Scroll down to the bold letters to get straight to the recap.
Hey guys, I’m back. Finally…and I’ve got something to say to you if you care to listen. But that can wait until a little later. Let’s do The Last Resort. This week’s question is from that Fever writing cross dressing conservativeJish. (I like to call him “Jishy” though. Here’s J’s letter:
I have this strange habit (You might even say “obsession” of putting things in my mouth and chewing on them. My mom thinks it’s because she never breast-fed me as a child, but I’m not sure. Will this cause me to become a social outcast? Should I seek help?
Jish
Dear Jish,
You might not believe this but I have the SAME problem! But hey, it hasn’t held me back, in fact an oral fixation can get you places…quick. So far be it from me to tell a healthy young fella to stop putting things in his mouth. Hey, it just might save your marriage one day. The only thing you might have a problem with is with the chewing. Know when to chew and when to not chew and things will be okay.
For those of you who don’t know or have been comatose for the last few weeks, I’ve launched a contest in my column. Contestants respond to certain situations, either a hypothetical advice question or a “storyline” set up. The finalists keep duking it out, with one person eliminated a week until there is but one winner who receives a piece of TNA or WWE merchandise. I just copied and pasted that whole paragraph from the last W&B. But hey, it’s not a crime is it? Well we are going to end the contest right here, and right now and have a definite winner be made. History in the making folks. Can you feel it?
In the last W&B Flagg asked a “The Last Resort” question. Jish takes my place as the advice hag when he answers this question:
a) How would you answer Flagg’s question if you were me? Answer it. (Yes, I’m lazy.)
I was reading your wrestling column (bored at work) and you like it when people ask you shit so-
Does it effect my “cool” status to say that I’m intrigued by you in some weird, over-the-Internet-so-I-probably-think-you-much-hotter-than-you-actually-are kind of way? Actually, it just turns me on when women cuss. Post a picture of yourself somewhere.
(continuing the grand tradition of sexual harassment in the Internet workplace)
Flagg
Does it affect your “cool” status? I wasn’t aware that Generic Businessman who carry on gay relationships with security guards had a “cool” status to begin with. What are you afraid of – that people won’t like you anymore? Well NEWSFLASH Flagg – THE WORLD ALREADY HATES YOU! And from reading “The Scam”, it sounds like the feeling is entirely mutual. But alas, I’ve gone off the subject…
There’s no way you could possibly have a mental image of me that’s hotter than I actually am, for the simple reason that I am the hottest piece of man-flesh in existence. 180 pounds of pure animal lovin’ can be yours Flagg, and baby, IT’S YOURS FOR THE TAKING! WOOOOOO!
You want to see a picture of me? Well, you show me yours and I’ll show you mine. Exaggerated Wink
Jish
Okay, How EFFIN’ Funny was that? I had the guys pick what they wanted ahead of time so they knew what they’d be competing for. These were Jish’s picks:
Either thissweatshirt – or this RKO T-Shirt
Our next finalist is RingoJuna. But even though he had like two years to do his entry he didn’t. Quitters never win Ringo. Is that why you’ll always be a loser?
ZING!
I’m playing Ringo. But seriously he gets nothing.
So that brings us on to our last contestant, our newest writer at Salty Ham, The Current Big Thing! He opted for an advice question:
b) Hypothetical Question (I made it up. Yep.)—My mom needs fifty thousand dollars for a life saving surgery and I’m poor and have bad credit. I’m on a reality/game show and I have the choices of sleeping with Torrie Wilson for one night, marrying Trish Stratus for 15,000, sleeping with Mae Young for 25,000 or doing a three some with Moolah and Mae for 50,000 large. Obviously you can see my problem…Torrie’s freaking HOT! And under ordinary circumstances I’d NEVER get the chance to hit that. But there’s no payoff at all. On the other hand I’ve been dreaming of Trish since puberty. I even bought that WWE album just to hear her song (sighs lovingly). That’s how I know I love her! She sucks but I still put her song on repeat thirty times in a row. But dude, marriage? Come on! I’m still young. And its only gonna get me 15 grand, and since I’d be married, it wouldn’t technically be all mine you know what I mean? But then there’s sleeping with Mae Young. I get half of what I need to save Mom, but at least it doesn’t mean I have to face the double threat of two old saggy biddies possibly “pleasing each other” in front of me (or having to please them. Yecch) even though it’s EXACTLY the amount of money I need. What do I do? If mom dies then no one will drive me to my job at Taco Bell? I mean dude, what if it were YOUR mom!
–Young pimply faced kid barely reaching adulthood.
The answer is obvious “Young Pimply Kid:” You swallow a pill of Xanax and get Moolah’s & Mae’s asses down to your crib for a late-night porkfest. Why even think about it? Those old ladies can teach you a thing or two, guaranteed. I actually wouldn’t mind paying to be in that predicament. For 50 big ones, you have a chance to not only bang the hell out of one lady, but you have the privilege to bang the hell out of two of ‘em. Hell, I’ll do it twice if I could. Call a couple of friends up, tell them to join. Make it a straight up Southern style gangbang. I’m sure Mae and Moolah wouldn’t mind. Forget Torrie, she’s already bangin’ the hell out of that pussy Kidman. Why marry Trish? One night of ecstasy is good enough. And my friend, I assure you that those two overused ladies can provide you with one hell of a night of ecstasy. They’re perfect for you! Think about it: you could lick a titty while eating her out all at the same time. The ass is so saggy, you could lay on it while she’s on top of you. Comfortable stuff. I have to admit, getting it on with Moolah is like getting into unchartered waters – you don’t know what you’re gonna get. With Mae, however, you know she knows how to work it. We’ve all seen that. Don’t think of them as old. Think of them as experienced. You’re helping out your mother!
With that kind of gross reasoning, its hard to tell him he’s wrong. I mean damn, I half wanna bang Mae and Moolah myself! Oh wait, that “half” of me is wrong and dirty and the doctors gave me medicine to control it.
Though Jish’s entry was really witty and hilarious, TCBT came through in total gross over the top crassness, WWE style, and that makes him the winner!
So this is what he wins…Ooops. He had sent me what he wanted but I deleted it. He’ll just have to send it to me again. I’ll post it as a comment at the Ham and in the forums once he gets back to me.
Okay let’s move on to what I need to talk to you guys about. This is my last edition of The White & Blue for a long time. How long? Well I’m shooting to come back maybe this summer. Why? There are a number of reasons:
1)I’m tired. Literally I’m falling asleep writing because I do so much crap during the day. Going to school and working full time is no picnic. And although I love writing, its getting hard because I have so much writing that I have to do and my non wrestling novel and fiction writing that I need to do. Oh yeah. I’m a writer. I don’t know if you knew that or not.
2)The quality of my writing has declined in The White & Blue. I know that this is because I’m tired and I could keep on churning out half assed W&B’s but I just don’t want to do that. I want to give it my all like I did when I first started writing. You might notice that this edition is crappy too.
3)I don’t feel appreciated. The only thing us internet writers can get paid in is with feedback. I get none of that. And at the place I consider my “home” site, Salty Ham, I don’t feel that I’m getting a lot of credit where its due. In fact I don’t feel like I’m as respected as the other writers or at least shown as much respect but hey, that’s a different issue and I’m not about to beat you over the head with it.
4)I’m tired. But I think I’ve already said that.
Like I said, my target time for coming back would be this summer, but just in case I don’t come back, I just want all of you readers, all four of ya to know that I really appreciated your comments and participation in making The White & Blue a decent ready. I hope to be back soon. However, if you’re just jonesing for my writing in general, you can catch Brandedevery month. I’ll still be doing that.
This Week on SmackDown!
8:00
Were’ in Corpus Christi, TX and the Tough Enough finalists are in the ring with Al Snow. Snow gives Nowalski a chance to quit so he can save himself humiliation if he gets eliminated. Angle broke his rib last week. Nowalski doesn’t quit but Nick Mitchell gets cut. He’s wearing jeans that have the pockets cut out so his ass cheeks are showing. Gay and gross. He has “Big Time” written on his ass. Among the other interesting costume choices is a guy dressed with a Santa hat and candy stuffed down his skivvies and Dan Puder who’s in a white tuxedo and has a bouquet of cheap flowers.
Torrie Wilson comes out to do her “Sex Test”. A Diva will make out with each contestant for fifteen seconds and after she gets to pick the guy who she think would make the best lover. Torrie asks Nowalski if he can handle this with a broken rib, taunting him. In an embarrassing moment that doesn’t seem scripted, she tries to wrestle the mic from him as he sings about how he loathes her and how she is less hot than Dawn Marie. After she gets the mic back Dawn Marie comes out, but she’s not the Diva they are going to be making out with. It’s Mae Young! She comes out in a negligee and she’s accompanied by Moolah. All the guys freak out. Tazz says she looks “supple” tonight. After Mae humps everyone and knocks them all down to the mat to mount them, she picks Puder as the winner. You gotta keep in mind that no one actually seemed to kiss her. They were all just humping her and wrestling with her and stuff. Mae actually tried to choke one of the guys out after she knocked him to the ground. What a tough old lady. As Puder prize he gets a lap dance…from Mae. She humps him some more.
8:17
Commercials.
8:21
Rey goes backstage to get Chavo for their match and hears him talking to someone behind the closed door of his dressing room as he says that he’s not changing his mind. When Chavo comes out Rey asks him about it and Chavo says its just some old friend or something.
Spike is in the ring waiting to fight I guess and Billy Kidman, his partner comes out. In a decent match of the cruisers, Rey wins for he and Chavo after a 619 and a “Christ” like drop off of the top rope into a cover.
8:29
OJ says he wants to talk to Josh but he winds up smacking him around and telling Josh that he know he likes that. Then he walks away.
8:30
Commercials.
8:34
Booker has Josh with him as he’s complaining to Long abut how its not right what Jordan did to him. All of a sudden Josh is bleeding profusely from his nose when in the last segment he was squeaky clean. Let’s not even talk about the fact that he didn’t even seem to get hit and his nose alright? It seems like Booker has pushed Josh into asking for a one on one with OJ. Booker says since JBL is going to be in OJ’s corner than he’s going to be in Josh’s corner. Long OK’s the match. Tazz and Cole reminds us that Josh was once a Tough Enough contestant.
8:35
Big Show and RVD are stretching in the locker room. They are pumping each other up for Survivor Series in their match against Angle’s team. They are trying to get Rey into the spirit of things but he looks worried. RVD tells him to relax as he hands him a joint. Eddie says he’s off the stuff and smacks the joint out of RVD’s hand. He says wrestling is his anti-drug Viva La Raza! No. That didn’t happen actually, I mean the part with the joint but it appears that Eddie is worried about who’s going to be the fourth member in his team. He says he’s been waiting on a phone call but he hasn’t gotten it yet. RVD says take a chill pill the guy will call.
8:37
Raw Rebound.
8:39
The OJ and Josh match is next. Josh comes out with sweats and his nose is still bloody. He does a good job at acting like a scared beeyotch. OJ tosses him around and patronizes him in the ring with pats on the head at every attempt Josh makes to fight. But Josh has an ace up his sleeve. He’s faster than OJ. Just when bony ass Josh is gaining some leeway JBL interferes and trips him from the apron. However with a little help from Booker Josh manages to pin and win.
8:51
Commercials.
8:56
Eddie and RVD come out in a low rider. They are fighting Reigns and Jindrak but Carlito and Jesus come out to sit ringside.
9:01
Commercials.
9:05
Carlito winds up spitting apple on Cole. Tazz laughs. I just don’t think its funny. Carlito and Jesus interfere in the match but get ejected by the ref. RVD winds up winning for his tag team after he and Eddie do double five star frog splashes.
9:13
Eddie does a promo saying addressing Carlito and Jesus who never really left after the ejection. Eddie drops a bomb. The fourth member of his team called him back and said they were down. That member is: John Cena! The crowd roars and Carlito looks like he’s seen a ghost.
9:15
Commercials
9:19
Long is reading a magazine. Carlito comes in complaining about Cena being on Eddie’s team. Long basically says that Carlito has no right to complain since he or more directly his pal Jesus has something to do with John’s stabbing. Long says Carlito needs to “face up to the truth” and just be a man. Then he says, “Now that’s cool dog. Holla.” They better not EVER fire Teddy.
9:21
Tough Enough finalists get more airtime as the Sex Test footage recapped. Al tells us to vote.
9:25
Tazz interviews JBL who says that if he loses his belt to Booker T that he won’t come back to SD and he’ll just be a financial analyst or Orlando’s human butt plug. Whichever pays more. I like one quote he gives when talking about all of the crap he’s been through over the last six months: “Booker T I smell like smoke because I’ve been through the fire!” He’s still retained the belt is his point. Love or hate JBL, he did a good job with his title reign is my opinion.
9:29
Commercials.
9:34
Recap of Heidi just plain going off on the audience that time when they didn’t like his poetry. Paul starts arguing with Cole…I don’t know why because Cole is just describing what’s going on with Heidenrech. He pushes Cole and Cole bumps into Tazz. Tazz gets pissed, stands up and takes off his headset. Paul runs to the ring. But Heidenrech comes out. Cole tells Tazz, “Just sit down and calm down it’s not worth it…” but when it looks like Tazz is going to sit down and listen, he actually pulls off his jacket, rolls up his sleeves and heads to the ring. Cole is yelling at him not to go up there to face Heidenrech but when Tazz goes to the ring the lights go out.
GONG!
9:38
You know what’s up. Undertaker is suddenly in the middle of the ring. No fighting though, Paul just pulls Heidenrech away and out of the ring.
9:45
Big Show Vs. Kurt Angle is next. Angle has his whole team out and he does a promo. RVD and Eddie come out though to help even things out.
9:49
Commercials.
9:55
What started out as a two-man challenge became a melee with everyone fighting everywhere. The ref called a DQ in favor of Big Show and then Carlito attacked the faces with Cena’s lock and chain. Angle, Reigns and Jindrak joined forces to put Big Show in a painful submission hold. Afterwards he was helped to the back.
What a crazy mixed up SD. I laughed, I cried, I laughed some more. And then on the inside…I died a little. Whatever. See you in the funny pages.
