Brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime
His sister had another one, she paid it for a lime.
She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up
She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up
She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up
She put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up,
And said, “Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take,
I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?
I say, Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take,
I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?”
Has there ever been a more incoherent song? There was some serious narcotics involved when he penned that bad boy.
It’s me! Roland! Back from the holiday week where I did less work on this wrestling crap I don’t get paid for than ever! I did a “Best of RAW Rage 2003” and that was about it. Well, I did update Salty, but with my entire staff on vacation over there, it wasn’t easy to post news items on all the sections, so things were a bit slow. But, with the new year about to be here – I would expect BIG things in the future.
Also, there was no SmackDown Rage this week either. With TBL down due to server headaches and it being Christmas – I just decided that taking the day off was a good idea. I did watch the show on Christmas (after we tried seeing “Return of the King” and finding it sold out and since my PAYING job made me work on Friday – staying up to 3 in the morning watching that movie wasn’t an option) and I thought it was good. It was like watching a special house show with kayfabe out the window and weird matchups. And it was funny to see all of those soldiers do their chants in PERFECT unison. And they weren’t exactly a raucous crowd because they are too disciplined to go nuts or anything.
So, that was my wrestling week – but my Christmas was good too. I guess I was a good boy this year because Santy Claws brought me everything I wanted (except peace on earth…oh wait, I didn’t ask for that because I’m a tad too selfish to care about anyone other than myself).
The only thing that bothered me this week was when I was putting “Best of RAW Rage” together, I found out that I was a lot funnier in my earlier editions. As a matter of fact, I think I could make the case that I peaked around #3 and I’ve been coasting ever since. Maybe I should have taken the hint whenever Mrs. G would read RAW Rage and say, “It wasn’t as funny as normal.” Thanks dear. So, I’m making my New Year’s Resolution now to bring the quality of RAW Rage back up. No more slacking.
Of course, I have no idea how to accomplish this without it seeming forced, now that I’ve brought it up. Oh well, we shall overcome! I AM THE GREAT GIVER OF HILARITY! I CAN DO IT! My new slogan is: “More Better for 2004!” Wait…
Now, onto other matters. Concerning the RAW Rage Championship – I had one come in two weeks ago that would have won – but then I up and deleted it during the week hiatus. Opps. I’ll try to remember to save them like I do the questions for Ask Roland on SD Rage. My bad. Although, I will say that the RRC has suffered a bit since Jay went big time and got his own column. So, it could be possible that I might put the baby to bed, so to speak, if I don’t see an increase in interest. Do you want to have the RRC? If so, then email me to become RAW Rage Champion! Let’s see if that works or not.
Well, I’ve wasted enough space – it’s RAW Rage time!
RAW Rage #26
RAW IS MORE BETTER
12/29/03
From…well, I’m not sure. I don’t feel like checking either. Who cares anyway? Austin’s coming back, HBK will do the J.O.B. to HHH. What more do you want from me? Oh wait, it’s in San Antonio.
-Some James Bond movie is on. I can’t make fun of that, because James is just cool. I think SNG will be back on next week.
-We kick things off with a recap of Foley losing his pair two weeks ago and walking out with what was left of his manhood tucked between his legs. We get all of this complete with cheesy music.
-That singer gets the guns and the drugs for his generation and then GETS IT UP! WHY WON’T THEY WAKE UP???
-The board is in Stanford to decide Austin’s fate.
-Orton comes out to Foley’s music, looking smug. He believes that Mick may be a coward, but he is a “smart coward” for not getting a legend killing beat down like no other. So, Orton orders Lillian to pronounce him winner of the match and the New Hardcore Legend. I guess this doesn’t sit well with Booker T because he comes out and runs his mouth and challenges Orton tonight. Then Gigantor Henry hits him from behind and uses Booker’s head as a hammer to drive in a loose nail on the set. Orton accepts Booker’s challenge.
-Bischoff chastises Henry and Teddy for causing problems when the board will be watching. He wants things by the book tonight (not by the Booker…ouch, not a good joke there). Teddy wants to collect on their favor from Sur Ser. Bischoff sends them home for the night and promises they will get their favor next week. Bulee Dat.
-RVD puts the spliff down long enough to have a match against my personal Booty Daddy. Poor Scott. Anyone else remember the last time he mattered? Oops, I stopped paying attention during this match – much like RVD has done for the past year. Steiner continues his downward spiral and jobs to the 5-star.
-We get a “Heart Break Klassic” of the time that HBK pinned Sid.
-WWE Rewind of Jericho and Christian’s tiff last week.
-C&J argue backstage about Jericho picking girls over his buds. This is sooooo high school drama.
-Coach is in Stanford and is going to update us on the meeting. It hasn’t started yet. Because all of these high level meetings at Headquarters are always done around 10 PM Eastern. Screw regular business hours. Anyway, Linda is going to argue for Austin and Vince will argue against Austin. Vince speaks with Coach for a moment and says “Quite frankly” a bunch.
-We get a video of the Iraq trip for the SD Crew. The crowd starts the predictable “USA” chant.
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The Dudleys are singing a song for the new WWE Original’s CD. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
-The Duds express their disappointment in Foley for his walkout. Yeah, like anyone cares what they think. They are soooooo HARDCORE!
-Duds vs. Two Jobbers. Flair will be the guest ref. Uh, who are these jobbers on RAW? Am I recapping Heat instead? Flair DQ’s the Duds for using a closed fist. Ha! That Rules! Buh Buh puts his hands on Flair so Batista has to make an example out of both of them.
-Another Heart Break Klassic. HBK beats Trips at Summer Slam 2002.
-Bischoff talks to the refs and tells them that what Flair did should be an example to them. He wants them to assert their authority and call things with some law and order.
-Coach talks to Vince again. Vince just gave his argument and he rehashes it for us. He says that we need to move on from Austin…wait, that’s actually true. Then he shoots on the fans and calls us “children”.
-Stacey/Trish/Lita give and interview with Terry. They are going to have a “Happy Holidays” match tonight. But then drunk Austin drives his truck in and breaks everything up, almost killing people. He’s three sheets to the wind and the women better watch out. Debra was watching at home and called 911 five times.
-Sting of the (other) Night – Foley leaving…because we haven’t SEEN IT ENOUGH YET!
-Austin sits in his truck, drinking and waiting for a call. You know, there is an open beverage law here in Texas…
-Orton vs. Booker T (IC Title). Remember when Booker was fighting for the World Title at Wrestlemania? See what happens when you Job to the H’s? Booker gets close to getting a win but then Kane’s fire shoots off and Orton gets the RKO and scores the victory. Kane then beats the mess out of Booker because the WWE creative staff has no idea what to do with him.
-Another Heart Break Klassic (these are sooo the kiss of death for Shawn) – that time HBK beat Trippers in the first Elimination Chamber match.
-Coach interviews Linda. She actually shows some life in defending Austin. Did she get some acting lessons? Go Linda! It wasn’t exactly Hamlet or anything, but it’s an improvement.
-Jericho tries to give Trish a present for Christmas, but she tells him off. Then she fakes some crying…badly. Someone get her Linda’s acting coach. STAT!
-Austin has about passed out from drinking but his cell phone rings. It’s Debra begging him to stop tormenting her so by staring into the camera with his COLD, DEAD EYES! She swears to all around her that she slipped and fell into the doorknob! No wait – it was just some random call. Not the one Austin was looking for.
-Molly/Victoria/Jackie G vs. Stacey/Trish/Lita (Happy Holidays Match). This match will be wrestled with cute Christmas outfits. Victoria has pigtails going…oh my. In a funny moment – she takes out Jackie…just because. That’s why I like her. Trish pins Molly in a quick match and then Victoria helps Molly up and then takes her out with the belt. She’s the number one contender and all.
-Austin’s phone rings again and this time it’s the British wife who wants to know when the next child support check is coming in. Austin tells her, “I just DRANK IT ALL, DARLIN’!” Actually, it’s the stooges from Stanford. They offer him his Co-GM job back. Austin gets mad because that’s not what he told them he wanted. He tells them to take their job and shove it. Then he drives off with one of the studio lights hanging from the back, dragging on the ground.
-A replay of what you just saw.
-HBK vs. HHH (World Heavyweight Title). Lets see. It’s his hometown – their showing highlights of the guy – and he’s facing HHH. You might as well just play Vince’s theme song because this is already decided. Oh, and Trips has Flair with him. Hey, it looks like Trippers is going to grow the beard back. Good. He looked better with it. The crowd is super hot for HBK (and I know it’s his hometown. I just thought I would point it out). Pretty good match so far and they gave it a lot of time, which is unusual for RAW. Shawn really is putting on a good show. He hits the elbow on Trips and then tunes up the band but Flair distracts him and the ref gets bumped. Trips gets a DDT and Flair slides the belt in for HHH to use. He does and knocks Shawn out. The ref makes the count but HBK kicks out. Shawn reverses a pedigree and gets kicked for his trouble – but into the ref, who flies out. Bischoff comes out to tend to Hebner while HBK hits the H’s on an exposed turnbuckle. Bischoff comes in to count but he only gets 2. More back and forth until Shawn gets a very quick Sweet Chin on Trips and then Bisch. counts the three??? Holy cow! But Eric proclaims HHH the winner because Shawn had his shoulders down too. He shows the tape and he’s right, only there is no part of HHH covering HBK and that is necessary for a “by the book” pin. Oh well, I shouldn’t use logic in a wrestling show. So Shawn gets mad and takes out Bischoff and Flair. Bischoff fires Shawn but Austin’s music hits and he rehires HBK. And gives him a rematch somewhere down the road. And then he proclaims himself to be the new sheriff in town and stuns Bischoff. End show.
I must say, that last match was a lot of fun. 7 out of 10.
And the Rage goes on…
Let’s start off the stretch run with the TWW, shall we? I got two for today. The first is funny to me and will be to you if you’ve ever played Super Mario Brothers. Seems someone came along and made a flash movie about it and I stayed up waaaaay past my bedtime to watch all of it. You gotta see it. So click here and enjoy the fun. If you can make it past all that – I have this for you too. I hear that they are making a live action Transformer’s movie (since it has resurfaced since I was a kid…“Transformers! More than meets the eye! Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons!”) – and when I saw this, I marked out. I’m a bit of a geek though. Check out this movie that I hear is a test run on how to make the Transformers: Click Here to Geek-out too.
Next is the RRP. On Salty, you’ll notice that we have a Life section too. And we got this guy named “The Jef” who writes for it (The Jef is a friend of mine from High School). He wrote him a piece on what he does and doesn’t like about Christmas. Enjoy the mess that is F Aunt Mae and her stupid F’ing fruitcake.
Finally, I want to pimp the TBL Newsletter. Seems that Joe has written up a whole new page on what you can get if you sign up. So why not click right here and see what all the fuss is about. Since it takes me a lot of time to write the thing up every week and it’s free – I should think you would be nice enough to sign up for the thing and even if you just delete it from your inbox, I’ll never know because I just want you to sign up.
Yeah, okay- I’m done.
Roland
