Each year, RAW decides to put on a “Best of” show that I don’t bother watching. But in the grand tradition of the “getting myself over” – I go through my RAW Rages for the year and pick out stuff that I felt was my best and make a “Best of RAW Rage.” Hard to believe I’ve been doing this column for a year and a half, huh? Anyway, enjoy it – it’ll be another year before I do this again. Hopefully…
BEST OF RAW RAGE 2004
-The wife and I catch part of “The Crow.” Good movie for back in the day. The sequel was horrendous and I think they made a third, but I never caught it. This one is good to try and pinpoint the moment that Brandon Lee took the bullet that did him in. Good soundtrack too.
-SNG is on. The blind guy is freaking out over something and starts using big, geeky words. Man, are Trekkies ever geeks. Now, on to my fake sport!
-Vince exploits MLK by showing a video of him. Long Live The Dream, the TV says. Now it’s on to make fun of Booker T’s arrest record and have Teddy Long hate whitey.
-Kane wins with a chokeslam but then cannot light his post-fire. Finally it works and then another Taker video shows up saying that in 34 days the dead will live again. Then we get the purple rain…purple rain. I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain. (Prince OWNED the Grammys).
-Trish/Lita vs. Jazz/Molly. Coach joins the announce crew to give us more awkward moments and veiled racial slurs. Vince is a genius.
-The Blair John Henson Witch Project is on after RAW. Failed.
-Goldy has a full beard now – I don’t think I noticed that last week. Either that or the man can grow some facial hair WITH A QUICKNESS!
-Trips confides in Batista, who listens closely as the H’s instructs him to “have a talk” with the other members of their Sur Ser team. Batista nods, reading between the lines. He knows “have a talk” really means “put everything on the internet.” He’s no dummy
-After some commercials telling me not to smoke, but that I really need to see Ashton Kutcher movies, we have the Y2J/RVD vs. Most of Evolution match. JR tells us that the Wrestlemania 3D mag will be out tomorrow (and if you pick it up – it will lift you up and slam you through a table…you know, because it’s 3D. Get it? 3D?).
Cade and Jindrak serve no purpose. I would love to leave it at that, but this is a recap.
-Austin comes out on his ATV thing (which people keep calling a “4 wheeler”. That’s absurd. I could call my Ford Escort a 4 wheeler).
-So, I guess it’s Benoit’s turn to run the show. Great. A night full of bad promos and being constantly reminded that he’s FOR REAL. As an added bonus, Benoit personally guarantees to steal another wrestler’s wife – so we have that to look forward to.
-The Highlight Reel is up first and Jericho calls out Benoit. It’s the Canadian Power Hour!
-Vince escapes to his limo and Austin drives that little thing on top of it and yells at Vince through the sunroof. My wife asks, “Why doesn’t Vince just get out of the Limo? Austin won’t catch him.” Good point honey.
-You know, mixed tag matches are useless. The guys can only fight each other and the girls can only fight each other – so if one tags out, the other has to tag out. This leaves no room for momentum…wait…sorry. I forgot wrestling was fake there for a minute. I went all Smark Keith on you. Won’t do it again.
-Triple H is mad – but his hair looks luxurious. Batista exclaims, “I’VE GOT YOUR BACK!” and the slowly positions himself behind Trips to show that he meant it literally rather than figuratively.
-Then Bill gets the microphone. How unwise. Goldy officially enters the Rumble then garbles something to do with his title belt and makes facial ticks.
-Benoit gets interviewed by Coach. He says the same thing Shawn did. Benoit’s nipples were super pokey for you ladies (and gay guys).
-Trips shows up with his ouchless Band-Aids.
-A commercial for Heat? What has the world come to?
-HBK has some weird thing on his neck. I’m calling for it to be the flesh-eating virus. That would be smart booking.
-Stacey tries to give Trish some love advice. She’s so smart about that stuff because she’s had David Flair and Test.
-Austin watches this commercial and gets on that stupid ATV and almost runs down jobbers Cade and Jindrak. They are all, “Hey man! We have to get ready for our Heat match!” Didn’t Ozzy almost die on one of those ATV’s?
-You can watch Heat to see Lance Storm and Val Venus lose to the Duds to see who will gets to go to WM. Go ahead, knock yourself out.
-I love it when the cage comes down. I have no idea why. As this one comes down, we see that The Undertaker has hung The Big Bossman from it again. CRUEL UNDERTAKER – LET THE MAN REST IN PEACE!
-How many times in one night do I need to see Henry’s junk? I know him better than I know any man – and this both frightens and confuses me.
Stacy kills some fans with her T-shirt bazooka and Sgt. Slaughter hits the deck, screaming, “IT’S NAM ALL OVER AGAIN! NOTHING WILL SAVE US BUT MY CHIN!!!” After one fan gets hit by a shirt, Kevin Costner shows up and replays the film over and over again, depicting how the fan’s head went “back and to the left.” And that’s how we celebrate “JFK Shooting Day” here in Dallas.
-Then Coach comes in cracking jokes about the GM tiff last night. Well, Bischoff thinks it’s so funny, he makes a Coach vs. Goldberg (no DQ) match tonight. That’ll learn ya to shut your pie hole, Coach.
-He orders Foley to be at the Rumble – else he will have to come and drag Foley there because that would be breaking Austin’s Law. Never mind that the forcible dragging of Foley to an arena against his will would break the Real Law.
-Kane promises to take Taker’s undefeated streak at WM, as well as his life. He is NOT AFRAID!!! But then the bong hits (heh – RVD would be proud) and the ring levitates. Hey, that ring is like Eddie Guerrero’s cars. Eddie’s under that ring!
-Lita vs. Molly vs. Trish for the Women’s Title. Sigh. I just don’t care. I haven’t been the same since that Edge promo. Curse you Edge! Curse you Blonde Devil!
-Flair tells Benoit that he may be the best (and I’ll try to write it like he pronounced it) “tech – eh – nickel” wrestler around – but he will always be a runner-up. Flair slurs his way into telling us all that Triple H is The Man. Boy, is Flair drunk. Like, almost Joe Namath drunk. It would be funny if he turned to Lillian at ringside and said, “I wanna kiss you.”
-Austin is upset that Eric isn’t acting like the man who ran Nitro. So, Eric immediately starts spending money like it’s leaves on trees and makes wrestlers ridiculous contracts and promises.
-During the break – Christian ran away. Ross fought hard not to say “Scalded Dog.”
-Eugene (with Regal) vs. Maven. What? You’re just going to GIVE this match away on free TV? But the buyrate! THE BUYRATE!!! Ugh, this company is going the way of WCW and fast.
-Trippers worries that he will end up like Yokozuna (you know, all fat and lethargic. Hey, he actually will the day he stops taking the roids. Those big muscles will turn right into mush).
-An “Escape the Rules” commercial. I heard Linda say this week that they were excited about the new ad campaigns for RAW and SD because they feel a lot of the audience either watches one or the other of the shows. So, this would be a good way to cross promote. Problem is – I’ve only seen THE SD COMMERCIALS ON SD AND THE RAW COMMERCIALS ON RAW YOU BRAINLESS WONDERS!!!
-Benoit vs. Veee Oneaaaaahhh! Matt never irons his clothes and occasionally cheats on his diet. He also can never win on RAW.
-Rob Conway vs. Rico. Well, it’s the gay guy vs. the gay guy. Jackie actually pulls her top off and exposes herself to Conway. Naturally (which is more than I can say for Jackie – HAHAHAHAHA)
-Goldy then tells the camera that Lesnar is next. Foley comes out (Hey, this isn’t Lesnar! Goldberg said Lesnar was next!).
-Remember when the WWE went to Iraq? Good times. Wait – they are going back again. And this time, their bringing THE SARGE! Falusia is GOING DOWNTOWN TO CHINATOWN!
– Matt is ready to forget the past and start anew if only Lita would come to the ring. She doesn’t – but DOES come up on the Titan Tron. Seem’s she is being forced to tell Matt she doesn’t love him and wants him to stay away. I knew it! Once you go burnt…
-Shawn then comes down and he’s all, “I respect you, dude. But I’ma gonna win `n stuff.” Benoit’s all, “Nuh uh! I’ma gonna win `n stuff!” Then Shawn’s all, “Good luck, dude!” Then the two agree to disagree and shake hands. Trips then comes out for his weekly 20 minute promo and is all, “Hey man, you two are homos. I’m roided up and married in – so the only one winning Sunday is whom I SAY will win Sunday. And it’s ain’t you two.” The other two can’t argue with that.
-Eugene made it to Ross and King and licked King’s face until Regal came and got him. Hee Haw Larity.
-Fliar gives Trippers a pep talk. Flair wears his RAW shirt from last week because old people don’t take free shirts for granted.
-Lillian announces Johnny Spade as guest ref – who now wants to be called Johnny Nitro (like the show – everyone would rather be watching something else).
-More Eugene training. The cheesy music was freaking AWESOME! And you should be ashamed of yourself if you missed the Triple H water bottle and Dr. Tom jumping up and down for Eugene with that hysterical hairdo. Genius. Dude, how can Tom walk out of the house with that mop-top anyway?
-Look, it’s very simple. Just because HBK signs a contract doesn’t make it binding. You see, his signature doesn’t match the name below the line. If when I bought my house someone else had come and signed for it – I wouldn’t have lost the house because they would have been signing a contract that was not agreed upon by all parties involved. So, he should just redraw the contract for Benoit and have it over with.
-“Roland’s Sarcasm” is brought to you by: Playstation 2 – “Ignore Life.”
-Some guy asks La Res why they moved to Quebec. I bet it has to do with the marriage laws there.
-Will it be yes or no? He wants to know tonight. But what is the question? I’m predicting: “Do you use Massengill?”
-You know, it’s almost useless for me to recap a match like this since we all know who is going to win before it ever starts. It’s like watching Superstars on Saturday morning again.
-Frenchie comes out and cuts a French promo – wanting one last match on RAW against whatever RAW superstar want to take the challenge. Pat Patterson has to be restrained backstage…
-Shelton is here to remind those who might have forgotten that he has defeated Mr. H twice. Randy is aghast at this outrage and the two of them agree to disagree for a moment. However, Master Shelton proposes a way to settle the differences that might seem agreeable to young master Orton. How about a wrestling match, old chum, to see who is better? Master Orton is in disagreement of this contest and uses racial overtones to bring about his point. This does not sit well with Master Benjamin, as he is a man of color and decides to give Master Orton a fist-fall of reasons to stop such nonsense. Master Flair collects his injured combatant and the disagreement is far from over, but carried over in the eyes of the two warrior as they stare in anger at one another. Ugh, I gotta stop writing like that…
-Ross and King talk about the big angle of Eddie Guerrero’s mother having a heart attack after Bradshaw attacked her at a house show. Hey, if I wanted to recap SD stuff, I wouldn’t have got Jeanice!
-A video of the WWE in Mexico to show off Lita. Somewhere, Essa Rios cries
-Edge is a heel now. A HEEL!!! If you morons can’t get that through your thick skulls – the WWE will continue to show us video packages of the heel turn. Over and over again. Every week. WE GET IT ALREADY! Sheesh.
-The smoke detector goes off. You know why? Because this match is HOT HOT HOT!!! The crowd starts chanting Y-2-J to the buzz sounds. It’s amusing since they will all SOON BURN TO A CRISP!!! THIS IS KANE’S FINAL REVENGE!!! This gives new meaning to the term, “I’m dying to watch RAW.”
-Trish is over anyway – so you know she can be an over heel based on looks alone. Sure, the last time she was heel she was doing nasty things with Vince – but that’s done too. Now, she can be the really pretty version of Victoria, who likes it rough. Plus, with the belly shirt and high boots – she was hot last night. Hot and bad. You all liked it (not me, honey – I thought she was a dirty WHORE who was simply TRASHY. NONE OF THEM ARE AS HOT AS YOU!!!). I’m in trouble.
-“Reminiscing Roland” is brought to you in part by: Rice-a-Ronny – “Imagine what other things most San Franciscan’s eat. This is MUCH BETTER!”
-Bischoff gets happy and starts making matches for next week. Wanna know what they are? Too bad. You should have watched the show.
-The Duds are on? I’m having some cheese chex mix. I gave up the Klondikes long ago.
– Goldy hightails it and Kane freaks out and I LOVE IT! I really do miss the Old Taker. Not that idiot – Biker Taker guy. I like the evil, eyes-roll-in-the-back-of-the-head Taker. Not the guy who rubs his face a lot and talks about “his yard.” I want the evil one. I want the urn. I want FAT PAUL BEARER!
-Lance Storm makes a quick, pointless heel turn because he doesn’t want to dance anymore…or maybe it’s because he hasn’t been on RAW in 6 months or something.
-Lita runs out to stop this nonsense and in only a way she could – manages to make the word “Yes” into bad acting. Kane, who suspected that the lass did douche and is spring fresh, whispers in her ear, “I sometimes get that ‘not so fresh’ feeling,” and then leaves happy to know that his gal pal is clean. All’s well that ends well.
-Earlier today, the spare wrestlers had to try and get people to SmackDown their vote. Unfortunately, NOBODY wants anything to do with SmackDown lately, so no one signed up.
-Vince made an announcement today that they are having a Diva search. A bunch of hoes were behind him. If you looked real close, you could see the Godfather in the back begging for his job. I saw him mouth the words, “I’d be happy to be Poppa Shango!”
-Trish vs. Lita. Okay, Lita blows some spots and Trish oversells. You’ve seen it a thousand times.
-Hurricane is interviewed. He shoots about never headlining WM. But he does believe he can do it. He believes he can win. He believes he can fly…He believes he can touch the sky…He thinks about it every night and day….
-Bischoff comes to Benoit and doesn’t know what to do since Shawn signed the contract (uh, draw up a new one, doofus?)
-Christian introduces Trish to Tyson Tonka Truck or something. Tonka has elvish ears. He’s from Middle Earth!
-The H’s is super mad. Benoit isn’t the best – no sir – because he hasn’t defended the title forever (nor did he marry into the right family. “Woman” doesn’t exactly have the big sway backstage, you know. Ask Kevin Sullivan).
-Despite that AMAZING dropkick that encompasses ALL of Maven’s move-set – Tomko wins.
-Giant Kane Head is mad that he has gotten weak lately. He is going back to his monster roots. He’s hungry (I hear Snickers really satisfies!).
-The ref finally calls for the bell because Jericho is in too much pain (although, when a guy cuts himself and bleeds like The Mass Transit Incident, the refs never call it).
-La Res vs. Hurricane/Rosey (Non title, Flag match). Oooo – the winner gets to wave his flag. JBL would be proud. What’s to stop the loser from waving his flag anyway? Would he be fired?
-The promo was going a little long so in the meantime I cleaned the house, walked the dog, cleared the leaves from my gutters, rotated my tires, changed the oil on my wife’s car, bought groceries for the week, mowed the yard, read War and Peace, watched Gods and Generals, Braveheart, The Ten Commandments, The Lord of the Ring Trilogy (extended editions), and all five Star Wars movies. Thankfully, Shawn was just finishing up when I turned back to Spike.
-Kane really just wants a Kane-Baby (read: Hand). Kane admits to poking a hole in his condom to knock her up and all. But JR’s all, “Bro, don’t forget about Matt. Or Garrison Cade. Or Batista. Or Lawler. Or Vince. Or Kevin Dunn. Or two thirds of the production crew. Or Lillian Garcia.” Man, that Lita gets around.
-“Get Roland a Catchphrase” is sponsored by: YJ Stinger. “It STINGS when it goes down your gullet.”
– Lita goes into her dressing room to find Kane getting a whiff of her drawers (I made that up). Lita gets all freaky and whispers, “I thought it was over.” Kane replies, “It is aaaaalllllll oooooovvvvveeeeeerrrrrrr.” I assume they are talking about her aspirations to win an Oscar.
-So, they all wrestle…through the commercial break…and back again. Basically, the match is so long that my wife, Mrs. G, says, “I almost miss Goldberg and Steiner.”
-Flair’s all coked up and wants a match with Benjamin at Backlash. Eric grants it. Then Shelton jumps Flair and some refs have to restrain him. Flair immediately gropes a stewardess.
-See it again! It’s the night of “Moments Ago”.
-The King pimps the Diva Search thing and introduces the first of three hopefuls. Giant Boobs comes out to let us know that she was in Dodge Ball for 2 seconds, she will be in the lingerie Bowl next year, and she can touch her tongue to her nose. The gun is pointed at my head and I am massaging the trigger.
– The most hated man in Canada comes out now (no, not Gordon Lightfoot).
-The hulking Batista DOMINATES the young Adonis (with leather, chains, whips, and a mighty big paddle) early on. But then the upstart turns the tables on the former bouncer and HAS HIS WAY. Finally, it’s back and forth, UP and DOWN, IN and…well you get the point. Trips wants a THREE WAY dance, but the ref QUEERS the deal and sends the champ to the back. Batista is done with all this FOREPLAY and is ready for some REAL ACTION. It’s time for Orton to GO DOWN. But Orton has other ideas as his adrenaline SWELLS. He wants to be ON TOP by the end of this match. However, Batista isn’t above FORCING things to go his way. Back and forth these two warriors go until both are PANTING AND SWEATING. Finally Orton HOOKS HIS ARM BETWEEN BATISTA’S LEGS and rolls him up for the pin. Batista felt it was a PREMATURE CLIMAX to a great match. Who needs a smoke?
-The H’s points out that he has never lost a HITC match. Then he talks bad about Jesus. I can’t believe Triple H would try to bury Jesus! Glass ceiling!!!
-“Roland Gives Inside Info In His Recap” is brought to you in part by: Pizza Rolls – “Because some people are just waaaaay too lazy to make a pizza.”
-Lita grabs the mic from Kane and says she is tired of being scared. She’s all, “You may be my baby-daddy but you ain’t all that!” Then she shakes her head and snaps her fingers and says, “Mmmmmhmmm.” Kane threatens Matt instead and Lita’s all, “Step off Burninator! You ain’t my real baby-daddy! Matt is cause he have the righteous ding-dong!”
-Ross and JR talk but we can’t hear them. The best few minutes of RAW EVER. Let’s see how many recappers make that same joke.
-Val does his tired shtick and some woman removes his towel. But she is so stricken by the man who sounds like he swallowed a gravel pit that she is going to take off her top.
– Gail Kim always looks like she is wrestling with the biggest wedgie. You know that when she gets backstage, she has ten fingers buried deep to get them.
-Lita talks to Matt on her cell (guess Matt got the night off…maybe he used some sick leave or just vacation time. Surely he DIDN’T NOT JUST COME IN FOR WORK!).
-Meanwhile, at the hotel, Regal tells Eugene to just hang out and watch some tube (maybe smoke up a little…) until it’s time for his match.
-Mick Foley talked to some kids in Harlem. After the cameras stopped rolling, he RAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN.
-Matt finds Lita in a room. She breaks the news: the doctor found that the baby has little bursts of flames in it’s DNA as well as a propensity to wear masks when it doesn’t need to. Yes, The Undertaker is going to be an uncle. Paul Bearer (were he not dead with concrete) is going to be a grandpaw. The baby is not Matt’s. Matt throws stuff around and then decides to go join TNA where he can instantly become a #1 contender for Jarrett’s title. Because jobbing out to a guy that jobbed to Chyna is better than having Kane scoop you on making a baby.
-Right now, I would like to personally look into Mr. Tomko’s future for you reading at home. Let me get my crystal ball. Let’s see…I see the letters O.V. and W. I see a pink slip there. I see the words T.N.A. I also see a name. Does Gail Kim mean anything to you?
-King brings out Diva hopeful #2. Medium sized Boobs says she makes her own clothes and is a “Dancer”. And we all know what “Dancer” really means. Let’s just say she carries around a bunch of one-dollar bills. I just ate rat poison.
-Bischoff and Coach prove they are no better than you and me by watching RAW together. Bischoff then quickly logs on to the internet to post about how Jericho is being held down. Coach orders a pizza. Neither of them will have a date for years.
-Kane shows up all smiles from the wicked bachelor’s party that Taker threw him. Katie Vick was there…she danced…
-He keeps screaming, “I hate you!” and I think that he could really be talking about internet fans. As a matter of fact, I could make a case that Eugene is really the embodiment of what wrestlers think an internet fan is.
-He’s going to give Flair anything he wants tonight. Flair thinks about it for a minute and then says, “Wooo! You know what I want? Wooo! More than anything else? Wooo! I just want you to let me retire already! I want to have a little dignity in my old age and not have to be dragged out here so you can get verbally butt-kissed by a legend! Woooooooooooo!” Then, to accentuate the point, he gets on his knees in front of Trips. Batista rolls his eyes and mutters, “I was bestowed that honor five minutes ago.”
-TNG is…what the? “World’s Scariest Police Videos?!?” HAVE I BEEN GONE THAT LONG??? Where is my bald and pompous captain? Where is my child molesting Rykar? My butt-shaped headed Warf? My “I’ve-totally-given-up-since-‘Stand-By-Me’” Wesley? Travesty! TRAVESTY!!!
-King talks to the 3rd wannabe Diva. Smallest Boobs has two puppies (Hawr) and she wants to work for Vince and she is the 2004 Playmate of the Year. I drank a fifth of Drano.
-HBK and Linda are at the Republican convention, getting weird looks. I heard Dick Cheney yell, “CUT THAT HIPPY’S HAIR OFF!!! THIS AIN’T NO PROTEST!!!” HBK ran for his life…and for his hair.
-Coach tries to talk to Lita, but she ain’t having none of it. She goes into the lockerroom and the heel divas have thrown her a surprise wedding shower. Molly gives Lita some contraceptives (since Lita is a whore). Gail gives her some framed photos of her and Kane’s first kiss and of what the baby could look like (SCARY). Jazz busts out the vibrator, because any woman married to The Mack doesn’t need one.
– JR explains the whole contract to us using only one side of his mouth (LOL2004). Lita and Kane sign. Matt, however, only has one more Hooked on Phonics tape to go before he can master sounding out his name to sign it. Muh, Muh, Muh. Ah, Ah, Ah. Tuh, Tuh, Tuh. Muh Ah Tuh. MuhAtTuh. Matt. He did it – what a trooper.
-Edge vs. Jericho (non title). Baby G doesn’t like it when friends fight. Of course, it could be all of the lipstick, 80’s rock band hair in the ring that’s making her cry. Or it could be that The King is sending her secret love messages, as he likes them young.
-Kane goes to see the bride before the ceremony, thereby giving himself bad luck in his forced love wedding. Kane tells Lita he wants an “all white” wedding. So, I suppose that means Rocky, Shelton Benjamin, Tajiri, and Maven will all be out of luck.
-Logo-guy talking backward-Bischoff picture with piped in “boos”-it’s RA…wait a minute. There’s a replay of the Tard vs. Scapegoat match at Taboo Tuesday. Wait a minute…this isn’t just a highlight replay – THEY’RE SHOWING THE WHOLE MATCH!!! For free????!!!??? This can’t be. Does McMahon hate money all of a sudden? Think of the DVD sales! You can’t just GIVE stuff like this away! And here I thought Vince was a Republican. Triple H has RUINED this company! The IWC was right all along.
-We break in and the doctors are running around and shoving Experience-boy out of the way. Inside Lita’s room, Kane screams, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” It seems he sees the baby and it has serious back hair. That’s right – A-Train has been a busy boy!
-Flair pumps up Trips and Batista, but The H’s is mad about Taboo Tuesday. Batista says, “Screw the fans! All the MALE fans! Screw them! Hard!” Uncomfortable glances ensue.
-Lita is interviewed. She says the word “baby” a lot and cries. Seriously, you could make a drinking game out of how many times she says the word “baby.” Snitsky is mentioned and Lita wigs out, pronouncing death on him. A POX ON ALL YOUR HOUSES!
-Here it is…Kane will face Snitsky. Wow. And YOU can decide what kind of weapon they can use in the match – A) a lead pipe; B) a chair; C) A nuclear weapon; D) a dead baby.
– Somewhere, in a quiet hotel room, Charlie Haas screams at his television, “At least I got a hot woman! I’m not a complete failure!” Next to him, Miss (soon to be Mrs.) Jackie smiles silently to herself, remembering the night at the Holiday Inn when she had jungle fever and Booker T was nowhere to be found. It was all about the Benjamin’s that night.
