A little advise for all of you before we get started…
We may now begin…
Makes me say “Oh my Lord”
Thank you for blessing me
With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet
It feels good when you know you’re down
A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I’m known as such
And this is a beat uh you can’t touch
I told you homeboy (You can’t touch this)
Yeah that’s how we living and you know (You can’t touch this)
Look at my eyes, man (You can’t touch this)
Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics (You can’t touch this)
Hello all and welcome to the New and Improved RAW Rage! We have a lot to get to this week, including a big announcement, new sections, Movie Reader’s Theater, and of course, RAW. Lets dispense with the excuses for why I missed last week and jump right in, shall we?
THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT
In a continuing effort to pimp myself to the limit – I will be co-hosting a radio show this week. And no, it isn’t one of those “Rasslin'” web-radio thingies – this is a REAL radio program. In Dallas, where I live, there is an immensely popular station called Sportsradio 1310 – The Ticket. In the evening hours, they ask listeners to come in and co-host the show with the regular host and, well, that’s what I’ll be doing this coming Thursday, January 27th. The show is from 8PM to 11PM (barring a Mavericks postgame show) and it’s more of a “guy-talk” show than it is a sports show – although sports is discussed. The host is also a known fan (albeit moderate) of wrestling. So, you’re own Roland G will be on and don’t fret if you don’t live in Dallas. You can listen via the miracle of the internet by going to The Ticket’s website and listening to the streaming audio they’ve got. That link is for you.
Look, I know it’s probably not a big deal for most of you, but maybe you’ve had a very slight interest in what I sound like. Do I have a goofy voice? Do I sound like the world’s biggest geek? Do I sound slightly fem? Only one way to find out. Sure, SmackDown is on around the same time – but how many of you really still watch SmackDown? Are you really going to miss anything? Exactly.
Plus, I’ll be pimping Salty Ham like mad (or to the best of my ability anyway). So come on out and support the site. And as an added bonus, I could get stage fright all of a sudden thinking about the tens of thousands of people who will be listening to me and totally freeze up and cause a very uncomfortable moment! Nothing could be better than that!
Click here to listen on Thursday, 1/27 – 8-11 PM! Central Standard Time.
Movie Reader’s Theater
It’s been too long. And we need to hurry up and finish this movie and move on to another. So, enjoy the continuing saga of BRAVEHEART as interpreted by Movie Reader’s Theater:
Meanwhile…
Robert The Bruce: Hi. I’m Robert the Bruce. And yes, I know how gay the name sounds. Please don’t call me “Bob”. “Bob the Bruce” just sounds worse. Anyway, I’m an important character to this film as I’m very angst ridden due to wanting to please my father who’s eaten up with leprosy while also wanting to do the right thing for my country. Watch with amazement as I become a man before your very eyes. Also, my angry scenes with my dad later are Oscar worthy.
Robert’s Dad: Holy crap! My face just fell off!
Meanwhile…
Hamish: William, these two dudes want to talk to you.
Normal Scot: Sup. I’d like to join up.
William: Cool.
Crazy Irish Guy: Top o’ the morning to ya, William! I’m a CRAZY Irish man! I talk to God on occasion and to that nasty leprechaun – WHO STOLED MY LUCKY CHARMS!!! Anyway, you’ll be thinking I’ll be trying to kill you soon – however, I’ll be saving your life from that Normal Scot that just joined up.
William: Great. Now we don’t have to write that scene out.
Meanwhile…
Longshanks: I’m off to conquest! Don’t go screwing up while I’m gone.
Gay Prince: Define “screwing up.” Because I’ve got my chief military hunk in here, so…
Longshanks: TAKE CARE OF WALLACE!
After a bit…
A crowd of Scots have gathered on the battlefield. Many Englishmen face them in the distance.
Useless Scot #1: Man, I don’t want to die today. This sucks.
Useless Scot #2: I wish William Wallace was here.
In he rides on his mounted steed – face all painted.
William: It is I! William Wallace!
Useless Scot #2: You ain’t him. Wallace doesn’t have sissy hair like you. He’s got a buzz cut that you can set your watch to.
William: Yes, I’ve heard. He kills men by the hundreds, and if he were here he’d consume the English with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse.
Useless Scot #1: Huh? Was that a joke?
William: I am William Wallace, and I see a whole army of my countrymen here in defiance of tyranny.
Useless Scot #2: Actually we came because we were forced by the Scottish lord of the land we live on. You see, in our feudal society…
William: You have come to fight as free men, and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight?
Useless Scot #2: Hey, Dill! Didn’t you just hear me? I said we didn’t come here out of choice.
Useless Scot #1: Yeah, hippy! If we were really free, we wouldn’t be here at all. We’d probably be kickin’ back with our Playstation 2 and ordering a pizza.
William: Aye, fight and you may die, run, and you’ll live… at least a while.
Useless Scot #1: Did he just hear me?
Useless Scot #2: I think he’s just ignoring us.
William: And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade all of that from this day to that, for one chance…
Useless Scot #1: Gaw! Shut up already!
Useless Scot #2: No kidding. And what’s that all over your face anyway? Need a little makeup to go with that pretty hair?
William: …just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take away our lives, but they’ll never take our FRRREEEEDDDDOOOMMMM!
Useless Scot #1: Well, that was overdramatic.
The battle begins. It’s sweeping. The Scots win.
Scots: Wallace! Wallace! Wallace!
William: BLEEEEAAAAAYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Don’t miss next time for our thrilling continuation of BRAVEHEART!
Worthy, Not Worthy
New segment time.
Okay, the other day I was watching American Idol and two fat geeks were trying to sing in between falling madly in love with each other (and if you saw it, you know what I’m talking about) and I turned to my wife and said that I believe these guys were guys that think “Roland G” is cool. This is my fan-base. She looked at me like I was weird.
Anyway, I often try to think about what most of you look like that read this thing and follow pro wrestling like I do and I generally think you all look like this:
or maybe like this:
Yeah, yeah – I know it’s wrong of me to judge. Those guys are probably cool dudes to hang out with – but I think we can all agree that getting the chicks is probably not one of their strong suits.
That’s beside the point. What I’m getting at is this – I’ve talked to three wonderful women and asked them if I could get some of the guys in my audience to email me their picture – would they be willing to evaluate what they look like and deem them either “worthy” or “not worthy”. Yes, that’s right – I’m stealing from just about everyone on the planet.
Anyway, the three women are our very own Jeanice B (writer of the popular “Branded!” and noted John Cena lover), Bevin (our resident movie buff who loves her some Vin Diesel), and Mrs. G (my wife and one who has a hard time keeping her tongue in for Johnny Depp or Keifer Sutherland). These three women would look your photo over and deem you “Worthy” or “Not Worthy”. Worthy of what, you might ask? Well, that’s up to the girls, you sexy beast!
So, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to email a picture of yourself to me (and yes, I will post it in RAW Rage – but remember, I will only identify you by the name you ask me to identify you by) – I will send it to the girls – they will write something short about what they think – and we’ll all have a good time. Two things guys – send me a real picture of yourself (you are really only cheating yourself if you don’t) and don’t be all insecure about it. Women like men that aren’t afraid to be themselves. I know for a fact that both Jeanice and my wife dug on that picture of Jish in drag. AND HE WAS IN DRAG PEOPLE!!!
So, if your keen on this – Click here and email me your picture. We’ll have us some fun next week if you aren’t to SCARED to BE A MAN and SEND YOUR PICTURE!
RAW Rage #54
-Last Monday – Kane and Snitski spared us all to death and then tried a spectacular stunt that also failed. Thanks for trying guys!
-Ah crap. We’re in Oklahoma. That means that JR will either be A) beaten until we all feel uncomfortable watching a stroke victim roll around on the ground; B) put in a match so we all can kinda laugh at the fat guy with the weird face and cowboy hat do the PUNCH OF DEATH; or C) ridiculed until King has to stand up for him for the umpteenth time. Sigh.
-HBK/Jericho/Benoit vs. Christian/Tomko/Blonde Devil. You may call this the “HYPE THE PPV TAG MATCH” of the night, which is a very standard pre PPV Monday happening. So, it seems Edge and Michaels are going to be pulling double duty on Sunday at the Rumble. Does that mean they get twice the bonus too? This match bores me until my head explodes even though I like four out of the six contestants (guess which ones and win NOTHING). Benoit rolls up Tomko for the win. Waste of time.
-Hey, over on SD, some things happened and people fought and storylines progressed. Who’s this Joy person? Man, I haven’t watched SD in so long I forget what SD stands for. And not only that, I won’t be watching SD this Thursday because I will be ON THE RADIO! Click here to listen on Thursday, 1/27 – 8-11 PM! Central Standard Time!
-Stacy walks on her born stilts.
-Hogan was once on Johnny Carson’s little show. That was before they both died. Oh wait…
-Stacy walks to the ring. Does that old ZZ Top song say, “She’s got legs. She knows how to use them. She never bathes….”??? Yuck! You might say that’s fishy (rimshot!). Legs tells us it’s Jim Ross day and some old guy gets in the ring. It’s Jim Ross day??? Have we really sunk to such lows in this country that JR gets a day? I’ll be expecting Roland G day in about five years. To honor JR Day – I will stroke out, talk out the side of my mouth, and say the phrase “scalded dog” in a sentence. Oh, and I’ll need to be constantly indignant. JR goes to the ring and they show some video package of all the inbred retards without jobs getting Jim’s autograph. Wow, and all I did today was go to work. JR rambles on about Sooners and his poppa/momma when Trips and Flair come to break up the party. Trips rags on Oklahoma (not very hard) and JR (even easier) and then proclaims that he wants Triple H day. Silly trophy husband, every day is Triple H day. Trips calls the old guy Father Time (HAW!) and dismisses JR but wants Stacy to hang around. So, JR comes back and gets all up in Trips face, so Flair racks him from behind. The old guy runs in and decks Trips – but in an odd twist, HE ends up getting the uncomfortable beatdown rather than JR. All this hard work makes Trips horny, so he goes to kiss Stacy – but then Stephanie’s shock collar around what’s left of Trip’s roided out testicles goes off and he goes to pedigree her instead. Orton then comes in and saves her and we get the Monday Before A PPV STARE DOWN!!!
-After the break, Trips commits his second sexual harassment of the night then he and Flair recap what happened for Batista. Sadly, they do a better job than I ever do in RAW Rage. `Tista, totally uninterested in tales of Trips and girls, says he’s going to go ask Bischoff for his shot in the rumble, figuring it’s a way to ensure that the title belts stays with Evolution. Daddy Trips is not pleased.
-Regal wants himself a rumble spot but Bischoff shoves his open palm firmly in front of his face and gives it to Coach. So, if you were on the fence about buying the Rumble – take that into consideration. You could be watching the magnificent COACH in the Royal Rumble. La Res come in and as soon as the term “both ways” is uttered, Batista breaks down the door. After some talk about shoving a “flag” down someone’s throat and rear-end – a match is made. You know, Metzler was right. RAW is Porn. Gay Porn.
-King loves on JR for a sec. Kinda rubs the sore area…
-Coach announces an over the top challenge of Tajiri vs. Viscera. My sweet bippy – how does Mable continue to keep his job? The guy is a walking Milk Dud. Anyway, he wins so we can have the obligatory ten guys hoist a guy over the top rope during the rumble spot that was usually reserved for Rikishi or Big Show.
-A recap of Trish and Kane’s tiff last week that degenerates into the same video package of Kane and Snitski we saw at the beginning of the show. Both Kane and Snitski will be in the rumble. However, if it gets down to Snitski and a baby – I know who my money’s on.
-WWE Rewind – that La Res win over Rosey you slept through last week.
-Tajiri’s all upset over his loss when Regal comes and steals him to a dark, secret place where Asians are sold as prostitutes.
-Batista is going for the Three-way with La Res. Do I really need to tell you that `Tista dominated and won? Trips and Flair are backstage…but then Batista plants that flag where you would think he would…in a butt. Then Flair and Trips resume what they were talking about by saying the same exact thing – nice cover on that snafu, boys.
-Hassan (with Kareem Abdul Divari) vs. Val Venus (Royal Rumble Qualifier). Wait. Didn’t Venus get canned not too long ago? Heh, both guys wear towels around their heads…in a manner of speaking. This lasted way too long and if you don’t know who won, well, you really should stop watching wrestling altogether.
-Flair and Trips congratulate Batista. Trips conned Bischoff into letting Flair into the Rumble. The Flair’s coke hit kicks in and he starts screaming, “ORTON’S GOING DOWN!!!” Batista just nods, knowingly.
-Maven gets into the ring and is getting a second chance to get into the Rumble. He calls on anyone who is already qualified to fight him for their spot. So everyone’s favorite mystery guest – Kane – comes down all beat up. Maven tries to get out of it but then Snitski shows up – in pain as well. I will now proclaim Shelton Benjamin a wuss for not coming out and beating Maven for the 267th time. You know, Snitski is way uglier than Kane – so shouldn’t he be the one with a mask? This becomes a three-way and even though Kane and Snitski go at it in a lumbering sorta way – Maven still gets pinned.
-Hemme kills some fans with that T-shirt Bazooka.
-A recap of the Austin press conference. And yeah, the guy’s shtick gets old – but he’s missed right now. However, I think this big 3-picture deal is Vince’s idea of giving a big old finger square in the face of the Rock. Unfortunately for Vince, I doubt Dwayne cares that much.
-A generic rock and/or roll song is the theme of the rumble.
-The SD boys pimp their side of the PPV and so do the RAW boys.
-The Blonde Devil gives a promo and sucks even more life out of this deflated show. Edge…Cheshire Cat…think about it.
-Orton walks trying to look tough. Little scamp.
-That freaking Starburst “Hello” commercial is GENIUS.
-I wish that idiot Chris Master would hurry up and debut already so I don’t have to watch my television gay out every time the guy’s commercial comes on.
-Flair vs. Orton. Yeah, yeah – you’ve seen it before and it wasn’t any better this time around. I love Flair as much as anyone – but dude, it’s really getting about time to hang `em up. Preserve whatever life you’ve got left. `Tista is thrown out for something Trips did and Trips just kinda looked around like that kid in class who farted but won’t own up to it. At least they are doing a slow burn with that storyline. So, Trips does his best to make Orton lose, but it doesn’t work and Orton pins the old man. PPV Hyped…I guess.
A show that fell apart after the first 30 minutes or so. 4 out of 10.
[From probably the most quotable but pointless movie of all time Napoleon Dynamite]
Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin’ chips, Kip.
Kip: Napoleon, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I’m training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Ask Roland‘
For over a year now, I’ve been answering your questions. Questions about anything. I don’t care what it is. If you ask it – I’ll answer. That’s why we call it Ask Roland. Duh.
Anyway, you can ask me anything you want in the special thread in The Salty Ham Forums. So go sign up and ask because I’m out of questions after this one:
Question: How do you manage to answer every question that comes your way, and even sometimes make it seem that you konw what you’re talking about? Are you really that smart or do you yhave somebody else answer them for you and then take all the credit for yourself?
And another question. Why can’t I think of a better question than that?
And why does my typing suck so bad today?
Roland Answers: Hey dude – one question at a time, okay? I answer every question that comes my way because A) I do know a little something about something (when you get as old as me *coughthirtyonehack* you tend to get a little knowledge dropped on you along the way; B) if I don’t know the answer, there’s this wonderful thing known as the internet that contains a wealth of knowledge; and C) most of you are just stupid, therefore, I look smart by comparison. To answer your second question, no – I answer my own questions, thank you very much. One thing I don’t need is a pen writer for Ask Roland. To answer question #3 – see explanation marked “C” in answer #1. And for your 4th question – often people get nervous when they meet their idol. I will excuse you.
Now, to the rest of you – Go ask me questions.
Na, na, na, na – Can’t Quote This
While I enjoy hearing my own self talk (read section above), I also enjoy the opinions of others. That is why I venture each and every time I actually write this column completely to The Salty Ham Forums and pull my favorite quote of the week. This week, we enjoy Jay’s first trip through TNA:
Jay: I saw my first TNA show over the weekend, Impact. Some thoughts:
1. Raven is fat! I’m not talking Phat, i’m talking overweight. Why is it that as soon as Raven is in the minor leagues his character is much cooler? He’s using chairs and is just brutal.
2. Jeff Hardy still looks like rainbow brite, except now his body is multicolered to match his hair. Some Kane/Mankind wannabe named Abyss came in after hardy beat some jobber and destroyed him, so Abyss gets a thumbs up.
3. The ring isnt’ square. It’s like UFC without the cage part. So far I’m not really used to it and the camera can’t seem to get the guys outside of the ring very much, where as WWE you can see everything. No biggie but I think it’ll just take some time to get used too. Yes that means I’ll watch again.
4. Southern Drawls. This really does remind me of WCW/NWA, many of the wrestlers seem to be “good ole boys”.
5. Familair faces. On just one show off Impact I saw; K-Quick, Road Dogg, Jeff Jarret, Dustin Rhodes, Jeff Hardy, Konan (who still uses the same spanish catchphrase), Same guys but most have different names.
6. X-Division does indeed rule. Saw a nice match between AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels. WWE are you taking notes?
Overall TNA seems much less cartoony then the WWE. Even though there are some characters that are a bit extreme, they still come across as people rather then gimicks. Then again this could be that I haven’t gotten to know the TNA wrestlers for very long.
I’ll definately keep my eye on TNA. I think they have enough talent that they could at least compete with smackdown.
Good stuff. Go talk about everything in The Salty Ham Forums.
Pot of Gold
I don’t smoke pot. But I’ve known many who do. And there is nothing funnier to me than to listen to a pot head talk for about twenty minutes as he is completely baked. Unfortunately, as I grow older and establish myself as a family man, I hang with the hemp buddy less and less. But to my joy – I have found an outlet to feed my need – High Times. Yes, the magazine that bears the same name has it’s own website where they will post stories related to Pot each and every day. But the beauty of this website is the comments section. Like us, they have a place for ordinary potheads to sound off about the news of the day – and this my friend is where I’ve struck gold.
I am going to include for you a few quotes that I absolutely enjoyed (un-doctored except for the cursing so you can enjoy the spelling problems of the baked). I don’t know how frequent this little section will be in the Rage – but hopefully – it will become a regular. Enjoy…
From the beautifully named Dripin Away
i have a drip system on my plants, it is easy and affective. easy as 123, first pump on one side, second on the other, one gives,other gets. Rockwool to holp the roots and good hydro juice, thats all you need. Just refresh roots every 5-15 min. depends if your light is HPS or HID> WELL GOTA SMOKE ME A SLIFF TO KEET THE HIGH.
I like to call this “Stream of Consciousness”
My friends dad found a gallon sized ziplock on the side of the road in north hollywood. i think it was lankershim. anyway, he brought it home and split it with us and we took about an ounce out and rolled a j that was very similar to the j in up in smoke. we were so baked. speaking of being baked, it is now 4:00, my connection should be getting home. he has some pretty good [bleep] for 80 an ounce. kinda reminds me of jack herer bud. how is he doing anyway? he is an old friend. have not seen him since he last came to see me in texas and speak at a debate.
And here are some random ones that made me smile:
whaxz up iam really [bleeped] hey i might spew hope not yuck we nutin but sum gangster, smokin and ridin, comon get high wit us, get right wit us com ggwt hi wit uzz
ohh yeah im gonna smoke till i die! the cops should wory about the people killing each other instead of worrying about pot. cops are stupid
Pot opened my mind and made me intersted in hearing what the prophets of religeon all over the world has written. I think it has also made me non-violent, sense I now know that God is Love. And yes, I still enjoy the green, and I pray that I always will…….
I am made of doughnut batter and have a cream filled center
Let me know if you want this as a regular segment. I believe we have GOLD here.
Later
No links this week. Just take care – listen to me on the radio on Thursday – and send in your pictures for “Worthy, Not Worthy.”
Dismissed.
Roland G
Salty Ham!
Email Me!
