Jay Mookie Alf RingoJuna Jish
RAW Rage is carried on Salty Ham Wrestling, The Balrog’s Lair, and WOW Revolution. Does anyone read this anymore?
My name is Prince the one and only
I did not come 2 funk around
‘Tll I get your daughter I won’t leave this town
In the beginning God made the sea
But on the 7th day he made me
He was tryin’ to rest y’all when He heard the sound
Sound like a guitar cold gettin’ down
I tried to bust a high note, but I bust a string
My God was worried ’til he heard me sing
My name is Prince and I am funky
My name is Prince the one and only – hurt me
When do I write RAW Rage?
Whenever I feel like it.
You just keep sitting there like little baby eaglets with your mouths open waiting for momma to feed you.
Recap That!
While I was out last week, I did happen to post a recap from White Chocolate for all of you to vote on. And while I meant to post it on TBL and WOW (how’s THAT for lazy?), he still won in a landslide. So, you now have a new overnight recapper on Salty Ham (at least) for RAW by the unfortunate name of White Chocolate.
That’s right – now you don’t have to whine and complain that we don’t have an overnight recap going. No more moaning about how the RAW recap that I used to do was overly simple and didn’t tell you each and every twist of the wrestler’s bodies (fags). No more crying about how you had to scroll through endless amounts of crap to get to a recap that was retarded. NO MORE OF YOU WANTING ME TO BE SCOTT KEITH!!!
By the way, this White Chocolate guy is probably going to be a star. And when he is – don’t forget who discovered him.
Roland G – The man who discovered Jeanice (now on like 2000 websites or whatever).
Roland G – The man who found Flagg (the crankiest man on the internet).
Roland G – The man who gave the CURRENT Big Thing a job.
Roland G – The man that discovered Bevin (movie mistress).
Roland G – The man who posted a picture of Jish in drag.
Roland G – The man who continues to employ Steve W even though he hasn’t written a column in months.
Roland G – The man who was smart enough to snag WT Harmon before he went to a better website.
Never forget how great I am.
Never.
Gag Me
No update. Gags never wrote back and I’m tired of bugging him. The bit ends here unless he decides to write me or something. It was fun while it lasted.
I still love Gags though. If you see he’s posted a new column at that other site – read it. Dude’s one of my favorites.
Maybe I’ll start bugging Hyatte…
RAW Rage Championship/Ring of Honor
Well, as you can see above – Jish won the vote for last quarter.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a new RRC for this week. Honestly, I’m not too sure how much this little section is enjoyed by all of you, so I’m thinking of putting it to bed (again). I’ll give it a week to see if anyone is still interested or not and then we’ll see. So, if you still want this – now would be a good time to let me know.
“Mr. Jarrett? I need a job.”
TNA has a PPV and all we can talk about is the WWE lay-offs this week.
Let’s look at these one by one:
Albert: Aside from Jay – is anyone really upset? It’s not that Albert is a bad guy, but he’s really floundered ever since Droz went limp. I’m sure the Jarretts will take a look at him, but I just don’t see Albert making it over at TNA either.
Billy Gunn: How many times does this make it now? Billy’s been dropped and rehired by the WWE more than Billy Martin with the Yankees. But he’ll probably land over at TNA since he only works well with Road Dogg (or whatever he’s calling himself these days) or Chuck and if TNA knows anything – they know how to do tag teams.
Test: How many times have all of us looked at that rat nose and wonder what Stacy sees in him? I actually don’t hate Test like so many others do. I think he vastly improved whenever he went heel with Steiner. But man, how long can a guy be injured? If he can get better, I can see him either going back to Vince or TNA picking him up. He’s big enough to hold a lot of people’s interest for a while anyway.
Johnny Stamboli: Nobody cares. Welcome back to the real indies where you can bank an extra $50 on that “Former WWE Superstar” tagline.
Chuck Palumbo: Sad to see Chuck get the boot since I think he’s better than average for his size. The Jarrett’s could do worse.
Nidia: I really have always liked Nidia. I think she added a measure of comic releaf that the women’s division needed. She really showed a lot of improvement during the whole “blind” angle and I hope she lands on her feet somewhere. And I’ve seen some of the TNA girls – Nidia ranks up there with them in the looks department. But you can’t feel too bad for her – she really stretched that Tough Enough contract longer most of us thought possible.
Rodney Mack: Remember when they dropped D-Lo for this guy? Let’s face it – the only reason Mack was kept on the roster this long was because he’s married to Jazz. Speaking of…
Jazz: This one is the most baffling to me. I suppose her being let go was due to her injuries that seemed to happen every other month. She’ll be over in Nashville/Orlando lickety split.
Gail Kim: Boo. Now whose blown spots can I enjoy? She’s a pretty face that will end up somewhere, I figure.
Rico: Like I said over in the Salty Ham Forums, I caught SmackDown a few weeks ago and asked, “Who ate Rico?” If there is one thing the WWE doesn’t like – it’s for guys to start looking sloppy. Rico was on American Gladiators back in the day, for crying out loud! There’s no excuse for letting himself get that out of shape. I suppose I’m the most upset about this since I liked him the most out of this bunch. But the writing was on the wall when Haas took Jackie as his valet. Hit the gym, Rico – you’ll get work.
Oh well. Buh bye. Bottom line was not one of these wrestlers were a draw. And if one more person blames Triple H for it, I’m cracking skulls.
RAW Rage #60 (11/8/04)
Don’t forget about the “Mrs. G’s Secret Wrestler Game”. You can play this game ONLY in Salty Ham Forums. Pick the same superstar on the RAW Roster that she does and you can win fabulous prizes. Here is your scale:
1 win – A picture of Roland from 12 years ago (or Roland at 18)
2 wins – A picture of Roland at 19 years old.
3 wins – A picture of Roland at 20, hung over and smoking.
4 wins – A picture of Roland at 28 – shaggy at the computer
5 wins – A recent picture of Roland (complete with new haircut and goatee)
6 wins – A picture of Roland’s High School Wrestling team with Chavo Guerrero Sr as coach.
7 wins – My wife’s picture of the Von Erich’s, autographed.
8 wins – Co Host RAW with me.
9 wins – Recap RAW for me
10 wins – A permanent spot in the RAW Rage Ring of Honor & a copy of the HORRIBLE and never seen first RAW Rage that I used to get the recapping job a The Balrog’s Lair. Believe me, I don’t really want that thing getting out.
So, go play in Salty Ham Forums.
Mrs. G took Triple H this week and AGAIN nobody won. Come on people. The more that pick – the better the chances.
-HHH, fresh from canning a bunch of spare mid-card wrestlers, is back. Batista is with him and now that Flair is hurt – Dave is flexing more than normal resulting in everyone else “watching their backs,” if you know what I mean. The H’s attacks Bischoff and Eric threatens to strip (Batista perks up) him of the title (Batista cares not). Trippers laughs and asks if Uncle Eric has been paying attention this week. It wouldn’t be that difficult for Trippers to send him down Jarrett Blvd. Bischoff instead asks for some action and Batista quickly volunteers – but then he finds out he’s wrestling Orton. As we go to commercial, I see Batista mouth, “Been there, done that.”
-And because the “action” is what is important on RAW, we join this match in progress. The hulking Batista DOMINATES the young Adonis (with leather, chains, whips, and a mighty big paddle) early on. But then the upstart turns the tables on the former bouncer and HAS HIS WAY. Finally, it’s back and forth, UP and DOWN, IN and…well you get the point. Trips wants a THREE WAY dance, but the ref QUEERS the deal and sends the champ to the back. Batista is done with all this FOREPLAY and is ready for some REAL ACTION. It’s time for Orton to GO DOWN. But Orton has other ideas as his adrenaline SWELLS. He wants to be ON TOP by the end of this match. However, Batista isn’t above FORCING things to go his way. Back and forth these two warriors go until both are PANTING AND SWEATING. Finally Orton HOOKS HIS ARM BETWEEN BATISTA’S LEGS and rolls him up for the pin. Batista felt it was a PREMATURE CLIMAX to a great match. Who needs a smoke?
-Orton hangs with his new face buddies when Batista jumps in the middle of the four men to get a piece of each of them. The man has no shame.
-Edge is a heel now. A HEEL!!! If you morons can’t get that through your thick skulls – the WWE will continue to show us video packages of the heel turn. Over and over again. Every week. WE GET IT ALREADY! Sheesh.
-Benoit proves he still can’t cut a promo…even with blood on his face and the thing taped.
-The Detroit Pistons honor Triple H by wearing his belt as they get awarded their championship trophy and banner. You see, even THEY are scared of getting fired.
-Tomko vs. Benjamin. Tomko’s still employed? Shelton won. Duh.
-Over on SmackDown…nobody gives two craps.
-Trish has no competition now that half the women’s division is fired…so she primps in the mirror.
-Anyone else find the “Monster Job of the Week” on a wrestling show humorous? Where’s Stevie Richards?
-Jericho is ready for the Highlight Reel. Where’s Batista? I’m running out of material. Lita and Trish are the guests tonight. If this was Sesame Street – they would line these two girls up and sing, “One of these things just doesn’t belong here. One of these things had a truck run over their face. Guess which one!” Then Oscar the Grouch would throw up on Lita. Trish has a point about Lita being the “walking kiss of death.” Matt, Jeff, Kane, Essa Rios, Dean Malenko, the baby, her face – all dead in some way or another. FINALLY, this segment is SAVED by the walking greatness of KING SNITSKY! This man is genius. I mean, HE PUNTED A BABY INTO THE CROWD!!! How can you not love him?
-Moments ago…SNITSKY PUNTED A BABY INTO THE CROWD!!! They even show it in slow-mo! Greatest. RAW. Ever.
-Sweet. We are getting more Simonova Dean. He scores on some Rosanne Barr look-alike for a while and she looks like her eyes are going to pop out of her head. Calm down, honey. Then he moves over to some old, bald man who doesn’t exactly blow the roof off with his acting ability. Then he finally gets to Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Apparently Barney didn’t want to be recognized at this wrestling event as it was wearing a blonde wig. After a rousing, “I love you, you love me,” sing along – Simon gets Barney to drink some Tang. But Barney, ever the teacher of children, demonstrates how to share the Tang with Simon. Dean, a quick learner, demonstrates that he understands the lesson and shares the rest of the Tang with Barney. What a learning experience for us all. Then Barney shows us its butt crack.
-The H’s comes to the ring to kill Tajiri, but GENE SNITSKY does it for him from behind. This is great. Snitsky is the new…oh no. Snitsky just committed career suicide by offending The Game. Expect another cut tomorrow. Oh well – that dead baby gimmick was only going to last for so long.
-Some Arab guys are all upset over 9/11. Something about us white folk being racist since then. Silly evil doers. I think the one on the left sold me some gas today. YOWZA!
-Michael Cole tries hard not to seem gay and Tazz tries hard not to seem homophobic as the two run down the SmackDown card for Sur Ser. Then Tubby and Pervert do the same for RAW.
-Who else is happy that Maria is now employed (Hint: not Nidida)? Sure, she’s retarded and asks very stupid questions – but eye candy has its place in this world. Meanwhile, nobody is paying any attention to Edge. Not even Trips, who busts in on this promo for whatever reason. I’m too distracted by The Cerebral Nose, which takes up half the screen.
-Trips confides in Batista, who listens closely as the H’s instructs him to “have a talk” with the other members of their Sur Ser team. Batista nods, reading between the lines. He knows “have a talk” really means “put everything on the internet.” He’s no dummy.
-That Diva winner is so useless that they got her ring announcing. What this says about Lillian Garcia, I haven’t a clue. But it’s not good.
-Edge vs. Benoit. Well, we all know Scott Keith is going to give this match at least 3 stars. I, on the other hand, am less interested when it’s ALL CANADA. Complete Manifest Destiny – that’s my motto. But nobody listens to me. Because I’m insane. All the Sur Ser teams show up by the end of this an no winner is had. A big “UP THE BUYRATE” fight ensues.
Not a bad show considering it’s right before a PPV where RAW tends to turn into an infomercial. I give it 6 of 10.
[From the very funny Return of the Living Dead]
Paramedic #1 : You have no pulse, your blood pressure’s zero-over-zero, you have no pupillary response, no reflexes and your temperature is 70 degrees.
Freddy : Well, what does that mean?
Paramedic #1 : Well, it’s a puzzle because, technically, you’re not alive. Except you’re conscious, so we don’t know what it means.
Freddy : Are you saying we’re dead?
Paramedic #2 : Well, let’s not jump to conclusions.
Freddy : Are you saying we’re dead?
Paramedic #2 : No conclusions.
Paramedic #1 : Obviously I didn’t mean you were really dead. Dead people don’t move around and talk.
Ask Roland
I’m no master when it comes to answers. But still people come to me and ask questions even though I’ve proven on more than one occasion that I’m mentally retarded. So, I continue to answer them. If you want to ask me a question, you need to do so in Salty Ham Forums.
Here comes the question my staff has been waiting for…
Question: Tell the truth, are there just some people at SH that get on your nerves? Or just one person? Inversely do you have a favorite?
Roland Answers: I want you to know that this is an EXCELLENT question. Kudos. There have been people that have worked for me that have given me fits before. One of them used to work in Games and is a personal friend of mine. His column still stands at I think ONE if you want to go check it out. All of this happened in the first few months of the site opening. What drove me nuts was that after months of me emailing him about updating his column and him ignoring me – I asked Jay to write a review to get our game reviews up and going. This infuriated my friend, who shot me an email saying he wasn’t going to work for us if he didn’t get to approve who wrote for us. He also said the form Jay used was stolen.
Now, you’re in luck with this little story because it made me so mad, I actually archived it in my email and kept the following portion of the conversation (I’m using the “M” for his name to protect him). Enjoy:
In response to your question “How is he doing that?” the format is straight out of IGN
I know I have not been great at getting my stuff to you on time (still not online at home yet) but did you have to get some idiot to write reviews until I get caught up? This guy is a total tool, he thinks he is writing for an E rated magazine. He is even following the “GamePlay, Sound, etc” format. I thought I would get to help pick anyone who writes for the games page. I certainly would not have OKed someone who is reviewing games just like every site/magazine out there. If this guy is going to be a part of the games site I am out.
M
Here’s my response:
Hey M –
I’m trying to get the portions of the website up and going with some frequency. I had zero game reviews up, so I asked some of the other guys that write for other portions of the website to help out. So, Jay and the other guy did. He’s not copying and pasting from another website – this is his opinion. He writes in wrestling and no, he isn’t me. (Note: he thought I was writing the review under an assumed name) And he isn’t a columnist for games – he just reviewed some games for us.
Understand – not everyone is going to be writing just like you do. And until such time as I can get writers for the games section – namely YOU since YOU haven’t written a SINGLE thing since December – I’m having people help out with reviews. I should think that you should get on your knees and kiss Jay’s feet for helping YOU out since YOU haven’t done SQUAT since volunteering yourself for the position.
As editor of games – I am simply asking you to write your column and help me to approve other people that write for games. But since we had zero content for games and content coming in for other sections, I asked some people to help. Remember, I was emailing you every day and getting no response, so I went ahead and got content.
If you want out – fine (and after this little tirade, I wouldn’t miss you). But remember that Wes and I have done a lot of work on this website and we are trying to get it going…
So, to answer your question – I don’t like it when someone doesn’t update their column and then gets upset on how we do things. But for the most part, I really like everyone working for Salty.
And do I have a favorite? Yeah. Jay. He’s the only one that’s been with me since the beginning that didn’t flake out (well, him and Wes anyway).
Great question.
And speaking of Jay…
Put That In Your Pipe and QUOTE It!
You like to talk? You like to talk RASSLIN’? How about other geeky things like Movies, Music, Games, Sports, and Life? Well, I’ve got just the place for you – it’s Salty Ham Forums! You can talk about anything there and I will go in every week and steal someone’s post and make it the “Quote of the Week.” I mean, what else have I got going on in my life?
Short quote this week – but it made me laugh. After Jay found out Albert had been cut – we got this gem:
Jay: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
This has been the Quote of the Week. Cut and pasted without permission by Roland G.
No Missing Link Here
Ugh, every time I get to this part, I just want to rush through it and be done. So, I will…
check out “CURRENT History. It’s good.
Jay’s Rumblings From the Bench!
Thankless Theater is always good!
This flash movie made me laugh.
The sorry Dallas Cowboys play on Monday Night Football next week, so this will probably be later than normal next week.
Roland G – The man who is finished.
Roland
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