Jay Mookie Alf RingoJuna Jish
RAW Rage is carried on Salty Ham Wrestling, The Balrog’s Lair, and WOW Revolution. Give Thanks for a new RAW Rage
You’d better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You’ll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
In the policy the truth
So, where were we?
I know, I know – it’s another lame excuse for why I missed a week. Let’s just skip that, okay? If it makes you feel any better – I’m adding a BRAND SPANKING NEW segment this week. For you. Cause I love.
Surviving A Series
Survivor Series was…a couple weeks ago and we had a roundtable…a couple weeks ago.
As everyone knows, we keep a running tally of how we all do for the year to see just who the very best predictor is. And we’re coming down to the last month of the year now – so who did well? Who might take the title for the year? Let’s find out, shall we?
#1. Roland G: (54-30-1) BACK ON TOP BABY!!! I went 5-2 for the show.
#2. Ringo Juna: (53-31-1) Ringo is a very close…I can feel him breathing down my neck. My boy went 4-3 for the show/
#3. Jish: (52-32-1) Big Jish was 5-2 for Sur Ser and pulled himself back into the race for the final push.
#4. Jay: (49-35-1) Can you believe Jay? Once DEAD LAST and now he’s not completely out of taking this thing (or getting real close) by going 3-4 at the show.
#5. Steve W: (48-29-2) Poor Steve. Once up top – now all but mathematically eliminated. He was a dismal 2-5 for the show.
#6. The Monthly Reader: (48-36-1) We cheated and got White Chocolate for the reader last month. He was great at 5-2. YOU can be the next monthly reader to pick with us by making yourself known over in The Salty Ham Forums. Do it.
#7. Jeanice: (35-19) Had Jeanice picked with us all year, I suspect she could have killed all of us. She was 3-4 for the show.
#8 Paul C: (35-25-1) No showed.
#9. WT Harmon: (10-9) WT will be a force to be dealt with next year. He was 5-2 for Sur Ser.
#10. CURRENT Big Thing: (3-4) He debuted. He was 3-4. Welcome Thang.
Nobody reads this stuff but the staff. Moving along…
The RAW Rage Championship
I almost trashed this bit a few weeks ago, but then I got two STRONG entries a few weeks ago, so it lives on. You can be the next RAW Rage Champion by emailing me something about RAW or RAW Rage. It was a tough choice (not really) this week as Steve W pimp slapped Alf with this, entitled “Heel Turn.” Enjoy:
So I suppose you think you’re funny. I suppose you think that taking shots at me in your little internet column is highly amusing. Well…you’d be right. That was funny. But as funny as it was, let’s not forget about all of my contributions, contributions that I’m sure that most of the people who read this site have no idea that I make. Oh yeah, you can sit there behind your little desk with a stupid looking smug smile on your face acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about, but let’s be honest. Without me, Salty Ham would be a shell of what it is today. Without me, entire sections would go without daily news updates. Without me, there would be one less person in the forums. Without me, the roundtables wouldn’t be nearly as hotly contested as they are. Without me, somebody else would have to run the music section, [which is ready to expand and is looking for help, but more on that in the coming days.] Without me, you would have to find somebody with less of a sense of humour to take your high and mighty frustrated web guy aggression out on for not writing. But tell the people the truth. I’m your all purpose hand. When things need updating and you’re going out of town, it’s Steve who picks up the slack, but the people wouldn’t know that because the majority of my almost 800 posts to the site go up without any credit. It’s all a big conspiracy, don’t kid yourself. Check your little admin panel and tell me who has the second highest post count on this entire website. That’s right, you’re looking at him, or at least looking at stuff that he wrote. And don’t get me started on stuff that I’ve written, because I’d hate to have to remind these people that you got out-recapped by a blind guy. Don’t make me bring that up, I really don’t want to have to humiliate you that way. Just remember that I’ve done your job once, and I’ve done Jish’s job 3 times, and twice I even did it well.
And if all of you people out there still don’t believe that Roland is out to get me, consider this. Every time we have one of these Raw Rage Ring Of Honour things, I’ve been eligible. Every time. But am I in the hall of fame? No. And the reason why I’m not in the hall of fame is because the guy we’ve got counting the votes is the e-voting machine of the internet, Roland G. And if you’ve ever wondered what the G stands for, it stands for “Gee, I *accidentally*deleted the flood of emails voting for Steve.” But it’s no accident is it? This time I broke with tradition and voted for myself and I still didn’t win, even though my entry was far superior to anything that anybody else could have thought about dreaming about fantasizing about being able to come up with. It’s ridiculous. This whole website is against me and this contest is a sham of a debacle of a fiasco.
But because I’m all about taking the high road, here are a few random Raw thoughts.
Snitsky is walking greatness. He’s one of the best natural heels I’ve ever seen. He’s got the best awful promos this side of the really new guys on the independent circuit and they just add to his charm. But having said that, I’m torn. He was my favourite character up until a couple of weeks ago when Simon Dean showed up. Those segments are simply awesome. I just hope that this gimmick actually goes somewhere once he gets in the ring, and by going somewhere I don’t mean to heat or TNA.
I really enjoyed the Orton vs. Batista match and Benoit Edge was good until the predictable ending but they had to do that because it’s PPV time so I won’t complain about that.
Is it just me, or are all of the official theme songs for the PPV’s these days pretty much interchangeable? Seriously, most of them sound exactly the friggin same when you’re not paying attention. And if you listen to this one, it kind of reminds me of that Saliva song Always that they used a while back. Just listen to it sometime, but listen to it without paying a lot of attention, just some.
And who in the hell does WWE think is going to buy a juice box? Maybe we should start up some sort of contest here on Salty Ham and give one away. But then again, that would mean that somebody would have to work really hard on something only to find out that the prize is an f-ing juice box.
That’s all you’re getting from me this week. I mean why should I put in all of this effort when I’m not going to win the RRC anyway because the man in charge has it in for me? That’s right, I’m being held down by the man.
Love,
Steve
My favorite part of all this is him signing off “Love, Steve.” Priceless.
Email Me to become RAW Rage Champion!
Movie Reader’s Theater
New bit. Let me know what you think:
BRAVEHEART
(Adapted from the film by Roland G)
Daddy Wallace: I sure hate that Longshanks guy.
Scottish Dudes: YEAH!
Daddy Wallace: But, even though he is evil, I will take my oldest son with me to some abandoned hut in the middle of nowhere. Surely no evil will come to us.
William: I wanna come.
Daddy Wallace: Nah. You’re older brother is ugly. You look like a pretty girl with that long hair. Even though there’s absolutely no way Longshanks will kill us in the abandoned hut, I’d rather you stay here. Or follow close behind where I will pretend I don’t see you so you. Then you can bump into all the dead bodies hanging from the ceiling.
He does. Scots are dead. William screams. Daddy goes to war. Daddy dies.
William: (At funeral) I will not cry. I will not cry.
Mysterious Little Girl: I picked this fuzzy weed. Here take it. Although I’m not really sure how it will help your grief.
William: (Tears flowing) Crap.
Weird looking guy with a freaky eyeball shows up.
Uncle Wallace: Even though I have absolutely no proof and could very well be a pedophile, I’m your uncle William, and you’re coming with me.
William: Sounds good.
Years pass. William shows back up in his home town.
Scottish People: It’s a wedding. Yay. Pass the haggis.
William: (to himself) Look! Even though she bears ABSOLUTELY no resembalance to that little girl who gave me that weed all those years ago…it’s her. And man, is she HOT. Not like the two freaks getting married today. I’ll just go up and…
Hamish: Let’s throw rocks at each other.
William: Sounds logical.
They do. William wins with a pebble.
English Soldiers: Cheerio! We’d like to have sex with the bride.
Ugly Husband: I’ll kill all of you!
Ugly Wife: (Starts moving in slow motion, transfixing everyone with her abnormally large nose) Shh. Why do you think I bothered marrying you in the first place, scarface? I just wanted one night getting gang raped by some fine English hunks.
Wedding ends. William steals his love off on a date.
William: Would you like the weed you gave me at me da’s funeral? I pressed it in this book. It’s a little flat, but I kept it this long. This was all before that freaky guy with the eyeball took me and showed me the way of the sword. Impressed?
Girl To Die Soon: Yep.
William: Let’s get married then.
Girl To Die Soon: Whatever floats your boat. I’ll be dead soon anyway.
They do but are all coy about it.
Tune in next week (maybe) for the THRILLING continuation of Braveheart in Movie Reader’s Theater!
RAW Rage #61 (11/22/04)
GO AND PLAY THE “Mrs. G’s Secret Wrestler Game”. You can play this game ONLY in Salty Ham Forums. Pick the same superstar on the RAW Roster that she does and you can win fabulous prizes. Here’s what you can win:
1 win – A picture of Roland from 12 years ago (or Roland at 18)
2 wins – A picture of Roland at 19 years old.
3 wins – A picture of Roland at 20, hung over and smoking.
4 wins – A picture of Roland at 28 – shaggy at the computer
5 wins – A recent picture of Roland (complete with new haircut and goatee)
6 wins – A picture of Roland’s High School Wrestling team with Chavo Guerrero Sr as coach.
7 wins – My wife’s picture of the Von Erich’s, autographed.
8 wins – Co Host RAW with me.
9 wins – Recap RAW for me
10 wins – A permanent spot in the RAW Rage Ring of Honor & a copy of the HORRIBLE and never seen first RAW Rage that I used to get the recapping job a The Balrog’s Lair. Believe me, I don’t really want that thing getting out.
So, go play in Salty Ham Forums. I’d hate to have to kill this bit. It’s fun for me.
The wife chose The Hurricane this week. Everyone loses.
-Shelton Benjamin and Trish mock the whole Monday Night Football controversy, with Trish being the Desparate Housewife and Shelton being the black guy. The best part is Vince, who plays this thing up to the point that I was laughing out loud. Greatest. Segment. Ever. This, Snitski, Simon Dean – WRESTLING IS BACK, BABY!!!
-So, I guess it’s Benoit’s turn to run the show. Great. A night full of bad promos and being constantly reminded that he’s FOR REAL. As an added bonus, Benoit personally guarantees to steal another wrestler’s wife – so we have that to look forward to. What do these women see in Benoit, anyway? I say it’s the gap tooth. Women shudder at the possibilities. My guess is next week Jericho will have his GM week – and that means that you’ll be getting 2 RAW Rages in a row. Don’t pee yourself from the excitement – that only means I will likely put little effort into either this week or next. Anyway, Benoit’s promo ends and it was…well…a Benoit promo.
-The Single Greatest Heel Wrestler Working Today vs. Maven. Is this guy Snitski genius or what? He’s now working on the gimmick of “Bloody Eye Scream Man”. Genius. By the way, what kind of indictment is it on Kane that Snitski was able to do in three weeks what Kane couldn’t do in over a year in terms of heel heat and the monster character? Amazing. It just goes to show the writers that genuine charisma is what makes a character – not how badly they force it down our throats. Anyway, Maven lost. Because he’s Maven.
-Triple H is mad – but his hair looks luxurious. Batista exclaims, “I’VE GOT YOUR BACK!” and the slowly positions himself behind Trips to show that he meant it literally rather than figuratively. Trippers then gives Dave quite a tongue lashing…and you don’t hear Dave complaining one bit. They make this way too easy for me.
-Stacy kills some fans with her T-shirt bazooka and Sgt. Slaughter hits the deck, screaming, “IT’S NAM ALL OVER AGAIN! NOTHING WILL SAVE US BUT MY CHIN!!!” After one fan gets hit by a shirt, Kevin Costner shows up and replays the film over and over again, depicting how the fan’s head went “back and to the left.” And that’s how we celebrate “JFK Shooting Day” here in Dallas. Anyway, Simon Dean comes out to bless this show with his greatness. Now, everyone knows that Salty Ham’s official endorsed wrestler is Ultimo Dragon – but I think we are looking to add either Gene Snitski or Simon Dean. Uh oh. The Hurricane is here to put Simon Dean in his place. Hang on here a second. Vince would never allow someone as useless as Hurricane to intimidate a sponsor, would he? I believe we need a logic check from the writers. The storyline is that Dean is a SPONSOR – meaning he pays money to advertise on the show. Why then would Hurricane be allowed to try and fight this sponsor? Heck, it’s well known Flair was nearly fired for his virgin comments when sponsors were watching. Is this way too much thought for a filler segment? Yes. Yes it is. And anyway, my wife could beat up Helms.
-Two girls I’ve never seen before talk about Batista. Yet, no matter how hot they may be or titilated at the thought of him being near – Dave pays them absolutely no mind. He did, however, find their shoes FABULOUS.
-Y2J vs. Batista. Methinks Dave has a crush on Jericho…probably due to the whole “Rock Star” thing. And the hair. And the tight butt. A sign reads “Batista Eats Kittens.” Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Frankly put – Batista ain’t eating anything of the feline variety. Maybe wiener dogs…
Pray I never meet Batista.
-Here are some phrases I caught from the Evolution segment that followed:
Batista is not in the mood.
He blew it.
He has a million dollar body.
Screw you.
Are they writing this show just for me?
-Edge gives a promo on how he…uh oh – what’s that sound? Yep – its the sound of me powering down. It’s the sound of my body slumping over as all my lifeforce escapes me. It’s the sound of my soul being sucked from my body. Thank you Edge.
-Heh. Triple H looks like Cro-Magnum man on that Raw vs. SmackDown video game. Stupid programmers. He’s supposed to look like a FRENCH Cro-Magnum man.
-You know that whole “Coach vs. JR – THE BRAWL FOR ALL” match? Yeah, well, that’s not gonna happen because Benoit is retarded and thought “JR” stood for “Just Rhyno.” Just Rhyno? Give my poor brain a break. It would have been funnier if they had sent out Judge Rhienhold or maybe thrown Larry Haggman out there as he was the original “JR” – but JUST RHYNO? Stupid.
–Lita vs. Molly vs. Trish for the Women’s Title. Sigh. I just don’t care. I haven’t been the same since that Edge promo. Curse you Edge! Curse you Blonde Devil! Trish won.
-Flair tries to calm down Batista by calling him a “Big Man.” Just who hasn’t Batista invaded lately? It seems Batista is tired of being a “Bottom” guy in Evolution.
-Shelton Benjamin was poor. So, you need to love him more. Plus, he was hard, yo. Gansta hard. Ron Artest hard. Fear him. And love him.
Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m still taking Booker T in a fight. There’s a difference between being “hard” from falling asleep to gunshots and taking a pistol to school and never using it to doing time in the pokey. Don’t get me wrong – they both would beat me until I died from death – but Booker has a KNIFE WOUND for crying out loud.
-Benjamin (HARD), Tard, & Regal vs. Christian & La Res. I realize now that I will never enjoy another Christian theme song as the Opera one spoiled me. The curse of the Blonde Devil continues as I am still lifeless for this match. The faces win. Some kids scramble to the ring to be molested by Eugene.
-More promos from the Arab guys. I think Kaziro or whatever served me some McDonalds today.
-Over on SmackDown – Carlito looks like Justin Guarini (or however it’s spelled). Only shorter, pudgier, and with more talent.
-I love it when the cage comes down. I have no idea why. As this one comes down, we see that The Undertaker has hung The Big Bossman from it again. CRUEL UNDERTAKER – LET THE MAN REST IN PEACE!
-Benoit vs. Trippers (Cage Title Match) – only backstage, Batista fianlly went from pervert to predator by raping Trips and leaving him out cold (by the way, if you can’t see the fakery in all this – you should never watch wrestling again). Trips can’t go tonight, so Benoit picks a fight with the Blonde Devil. Whatever bit of my soul I had recovered is gone now.
-Benoit vs. Edge (Cage Match) – CURSE YOU BLONDE DEVIL!!! He spears Benoit out of the cage. Ha ha. Serves you right, yellow soul sucker.
-Dave & Flair show us all how the graduated from the Lita school of acting.
-Batista calls out Trips and it’s nose to trunk for a moment until the SWERVE is revealed. Then Orton comes out, saying he’s GM next week (crap) and more words are said and then a battle royal is announced. Well, that’s good. I like battle royals.
I give this bad boy a 6 out of 10. It could have been higher – but the Blonde Devil ruined it for everyone.
[From the very real Vacation]
Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.
Ellen Griswold: Clark…
Clark: Honey, I’m not an ordained minister; I’m doing my best.
Ask Roland
I’m no master when it comes to answers. But still people come to me and ask questions even though I’ve proven on more than one occasion that I’m mentally retarded. So, I continue to answer them. If you want to ask me a question, you need to do so in Salty Ham Forums.
I think I’m out of questions after this one, so get to asking.
Question: What’s the deal with people who keep online journals but don’t want anybody to read them because they’re only meant for either a select few people or they want them to be private because if the wrong people see them it could cause trouble? If what you have to say is really that secret, wouldn’t it make more sense to either keep a diary offline or better still, keep your [bleeping] mouth shut? You seem like a reasonable man with a good head on his shoulders, one who seems to have a handle on people to an extent so I thought you would be the perfect person to answer this one. I really hope you can, it’s been eating at me forever.
Roland Answers: Geez, seems like you’ve got some personal issues. However, I agree with you. It seems rather on the short bus side for someone to put a journal online that they didn’t want someone to read. I mean, they have a computer and all. Is Microsoft Word not available anymore? And if you only want some people to read your thoughts, you can either send an email or write for Salty Ham. Thanks for the question.
Put That In Your Pipe and QUOTE It!
You like to talk? You like to talk RASSLIN’? How about other geeky things like Movies, Music, Games, Sports, and Life? Well, I’ve got just the place for you – it’s Salty Ham Forums! You can talk about anything there and I will go in every week and steal someone’s post and make it the “Quote of the Week.” I mean, what else have I got going on in my life?
Here’s this week’s quote.
I agree that Alien vs. Predator was terrible, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as Envy or White Chicks – which may be the two worst movies I’ve ever seen (and that covers a lot of ground). And as much crap as Garfield gets for being bad (which it was) it was like The Godfather compared to Agent Cody Banks 2.
Quick Links
Done reading me? Well, if you don’t plan on reading this masterpiece again – here are some other things for you to do:
The CURRENT Big Thing has a fun little column lately where he rehashes wrestling history. And he puts little trivia bits in there too. I like it. Check out CURRENT History. You’ll like it too.
And since nobody but RingoJuna actually clicks on my Time Wasting Websites – Ringo, enjoy this little kids show from England in the `70’s and check out what they get away with. Funny stuff. Watch it here.
Gobble Gobble.
Roland
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Email Me to become RAW Rage Champion!
