For those readers out there who rely on my column to find out what happened on Raw, I will address what took place on the show this week a little later on but I have a few things I want to address first and that’s a shame because Raw wasn’t too bad.
Firstly, Hogan. In my review of Wrestlemania I conceded a certain amount of self-massaging to Hulk Hogan for all that he has done for the business and the WWE but the spectre of another Hogan match, albeit with HBK, Hassan and Daivari, is a step too far even if the near-sighted, short-memoried fans call for it. In fact it’s a joke. And you know what you do with jokes? You don’t take them seriously. And you laugh at them. I’d laugh quite heartily if it wasn’t the case that this decrepit old man, who’s as brown as my dining table and only half as talented, will be wheeled out in front of us once again to waggle his finger, cup his ear and warmly piss himself without even noticing. A recent criticism levelled at me was that I shouldn’t be insulting people if I couldn’t do any better. For once we are in total agreement. I’ve never been inside a wrestling ring, never taken a bump and I’m riddled with crippling arthritis at 34 … so YES, of course I can do better than Hogan. I could sell a move realistically, take a back fall without putting my arms down first, perform a stiff clothesline, not insult the audience’s intelligence and still have enough left not to rely on the same shit I’d been doing for sixty years because I couldn’t be bothered to learn anything new. Hogan is a post middle-age lesbian with saggy titties and a facial hair problem. I only hope that he’s not creaking out of the tomb of retirement just to steal another wrestler’s heat to add to his collection. I enjoyed watching Hogan back in the late eighties and early nineties but that’s where he should stay. Hassan should pin Hogan clean at Backlash to improve his stock in his feud with HBK; otherwise it’s a disgrace and shame on WWE for permeating this crap if he doesn’t.
I also wanted to mention a couple of the recent contract releases, most notably Matt Hardy. Seeing as Hardy was reportedly invited to return in the ‘Money in the bank’ Wrestlemania ladder match but thought it would detract from his return, we can safely surmise that his departure is mainly down to the situation surrounding Edge/Lita and the subsequent alleged incidents of minor revenge. Whilst I don’t condone infidelity, business is business and Edge and Lita have done everything a good company chairman would want; minimise the damage and keep the issue ‘in house’. Matt is the one who took it public and by right received his release. Morally doing the right thing pales in comparison to doing the right thing by the machine that feeds you. I’m a fan of Matt Hardy, I like that he and his brother made good careers for themselves out of an almost terminal squash position but if any of his ‘real fans’ think that he had more to offer in the WWE then they’re deluding themselves. Matt never had enough of everything to challenge the main eventers and an IC title reign would have relied on the strength of his opponents, a reliance which limits the feuds he could potentially have. He’s a solid wrestler but his bow-legged style and lack of impact would always drag down his match quality and, whilst his V1 character had some decent colour to it, his interview skills were basic and drawled. I hope that in three months he can reunite with Jeff in TNA and chase out some of the dinosaurs that are holding that company back.
As for Rhyno, I think we can assume that the hotel/flower pot incident at the post-Wrestlemania party was merely the catalyst for something that Vince had wanted to do for quite a while. The WWE had never shown much faith in Rhyno’s abilities and even seemed reluctant to add him to the mid-card imbroglio when he appeared ideally suited for that group. It’s a shame that the lack of promotional pushing afforded to Rhyno over the last few years has left many of his ECW fans (myself included) a little indifferent to his release and you can’t help but feel that we’ve missed out on something. Oh well, even when one of the performing animals die, the circus keeps on rolling from town to town as if nothing happened.
And to cap it all, we now have Diva Search 2005 to look forward to. I did my condemning of this event last time and my position hasn’t changed so I see no reason to repeat it. I will however ask why so many of you guys out there seem to be using it as an opportunity to defend the spots currently occupied by your personal favourite divas. “These ‘faceless’ newcomers” you say? Since when have we ever heard a “We want FACES” chant or a sign that says “Show us your FACE”? For a group of men who profess sensitivity and the ability to treat women as people and not objects, you do seem to spend an awful lot of time staring at women’s breasts when they’re trying to talk to you. The reason why this segment is happening for a second year is because for better or worse it gets people talking and it’s a cheap, low-brow distraction from the wrestling. For those of you who want to know where the female wrestling talent is, it’s there somewhere. Vince just has to pull his finger out of his colon and bring them up to the main show.
I’m also getting a little fed up with the way HHH is used. The problem with finding someone who’s better than anyone else at something is that you keep them there until you find a suitable replacement, even if the act stales over such a long period. HHH is stuck in a cyclical rut of aligning, betraying, elevating and switching belts with the next big thing on Raw and it’s wearing a hole in a welcome that in many quarters has been thinning for a long time. Just think how much good HHH could do if he dropped down to semi-final position and feuded with the upper-sections of the mid-card. A face-turn maybe or a tentative partnership with a former foe against a common enemy? Unencumbered by the shackles of carefully feeding the new top superstar to the clamouring masses he could concentrate on diversifying his appeal and rebuilding a solid foundation on which to form another charge to the gold. HHH is the WWE’s floatation aid and while Vince refuses to let his other talent sink or swim, he’ll have to keep kicking just to hold the product above the water.
Raw (is that what I was talking about?) contained five bouts; two impromptu fights, one pointless squash and two enjoyable matches. I’ll come back to the good one in a moment.
Chris Masters continued his one-man tour of boredom and then made an open challenge for next week if anyone can break his full nelson hold. I don’t see this going well for Chris but if it’s even vaguely the start of a feud or a meaningful match for Masters then it can only be better than what he has been given up until now. Hassan dodged HBK by giving him Daivari instead and the ‘manager’ entered a better performance than his client has since his debut. Daivari looked sharp and impressive utilising a ‘Savage-style’ over the top rope hangman and a high elevation leg drop from the turnbuckle and the cheap victory will only add to the feud which was building nicely until the Hogan announcement. The women’s tag match to open the show was a good encounter and did Christy far better service than her Wrestlemania title match. Oddly enough, the only mistake during the match was Trish miss-timing a ‘chick kick’ and Christy saved her blushes by covering the error nicely. Despite obviously not having the depth of experience and knowledge of the others, Christy didn’t look out of place in the ring and added to the match as an equal. Molly and Victoria showed glimpses of the talent that would have made for a more rewarding women’s match at Wrestlemania but Trish seemed more occupied with her crowd remonstrations and the impending chase around the arena with Kane. HHH used Hurricane and Rosey as metaphors for his feud with Batista in a match where both sides of the ‘HHH love/hate’ divide got some ammunition to their causes. Despite selling both ‘superhero’s’ offence like it was Batista himself, it has to be noted that this is fundamentally the same spot they ran before between these three and it came across as dated and gratuitous. Two criticisms that could also be levelled at his proposed angle with JR next week at MSG.
The Christian/Benoit match was by far the best of the night. Not containing the freeform action of recent mid-card matches, it centred more around Christian’s exploitation of Benoit’s injured arm and his ability to survive a focussed onslaught. After a fast start performed at running speed the match slowed as Christian targeted the wrapping around Benoit’s elbow. Christian seemed to tone down the ‘Captain Charisma’ persona and concentrated on his mat wrestling talents controlling Benoit with stiff takedowns and holds. My only complaint would be that the timing was off during the first two of the three suplexes and, although not dangerous, Christian’s feet were coming over the top so much that it was closer to a driver than a suplex. A few distractions, an ‘Unprettier’ and Christian gets a well-earned win although, after the fall and as his music played, the screen was only taken up with Edge and Benoit, not the victorious CLB. Let’s hope this isn’t a sign that Christian will be overlooked for the main mid-card feuds again.
Speaking of that, Benjamin and Jericho decided to start a feud out of nothing. So much for Y2J saying two weeks ago that they were ‘friends’. I liked this angle, it’s nice to see a fight breaking out for no better reason than a few poorly chosen words and some petty jealousy. Much more like the sort of nonsense you can see in any pub or bar on a Saturday night. Whoever wrote Shelton’s jokes this week deserves a clothesline off a ladder. He’s not the best talker in the world but he looks even worse if you give him garbage like that to say. At least the ‘Fozzy’ line was okay. I look forward to their matches.
Batista was way too out of breath to be interviewed. I find it hard to believe that a man of his fitness level is screwed after only a few moments excursion so it can’t be down to conditioning. He’s seemed nervously energetic before, doing his promos, so we can but hope that he gets used to talking into a microphone. Oh, and someone tell him to breathe through his mouth and not his nose when the mic is in front of him. I also felt the segment was ruined by poor timing. JR asking the first question as the fans were beginning to chant Batista’s name and HHH’s music taking too long to play killed the crowd at important moments. Just a few points in a weak ending to the show.
Seeing as Lita kissed Kane, does that mean Edge has to be fired now?
RAW AWARDS
Match of the night – Christian v Benoit.
Worst match – Masters v Jobber.
Star(s) of the show – Christian/Daivari/Christy.
Moment of the show – Daivari’s victory over HBK.
Best sign – “HEY TRISH HONK HONK”.
Best quote – “Christy is doing all she can to get off her back” (JR).
Lee
