Forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin’
Coulda sworn it was judgment day
The sky was all purple
There were people runnin’ everywhere
Tryin’ 2 run from the destruction
U know I didn’t even care
‘Cuz they say two thousand zero zero party over
Oops out of time
So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999
Hey kids – I’m back.
And yes, this is the first RAW Rage of 2005. I’d cue the fanfare, but I’m a tad late on the whole “new year” thing.
Before we get into things, I want everyone to know that I really do intend every week to write a RAW Rage (okay – there are a few weeks where I know it’s not going to happen – but for the most part, I’m down for this). It’s just that I’m 31 now (just had my birthday the 7th of January – WHERE ARE MY PRESENTS?), I have a wife, a child, a mortgage, and two jobs. While normally, my Monday nights are free – they’re not always and that cuts into my time with you. So, I’m not making any type of resolution to do better – but as you can see – I have made a resolution to make better excuses.
Yeah, I have no idea who that guy is either.
Change This…All Of It
Last week I thought long and hard (go away Batista!) about some of the things we do here in RAW Rage and, like I said a while back, my changes may take a while to completely take form. And it’s time to drop some dead weight around here.
#1 The RAW Rage Championship. Gone. Cut. See ya. What most people don’t understand about the IWC writer is that most all of us do this crap for free (like anyone would actually PAY to get this kindergarten level writing) and we generally don’t get a whole lot by way of email. I started the RRC as a way to generate a little interest in my column and to con people into emailing me. But I think it’s run its course now. So, maybe it will make a return in the future – but for now – axed.
#2 The RAW Rage Ring of Honor. Coupled with the RRC – the ROH is played out now. Kiss it goodbye.
#3 Mrs. G’s Secret Wrestler Game. Nobody could win the dumb thing and, personally, I’m a little tired of “column contest” thing right now. When I started doing it, the funny thing was that I was giving away a prize that was nothing more than crap (I mean, who really cares what I look like anyway?). Half the time I forgot to ask my wife who her secret wrestler was and then would frantically call her to ask her once I was writing the rage. Hasta La Vista.
That’s all for now. Ask Roland is on the bubble – but I still enjoy doing it and would love to keep it – but you people have to start asking some more questions in the forums. So, it’s up to you if that stays around or not.
Like The Balrog’s Lair’s new layout – only time will tell if the new and improved RAW Rage will be a winner or only serve to irritate. All of these changes will go into effect next week. We’re keeping Movie Reader Theater, TWW’s, Quote of the Week, and adding a few more things. But for now, I got one more segment-then the rage-then I’m out. Deal with it.
I Don’t Recall Ever Saying I Wanted A Revolution
So, we had our first roundtable of the new season last weekend and with the addition of a bunch of new people who write in different sections – it was a big one. We are doing the Monthly Reader still – so go to the forums and start posting and I may pick you to pick with us next time.
Anyway here are the standings after the first one of the year:
#1-tie Erico: The True Dat writer in Life pulled in a nice 5-1 score.
#1-tie WT Harmon: Our resident TNA fan (or has he lost his smile?) also came away with a 5-1 score.
#1 tie White Chocolate: The recapper that puts Scott Keith to shame (not to mention my sorry attempts every week) is tops with 5-1 as well.
#4-tie Jeanice: Watch out – the woman will BRAND you every month (get it? My jokes are lame). And she had a nice showing with 4-2 for the PPV.
#4-tie Larz Richards: Proving he knows more than just cheesy eighties glam rock bands – Larz is in the hunt with 4-2.
#6-tie Jish: Last years co-winner of the Roundtables pulled a mediocre 3-3. He also promises that The Idiot’s Argument is coming back soon.
#6-tie Roland G: Can you say, “Middle of the Road?” Well I can by going 3-3.
#6-tie The Monthly Reader: This time around it was Nick C who proved he knew 3 but didn’t know 3.
#6-tie The Hoss: Some call it Football – we call it soccer. But The Hoss says “Bullocks!” to all that and went 3-3.
#10 Steve W: Way to carry on the momentum Steve. Not the best way to start the year – but the man goes 2-4.
I didn’t actually watch the PPV because A) the premiers of 24 and Carnival were that night, and B) two PPV’s in one month are hard on the wallet. I’ll be getting the Rumble though. It’ll be my first since Summer Slam.
RAW Rage #63
-Hey – Triple H is champ again. Shocking, huh? What exactly was the point of that whole “Who’s the Champ?” thing again? Oh right, so Trips could get one step closer to beating Flair’s record of World Title wins. Trips would like us to “Let him have it.” Batista runs out salivating. Trips points out that nobody does what he does so well – but man, Jarrett is trying his hardest. After Ric verbally fellates the Champ – Trips calls Dave out for some special love. Dave gets all fruity on us and jumps around a bit – then Orton REALLY ups the gay quotient by acting all tough. Aww – isn’t he so cute? The widdle baby is a man now. Anyway, Trips says, “Hit the road, Jack,” and all 20 of the 70 year olds watching this program say, “That whippersnapper’s a wing dinger!” Randy talks about Batista having Trips back but Trips doesn’t have Dave’s. Well, I suppose we always knew who the pitcher and catcher was in that relationship. Oh No! Randy even has footage of all this back-getting. Nobody wants to see gay porn on RAW! After the disgusting “footage” – Dave gives Trips a “Hard” look. Then Randy shows even more of Batista putting his head in between Triple H’s legs! MY LORD! SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! The PTC and Phil Mushnick are gonna be all over this. So finally, Bischoff comes out and blah blah blah later – it’s gonna be Dave vs. Randy in a #1 contender’s match. Suffering succotash.
-Shane tells us that RAW and SmackDown will be broadcast from Japan. Somewhere, Ultimo Dragon gently weeps…then slips on his tears and falls down. LOL2005!!!
-Shelton Benjamin vs. Maven (Royal Rumble Qualifying Match). From all accounts, Maven ate poo last night…so, let’s go right on ahead and do this match ALL OVER AGAIN for free. Same outcome. The only thing this match proved was that Black is always better than Cream and Sugar.
-The Royal Rumble Commercial is the best EVER.
-That dirty A-Rab and his non-American speaking running buddy come out. Hassan does his HORRENDOUS impression of The Iron Sheik. Dude – less big words and more “EeeRan Numba one! Hack, Puut!” Anyway, Hurricane is served up as fodder. First he beat up our resident pervert – then he beats up our resident head case who thinks he’s a super hero. What’s next? Is he going to beat up our resident Baby Killer or Toothless Canadian??? When will it end???
-WM recall of that Pete Rose tombstone. Sheesh – we can’t come up with different recalls than last year?
-Trips and Batista get all up in each other’s faces again. Geez you guys, get a room already.
-The Blonde Devil vs. Rhyno (RR Qualifier). Anyone care? Didn’t think so. So don’t be so stupid and ask me who won. Edge starts ruining my night by speaking. Even through a commercial break – he keeps yammering on. And on. And on. Finally, Shawn comes out and these two debate the finer things until the whole “Brett” thing comes up from the crowd. After some self serving from Shawn – the two fight. And fight. And fight. It’s sheer bedlam. Yawn. Hey, I got some advise for you Edge. Go look at Jericho at WM a couple years ago and watch him do the J-O-B to Michaels. That’ll be you come March.
-Simon Dean tells us we’re all fat (I hate to say this but, he’s wearing on me folks. Sorry). Then Kane kills him. There were fat pills involved. Trust me – it wasn’t very creative. Snitski comes in with a chair and makes Kane bleed from the mouth. Sad thing was – you could clearly see Kane holding the blood pack in his cheek. So careless.
-Flair speaks some kinda nonsense to Trips. Like my parents, Trips figures the way to motivate Batista is to humiliate him and stomp on his self-esteem. The scars never heal, Dave.
-The Man Who Should Be Champ and Benoit vs. Christian & Tomko. Real smart idea to NOT give Tomko and Christian the titles last night. Now we have to be spared by the whole “Regal-Must-Choose-A-Partner-To-Job-With” routine. I’m using Jericho in the SD: Here Comes The Pain games on my PS2 and I’m beating EVERYONE. Not that you care so much about my video game exploits. Hey, wouldn’t it be neat if Tomko had a personality? Well, wish in one hand… Jericho and Benoit do the whole double-tap thing to win. Yippy.
-Flair tells Trips that Batista is PMS’ing. Trips breaks out the Tampax Wings and all’s well.
-A pillow fight. Titillating. Christy uses the pillow stuffed with bricks and Maria is pronounced dead not two minutes later. So young.
-Batista CLEARLY wasn’t watching the pillow fight.
-Like some soft-core Gay Porn, we meet Chris Masters. WHY IS THIS SHOW FILLED WITH GAY PORN ALL OF A SUDDEN??? I feel queasy.
-Orton vs. Batista. Uh, haven’t I seen this match before? As a matter of fact, here’s an earlier account of the same match that I recapped another time. See if you can spot any difference in the match and this:
The hulking Batista DOMINATES the young Adonis (with leather, chains, whips, and a mighty big paddle) early on. But then the upstart turns the tables on the former bouncer and HAS HIS WAY. Finally, it’s back and forth, UP and DOWN, IN and…well you get the point. Trips wants a THREE WAY dance, but the ref QUEERS the deal and sends the champ to the back. Batista is done with all this FOREPLAY and is ready for some REAL ACTION. It’s time for Orton to GO DOWN. But Orton has other ideas as his adrenaline SWELLS. He wants to be ON TOP by the end of this match. However, Batista isn’t above FORCING things to go his way. Back and forth these two warriors go until both are PANTING AND SWEATING. Finally Orton HOOKS HIS ARM BETWEEN BATISTA’S LEGS and rolls him up for the pin. Batista felt it was a PREMATURE CLIMAX to a great match. Who needs a smoke?
See?
RAW was good not so much. Neither was this recap OR my energy for it. 3 of 10 for RAW. 3 of 10 for RAW Rage.
I’ll be back with more next week – and I’ll even code the links!
Roland