Welcome to another edition of Branded! This is the December edition! By the time you read this, we will be living in the year of the monkey: 2005! Actually, I don’t know if this is the year of the money. I barely even know what year it is. Let’s face it, I just make stuff up most of the time.
New Year’s Resolutions
In one of the forums I regularly post in, I asked people, “What New Year’s Resolultions would you make for the WWE if you called the shots?”
Here are mine:
So many Divas, not enough to wrestle.
Do you guys remember that great match not too long ago between Trish and Lita? You know, Lita nearly suicide dived to another broken neck? I mean that was the highlight but the whole match was really on point. Who knew they had it in them? Especially Lita. My point is, look at the caliber of talent the women’s division has…I mean they have Lita, Trish, Molly Holly, Victoria…and…
Lita, Trish Molly Holly and Victoria.
…
That’s it. That’s all they have. Oh wait, you’re confused right? There must be more since you see a whole bunch of newly hired generic blow up dolls walking around RAW and SD right? Wrong. The Women’s Division only has about four good female wrestlers…I mean four wrestlers in general. Out of all of the female talent the company has let go, they haven’t let go of any non-wrestling talent. Jazz, Nidia, and Gail Kim are all gone. I mean out of those three Jazz was the veteran female wrestler and Nidia had a lot of promise. Why would they dump those two for “financial” reasons, yet hire a bunch of Diva contestant rejects who serve no purpose?
I guess that’s what they think the people want to see. A bunch of half dressed women with “radio faces”. Here’s a hint WWE, an ugly girl with a tacky hair weave and pounds of make up piled on combined with skimpy clothes and fresh new implants right out the box with the tags still on do NOT make a diva. There are gorgeous “non-wrestling” divas who have more personality than a bread box, and they belong in the company. Torrie, Stacy, Dawn Marie, Miss Jackie…they are all fine and fun…even Christy Hemme has her place. However, there is not enough wrestling women talent on the roster to make getting the Women’s Title more challenging. When you’ve got women like Lita, Trish and Victoria putting their necks, noses and limbs on the line to put on a good match, you’d sure better give them something more to work with because they deserve it.
So my first resolution would to be elevating the Women’s Division. I’d do this by hiring more credible talent, building stronger feuds and storylines and making the title seem more important. Having a strong capable Women’s Division can only make the WWE look even better as a promotion. Besides, I wouldn’t scrap the T&A matches just yet.
A Long Time Coming.
GM Theodore Long is the perfect fit for SmackDown! Who knew a face GM could work so well on a brand? He’s got personality, charisma and he’s all out funny. Before Carlito began passing out a petition to get him booted, there were rumors floating around that the company was going to end his run as the GM. Who could take his place? I don’t know, but my next resolution is to keep Long and give him a larger roles in storylines.
SmackDown! the writing staff.
The writing staff on SmackDown!…well frankly…
They need to be shot.
SmackDown! Sucks. And booting Paul Heyman, the only guy who really made SD! Interesting, did not/is not helping this dire situation. Have you been watching SmackDown! lately? Oh excuse me, I mean…have you been watching SmackDown the whole year? Wow. Not a good look. There was some bright spots, but so many things done wrong its ridiculous. I hate to just make backless accusations but I don’t have enough space in this column to list all of the wrongs with this program. But here are some:
1. Storylines are not continuous. It’s like everyone has ADD. Stuff that happens one week never continues to the next and if a storyline does, it has no impact.
2. They mishandled their biggest stars John Cena, Undertaker and Eddie Guerrero. Over rapping and over using a gimmick, underfeuding, and stressing out former champions is not a good look for each of these guys.
3. Cruisers have not been getting enough play.
So, for the new year I’d make sure that the writing team came correct with theirs even if it meant writing the scripts myself.
I’d also make SD! live in order to make things fresh and exciting.
PPV Overhaul.
I’d either a) cheapen the PPV’s or b) make fewer high quality ones in order to improve buy rates. This is self explanatory.
And finally,
Kill the cheese factor.
I’d stay away from “Angry Arab” angles that exploit feelings about American tragedies and Wars where people are dying and stuff. I’d also stay away from cultural/racial “gimmicks” or I’d do my best to make it as tasteful as possible.
I’d like to quote The Current Big Thing who wrote this in the Salty Ham Forums about Heels, because I totally agree with him:
I would bring back the era of classic heels – heels that get booed not because of where they’re from or how much they hate USA, but because they are assholes to the fans & the public.
Amen Brother.
RAW!–The Month In Review: December
Week One, December 6th, 2004–RAW IS JERICHO! (At least for tonight.)
Tonight is Jericho’s week as GM, and he’s running this week’s RAW like a party. He says everyone is going to get LAID! After which Hawaiian lais fall from the sky. Get it! He’s so clever. His band Fozzy is there ready to jam.
The “Who’s the champ?” controversy is still a major topic. McMahon comes out with the belt to discuss the plans for it. HHH comes out, expecting his ass to be kissed and for the title to be handed back to him especially since it’s not known if Edge or Benoit are winners, but McMahon just tells him that he’s not naming him or anyone else the champ. He’s going to dump that responsibility on Bischoff when he gets back from vacation. The title is VACATED.
After which HHH and Batista have an argument backstage since Trips has an attitude about what just happened with Vince. Batista said if it weren’t for Batista getting involved in this mess, there’d be no controversy and the title would indubitably be around someone else’s waist. Batista yells, “YOU’RE WELCOME!” and leaves as HHH continues to thrash around backstage in a rage.
Jericho books himself on a team with Benoit against HHH and Batista backstage during Jericho’s “party” where he’s sipping on some spirits around skanky women. It’s a party now!
Eugene over Maven via DQ when Maven goes off the handle and chokes Eugene with his boot on his neck. Not nice. Not nice at all. Maven then goes on after the match to hit Regal in the head with one of the tag team belts.
Christy Hemme wins a limbo contest during a “party” in the ring with Jericho. After which Jericho has the girl contestants dance around in the ring while he sings with his band Fozzy. All of a sudden the lights go dark. Muhammad Hussan comes on the titantron and asks them how it feels to have everything change in an instant when they’re having fun. Oh yeah? Well that’s how Arab-Americans have been feeling since 9/11 and blah blah blah. He “terrorizes” them with a threat. When he debuts next week, the party is over.
Ooooh! He’s going to turn out more lights! He’s scary!
Simon Deane over Hurricane by grabbing the tights.
Edge is Orton’s bitch, according to Randy, after Edge comes out to the ring and blames Orton for him not giving him a singles match when he was GM. Orton comes out, calls him a bitch and they start throwing down, only to be separated by referees.
Shelton Benjamin retains his intercontinental title against Christian.
HHH threatens Bischoff during a phone call. If Eric doesn’t hand HHH the title there’ll be an “or else”. Batista hangs up the phone and tells Trips he’s making a big mistake by threatening the GM. Trips takes this the wrong way and asks, “You don’t think I deserve the title?”
More derision in the Evolution camp.
Benoit and Jericho win by DQ over Batista and Trips when HHH uses a weapon in the match. Afterwards Trips mistakenly hits Batista in the head when he was going for Jericho. He walks out saying he was never actually “beaten”. Whatever.
Lita gives Trish the “Kiss of Death” literally when she kisses Trish on the mouth and then kicks her ass in one of the best Women’s matches–or best matches period–of the year! Lita nearly breaks her neck during a suicide dive and the whole match is just golden. Lita is now the champion.
Week Two, December 13th, 2004–Bischoff’s Return
Bischoff comes out with the title, talking and talking and talking about what’s going to happen to the title. But all the boys who want it come out and start brawling. Bischoff gets mad and books a rematch: HHH and Batista VS. Jericho and Benoit. Then he says Edge will face Orton next.
Randy Orton beats Edge.
Hints that Kane will be coming back soon appear when his flames shoot up preventing Snitsky from running up the ramp like a little bitch when he hears Kane’s music. He came out to menace Christy and Stacy who were spreading love with the t-shirt gun and then Lita when Kane’s music began to play out of nowhere.
Deane gets “signed” officially as a WWE RAW superstar.
Batista makes the cover and wins for he and HHH against Jericho and Benoit. However, HHH still doesn’t look pleased. He was trying to look good in front of Bischoff and Batista stole his shine.
FOLEY SHOWS UP! of course he’s promoting his book, but he says that’s not the reason he’s here. He’s a RAW guy but he’s going to be going to SD to put on a show for the troops. Hussan and manager come out and they have a heated debate about the war and whether or not the troops should be supported. Hussan doesn’t support the war OR the troops, and Foley says that the troops should be supported no matter how one feels about the war. It was an intense promo, and well done, though I swear, it wasn’t necessary or respectful. Foley taunts Hussan for a fight, but Hussan says he will not fight a man he doesn’t respect.
Whatever.
Mason, Tomko and Christian over Eugene, Regal and Benjamin.
HHH begs Bischoff like a beeyatch for the title, looking like he’s about to cry. Pathetic.
Bischoff makes his decision. The title will go on the line at New Year’s Revolution in the elimination chamber! His contenders: Benoit, Edge, HHH, Chris Jericho, Batista and Randy Orton. The guys start brawling when Bischoff leaves the ring.
Week Three, November 20th, 2004–The Best of Raw
Coach and King discuss the year’s highlights of the show through clips and cheesy ass segments which plug AXE body deodorant.
Week Four, November 27th, 2004–Beat The Clock
For the six men named as contestants in the Elimination Chamber match at New Year’s Revolution, there will be a Beat the clock night. Each man will get an unknown opponent and the person who beats their opponent the quickest within a certain time frame will be the last person released in the chamber. Also, if any of the six men lose tonight, their opponents will replace them in the chamber match. The stakes are high.
The Beat the clock proceedings are going on. So far, Orton and Jericho have both beaten their opponents but Orton has the quickest time so far. After these two matches Lita faces and beats Molly Holly. And then Snitsky comes out to bother Lita some more. Bischoff turns up and tells Snitsky that since he’s having so much fun chasing Lita out of the ring that he’ll have even more fun facing Kane at the next PPV.
Simon Deane over Rosey.
In another Beat the clock match, Edge has to face Eugene. He has to beat Randy Orton’s time which is 6:14. Edge makes Eugene tap, but he does not beat Orton’s time.
Benoit beats Viscera in 5:41. He becomes the man to beat.
Hassan interrupts a promo by Stacy to give an EXCELLENT one of his own. He and his manager then call JR and King the “Good ‘ole boys” who make life so hard and what not. They slam King on a table and punch JR in the face.
Batista beats Rhyno in 3:02. HHH bitches to Batista afterward about how he shouldn’t have beat the clock. Batista apologizes but HHH continues to berate him. Finally Batista yells, “NOW YOU ARE STARTING TO PISS ME OFF!”
That’s right B. Don’t let him bully you. Turns out HHH has to face Shelton Benjamin and beat the clock of 3:02. HHH won his match but did not beat the clock. It is then announced that the special referee of the Chamber match as HBK, who comes out strutting like nobody’s business.
Awesome.
December’s Titleholders:
Lita-Women’s Champion
Shelton Benjamin-Intercontinental Champion
Eugene & Regal-World Tag Team Champions
(Vacated)-World Heavyweight Champion
The Grade
As much as I hate to admit it, the deplorable whining by Hussan and the sophomoric antics by Deane helped to make the show. Both the men do top notch promos. This month was filled with creative surprises. A-.
SmackDown!–The Month In Review: December
Week One, December 2nd, 2004–Hiroko’s Milkshake
RVD, Rey and Torrie beat RVD, Kenzo and Hiroko. Apparently Hiroko has beef with Torrie because Kenzo has been salivating over her like a grinning idiot.
The Tough enough finalists during this time, The Miz, Puder, Justice, and Ryan Reeves talk smack about each other like PMS’ing fat bitches. Just like when the Divas during the Diva search talked about who they thought should be voted off, everyone gunned for the most likely to win: Puder. Reeves got eliminated. The final two remaining contestants will compete in a regulation boxing match at Armageddon. We all know how that turned out.
Hiroko yells at Kenzo that her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and then she challenges Torrie to a bra and panties match.
Carlito and Jesus jumped Haas during a supposed one on one match between Carlito and Haas. Damn that Jesus, that troublemaker in a zoot suit.
The newest members of the cabinet the Bashams, beat Eddie Guerrero and Booker T. JBL and OJ jump in to continue the beating.
Angle beat some kid named Sebastian in the hometown invitation within twenty seconds.
Reigns gets shot down by Joy, when he offers her a dinner date. She says she already has plans with Big Show. Big Show came out and double clotheslined Reigns and Jindrak. Kurt backed off. Cole called Kurt’s team cowards.
Homophobic Holly was approached by each of the three Tough Enough finalists who were dressed in drag and had to tell him why he was the object of their affections. He freaked out but continued on with the contest. After Snow ribbed him during the ridiculous “contest”, Holly punched him in the face.
After a cat fight, Dawn Marie and Miss Jackie are booked in a match at Armageddon with Haas as the guest referee.
Undertaker squashes JBL & OJ in a handicapped match.
Week Two, December 9th, 2004–Affirmative Action Gone Wrong
JBL says Teddy Long is a piece of garbage an example of affirmative action gone wrong. OJ is nodding to this like the houseboy that Booker T claimed him to be. He talks some more shit–some of its about Taker–and then the lights go out. When they come back on, Undertaker is here and he’s choke slamming the Bashams as OJ and JBL get away.
Funaki won a cruiserweight battle royale. Yippee.
Teddy Long threatened JBL with the stripping of his title if he wrongly interferes in any events at Armageddon and the Bashams tell JBL that his limo was stripped of its tires and put on cinderblocks.
Miss Jackie pleads with Haas not to have a street fight with Jesus. Haas has bloody eyes that Jesus supposedly gave him. Who said Jesus Loves You? Ha ha. I got one more: What Would Jesus Do? Give you two bloody eyes. I’m so corny. I don’t care because it’s my column. After this scene Haas promptly loses to Jesus and Carlito spits apple bits on him. Miss Jackie and Dawn Marie run out to tend to Charlie, but wind up staring at each other in a really gay way…literally gay…like are they gonna fight or make out? Finally, Haas leaves the ring and each girl scoots after him, perching under each of his shoulders. He looks at the two of them and shakes his head like he knows some bow chicka bow wow is going to happen later on.
This is so stupid.
Eddie rolls a tire into the arena, leading us to believe that yes, he was the one involved in stripping JBL’s car. What a surprise.
Torrie and Hiroko strip each other down to their skivvies in a dumb scene. Yeah cause when you want to beat some lady up for unintentionally seducing your husband, the first thing you want to do is tear her pants off instead of ripping off her face.
Rey and RVD are the new tag team champswhen they defeat Suzuki and Dupree. Good match.
Heidenrech says he’s never coming back to SD, because the people don’t like him there. He likes being in his strait jacket in the crazy house popping pills. Wow, he went from maniac to straight whiny crazy bitch. He’s Brock Lesnar without any championship wins. Zing.
Big Show over Jindrak by DQ. Reigns caused the DQ by interfering, and he and Angle beat Show up badly.
Booker T, Eddie Guerrero and Undertaker over JBL and his Cabinet.
PPV–Armageddon–December 12th, 2004
+ Rey Mysterio & RVD retain WWE Tag Team Titles over Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree
+Daniel Puder over Mike Mizanin in a Dixie Dogfight
+The Bashams over Charlie Haas & Hardcore Holly
+John Cena over Jesus to retain the US title
+Dawn Marie over Jackie Gayda
+Big Show over Mark Jindrak, Luther Reigns & Kurt Angle
+Funaki over Spike Dudley
+JBL retains WWE title over Booker T, Eddie Guerrero, and Undertaker
Week Three, December 16th, 2004–The Princess of SmackDown!?
JBL gave Amy Weber (Diva search loser) a tiara during his celebration for retaining his title at Armageddon. Angle then came out and challenged him for the WWE title, since he was popping crap about being the greatest champion of all time. JBL tried to back out, but Long came out and booked the match officially. The title is on the line.
Tag team champs Rey Mysterio and RVD retain their titles against Billy Kidman and Akio.
Heidenrech read a poem about how he cost Undertaker the title. Cole ran. Fast.
New partners Eddie Guererro and Booker T, beat Kenzo and Dupree in a tag team match.
BackstageCarlito and JBL share the same disdain for Teddy Long. They make plans to talk about what they could do about the situation later.
The Cena/Jesus street fight from Armageddon was shown in its entirety. It sucked. As soon as Jesus began to bleed the screen went black and white. I thought my TV was bugging out because I had taped this episode. The general speculation about this is that it makes the blood look less graphic.
Puder won Tough Enough. He’s going to be in the Royal Rumble.
Joy handed out candy canes in a “sexy” Santa outfit. When she offered one to JBL, Amy got jealous and attacked her. Long ordered everyone out of the ring area except for JBL and Angle whose match was up next.
Jordan got the match DQ’d when he interfered. No contest? Or is it just given to Angle? Either way a big brawl broke out when Show ran out and chokeslammed everyone to hell. He F5’d OJ and motioned like he wanted the title.
Week Four, December 23rd, 2004–Christmas In Iraq
The WWE does it for the troops:
Booker T over Rene Dupree.
“Santa” this year was really Mick Foley. He gave out T shirts to the crowd and underthings to the Divas. Dawn Marie, since she was naughty this year, got like a half drunken bottle of Gatorade.
Undertaker squashed Heidenrech.
Eddie Guerrero and Lillian Garcia got choked up as they thanked the troops. I know, I know, one of them is always crying anyway. That emotional Eddie.
Holly defeated Suzuki.
JBL came into the ring wearing a biohazard suit and a cowboy hat. He’s too important to get hurt in this war zone, but not too important to get punked out by Big Show. Who head butted him and wore his cowboy hat as JBL scooted from the ring.
Eddie Guererro & Mysterio beat Luther and Angle.
Week Five, December 30th–Night of Champions
Tonight is the Night of Champions according to Teddy Long. Each champion gets to choose who they will defend their title against tonight.
Cena calls his fans “the chain gang”. He gave his jersey away to a little kid. Then Rene came out and challenged Cena for the title, making up his mind for him. Well, Dupree lost.
JBL and show bitched and griped at each other on behalf of their hags, Amy and Joy respectively. Amy and Joy hate each other, in case you didn’t realize it by now. Show wants a shot at the WWE title.
Angle beat his invitational challenge. Really doesn’t matter who the jobber was.
Puder taunted Holly after being confronted for Holly for his cocky attitude when walking into the face locker room. “Have you ever been in a WM main event? No? Well I will.”
JBL squashed Shannon Moore, retaining his title.
Funaki successfully defended his cruiserweight title, against Spike Dudley.
Rey and RVD retain their titles against Booker T and Eddie Guerrero.
December’s Titleholders
Funaki-Cruiserweight Champion
John Cena-US Champion
Rey Mysterio & RVD -WWE Tag Team Champions
John Bradshaw Layfield-WWE Champion
The Grade
I kept waiting all year long for SD to get better. It never happened: D.
RAW & SD!: Behind The Scenes: December’s News
The Man Behind The Scenes–In an interview with TSN.ca/Wrestling, HHH admits that he is a top writer on RAW and though he has a lot of influence on the programming, the final say goes to Vince who he says will do only what’s best for the company. When asked if he likes the fans, he says that the fans don’t know him and that he does not use his power to benefit himself solely, but for the benefit of the show. He says that though he knows he can’t be on top all of the time, he’ll always be a big star in the business.
Lance Storm Gets Choked up–Lance Storm, a current trainer in ECW (or according to Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mr. Boring) talks about how great the ECW Rise and Fall DVD is: “I genuinely got choked up watching this DVD and for the first time since I retired from the ring, missed performing. ECW was a once in a lifetime experience and I am so glad I was a part of it…When I look back on my 14-year career, ECW is the highlight, and no one else even comes close.”
Kim Caught Off Guard–Gail Kim says she was caught off guard by her release by the WWE, especially since she was on RAW the week she was fired. She says her most memorable/best moment was winning the Women’s Title. Her worst moment was when a collarbone injury ruptured her breast implant and kept her out for five months. Her best match according to her, was with Nidia on Sunday Night Heat. Nidia is said to be one of her closest friends and she’s also cool with Victoria and Stacy Kiebler. Kim still wants to wrestle, saying that a submission match with Chris Benoit would be her “dream match”.
The Most Ridiculous Idea–McMahon was interviewed in Esquire magazine. He says the most ridiculous idea he’s ever heard for a gimmick was hiring hunchbacks. He says they could never be pinned because their shoulders could never touch the mat. He also thinks steroids should be banned even though he admits to taking them in his 40’s.
Aussies Praise Cena–The Australian film industry is praising Cena for “saving” the film industry there. An excerpt from Australian Nine National News says: “American wrestling superstar John Cena came to Australia to play a soldier but is unexpectedly doing double duty as a hero to a film industry in distress. The muscle-bound action star of World Wrestling Entertainment’s first feature film, The Marine, is tag teaming with another wrestling horror movie called Goodnight in a revival package at Queensland’s movie studios on the Gold Coast.”
That’s right, he’s going to be in the same movie Kane is starring in, not called “Eye Scream Man” but “Goodnight”. The charismatic star is about to get real big real soon.
HHH Hates On Hardcore Wrestling–In an interview on AOL Sports, HHH talks about amateurs who want to make it in the wrestling biz. He says “learn the basics. There are so many guys that I see coming up in the business that come to the WWE TV tapings to get looked at, to trey to get a job, they send their tapes in, and they can do moonsaults, topes, and all these crazy flips and they can’t grab a headlock right, they can’t do a headlock takeover right, they can’t throw a punch, they can’t throw a decent kick right. They don’t even know how to do the basic things in the business. It’s like being a basketball player where you can’t dribble real well but you can dunk it.”
He also goes on to say, “what we do is wrestling. It’s not falling off of ladders, it’s not jumping off the top rope. What we do for a living is wrestling. When I watch wrestling tapes I watch stuff from the ‘70s and the ‘60s and the ‘80s when the business was a bit slower and what you try to do is learn the psychology of why guys do these things and what they’re doing as opposed to just like ‘I’m gonna do the craziest thing I can think of to get the crowd to chant ‘Holy Crap’ or whatever.’ It’s not about that, that’s not how you make a great match. And the guys that do that, that’s how you will be forgotten very quickly.”
Well, I still think Foley rocks.
Speaking of Foley…
The Honky Tonk Man, Foley and Flair–Right before the Dec. 13th RAW, Flair offered Foley a handshake to make amends for their beef, but Foley turned it down, instead asking Flair to sign one of his books for charity. After this, Flair sucker punched Foley, connecting, but no real damage was done. It sort of reminds me of the time when I saw those two old ladies fighting in the park and cussing up a storm…
But anyway, The Honky Tonk man has thrown his opinions into the mix. On his website he speaks ill of Flair in the situation: “I guess Flair is right. To be the man, you have to beat the man. Is that why he sucker punched Mick? The dirtiest player in the game was trying to be the man so he wanted to beat the man. I say Foley is the man because he found his niche outside the business. His books aren’t about his bragging rights of being the man or being the Kink. When I had a beef with Mick over some sentences he had written about me, we settled it in a civil manner, shook hands, and went on about our business. Why would Flair punch instead of going off to the side and hash things out over a cup coffee? Jealous anger! That is why. I have been called an angry man, but I have not sucker punched anyone over this business. Standing naked in front of airline flight attendants, trying to punch Bischoff (that’s okay), making derogatory remarks about virgins in front of WWE advertisers, having a stinking match with the Kink, and sucker-punching Foley is enough for WWE to tell Flair, ‘turn in your plane tickets, you are finished.’ To be the man, you need to act like the man.”
Ooooh. BURN!
Why Heyman Got The Boot–Why was Heyman suspended from his writing duties by Stephanie McMahon? She believes he eavesdropped on a conference concerning booking that he was not invited to. Ouch.
Sorry This is the HHH show–Another HHH blurb, sorry folks. When Trips was on Howard Stern he was asked about the Chyna Sex Tape. “She didn’t have pimples on her ass when I was dating her,” he said. Sorry I just thought that was funny.
**Source:PWTorch.com**
Well that’s looking back on the month of December. See you next month!
