Hello and welcome to the first edition of The Trademark Rants for 2005. I actually had this whole big column planned out in my head, but unfortunately, while writing it earlier this weekend, I got so frustrated with it that I just said “to hell with it” and put it on hold until today. When I finally forced myself to finish it, though, I just decided to write whatever came to mind at any given time, but unfortunately, it will probably be much more direct and confrontational that I had originally planned. The truth is, I was going to write about criticism, and how it can actually HELP people improve themselves and their work in the wrestling world. The column I had in mind was probably going to be a lot better than this, but, like I said, TO HELL WITH IT!!! Six whole people read my column anyway, so it’s not like anyone is going to care if this column is any good or not…
Would you rather have me lie to you? No, seriously, I’m asking you, the reader, this question right now. Would you prefer it if I lied to you? Would you prefer that I just said everything was okay, that everything WWE put on TV is good, and that McMahon’s monopolistic hold on the wrestling industry is actually IMPROVING the wrestling world? And do you seriously believe there is enough Valium in the world to actually make me believe all of that bullsh*t?! Sorry kids, that’s not going to happen. Contrary to popular belief, I say what I say not because I supposedly “hate the wrestling business” or because I’m some sort of “bitter smark”… I say what I say in this column because it’s true. No one ever said you had to believe me, but then again, no one ever said you couldn’t live your live with your head stuck up your ass, either…
There seems to be a trend within our culture to avoid criticism. I’m not sure why that is, though. It seems that any time someone expresses a negative opinion about anything, there are always hordes of people who seem to feel it’s their responsibility to silence the voice of dissent among the other sheep. Whether it’s in the realm of Politics, or for something as stupid and unimportant as a person’s opinion of WWE, there is always a gaggle of people who feel that the best way to respond to criticism is to simply tell the critic to stop criticizing. Well, here’s the thing: you people really need to grow some f*cking balls and learn how to handle some negative criticism quick, because, quite frankly, people like you are the reason why WWE blows right now! Yes-Men are great for stroking egos, but they aren’t great of producing a quality product. If anything, they allow writers and performers to grow complacent with their work, rather than continually improving their work and evolving their craft. In fact, that’s why I love the fact that so many of you hate me. I write my best material when you attack me, after all! The Nirvana Column, Version 2K3, “St. Anger and a Big Glass of Haterade”, “The Price to Play the Game”, and last year’s “Smart Marks, High Expectations and WWE” are among my best work, and I wrote each of them because of YOUR CRITISISM!!! Remember, anger is your friend, and it can go a long way to creating a quality product… If the folks at WWE could just focus their collective anger on booking a better show, rather than simply telling their critics to “shut up”, they might just improve the WWE. But Vince hasn’t listened to me before, so why would he start now?
There seems to be NO ONE in the company, save for possibly Paul Heyman, who seems to have grasped the concept that the fans aren’t buying into the bullshit WWE has produced over the past years. Hell, Heymen even said that if ECW would have survived through 2001, they’d had blown WWE out of the water, and you know what? As arrogant and ballsy as that comment is, Heyman’s probably right! WWE has gone stale since they bought up all their major competition, losing it’s edge, and, at the risk of starting a major firestorm, the entire company as a whole has gotten rather lazy over the past couple years.
For one, the matches are slow and extremely predictable. The last time I watched RAW, I knew who was going to win before the match even started. Actually, not only did I know who was going to win, but I even called the finish and the interference for every single segment. Now, remember, RAW is a LIVE show, which means there are no spoilers to read on the ‘Net, although, as I have stated several times on here, I don’t read spoilers, and strongly object to people posting spoilers on the ‘Net. So, if RAW is live, and there are no spoilers, how could I possibly have known everything WWE was going to do before they did it? Perhaps, it’s because IT’S THE SAME GOD DAMN THEY’VE BEEN DOING FOR MONTHS!!!! I have gone months without watching WWE, I tuned into both shows last week, simply out of curiosity, and lo and behold, I didn’t miss a beat. It’s the same bullsh*t that they were doing the last time I watched WWE at any major length four months ago! The ONLY changes I’ve seen is that apparently, Miss Jackie and Charlie Haas aren’t together anymore, and Eugene and Regal became a Tag Team, but other than that, I’VE SEEN ALL OF THIS BEFORE!!! Hell, I’ve even seen Muhammad Hassan before, which is sad, because Hassan’s actually getting some real heat (unlike most WWE heels these days) for basically playing the same anti-American role we’ve seen every single foreign heel play since the beginning of time! Even the best workers in WWE seem to be working in a rut. Chris Benoit, as good as he is, looks like he’s working the same damn match over and over, because, get this… he’s only working with the same three guys he was working with LAST YEAR!!! The same is true for Jericho. How many more times is he going to wrestle Christian, anyway? And is there anyone who’s actually surprised at the fact that, ONCE AGAIN, Triple H is the World Heavyweight Champion? You know, they ought to just tattoo that belt around his waist and just get it over with, because he’s just going to keep holding it, anyway! “Your Winner and World Heavyweight Champion For Life – Triple H!!!!” You know, Jeff Jarrett is just as bad, but at least I haven’t gotten sick of him holding the NWA Title yet!
Secondly, WWE has gotten extremely lazy in their Creative Department. The writing, at best, reeks of utter incompetence. If the writers in WWE aren’t simply rehashing old angles from past years and recasting them with different wrestlers, they’re going off the deep end with some bullsh*t angle that makes Vince Russo’s craziest ideas seem Shakespearean by comparison. The worst part is that the writers don’t even seem to realize that their plots are supposed to build up matches on the card. In fact, it seems more like the writers want to deal more with a character’s childhood than figuring out how to get the plot to climax with a match. This is wrestling, after all, and no matter what story you tell, ultimately, the story is supposed to climax with a match in the ring. Hell, I know that, and my booking experience is limited to one small local Indy Promotion in Akron, Ohio, which I am unfortunately no long affiliated with because the insecure son of a bitch running it didn’t like the fact that a 21 year-old kid with NO EXPERIENCE in the wrestling business WHATSOEVER was writing better angles and creating more stars than he was! Yes, Frank, I know what you did, and I just told my entire reading audience. Your “buddy” at AAW told me all about your little scheme, and I’m really sorry about making you look bad in TCW, but hey, I guess you should have known better than to hire someone with TALENT! Maybe next time, I’ll just write bullsh*t angles and wallow in mediocrity so the people above me don’t get jealous because I might actually know what wrestling fans want to see. After all, who cares if the company makes money, as long as it doesn’t hurt the Owner’s Ego…
Now, I know what some of you are going to say… “Hey, if you think you can do better than the writers WWE has, you should apply for a job and prove it!” Yeah, like I haven’t already tried. Like Brandon what’s-his-name from ProWrestling.com didn’t already try that over TWO YEARS AGO, and **SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!!**, they didn’t hire him either! Yeah, that course of action sure does sound like a winner, doesn’t it? But, since filling out an application and going the more “traditional” route hasn’t even gotten my foot in the door with the folks at WWE, I think I ought to try a more direct approach…
Note to Self – Find Investors and Start Your Own Wrestling Company. It may be the only way you’ll ever be allowed to prove yourself in this business without having some jealous promoter stab you in the back or fire you for saying “No, Stephanie, that’s a horrible idea!” when she asks you about her latest idea for a new angle…
Okay, well… that’s all I have to say this week, because if I wrote more, this column would actually end up being good, and God Knows I can’t do that! Being a good writer is how I end up LOSING work, after all! In the meantime, keep writing me. Keep hating me. Keep critiquing me, and keep inspiring me to write this piece of sh*t every week! Who knows? Maybe one day, I can reek so much that maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll be able to keep a job in this business for more than five minutes before the company runs out of money or gets their ass sued by some bitter, jealous old man with too much time on his hands… Send all your hate mail and applications to the Vince McMahon “Kiss My Ass” Club to TheMaverickMJ@yahoo.com . Thanks, and I’ll see you all around, I guess…
