The Electoral College is a confusing but necessary element of the American government. Subject to critical review during the election of 2000, very few people understand how our country selects its most important leaders. (Yes, the Vice President is a leader.) Because of the difficulty many of us have understanding this system that I get paid to teach, we focus on a system whose leader is easier to attack. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we have turned the dictatorship of the WWE into our own personal, internet based democracy. Yet in our democracy we forgot to comment on one of the most important walkouts in wrestling history.
The premier intercontinental champion, so crowned after defeating the North American champion, Pat Patterson walked out of the business. Vince McMahon simply said that Mr. Patterson “lost his passion for the business.” Much like the followers of George W. Bush, we took his word for it and are now getting screwed. People that have been in the business for 50 years do not lose passion; they get fed up with crap.
The Game, the Cerebral Assassin, Hunter Hearst Helmsley received some credit for this abrupt departure for Pat Patterson. According to various reports, PP got sick of Trips’ title reigns and decided to fight the good fight. The good fight is often fought without fanfare and without acclaim, but it is time for us to change that. There have been hundreds, if not thousands of anti-HHH columns. This is not one, but let us examine the noose in which PP hung himself by exiting the WWE.
Over the course of the past 3 years, HHH has had more title reigns than any other wrestler. This is fact one. Fact two says that with his most recent reign the PPV buys, the gold standard if you will is at an all time low. Fact three says that Chris Benoit brought intrigue and credibility to a wrestling championship like few before him. However, in HHH’s need to be champion, it became necessary to eliminate the man he could not beat (Benoit) and inadvertently erase the legacy of a man that again, he could not beat (Brock) by allowing Randy Orton to become the youngest champion ever. Because HHH could not beat Benoit it became necessary to crown a champion that he could defeat, Randy Orton. By defeating Orton, Orton’s credibility is shot as he lost against the weathered old champion, HHH. Phew…that was a lot.
I am by no means a wrestling expert. However, in a sport where the winners are scripted, is it not vital to that sport’s success that new stars be created. Where was a star created in HHH’s last program? Benoit is fighting on Heat, Brock was erased from the record books and Orton became a legend killer by losing???
For these reasons and more, Pat Patterson is my hero. Instead of following the old saying, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ’em” he decided to take the Jeff Van Gundy route when he undoubtedly said to himself, “Get me the hell off of this sinking ship.” Thank you Pat Patterson, you are my hero for having the guts to say enough is enough. May retirement bring you the peace of mind you deserve.
Thanks to Tendai and Tanay. My friends from the Eastern Hemisphere have helped in compiling this column’s list of headlines.
Headlines You Won’t See Anywhere Else
Razor Ramon is C-C-Cool
Spitting a toothpick is replaced with the spitting of an apple. A Jheri curl gets replaced by a nappy ‘fro. Welcome to 2004 Razor and congrats on your US title win.
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue
There is something creepy about you. Heidenreich becomes the first poet to wear red spandex. Most hip cats only wear black.
Wrestling is Fake
What exactly does that statement mean? The next time you hear someone say that, tell them Terminator is fake as are (insert favorite star’s name here) breast’s. Watch them cry like you did the first time someone said wrestling is fake.
Booker Emerges as Number One Contender
Maybe the writers at Smackdown have been visiting Mr. Brown’s Class. Point of Interest: Have you ever noticed that Booker always loses when he wears white tights?
WWE Fires Retired Wrestlers
When was the last time you actually saw A-Train, Test or Mr. Ass wrestle? Firing these guys gave them more airtime then they have had in the past year combined. Good luck to A-Train as he is truly a fine wrestler that got stuck with bad gimmicks (Prince Albert, the Hip Hop Hippo, etc.) By the way, how did Mae Young and Moolah manage to have more ring time than these three in the lat two years?
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