Jay Mookie Alf RingoJuna Jish
RAW Rage is carried on Salty Ham Wrestling, The Balrog’s Lair, and WOW Revolution. Chumbawumba.
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink
He drinks a cider drink
He sings the songs that
Remind him
Of the good times
He sings the songs that
Remind him
Of the better times:
Oh danny boy
Danny boy
Danny boy…
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You’re never going to
Keep me down
Pissing the night away
Pissing the night away
You know what I like? I like that over on TBL, whenever they post RAW Rage in the main column section, Eddie puts a picture of Batista beside it. He’s going to kill me, you know (Batista, not Eddie. I DON’T FEAR EDDIE!!!). One day on the news board you’ll see that Batista has been arrested for murdering an internet columnist. And Salty Ham probably won’t even break the story. We’ll have to put – Source: PWInsider or something gay like that.
This is late due to the Dallas Cowboys playing on Monday Night Football.
Heh – Chumbuwumba. Who else loves that they put that stupid Tubthumping song on all kinds of kid’s movies when it was popular; never realizing it had the lyric “Pissing the night away?”
Movie Reader’s Theater
People seemed to enjoy this – I think. So, enjoy the thrilling continuation of…
BRAVEHEART
(Adapted from the film by Roland G)
Meanwhile…
Longshanks: Hi. I’m the King of England. This film portrays me as an evil king – frustrated by Scotland and my faggot son.
English Historian: Actually, Longshanks wasn’t an evil king. History tells us that he was beloved by his people and nowhere near as ruthless as this film suggests.
French Princess: Hi. I’m French – why do you think I have this OUTRAGEOUS accent? I’m married to Longshanks’ faggot son. I’m horny and hot. As soon as I can, I’m going to have sex with William Wallace.
English Historian: History tells us that this French princess was actually around the age of 3 years old when Wallace was fighting England. The implication that Wallace and the princess had sex is laughable.
Gay Prince: Hey, ya’ll! I’m the FABULOUS son of King Longshanks! I have a sweet piece of man-meat as my “Chief Military Man” and I wear my sash JUST RIGHT! Now, can ya’ll believe that this little movie has the sheer audacity to suggest that I’m…well, you know…a fairy? That’s crazy, right?
[Silence]
Gay Prince: Well, go ahead, History guy! Tell them the truth!
[More awkward silence]
Meanwhile…
Crazy English Soldier: Aw. You look like my daughter. I want to hump you.
Soon to be Dead Girl: I’ll bash you good!
She does. She runs to William.
William: Even though I love you (always have), I will leave you now and figure you will make it out of this hostile environment alone. Never mind that I could simply ride out of town with you – I’m sure you’ll be just fine.
Soon to be Dead Girl: But…
William: Bye!
William’s love is caught and tied to a stake.
Overly Dramatic English Lord: I shall kill this pretty girl now to make a point! If you’re going to be raped by an old English soldier that is crazy – lie down and take it!
He cuts her throat. Everyone is sad.
After a bit…
William: I’m walking back into town now. And I’m giving myself up. I would appreciate it if nobody would notice the bulging sword I have hidden behind me.
English Guards: Okay.
William deftly kills EVERYBODY. Some other Scottish dudes help out. He corners the Overly Dramatic English Lord.
William: To prove how angry I am, I’m going to put you up against the same stake you put my dead woman on and then NOT SAY A WORD, because actions speak louder than words, and cut your throat. Take THAT!
Overly Dramatic English Lord: Ouch! Oh my! I…I see my life flashing before my eyes. There’s me mum. I love you mummy! And there’s the time my daddy made me wear knickers and all my school chums laughed…
William: Just die already.
He does.
William: I have avenged my woman!
Dead Girl: That doesn’t really help me a whole lot, does it?
Tune in next time for the thrilling continuation of BRAVEHEART in “Movie Reader’s Theater.”
RAW Rage Championship
This is from a couple of weeks ago, but it’s a good entry and why should I allow my laziness to spoil this competition. If you want to be featured in the RRC – email me something regarding RAW or RAW Rage.
Take it away Jeanice:
I don’t know what I’m writing right now, alls I know is that It’s been a long time writing you about wrestling and since I don’t have anything else better to do…[bleep]! It’s the end of the month already! [Bleep]…I have to write Branded soon…but anyway my RAW RAGE is about SH’s endorsement of a new wrestler. Snitsky? Or Simon Dean? Wow. These are both great candidates and this time you’ve made a way better choice than before. Ultimo Dragon? I think you were the only one who were in love with him. Good thing he’s coming back under some other bogus personality right? I’m getting off the subject at hand.
What was I talking about again? Man, I have to lay off the booze and pills. Anyway I think I was talking about the salty ham endorsement. Ummm. I say we go with Simon Dean. He is an [bleep]. And we’ve got a big fat pig representing our site so it’s only natural that the love hate relationship begin. Once we get Dean on the Ham, We’ll still be Salty but at least we’ll be svelte. And hungry. And ready to kill.
So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
What am I talking about Roland?
I’m so tired…hey, let’s never fight again.
Jeanice
Actually, Jeanice, the reason Ultimo Dragon is the Official Wrestler of Salty Ham is due to his lifetime goal of wrestling in Wrestlemania and then slipping and falling down like a retard at WMXX. We here at Salty Ham give that kind of accomplishment in embarrassment a big thumbs up.
And Thumbs Up to you for winning the RRC for the week.
John Madden Looks Like Grimace
Since this is late due to me watching the Cowboys face the Seahawks on MNF – I felt it would be fun for you to know what your old pal Roland was thinking about during the game. Here’s what it sounded like in my head:
Crap.
Okay, that’s okay.
No!
That sideline girl looks fat all bundled up. Where’s Joe Namath to say, “Strugg-EL-Ing” and “I wanna kiss you.”?
Yes.
YYYYEEESSSSS!!!
NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JULIUS JONES IS MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON!!!!
This segment should have been called “Failed Bit” or “Roland Wastes Everyone’s Time.”
RAW Rage #62 – 12/6/04
Don’t forget about the “Mrs. G’s Secret Wrestler Game”. You can play this game ONLY in Salty Ham Forums. Pick the same superstar on the RAW Roster that she does and you can win fabulous prizes. Here is your scale:
1 win – A picture of Roland from 12 years ago (or Roland at 18)
2 wins – A picture of Roland at 19 years old.
3 wins – A picture of Roland at 20, hung over and smoking.
4 wins – A picture of Roland at 28 – shaggy at the computer
5 wins – A recent picture of Roland (complete with new haircut and goatee)
6 wins – A picture of Roland’s High School Wrestling team with Chavo Guerrero Sr as coach.
7 wins – My wife’s picture of the Von Erich’s, autographed.
8 wins – Co Host RAW with me.
9 wins – Recap RAW for me
10 wins – A permanent spot in the RAW Rage Ring of Honor & a copy of the HORRIBLE and never seen first RAW Rage that I used to get the recapping job a The Balrog’s Lair. Believe me, I don’t really want that thing getting out.
So, go play in Salty Ham Forums.
The wife picked Christ Benoit. That didn’t work out for anyone. People – I need more people participating. Do it or I will continue to harp on it until you’re sick of hearing about it.
-The bi-weekly recap of RAW begins.
-The week I’ve been waiting for – JERICHO!!! Fozzy is playing at the entrance and everything. Chris is looking rather dapper and is ready to get this party started by dropping lays on everyone. Batista scoffs backstage as he has been “laid” 23 times since he got to the arena. Jericho rambles and I sit, wishing I could hear “To Kill A Stranger.” I want the Fozzy album. Someone buy it for me. Vince comes out, fresh from a visit with Batista (look at the way he’s walking) to clear up the whole world title thing. By the by – wouldn’t the official ref be able to make the official decision regarding that match? Trips needs some face time too, so he shows up, hair freshly shampooed and blow dried. Kevin Nash is soooo jealous. Trips wrote a book? About fitness??? Here’s a sample:
“And ah – To get that body you really want ah, visit Balco aaaahhhhhh!”
Trips is in a movie too – in case you missed getting beat over the head with it. Vince displays tremendous skills as CEO and passes the buck to Eric Bischoff to rule on the World Title situation (someone might want to sound the Logic Alarm here) – but one thing is for sure – As long as Triple H has a promotional tour to go on – he’s not the champ. Trips flairs his nostrils and half the audience dies.
-I want that ECW DVD. Someone buy it for me.
-Flair and Trips wig out backstage, but Batista is just ready for a smoke and an ice pack. It HAS been a busy night.
-Jericho used the expression, “Great Caesar’s Ghost.” That’s all you really need to get out of this segment. Sure, he humiliated Christian by forcing him to wear an outfit for his match tonight and he made a lame tag match with Benoit – but he said Great Caesar’s Ghost! Genius.
-Remember when Trish humiliated Lita? Good times.
-Eugene (with Regal) vs. Maven. What? You’re just going to GIVE this match away on free TV? But the buyrate! THE BUYRATE!!! Ugh, this company is going the way of WCW and fast. Maven continues his MONSTER heel turn by getting Regal kicked out and choking out Eugene. Snitski better watch out – Maven is teaching a class called “Heel 101” baby!
-Jericho holds a limbo contest with the diva spares. If you like women bending awkwardly and trying to break their backs – this was the segment for you! Christy wins a new back brace and then Jericho sings “Don’t You Wish You Were Me” badly. Greatest. RAW. Ever. Then that Arab goes and ruins what was becoming a highlight in my life by dropping a scud on all of us and announces he’ll be showing up next week. His ears look Vulcan. Live long and prosper, Ahab.
-Remember when Simon Dean beat up Hurricane? Good times.
-Simon Dean comes out and in order to pimp his powder, he has to wrestle. Apparently his money is no good to the WWE anymore. You hear that? Vince hates money! SELL YOUR STOCK! So its Dean vs. Hurricane and Dean wins. How sad is Helms’ career? He can’t even beat a sponsor. Next week, Helms will be jobbing out to YJ Stinger, Stacker 2, and a JVC Boombox! Stay tuned!
-Remember when Trish and those other Divas who got fired humiliated Lita? Good times.
-Orton’s happy. He must have avoided Batista today. The Blonde Devil interupts the interview by going into the ring to suck all of our souls. He rambles on about something or other as my lifeless body slumps in the corner much like a sack of dead puppies. Before my final breath escapes me, I notice Orton and the Blonde Devil argue and girl-slap each other. Curse you Blonde Devil! CURSE YOU! Sergeant Slaughter comes out and separates them with his chin.
-BLADE: TRINITY!!! SEE IT!!! Really, this is a no-win situation for you. If the movie is a hit – Trips gets more movie roles, more money, and you have to see him everywhere. If the movie bombs – he just comes back to the WWE and continues to wield his power with StepHHHanie there. So, it’s up to you which poison you would like to drink.
-Benjamin vs. Captain Charisma. Yes, Christian has to wear an outfit that look ridiculous – but really, it’s not that much different from what Rey Mysterio wears week in and week out. After Benjamin wins, Jericho sings the “Na Na Na Na” song as Christian leaves.
-Over on SmackDown – JBL is still champion. And you wonder why I don’t bother to watch it.
-Remember when Trish humiliated Lita at her wedding? Good times.
-Snitski gives us all a lesson on why he’s the greatest natural heel going today. I (heart) Snitski!
-Remember when Vince told HHH he wasn’t champ anymore earlier in the show? Good times.
-Flair and Trips crank call Bischoff’s answering machine. Prince Albert in a can (or Prince Albert GOT canned). Haw, it never gets old. Bischoff must have been at another strip club having a threesome with a stripper and his wife – and if YOU were him, you wouldn’t answer the phone either.
-Remember when the WWE went to Iraq? Good times. Wait – they are going back again. And this time, their bringing THE SARGE! Falusia is GOING DOWNTOWN TO CHINATOWN!
-`Tista & `Trip vs. `Noit & `Icho. See? I can make up little, funny names for wrestlers. I’m as good a columnist as SamJerry (that joke was for one person only – Jay). Gosh, I’m getting sleepy here. Trips disqualifies himself by using a chair on EVERYONE – including Batista, who cries in Flair’s arms. Sometimes it’s good to be held.
-Lita kisses Trish on the mouth. I can’t make this stuff up, folks!
-Trish vs. Lita (Women’s Title). So, this is the main event, huh? Sorry, I just can’t get into this match since only Molly, Victoria, Lita, and Trish are the only real contenders for the title. All the other girls are eye candy. So, Lita wins and celebrates. I think this makes her 20th time as champ, so it’s special. Nice try, WWE, to make the Women’s title seem important by showcasing it. Too bad it will be back to it’s laughable status next week.
I would have expected more from the Jericho RAW. 4 of 10.
[From This is Spinal Tap]
Marty DiBergi: David St. Hubbins… I must admit I’ve never heard anybody with that name.
David St. Hubbins: It’s an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he’s not a very well known saint.
Marty DiBergi: Oh, there actually is, uh… there was a Saint Hubbins?
David St. Hubbins: That’s right, yes.
Marty DiBergi: What was he the saint of?
David St. Hubbins: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
Gag Me
I kinda swore I wouldn’t bother with this anymore, but I felt it necessary to update everyone on my Quest for Gagnon.
It didn’t work out that well for me.
Just the other day, I was tooling around 411mania and I saw that Gags is back with them – writing a weekly news report. It would make me angry, but who cares? It’s the IWC. People jump on and off ship more than Pat Patterson jumped on Sylvan Griener.
Good luck Gags. Whenever Ashish decides to do you wrong again – feel free to big-time me again by going to Inside Pulse or wrestlespares.com or wemanagesomewherearoundtwohitsaweekwrestling.com (a.k.a 1wrestling.com – did I say that out loud?).
Bitter? Nah.
Will Work For Awkward Stares and Rolled Eyes
Salty Ham is always hiring – but I have two specific positions available in wrestling. I need an overnight Smackdown recaper and an Impact recaper (both must be able to get the recaps to the site within a few hours of the show being over).
Think you got the stuff? Email Me.
Ask Roland
I’m no master when it comes to answers. But still people come to me and ask questions even though I’ve proven on more than one occasion that I’m mentally retarded. So, I continue to answer them. If you want to ask me a question, you need to do so in Salty Ham Forums.
Question: Am I asking too many questions? I have nothing but time on my hands right now.
Roland Answers: Actually, no. This is the very last question I have in there. My advise to you is to ask more questions or this bit will die.
Quoth The Forums: It’s Triple H’s Fault!
You like to talk? You like to talk RASSLIN’? How about other geeky things like Movies, Music, Games, Sports, and Life? Well, I’ve got just the place for you – it’s Salty Ham Forums! You can talk about anything there and I will go in every week and steal someone’s post and make it the “Quote of the Week.” I mean, what else have I got going on in my life?
This week, we have the rare “double quote”. Enjoy:
WT Harmon: Ah, but you see, they are acting like a company who wants to make money because for the price of one Test they can hire three Diva Search Contestants. They traded Billy Gunn in for a faulty Diva and a Tough Enough guy.
Steve W: You’re almost right. I agree with you that they’re trading in guys they consider dead weight for cheaper workers, but you have to remember that the cheaper people they’re getting aren’t workers and that nobody cares about them. We didn’t care about the diva search while it was going on, why am I going to care now? I’d rather have 1 Test eating up 5 minutes of my time each week than 3 useless sacks of crap off the street eating up 15. Besides, I always kind of liked Test, he had lots of potential and had he been allowed to do what he was capable of doing I think he could have been a lot bigger than he was.
Link-O-Rama
The whole Braveheart bit has wore me out. Here’s this weeks links:
I always enjoy a little Thankless Theater.
White Chocolate recaps RAW way better than I do. See for yourself.
To waste some time, My picture may or may not be on this website – but there’s only one way to find out.
Tubthumping.
Roland
Visit Salty Ham!
Email Me to become RAW Rage Champion!
