Most of the Wrestlemania 21 ‘goes Hollywood’ promo spots have been met with a good reaction from the viewing audience but the last two (‘Pulp Fiction’ and ‘A few Good Men’) have not been so well received. That could have something to do with the fact that the Eddie/Booker spot had only one joke at the end and the Cena/JBL promo was devoid of humour completely (apart from the choice of Coach as the trial judge). As with most armchair writers, I find myself wondering if I could do any better. So, with that in mind, here’s my five best efforts at WWE ‘goes Hollywood’ promo ideas. I’ll start with a clean slate so I can use talent that has already done a promo. If you find three of them entertaining, I’d call that a job well done.
1. PSYCHO
Black and white shots of a large house on a hill and a motel sign flickering in the misty night. Low camera shot along worn wooden floorboards as toned, sexy legs in stiletto heels make their way up to a door. The numbered room key is dropped and then picked up with a gloved hand. The door opens into the dark room and the figure emerges. A lamp is turned on and Dawn Marie can be seen in 50’s dress taking off her hat and coat. She enters the bathroom to find white tiles and a basic shower. She undresses seductively by the bed. We can now see her through the keyhole in the front door as she wraps her body with a towel and disappears out of view. Now in the shower, she hums absently and soaps herself (from the shoulders up obviously). A shadowy figure can be seen approaching through the translucent shower curtain, arm raised in a knife wielding position. The curtain is thrown back violently and Dawn turns and screams as Al Wilson dressed as an old woman stabs at Dawn with a rolled up copy of Playboy (with Torrie on the cover). The musical crescendo climaxes as Dawn stops screaming and asks, “I thought you’d died?” “Yes” replies Al, “but that never stopped the Undertaker making comebacks”. (AFTER PROMO DETAILS) Dawn and Al are in bed enjoying a post-coital cuddle. Dawn asks, “Can we get married again?” Al says, “I’d need to ask mother first”. The lights flicker and there’s a loud ghostly groaning noise. “I think she likes you,” says Al.
2. AUSTIN POWERS.
Inside camera view of a large industrial complex with lots of computer banks and a swimming pool full of sharks in the centre. Explosions are going off all around and evil henchmen are running for cover. William Regal enters through an automatic door dressed as Austin Powers complete with bad wig, gross teeth and a handgun. “Where are you?” he cries. In runs Stacey Keibler dressed as a Russian double agent. “There you are Ima Pushover,” says Regal and they embrace, “but who started the auto-destruct sequence?” In comes Edge in a bald cap and grey suit. “So it was you Dr. Evil”, says Regal. “No, not me”, replies Edge, “maybe it was Fat Bastard?” They all look over to one corner where Big Show is in a tartan diaper eating from a giant pile of hamburgers and they realise it wasn’t him. “Maybe it was Mini-Me?” says Keibler. Christian shuffles in on his knees also wearing a bald cap and grey suit and says, “Why do I have to be the little guy? I’m a former Intercontinental champion dammit!” “Well, if it wasn’t any of us” says Regal “then who did it?” “I did” booms a voice from above. Vince McMahon is standing on a gantry. “OLD-MEMBER!?” they all exclaim in unison. Vince looks disgusted at the inference and walks out of shot. (AFTER PROMO DETAILS) Vince can be seen escaping into space in a small pod. “I’ll be back” he says “Now where’s my kitty cat?” Candace sits on his lap. Vince looks into the camera and smiles.
3. SPEED.
A camera placed low looking down a city street. A bus speeds into shot over the camera and races off into the distance. A shot from behind the driver as we can see cars and pedestrians frantically trying get out of the way of the speeding bus. Trish Stratus picks up the two-way radio while trying to keep control of the vehicle. “Say again?” she asks. Now we’re in the control room where policemen are huddled around a radio. “There’s a bomb on the ‘Road to Wrestlemania’ Tour Bus, do you copy?” repeats Chris Jericho “If you go below 50mph the bus will explode and we’ll have to cancel Wrestlemania. “Who would do such a terrible thing?” says Trish just as she sees a smiling Christy Hemme wave at her from the roadside with a large spanner in her other hand. “That bitch!” says Trish “I can’t keep it above fifty for much longer, we’re nearly out of gas”. The needle of the speedometer hovers on the 50mph mark. “It’s no good,” shouts Trish “I can’t do it!” The radio in Jericho’s hand goes to white noise and then falls silent. “Trish” he says with a concerned look on his face and leaves in a hurry. We now see Jericho out on the street running up to what he assumes will be the burnt out wreckage of the bus, but to his amazement it’s intact and Trish is standing beside it waiting for him. “I don’t understand?” says Chris. “She’s a Playboy covergirl” explains Trish “what does she know about bombs?” They laugh falsely and go to kiss. Just before their lips touch Jericho pulls away and says “So what are we going to do with the bus?” Trish smiles and replies “I’ve got an idea”. (AFTER PROMO DETAILS) Trish and Chris are sat in the bus. “Now isn’t this better?” asks Trish. Before Jericho can answer, Eddie Guerrero who is driving the bus turns around and says, “Sure is Mamacita!” A wide shot of the bus reveals it is now a low-rider bus with fancy paintwork, a retractable roof and it bounces along the road. Jericho looks unimpressed.
4. DEAD POETS SOCIETY.
Promo starts with an exterior shot of what looks like a stuffy, establishment private school for boys. Inside, we see a classroom full of students sat behind desks but no teacher. One boy says to another “I wonder what the new English master will be like?” The room falls quiet as the door opens and in walks John Cena dressed in a tweed smoking jacket and sensible shoes. He calmly walks to the large desk at the front of the class and opens his briefcase. He takes from it a large metal chain, which he puts around his neck, and a baseball cap. He slowly closes the briefcase and then explodes into a rap about Shakespeare, Whitman and old schools and the boys start to come alive, dancing geekily and trying their best to look cool but failing miserably. Cena finishes his rap and the boys cheer. (AFTER PROMO DETAILS) We see Cena being told to leave the classroom by the set-in-his-ways, elderly Headmaster and that they don’t want ‘his type’ teaching at the school. As Cena reaches the door to leave, one of the boys stands on his desk, turns to face Cena and says, “Word life”. Cena stops. Another boy gets up and says the same. Then another. The Headmaster is shouting to them to get down but they don’t listen. Nearly all of the boys are standing on their desks now. Cena turns and smiles. “Thank you boys” he says “Peace”. It fades to black as he closes the door.
5. SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER.
Promo opens with shots of a run down New York street. The Bee Gees’ Saturday Night Fever starts playing and a man in a white suit can be seen walking but we can’t tell who it is. We see admiring glances from women in the street and jealousy in the faces of the working men in their grubby overalls. The camera, focussing on the white flares and shiny black shoes, pans upward to reveal Randy Orton striding with an arrogant expression (shouldn’t be difficult for him). He enters a dimly lit disco with a multi-coloured neon dance floor surrounded by 70’s nightclub goers. He takes off the white jacket and dances impressively in the 70’s disco style. As he finishes dancing and the crowd applauds, a woman approaches him. “You’re a great dancer” she says, “Do you do any of that new breakdancing stuff?” “No” he replies with a smile. “Well HE does,” says the woman pointing to their left. Randy looks in that direction to see Booker T dressed in 70’s pimp attire complete with giant afro doing the Spinarooni. Booker leaps to his feet and yells “Now can you dig that, sucker!” right up close to Randy. (AFTER PROMO DETAILS) The female clubber is still draped over Randy’s shoulder. She says, “You know, you’re not the only guy who comes here that wears a white suit”. Randy looks at her quizzically. Someone from off camera says “I luurrrvve you”. Randy turns to reveal the lobster-faced Brother Love standing behind him.
As you can see I’ve taken the high road and presented ideas that theoretically could be done by the WWE. I could have gone the other way and come up with ideas like ‘THE RING’ starring HHH where he dies after seeing a video copy of ‘One night in China’. Or the animated feature of two separated Hispanic fish retitled FINDING CHAVO. Or GODZILLA V KING KONG played by Snitsky and Heidenreich, the good news being that they both die at the end. What about the love triangle in BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY using Edge, Matt and Lita (too soon?). Or KRAMER Vs KRAMER where the married couple of Bischoff and Teddy Long fight for custody of a child that looks remarkably like Batista. Or a remake of one of the BATMAN films and Mae Young could be the Bat-cave. I was also going to suggest some sort of scene for Maria, Torrie, Molly, Victoria and Rochelle to perform but I couldn’t remember the exact name of the film – I think it was HOT NURSES GO RENAL (or is that the kidneys?).
Lee
