Before I commence with this week’s Raw review, I thought it would be fun if we played a little game, something to lighten the tone and keep the kids happy. Here’s the question:
Who am I? I’m a professional wrestler in the WWE and I’m a heel. I weigh between 250lbs and 290lbs, I’m built like a brick sh*thouse and I’m a proven tough guy in the ring but unusually I’m a complete and utter coward. I run away from people with whom I’m almost equally matched and I chicken out of fights that I seemingly have a fair chance of winning. I push other people into the path of danger so I can escape unhurt even though I’m involved in a full contact ‘sport’ and I beg people to leave me alone despite the fact that I’ve gone through bloody brawls and exhausting beat downs on many occasions.
Did you get it? The correct answer is ‘The Game’, HHH. The correct answer is also Luther Reigns. And JBL. And Heidenreich. In fact, all of the big man heels of note on both Raw and Smackdown are displaying a yellow streak as big as the one around Big Show’s toilet and I’m getting bored with it. I felt the WWE dropped the ball in portraying Reigns as a coward after his powerful promo a few weeks ago on Smackdown which could have led to the first genuinely rough ride for the Undertaker since he feuded with Yokozuna but they kept true to form and had him talking tough but letting Jindrak take the brunt of the Dead Man’s wrath. And now Batista has finally stepped out from underneath HHH’s spotlight and I was hoping that we would see a return of The Game, the sledgehammer wielding cerebral assassin, but just as in recent weeks he talked big but fed Flair to the wolf and even arranged to throw him back next week for another chew. Whatever happened to monster heels? Do we not do those anymore? Has Afghanistan and Iraq taken such a toll on American culture the they can’t handle the thought of cheering for an underdog or someone who looks like they might not win? Hogan’s entire career was based on the idea that there was absolutely no chance he could win this time because the odds were too great and the enemy was too powerful. The only face on either show that is truly presenting the idea that they can’t guarantee a win but they’ll give it everything they’ve got is HBK and to counter this he’s been matched up against superstars who are tough but are also known for complaining and being figures of ridicule on occasions (Angle/Edge/Christian). I want to see HHH and Batista feud against eachother as equals. Both animalistic, both determined and fearless, both hell bent on destroying the other or themselves for the World Heavyweight Championship. As it should be.
Meanwhile, back on Raw, Shawn Michaels attempted to break the record for the single biggest blood loss since Vince’s last staff clearout and put on an enjoyable and visually stunning main event streetfight with Edge. I was pleased to see that lots of different weapons were employed but not overused and they were dotted throughout the match with good business in between from both competitors. The only way in which the match fell down is that the outcome was almost immaterial what with HBK looking past Edge for the last few weeks and Kurt making the least surprising cross-branded run-in since No Way Out. Edge must be in a very confusing position right now. He is still in receipt of the biggest and most sustained solo push of his wrestling life but he seems lost within the main event and semi-final matches and he appears demoted whenever he slums it with his former mid-card brethren. If I was managing Edge’s WWE career I would advise him to forget HBK and re-establish himself as the standout performer of the upper/mid-card with good, wrestling-driven matches and show-stealing spectacles against the likes of Benoit and Jericho. He may get his wish.
Mohammed Hassan was given his best opportunity to shine so far against the ever-reliable Chris Benoit and blew it to some degree. Benoit must take some of the blame for being the senior man and not recognising that he needed to take his foot off the gas a little until Hassan caught up to speed but some might say that a young, fit wrestler shouldn’t need to be pandered to in order to keep up. Hassan found his feet in the middle section of the match when the pace slowed but bizarrely blew it again in the closing moments. Now we all have bad days and we all make mistakes but to forget to physically execute the reason why you’re holding the bell, the whole angle for the near ending and the lead into the subsequent DQ finish, is a sign that Hassan might not be as comfortable as his promo delivery appears. Hopefully, someone like Anderson or Brisco will take him to one side and see what’s going on between those incredibly large ears of his.
Chris Jericho came out and wrestled against Maven in a good match or a bad match, I’ve no idea, I took the opportunity to alphabetise my toes, but I paid some attention just in time to hear that Y2J is proposing a six-man ladder match for Wrestlemania. My five other lucky ladder-eaters would be Edge, Christian, Benoit, the returning Matt Hardy and Benjamin (making it an IC title match). To say that this ladder match is a poison challis for anyone who takes part is an understatement. Even if the spectacle of six men killing themselves for our entertainment is enough to steal the majority of the impact of Wrestlemania, it is unlikely that this match will be a stepping stone for any of the combatants to move up to the next level and will fade away in the memory like rung-shaped bruises. I wish everyone involved the best of luck and all of them should keep an eye out for my ‘Hope it was worth it’ card which is in the mail.
The best thing I can say about Snitsky/Benjamin is at least it’s over (I hope). The match itself was about as good a match as Snitsky can give and the DDT and Shelton’s finishing suplex gave us a demonstration that Gene is lighter on his feet than his Smackdown counterpart, Heidenreich, but his shortcomings were still way too obvious and the match never took off. Shelton is ten times the wrestler and athlete that Snitsky is and this mini-feud has done more to damage the IC champ’s reputation than his bland efforts as half of Team Angle. We can but hope that Vince was testing Benjamin’s ability to carry a big man to a decent match and not a sign that he has already lost faith in one of the best young wrestling prospects he’s had in a good while.
I’m still not going to be drawn into a conclusion about Chris Masters but that could be because I started watching wrestling at a time when new talent would squash jobbers for the first six months of their WWE tenure on ‘Superstars’ or ‘Wrestling Challenge’ so, to me, this idea that people are getting bored of him after two matches is a bit weird. I also don’t agree with fans who say that his gimmick is holding him back. I know that the ‘Narcissus’ character has been done to death but previous incarnations have overly affected the in-ring work (not that Luger, Steiner or Jindrak could have been much worse) and, apart from a slight extension to his entrance and an arrogant grin, his wrestling appears to be gimmick free. Give it time, knowing the WWE the gimmick will be phased out anyway. He can’t keep breaking noses though, that’s really careless.
The WWE promised two major announcements for the Wrestlemania weekend and for once it delivered. Hogan’s induction into the Hall of Fame turns an already appealing event into something quite fascinating, especially when you consider that Vince is bound to take a personal interest in how Hogan is presented and inducted. Screw this up and Vince will have left a dark cloud over the single most important entry in the WWE Hall of Fame’s history, expect something special. As for Austin and Piper’s Pit, it’s a good move to put these two together but I feel the sandwich needs a meaty filling between the rusty bread, possibly Hassan or even Coach. Someone who can bear the brunt of the segment because both Austin and Piper have a tendency to ramble when given too much freedom with promos.
Do you guys really like Playboy photos? If you want to see what a plastic mannequin looks like ‘down below’ then why not go to your local clothes retailer and steal one (you could marry her in a ceremony attended by all your WWE action figures). When Christy said she wanted to show us a side of her we’ve never seen before, I didn’t realise she meant the INSIDE. Give me Trish with her black eye or Molly Holly and her giant grannypants any day of the week. It’s our flaws and imperfections that make us different and sexy, erotica should represent that. Oh, and I wouldn’t worry about the fact that once Christy takes the dress off she’ll just have a big letter ‘T’ sprayed onto her back, because it’ll match the letters ‘S…H…I…’ that she has there already.
Message to the writers of the Wrestlemania promos, ‘They’re not funny anymore!’ You can’t simply replace the actors with WWE superstars and not include any jokes, it doesn’t work. The ‘Pulp Fiction’ promo only had one joke at the end and was a waste of Eddie’s talents and the ‘Few Good Men’ one on Raw this week had none. The only bit that made me laugh was the choice of Coach as judge in the scene. More comedy please.
I’m worried about Flair. Should he really be on the receiving end of a powerbomb when a gentle massage is probably enough to snap him in half? We can only hope that Batista broke his cheap sunglasses on Ric’s walking-aid on the way down.
RAW AWARDS
Match of the night – HBK v Edge.
Worst match – Jericho v Maven.
Star(s) of the show – Hogan/Austin.
Moment of the show – Kurt attacking HBK.
Best sign – “MOHAMMED STOLE MY CAMEL”.
Best quote – “Trish and I were backstage comparing war wounds, l showed her my vasectomy scar” (Lawler).
SPECIAL AWARDS
Most disturbing sex-smile – Orton thinking about Undertaker.
Quickest sign removal – “F*CK THE FCC”.
Body part most like a hockey stick – Steven Richard’s nose.
Least convincing ‘I know you’ – Candace meets Superstar Billy Graham.
Lee
