Wrestlemania Sucks
Jonathan Brown – Mr. Brown’s Class
For real, I hate Wrestlemania. Over the last few weeks and for the few remaining before the event, we will all be forced to hear wrestlers wax poetic about the magnitude of this event. PUH-LEEZE people. Pay per views come and pay per views go, but for me Wrestlemania is nothing more than another $50 that Vince McMahon will not be getting from me.
This over hyped event is not what it used to be just 5 years ago. Wrestlemania had the power to attract entertainers from outside of the dingy, smoke filled rooms that wrestling fans frequent. Cindy Lauper, Mr. T, Mike Tyson, Alice Cooper, Ray Charles, the Miller Light Cat Fight Girls. The Cat Fight Girls? Mr. McMahon are you serious? This little fact is enough to whet your appetite for the tongue lashing that I am forced to put into column form that I want to give anyone that claims Wrestlemania is anything more than an ADD victim’s worst nightmare.
From Wrestlemania 18 up until NWO the cards and events presented at Wrestlemania have not only been unspectacular, they have not even been good enough to be one of the top one hundred sports events of their respective years. Pillow fights, weak live entrance themes, and special guest referees have done nothing to make Wrestlemania the “granddaddy” of them all. But the Superbowl of wrestling is about wrestling so let us take a closer look at some of the most disappointing matches from WM in the last few years.
#5 – Maven versus Goldust for the NWO defunct hardcore Championship – WM 18
This never ending match saw the legitimacy of the title disappear right before our eyes. Molly, Christian, Hurricane and many others provided comic relief as they used cunning techniques to capture the title. How is it that there were 10 referees chasing these lunatics around, yet legitimate matches are often squandered because a referee gets knocked out and not replaced to make a 3 count? Wrestlemania often draws the casual fan that may only order one pay per view per year and the writers decided that having a comedy title would benefit everyone involved. Maybe Shak is right in saying that the WWE is sabotaging its product on purpose.
#4 The Cruiserweight Open – Wrestlemania 20
For weeks, Chavo Guerrero complained that he would have to defeat nine men in order to retain his title. Actually, Chavo watched the men beat each other in 30 seconds or less. Akio never made it into the match as he was disabled by green mist from the bowels of Tajiri. Jamie Noble set a record as he eliminated Funaki in 6 seconds. Hell, Chavo spent less than 3 minutes in the ring as he quickly dispatched of Rey Mysterio. The Cruiserweight Open was nothing more than a glorified TNA match.
#3 Undertaker versus Big Show and A-Train – WM 18
The Undertaker is a legend. His WM record is unparalleled. However, can someone justify how the motorcycle riding edition of the Deadman was able to defeat 800lbs. of talent by himself? Nathan Jones’ cameo was inconsequential to the outcome of the match so don’t bother to include that in your memory. What could have shown some vulnerability in our favorite zombie instead made him a little too unbelievable.
#2 Much like his in ring persona, the Phenom is back! WM 20 versus Kane
Kane destroyed the entire Raw roster since his unmasking at the hands of Stone Cold. The entire IWC said that a championship reign for the Red Machine was inevitable. After one of the greatest entrances of all time, that had Kane enter the ramp way through an entire city in flames, the party was never top begin. How dare we pay to see a squash match!? Kane was never able to put together any type of offense in this match. The Undertaker returned to his original ring attire and punched Kane into submission. This match should have been the crowning moment of both men’s careers. Instead it makes number 2 on this list of disappointing WM matches.
Before we get to the number one disappointment in recent WM history let us take a look at some headlines you won’t see anywhere else
10+2+2+1 < 1+1 10 German Suplexes, 2 sharpshooters, 2 crippler crossfaces and 1 huge headbutt in the last five minutes of the match by Chris Benoit were not enough to gain a 3 count against everyone’s favorite wrestle, HHH. Benoit must have fatigued himself though as one low blow and a pedigree were enough to keep him down. When did Benoit become a pansy, unable to finish his opponent? First Baseball NWO Wrestling Rumors are swirling that Congress is set to have wrestlers testify at some hearings. No, not about steroids, but about the abusing of referees seen on a weekly basis. How many times can a referee get knocked out before the officials decide to roll to the ring 3 deep? The referee in the WWE has been more abused than performance enhancing drugs in baseball. When will the madness end? Assumingly after Congress passes legislation outlawing the overused “referee bump, heel finish.” Lost: Diva Credibility WM will feature a match between the most dominant women’s champion ever against The Brain. (Seriously, doesn’t Christy’s head remind you of the Brain from Pinky and the Brain?) After the spectacular performance last year by the voluntarily shaven Molly and Victoria, they are rewarded by not being put in Playboy or Wrestlemania. Somewhere, Gail Kim is smiling. Not working at all is better than being bumped off of the card by a breast bearing, hyperactive, cheerleader.
Up and Coming Youngsters Headline ‘Mania
Does anyone kNWO that Batista is the same age as every other 38 year old out there? Some genius reporters boast that the young up and comer is making history on April 3. As far as I am concerned, the only history Batista will make is being the first man to lose to HHH at ‘Mania after dominating him in the weeks leading up to the event. :- )
And what we have all been waiting for, the number one disappointing match in WM history is
#1 Rock v. Hogan – WM 18
J.R. proudly labeled this match up as Ruth versus Bonds in a homerun derby. That was a great analogy, if Ruth was wearing a Red Sox jersey in place of his Yankees one. Hogan’s decision to not wear his red and yellow gear, only to be kicked out of the NWO the next night was a colossal mistake. In the WWE’s attempt to put the two greatest from NWO’s Hogan. The Hogan that I worshipped wore as much yellow as he could buy. The Hogan that pathetically reached his unstable hand to the Rock was not the Hogan that got me to take 10 vitamins a day and had me talking to God like he was my imaginary friend. I used to wrap the tape measure around my lanky arms, proudly pumping my 9” pythons in front of the mirror. I had waited for a long time to see Hogan make his return to the ring. For him to lose to the traitor ended up killing two careers. Regardless of what Hogan says, he would love to participate for the fans today. But he lost to a man that can not get further away from the business. Watching Hogan lose in black and white is the equivalent of your father being found dead in a dress.
For those of you interested in reading my past columns, please visit my original posting site, thewrestlingvoice.com
Post Column
I began writing this column last summer. Besides the men that hired me, the first two people to read my column were not remotely close to being wrestling fans. They read because they had faith in my ability and to their surprise, they became regular visitors to the Classroom without ever turning on wrestling programming. Today I write this column with a heavy heart as one of my original fans has passed from this world. Uncle Jeffrey, I will truly miss talking with you about everything and nothing. Love is not anything when it is spoken but it is everything when it is in action. The time you took to read my column is even more precious to me than I can express. Thank you and I will miss you.
Jonathan