Scroll down to the bold letters to get straight to the recap.
You know what time it is don’t you? Why, it’s time for another White & Blue! Brought to you by Extreme Student Fatigue ™ in flavors Boozyberry, InsaniCherry and Broccoli!
Seriously, I hate to admit it, but all the “oompf” has gone out of me in this edition. I’ve been BS’ing all week when it comes to work and school and I’m getting even more/lazier even though I have a paper due on Monday. I wasn’t even going to do this W&B, but that’s not a good way to start things off with my friends at The Wrestling Voice! Yes! I have yet another home and it’s at The Wrestling Voice. Hey Dougie. You good? Me too.
Readers from all sites, (TBL, WOW Revolution, Salty Ham, TWV) feel free to drop me a line to give feedback and criticism. I won’t cry, I promise.
Speaking of “dropping lines” and “crying”, it’s time for another edition of The Last Resort.For those of you who have no idea what that is, it’s my bit within this little Smack Down! recapping column where I give advice and answer people’s questions. This week’s latest question leaves me flattered, excited and confused all at once. So am I shrooming? Good guess but it’s just Flagg! He’s the highly esteemed (and often grumpy…but in a cute “Oscar the Grouch” kind of way) Salty Ham writer of The Scam. In a creepy yet touching question, (as I didn’t even know he knew I existed) Flagg asks this:
I was reading your wrestling column (bored at work) and you like it when people ask you shit so-
Does it effect my “cool” status to say that I’m intrigued by you in some weird, over-the-Internet-so-I-probably-think-you-much-hotter-than-you-actually-are kind of way? Actually, it just turns me on when women cuss. Post a picture of yourself somewhere.
(continuing the grand tradition of sexual harassment in the Internet workplace)
-Flagg
It’s not that you think I am “much hotter than I actually am”, it’s that I’m so freaking hot that it melts the plastic on your keyboard and you just can’t stand it! Oh yeah! What those fingers baby!
The unfortunate part of this is that this “hotness” (whether you believe that or not) is a “brainy sassy” hotness that brings the men folk in and keeps them begging for more. But somehow I think that’s not the hot you’re looking for. My kind of hotness is this: picture a sassy soggy brain (the sass indicated by a little red bow tilted slightly askew) at a keyboard typing this out right now. Hot right? Only I don’t have fingers because I’m a big soggy brain. But I use the power of my sassy mind to transfer my highly sophisticated unhuman language (Cussology) into something you unsassy humanoids can understand. The byproduct of this is lots of sexy cussing intermingling with English. I’d post you a sassy f***ing picture (here’s the cussology coming on), but shit, my sassy f***ing boyfriend would have a sassy f***ing fit and lose his sassy f***ing tampon up his sassy f***ing…
Let’s just say the risks of Toxic Shock Syndrome are high. But thanks for boosting my already Plain Jane low self-esteem. But on the flip side, in another place and in another time, my brassy sassiness and low self-esteem combined with your cynical saltiness could’ve produced something magical. If this were the fifties and I was a hooker and you were a rough trick named Charlie, well then…we could’ve really been something. Wow. Imagine the possibilities.
Oh well.
f***.
I’ll try to curb down the trappings of my language Earthonoids. Thanks for writing in Flaggster. (Don’t you just hate when people add “ster” to crap?) Let’s move on with my delicious contest!
For those of you who don’t know or have been comatose for the last few weeks, I’ve launched a contest in my column. Contestants respond to certain situations, either a hypothetical advice question or a “storyline” set up. The finalists keep duking it out, with one person eliminated a week until there is but one winner who receives a piece of TNA or WWE merchandise. Cool huh?
I just realized that in order for you to find out the context in which I’m choosing people to either stay or go, that I’ll have to repost the entries again. If you saw these last week sorry for being redundant, but I gotta give context. Context means “crunchy”. And the questions are the soft chewy delicious middle. Hmmm…
Anyway I’m just going to copy and paste stuff from last week and then I’m going to decide who goes and who stays for the next round:
The first two entries tackle this hypothetical question:
I’m a lady with a hairy back and a full-grown mustache but I can’t find a boyfriend! It shouldn’t be about looks it should be about personality. I’m lonely. Shaving won’t help, it grows back with in minutes, plus I’m ugly and stuff. What should I do?
Jish takes my place as the advice hag with this response:
Dear Hairy Lady,
I feel your pain. I really do. The way I see it, you have three options. You can:
A) Expose yourself to high levels of radiation, thereby eliminating all the hair follicles on your body. Of course, you’ll probably end up looking like Mr. Clean once everything is said and done, but sacrifices must be made you know!
Note: For proper levels of radiation, a nuclear warhead is required.
B) Get a job playing Chewbacca at all the Star Wars conventions. Sure, you’ll still be ugly as hell, but at least you’ll have some cash in your pocket!
C) Move to some third world country where hairy women are considered beautiful.
Now, RingoJuna has a different (scarier) take on this:
Baby, baby, baby….here is what you should do. You should get your fine, hirsute ass in gear and hook it up with the Ringo. I love you hairy ladies cause when we get it on all the excess body hair starts rubbing together and (to quote Glenn Frey) the heat is on. This is what I’m thinking…you, me, a cheap bottle of wine and some mustache wax and it’ll be like heaven, nirvana, and Chuck-E-Cheese all rolled into one delicious hairy ball. And look at the other big plus to us hooking up and sparing the razor. We could have little hairy babies and tout them off as living midget Sasquatches. I’m seeing nothing but scruffy fun in our futures if you catch my drift.
(Shudders) Next, The Current Big Thing answers the following storyline question:
What happens to Cole and Heidenrech after their little “encounter” in a back room on SD? How does Vince McMahon get involved? Quick summary of what happens next.
Now that Heidenrech is on a reading rage, the monster goes around reading poems as a regular thing on Smackdown. Two Thursdays after No Mercy, Heidenrech goes to read a poem in the middle of the ring. Out from the crowd comes out Josh Matthews with a chair and hits him on the back, before running away from the groggy beast. Heyman irate, he goes over to Teddy Long’s office to discuss a probable match for next week: Josh Matthews vs. Heidenrech. Long says it’s already too late for that. Heyman does his usual “Wha- But what do you mean it’s too late?!” Long explains, “Josh already came to me askin for the match for next week. And if you even come close to that ring during the match, Heyman, I’mma suspend you indefinitely. Belieee dat playa.”
Now the match is set. Next Smackdown, Heidenreich vs. Josh Matthews. Josh holds his own a bit trying different moves he learned under Al Snow’s wing. But Heidenreich is too strong. He can only stay down for so long. The big man grabs Josh like a sack of potatoes and finishes him off with a very painful-looking move.
The match is over, but Heidenreich continues to pound on Matthews. Heyman enjoys what his protégé is doing, but it isn’t enough. Heyman goes outside to grab a chair. As he walks towards the ring, Michael Cole grows a couple of grapes between his legs and snatches it away from him. Paul stares in disbelief, and they start pounding each other like two girls at an eight grade prom. Heidenreich leaves Josh to scare away Cole. Tazz goes to see if Josh is alright, but Heidi sees him and tries to attack him, only to fall to the Tazzmission.
The following week on Smackdown, Vince McMahon meets with Heyman. He tells him that he can’t have that monster running around injuring his announcers, but Heyman is quick to remind him that Tazz had “attacked” his young protégé. McMahon gives him an option: get in the ring with Heidenreich at Survivor Series against Cole and Tazz, or “You’re Fired!”
And Garykins addresses this storyline situation:
Pretend the Kane/Lita/Hardy storyline isn’t over/stupid. What happens now that Lita has lost the baby? How is Stinsky (The guy who bumped Kane into Lita) involved? Quick summary
Through their shared pain, Lita finally comes around to “loving” Kane. They team up and exact revenge on Snitsky by screwing him out of a shot for the Intercontinental title. Next as they feud with Snitsky back and forth a brutal cage match is made at the next PPV (not Taboo Tuesday with the weapons) where Kane finally prevails, putting Snitsky out of commission with an extensive injury. We don’t get to see his face for awhile which is really good.
So who’s gonna get the boot this week?
Oh I’m sorry Garykins. You had a really good entry but it doesn’t sound like anything too different then what’s probably going to happen on RAW. That was solid though. Everyone give Garykins a round of applause. If he’s as cute as his name he’ll be alright. I know a rough trick named Charlie who’d like to meet him. Everyone wins.
For those who have made it through, congrats! Here are you’re topics to choose from for the next round. Please have them emailed by next Friday at 3pm. The sooner, the better. And keep it under 350 words ‘kay?
Advice topics/questions (pick one or pick one storyline question).
a) How would you answer Flagg’s question if you were me? Answer it. (Yes, I’m lazy.)
b) Hypothetical Question (I made it up. Yep.)—My mom needs fifty thousand dollars for a life saving surgery and I’m poor and have bad credit. I’m on a reality/game show and I have the choices of sleeping with Torrie Wilson for one night, marrying Trish Stratus for 15,000, sleeping with Mae Young for 25,000 or doing a three some with Moolah and Mae for 50,000 large. Obviously you can see my problem…Torrie’s freaking HOT! And under ordinary circumstances I’d NEVER get the chance to hit that. But there’s no payoff at all. On the other hand I’ve been dreaming of Trish since puberty. I even bought that WWE album just to hear her song (sighs lovingly). That’s how I know I love her! She sucks but I still put her song on repeat thirty times in a row. But dude, marriage? Come on! I’m still young. And its only gonna get me 15 grand, and since I’d be married, it wouldn’t technically be all mine you know what I mean? But then there’s sleeping with Mae Young. I get half of what I need to save Mom, but at least it doesn’t mean I have to face the double threat of two old saggy biddies possibly “pleasing each other” in front of me (or having to please them. Yecch) even though it’s EXACTLY the amount of money I need. What do I do? If mom dies then no one will drive me to my job at Taco Bell? I mean dude, what if it were YOUR mom!
–Young pimply faced kid barely reaching adulthood.
Wrestling/Storyline questions Pick one of these or one of the advice topics.
a) After Taboo Tuesday what happens with Evolution, including Ric Flair and Randy Orton? Are there any other people who get involved?
b) He spits in the face of people who are not cool. So who’s he gonna feud with next? Is the fact that he spit in Torrie Wilson’s face a factor? What’s going to happen? How does Cena figure in?
c) Kidman/Chavo situation. What happens next? Is London still a factor? If he’s not then who is?
d) TNA situation…pick any stars/characters/wrestlers and make something up.
So that’s it baby. Show me the money (shot. I’m nasty).
This Week On Smack Down!
8:00
That awkward ass fake pop metal song brings us into Rockford, IL. Tazz and Cole talk about the matches going on tonight. Blah blah blahbity blah. Doesn’t matter because almost everything seems like its filler for the big Tough Enough segment.
8:02
Torrie Wilson comes out acting as a ring announcer for the next match. She introduces Carlito who comes out in a butt ugly shirt, but to his credit at least it looks like he’s finally getting a neck. He argues with a dude in the audience a little bit and then gets into the ring. Once in ring he tells Torrie that though his championship belt looks good on him, he would look good on her.
Yikes. How long have you been pitching that little stinker to innocent women?
Torrie acts all weirded out as Carlito hassles her about some “question” she supposedly didn’t answer. He feels “ignored”. In all actuality, Torrie’s just trying to introduce his opponent. But that doesn’t rock with Carlito. He spits apple all over her face and she runs out of the ring humiliated.
Poor Torrie, always the victim.
Tazz: That’s repulsive.
Cole: He has no couth!
Anyway Rico is his opponent. Rico is really looking good out there…he’s on FIRE! And I found it funny and heartening how Cole and Tazz’s analysis of a guy wearing pink vinyl and white fishnetting paints him in a serious light as a credible talent…which he is. He’s whooping Carlito’s butt! Torrie probably reminds him of his hag Miss Jackie. Besides, he needs someone to love now that Haas has taken her away. Dammit Haas. You can’t take away Will’s Grace.
Anyway Rico’s doing the damned thing until Carlito gets control. He does what must be his finisher– a crazy dangerous looking neckbreaker–where he puts his big pudgy leg on Rico’s neck and follows through. Pin. Win.
8:08
He puts on Cena’s chain. (Give that up, that’s so not cool) and they play a replay of what just happened two seconds ago.
Well we hear the “John Cena had an incident in a night club” story from Tazz and Cole again. Cole talks about his “puncture wounds” and Tazz sets him straight.
Tazz: What are you talking about, puncture wounds? He was stabbed Cole. Say it. John Cena was stabbed.
Cole says that Cena will be able to save his kidney.
Phew. Now I can sleep tonight.
8:10
Booker T and Long are in this scene. Long booked Booker in a “Champion’s Showcase” six man tag team match. See, he’ll have to team up with RVD and Mysterio against JBL, Kenzo and Dupree. Booker is just not that into it but Long doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if Booker thinks he’s the star who doesn’t do tag teams anymore or if he’s not crazy about Rob or Rey, all that matters is that he appears in the ring tonight. Once he’s there he can do whatever he wants, including turning on Rey or Rob. Long says he can “Show up, step up or man up.” For some reason Booker really likes the sound of this and he’s all like, “You want me to step up? Aight.” And he nods his head and walks away with a tiny smile.
8:12
Commercials.
8:15
Replay/video package of the Kidman/Chavo/London drama.
8:17
Chavo returns to a face response and he’s very emotional as he addresses the crowd, thanking them for their support while he was away. Even Tazz and Cole are standing up as a sign or respect. Cole comments that after that Shooting Star Press Kidman delivered, Chavo was concussed, knocked out cold for five minutes straight and unaware of his surroundings for another twenty minutes after he came to. Yikes. That had to be scary. As he continues to thank the crowd Kidman comes out looking as stupid as ever. He interrupts Chavo by being patronizing with, “Wow, you look good!” and asks him if he got his cards and flowers. Chavo doesn’t look too pleased.
Kidman thinks this situation has brought them closer, because after all, they were both victims in this thing.
BOOOOOO goes the crowd.
He says the audience turned him into an animal and made him feel bad just because he made a mistake. He wishes more people were like Chavo because Chavo forgives him. Right Chavo? Tell them you forgive him?
Chavo responds by saying that this sport “isn’t ballet”, it’s real and dangerous. And though his family begged him not to wrestle again, he had to come back to what he loved, even though he was very close to throwing it all away. Then he says an old friend helped him decide that he wanted to stay, someone who stuck by him and someone’s he’s eternally grateful to. Meanwhile Kidman’s all smirking and looking smug like he’s the guy who Chavo is thanking. But you know what? He is. Or at least he seems to be. He and Chavo hug and the audience boo their freaking heads off. Wait, no “dirty handshake”? What the eff is going on? Oh, okay I get it.
He almost lets Kidman go as he awkwardly stutters that, “That old friend damned sure wasn’t you!” Then he goes in for the attack and stomps him down. Chavo tosses Kidman out of the ring as Tazz and Cole agree that he got what he deserved tonight.
8:25
Heidenrech is in the back shadow boxing. Paul approaches him to give him pep talk for his first real match on SmackDown. But there’s a catch. Either he doesn’t wrestle at all, or has to wear a strait jacket upon entering and leaving the ring and Heyman is responsible for him getting it on/taking it off etc. Why? Because not only is he a danger to others, he’s gonna wind up hurting himself. Though Paul notes that being bound in the strait jacket might leave him vulnerable to the Undertaker, Heidi doesn’t care. He yells at Paul to “put it on now!” As Paul helps him into it, he takes deep breaths and says “It feels good, Paul, It feels like home. Home sweet home.”
I bet. Your last “home” was probably in a place with padded walls and on the hour medication. Ahh, the comforts of home.
8:27
Tough Enough gets promoted again. The “special” is tonight. Commercials.
8:31
Press conference for Survivor Series.
8:32
Heidenrech comes out (his theme music is kind of cool actually) in his strait jacket. They recapped Heidi’s attack on UT when he ran the truck into his hearse, driving the idea home that he’s dangerous because he doesn’t even care about his own safety.
So who’s his jobber? Uhh, I mean his “opponent”? None other than Shannon Moore. No longer a Hardy boy look-alike, he’s sporting a Mohawk and some Mad Max type of get up. Spikes in the vest he’s wearing. Metal chaps? I don’t know. I don’t judge.
Moore starts attacking even before Heidenrech gets fully out of the jacket or before the bell rings. However, even with one hand, literally tied behind his back, he can handle Moore.
Cole: You can tell he’s sick from his poetry. And I know he’s sick first hand. He kidnapped me and had me in that locked room. Remember that?
Tazz: How could I forget?
8:36
Match over. You know who won right?
Cole: Okay Mr. Heidenrech get back into the strait jacket so everyone’s safe.
Heidenrech contorts his face into one of sick twisted pleasure as Paul helps him into his jacket.
Cole: He’s getting some sort of sick pleasure from putting on the jacket!
Tazz: How do you know?
Cole: … anyway, Heidenrech is putting on the jacket.
Replay of the somewhat entertaining squash. Just when you think it’s over, Heidi asks for the mic. He’s calling out the Undertaker again. Right here. Right now, even bound in the jacket.
Paul tries to calm him down but Heidenrech yells into his face, “Bring him to me!” as if he’s in intense mental pain. He then rubs his head across one of Heyman’s breasts trying to console himself. This is so weird.
This dude seems so for real. I’m starting to dig his character. He’s a good actor. This Heidenrech dude seems to suffer from “prison rape syndrome” with his crazy ass. I’m loving it.
8:39
Tough Enough crap. Commercials.
8:43
Torrie is talking to the makeup lady about how it took her a long time to wash the apple bits out of her hair when Kenzo comes up to her singing, “You are so beautiful to me”. She looks all wierded out again until Long comes around and says, “excuse me Eminem.” Torrie finds this a little funny and seems to laugh at that. I don’t. As a matter of fact, I don’t even get it. Anyway, Long apologizes for Carlito’s behavior and since he’s nearby he’s going to confront him right now. As Long struts toward Carlito you can still hear Kenzo’s singing in the background.
Long asks if Carlito thinks it’s cool to spit in women’s faces. Then he asks if Carlito was really sure he wasn’t in that nightclub the night Cena was attacked. Carlito says he wasn’t there. Long says that’s not what the authorities told him.
Carlito walks away saying that Long’s tone of voice, “is not cool” and that he’s not answering any more questions without a lawyer present.
8:45
Video package of European tour. Everyone is all positive and loves the fans and you know it’s the usual stuff. And usually during these things even “heels” say nice stuff about the “fans” and “their energy”. So I’m expecting more off the same crap when I hear Carlito talking and he says “I’ve been many places…”
Uh oh, here we go, the European fans were great right?
“But I haven’t seen one cool place yet.”
Ouch. For some reason that made me laugh so hard.
Booker is warming up and here comes OJ trying to kiss up again. He says he was sent by JBL to set up a meeting between he and Booker before the match. Booker just stares at him hardcore like he wants to slap the taste out of his mouth. OJ says he apologizes for calling him “dog” a couple of weeks ago. But Booker gives no love as he just walks away all bug eyed and aggravated.
Orlando Jordan looks like a burn victim. (laughing) Hey guys, I’ve got one of those “You so ugly” jokes. Listen, OJ was so ugly that when he was born, the doctor didn’t slap him, he slapped his mama!
Oh. Oh okay. You don’t think that’s funny? How about this.
OJ is so ugly that when he was born his mother attempted to strangulate him in a hefty bag and throw him in the trash.
Ouch. Tough crowd.
I’m here all week.
Hey after ten kids, she could’ve done without the eleventh. OJ is the youngest of eleventh I think. My god, she had a built in basketball tourney. The kids were probably playing skins and shirts.
8:48
Commercials.
8:52
Tough Enough promo AGAIN. Just show the damn clips already or whatever it is. Damn.
Eddie comes out to fight Mark Jindrak who’s also adept at stealing matches. After a commercial break, he lets Eddie leap onto a fight bell that he holds across his midsection. When Eddie holds his body in pain, Jindrak pins and wins. Angle is going to buy him ice cream after the show.
9:05
Heyman comes to Long asking a favor on behalf of Heidenrech. Long laughs at Heidenrech’s nerve and then wants to know what he wants. Its simple. Heidi wants a match at Survivor Series with Undertaker. Long says, “Done.” Heyman is happy as hell, and gets up to leave when Long informs him of the kicker. He has to get a signed contract. Heyman says, what? That’s no big deal. Not a problem.
Nope. He doesn’t really care about Heyman or Heidenrech’s signature, but he needs Undertaker’s. And he wants Paul to personally obtain it by next week or the match ain’t happenin’ cap’n. Paul’s hysterical. Being the bottom in his and Heidenrech’s relationship has really done wonders for his estrogen count.
9:07
Commercials. Tough Enough is coming up. Don’t forget that. Okay?
9:12
Booker T approaches RVD and Mysterio, basically saying that he’s going to be looking out for number one in their match tonight. RVD shines a brilliant beam of light on the situation, “We’d better watch Booker.”
Wow! This guy continuously blows my mind man…who says doobies are bad for your health?
9:13
All this hype for a ten-minute segment. It was pretty cool though. In my opinion all the wrong people got cut. You’ve got nothing left except for the “charismatically challenged”.
9:35
JBL and OJ finally get their meeting with Booker. Looks like everyone is getting along and everything’s dandy. Laughing and comradeship between champs. Everything is peachy. Booker points out that though he and JBL are both from Texas, JBL went to New York City and lived it up. And well, he even got himself a houseboy.
Ooooh.
Everyone got quiet. Booker laughed, “I’m just playing with you man…”
JBL and OJ laughed somewhat uneasily as if we almost figured out their secret.
9:37
Commercials.
9:41
The six man tag team members are coming out. Tazz still insists that Fifi is Greek.
Tazz: Fifi loves feta cheese Cole!
Forgive me for my lack of focus as I’m falling asleep, but JBL’s team controlled things in the first half.
9:51
Commercials.
9:53 or :55 (my notes are not clear)
I wake up in just the nick of time to see JBL and Booker T sharing a knowing gaze into each other’s eyes as poor little Mysterio is put on the line. Why those two wiley guys! They played EVERYONE! Booker holds Rey to let JBL get a shot at him. When JBL is about to attack, Booker throws Rey out of the way and kicks him in the neck. Then he cleans shop. Kenzo, Dupree, OJ and of course JBL all got it good. Booker pins JBL for his team’s win. Way to go Book. I was surprised.
9:58
Show’s over. A JBL/Booker T feud? I like where this is going. In this section I usually rate the show on a scale of one to ten but I’m not going to do that anymore because I don’t think it’s relevant. What is relevant is that Booker is looking interesting now (perhaps tweening) and Heidenrech is grotesquely amusing and not bad in the ring either (as long as he doesn’t really hurt anyone). I think it’s really stupid that they are saying Cena may have been “stabbed” (or “punctured” whatever) by Carlito. Wow. They had to have the Puerto Rican implicated with the knife right? Ouch. So much for breaking stereotypes. I know people do a lot of crazy shit to each other in the ring, but when it comes to people getting shot in the ass by tranquilizer darts or getting “stabbed” at night clubs, that just gets a little less “Smack Down” and a little more “NYPD Blue”. Anyway, the end of the month is drawing near and that means it’ll soon be time for Branded! My “month-in-review” analysis of the Raw and SD brands. Until next week, or whenever I see you, “be cool”.
