~~~~~THE TBL NEWSLETTER~~~~~
Volume 3, Issue 16
____________________
Official Newsletter of:
The Balrog’s Lair
“Still an Internet Original!”
And
W.O.W Revolution
“It’s What You’ve Been Waiting For”
____________________
Guess Who’s Back?
It’s back, Back, BACK.
No, not the TBL Newsletter – but TBL itself. This past week, as many of you might have noticed, The Balrog’s Lair went down and no one knew what was going on. Well, it seems that the former Host of TBL decided last week it would be a good idea to crash the server without letting us (or anyone else) back up the website. So, for the whole week – TBL was down.
But, Joe was up to the task and did his best to get the site back up with a better host and server. So, we are back, baby. Hope you didn’t miss us too much.
But, the TBL Newsletter goes on and without delay (except my own laziness). So, we hope you had a nice Holiday and are ready for desert – a bunch of wrestling news and columns.
Enjoy!
Roland G
Editor-in-Chief
Check Out Roland’s Website: Salty Ham!
rolandg77@sbcglobal.net
____________________
Edge Update
It has been reported lately that Edge should be available to work WrestleMania XX. However, word going around WWE now is that they will save his return for the week after WMXX.
Source: Pro-Wrestling Torch VIP Updates
Mike Lozanski Passes Away
Calgary-based wrestler Mike Lozanski died in his sleep last Thursday. He was 35. Lozanski, better known as Mike Anthony, wrestled internationally and enjoyed a brief stint with ECW in 1999.
Source: 1wrestling
RVD Expected To Sign New Deal
Rob Van Dam is in talks with Jim Ross about a new contract. His current deal ends this summer. Talks are said to be going very smoothly and RVD is expected to sign on for a few more years.
Source: Wrestling Observer Newsletter
NWA:TNA Going National?
Jeff Jarrett’s big announcement is said to have something to do with TNA’s new TV deal with WGN. The show should begin airing on WGN starting in mid-January.
Source: Wrestling Observer Newsletter
Ultimo Upset – May Leave
Ultimo Dragon is upset with how the WWE has been using him since he signed with the company. His main motivation was to work Wrestlemaina, but now he feels he won’t even work the show. It’s very possible that he will now try to look for ways to get out of his current deal.
Source: Pro-Wrestling Torch VIP Updates
Goldust Let Go Early
Dustin Runnels (Goldust) has been released from his WWE contract early. His contract was set to expire in January but WWE had already made it known that they would not be re-signing him.
Runnels will work for Zero-One in Japan in 2004 and is also already looking for independent bookings.
Source: 411 mania
Wrestlers Involved In Writing Sessions
Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and Mick Foley have recently gotten very involved in the booking and scripting of RAW, working closely with Vince McMahon, which many feel is the reason that the show has improved. Before, many poor editions of RAW were the result of McMahon being busy and the writing team doing the script themselves without any input from “wrestling people.”
Source: Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter
WWE Explains The Brand Extension – More PPV’s?
On their corporate website, WWE posted a PDF on the investors page with FAQ’s. One of the questions is “What was the reason for the brand extension?” Here is the WWE’s official answer:
“The brand extension has enabled WWE to create two separate and distinct television shows that would provide the opportunity to develop and establish new WWE Superstars. The RAW and SmackDown! brands each have a touring company, thereby enabling us to increase the number of international live events yet lower the number of events at which each of our Superstars performs. Fewer events extend the careers of existing talent while provide more exposure to new talent. As well, there is the further opportunity to develop more pay-per-view events and distinctive consumer products. The company is considering increasing the number of pay-per-view events to 14 in fiscal 2005.”
Source: 1wrestling
Kurt Angle May Not Work Full Schedule
Many in the WWE are questioning whether Kurt Angle will ever be able to handle a full time schedule again. His neck seems to be getting worse and he may have to have neck fusion surgery sometime after WrestleMania XX. He will also have to stop doing more strenuous moves such as his suplexes when he returns in January. At this point, even after the fusion surgery and one year recovery period, he will probably not be able to work a full time schedule.
Source: Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter
Goldberg Update – May Not Work WMXX
Relations between WWE and Goldberg continue to go down the drain more or less. It is said that Goldberg threw a tantrum backstage after Armageddon, throwing tables and more, because he didn’t like being made to look bad in the ring. Management is looking at this as “strike two” and if there is another outburst – he may just be told to go home before his contract is up.
Goldberg would like to be booked like he was in WCW, where he was so dominant that he didn’t have to sell any of his opponent’s offence. But the WWE has booked him more as a pure babyface, where he goes through many rigors in order to rise above the heels.
Goldberg is also said to be frustrated over the fact that any house shows he’s headlined have not drawn better money, and as a result, he has not been given more than his $1.5 million downside guarantee. This was the point of his meeting with Vince McMahon backstage at RAW last week.
Goldberg apparently told Vince McMahon last Monday that he does not know what is good for him, thus lending credence to his reputation as not knowing anything about the business. Vince McMahon has grown frustrated with Goldberg because he doesn’t possess good mic skills and has been very limited as a performer.
Goldberg’s contract will end just after WrestleMania XX and the general feeling is it may be hard to convince him to lose on his way out, which could mean that he won’t even be booked for WMXX. Vince McMahon was strongly considering a Goldberg/Brock Lesnar Champion vs. Champion match at the show, but now that is not a sure bet.
There is still a possibility that the WWE will try and reach some kind of compromise so that Goldberg would be open to making guest appearances in the future.
Source: Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter
The WWE’s 50 Greatest of All Time List
The following wrestlers made the cut of WWE’s 50 Greatest of All-Time list (in no particular order):
Bret Hart, Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Honky Tonk Man, Ultimate Warrior, Killer Kowalski, Bob Backlund, Sgt. Slaughter, Roddy Piper, Don Muraco, Kurt Angle, Chief Jay Strongbow, Chris Jericho, Bobo Brazil, Bruno Sammartino, Mick Foley, Ivan Putski, Superfly Snuka, Razor Ramon, Argentina Rocca, Jake Roberts, Jimmy Valiant, George Steele, Billy Graham, Triple H, Steve Austin, Ted DiBiase, Wendi Richter, Yokozuna, King Kong Bundy, Buddy Rogers, Undertaker, Jesse Ventura, Shawn Michaels, Rick Steamboat, The Rock, Fabulous Moolah, Randy Savage, Brock Lesnar, Rick Rude, Iron Sheik, Ernie Ladd, Pedro Morales, Ken Patera, Gorilla Monsoon, Ric Flair, Kane, Junkyard Dog, Paul Orndorff, and Haystacks Calhoun. The most prominent names left out would include Kevin Nash, Curt Hennig, Fred Blassie, John Studd, Davey Boy Smith, Owen Hart, Trish Stratus, Tito Santana, Greg Valentine, Masked Superstar, Big Show, Lex Luger, Chyna, Sean Waltman, Terry Funk, Jerry Lawler, Chris Jericho, and Chris Benoit.
Source: Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter
Dick Slater Arrested For Attempted Murder
Dick Slater, who wrestled as Dick “The Rebel” Slater in the WWF during the late 1980s and in WCW in the early 1990s’ was arrested on Saturday for the attempted murder of his ex-girlfriend. Slater allegedly stabbed the girl (Theresa Halbert) three times. Slater was in the process of moving out of Halbert’s home when the attack took place.
Halbert was hospitalized following the attack but has been released.
Slater was found at another house, “apparently overdosed on pain medications he routinely takes for injuries suffered during his wrestling career.” Halbert said that Slater had threatened suicide after attacking her.
Source: 411mania
Wrestlemania XX Update
The latest plans for WrestleMania XX:
– Right now, it looks like Mick Foley & The Rock will team against two members of Evolution.
– Triple H will not be involved in that match, since the WWE would like him in a higher profile match.
– Steve Austin will most likely not work WMXX. There is talk of some kind of gimmick match involving Eric Bischoff.
– No members of the McMahon family have a planned match at this point.
– Edge is expected to be medically cleared for WMXX but management is favoring the idea of bringing him back the week after WMXX. However an Edge vs. HHH match has been talked about.
– Back when the Rock lost to Goldberg, it was agreed that he would get the return win at Wrestlemania. However, now it looks like Goldberg’s last match will be at WMXX and it is not likely that there will be another match. Although, things can change.
Source: Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter
_________________________
Affiliates!
If you would like to be a TBL and WOW Revolution Newsletter affiliate and have your website reach hundreds of mailboxes every week,email me and we’ll get your link in the Newsletter.
Visit our great affiliates!
Salty Ham
Confounded Accusations
UFC World.com
The Wrestling Journal
Roland G’s Blog
Vomit Comet
More affiliates to come!
__________________________
And now it’s time for the debut of the EXCLUSIVE new column on the TBL Newsletter:
THE CURRENT BIG NEWS!
By: The CURRENT Big Thing
E-mail: Click Here!
Website: Click Here!
Helllllllooooo, everyone, & welcome to the special CHRISTMAS Edition of The CURRENT Big Thing’s CURRENT Big News! Today, I’m hosting a very special Christmas celebration for all my wonderful Forumites out there. There have been many talks pertaining to WWE Divas appearing in Playboy lately. Seeing as WrestleMania is just around the corner, WWE has to try to advertise the PPV as much as possible, including in the form of nude pictures of beautiful women! In this edition of The CURRENT Big News, we’re sticking to the holiday spirit and we’re bringing you the ghost of Playboy Past, the ghost of Playboy present, and the ghost of Playboy future! That’s right, we’re taking a close look (and I do mean look) at the Divas in Playboy action.
The first WWF(E) Diva to ever appear on Playboy is Sable. Since then, others have followed, like Chyna and Torrie Wilson. If all goes well and the Hefner gods listen, we might be in for a special treat pre-WMXX. Word on the streets is that Sable and Torrie Wilson might appear TOGETHER in an upcoming Playboy edition. Both ladies have been tremendously successful with their appearances in the magazine, so just imagine the success both the WWE and Playboy would have if this dream does come true.
Although that may be potentially good news for all of us horny toads, some news is just heart-breaking to announce. Apparently, neither Lita, Trish Stratus nor Stacy Keibler are interested in appearing in Playboy. All three divas have been offered a hefty amount of money to appear in the magazine, and all three turned it down. Playboy recently offered Stacy a really good deal to satisfy our hunger, but posing nude and pleasing millions of viewers worldwide is not in her agenda right now.
Another WWE Superstar in talks with the Playboy Corporation is Vincent K. McMahon. No, he’s not going to appear in the magazine – God, I hope not – but it might be something worse, or better, depending on how well he plays his cards. Mr. McMahon himself has been trying to negotiate a deal with Playboy to buy the television network, “Playboy TV”. The WWE and Playboy are in great terms, and always have been, so a hand-me-down from good ol’ Hugh to Vince might not be out of the question. Two things worry me though:
1. Vince is never tired of appearing on TV. Time and time again Vince steals the spotlight from the real wrestlers on Smackdown! Would we see Vince and Linda go at it for hours in order to “boost” ratings?
2. Vince is known for failing when it comes to non-wrestling organizations. XFL anyone?
Still, could anyone imagine watching Torrie Wilson and her husband Billy Kidman jump on the sack? How ‘bout Lita and Version 1 ahhhhhhhh Matt Hardy? Not that any of that’s going to happen, but still, just a thought! I wonder if porn is going to have storylines and angles like WWE has. Will the REAL network for men change drastically if WWE owner Vince McMahon owns it? Nothing is certain, but keep those things in mind during the New Years…
Well, that does it for another edition of The CURRENT Big News! I hope everyone reading this has a very Happy Hanukkah or a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Years! Unfortunately, there will be no Boner this week – no one is responding in the forums like they used to. But, to liven up this horrifying situation, I have whipped up a very special treat for you Forumites. Tis the season to be jolly, and to spread my joy with the world, I have decided to give each and every one of you guys a gift. So if you don’t mind, please kick your wife, your mom, and/or your mother-in-law out of the room & enjoy…
The Ghost of Playboy Past, the Ghost of Playboy Present, and the Ghost of Playboy Future!
Merry Christmas to All!
_________________________
“ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE”
“YES VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA McMAHON””
OR
“SADDAM? SADDAM WHO?”
VISIT MY HOME PAGE: http://members.aol.com/samjerry
This weeks SmackDown was from Iraq and it really delivered. The WWE gave our heroes a show that they will long remember. As one of the organizers said, it was the best program he has ever seen in his many, many years of putting entertainment together for our heroes. Each and every one of the wrestlers, staff and all WWE employees are to be congratulated for the effort they put into making SmackDown the great program it was. This should also go a long way towards showing people a side of The Emperor they aren’t used to seeing.
The image most people have of The Emperor is that he is selfish and screws people every chance he gets. Hell, I have taken him to task more times than I can remember. He is certainly no Saint. He was the subject of an investigation into steroid use by wrestlers; that along with the other members of his family, he hogs the spotlight on NITRO II and SmackDown; and most of all for the infamous “Montreal Screw Job.” I constantly read Articles about how he “screwed” Bret Hart. Maybe “Bret screwed Bret.” There are some who worship at the altar of The Canadian Crybaby, and will never concede that maybe he shares some (any) of the responsibility for what happened.
Looking at what took place, did The Emperor do anything a boss in any other situation wouldn’t have done? Suppose you worked in a store and wanted to work the cash register today. The boss tells you that today he wants you to stock shelves. You don’t particularly feel like stocking shelves and tell him you’ll do it tomorrow; that today you are going to work the register. How long do you think you’d last in the job? For that matter, how long would any business last if the Indians tell the Chief which job they are going to do? Sure it’s an over simplification, but I think you get the idea. I fully understand where The Canadian Crybaby was coming from, but I also understand where The Emperor was coming from. You have to remember the Two Rules of Business:
Rule 1 – The Boss is always right.
Rule 2 – If the Boss is ever wrong, Revert to Rule 1
Everyone who works for someone else lives by those two Rules; The Canadian Crybaby forgot the Rules.
It’s time to heal. There are rumors that The Canadian Crybaby will make an appearance at Wrestlemania XX. I for one would love to see him there, and to bury the hatchet (and not in The Emperor’s thick skull). By taking SmackDown to Iraq, The Emperor showed us a side of him that many aren’t used to seeing. Let’s hope we see more of this side of him.
But I digress, although a member (albeit a “Non-employed” one) of NITRO II, Stone Cold Beer Man (SCBM) joined the SmackDown crew in Iraq. Along with Blondie, Our Lady of 1,000 Wrinkles and Dawn Marie, he was the one the troops cheered the most for. If you had any doubt he’d be back, I think you can rest easy. Since he was there with SmackDown, I can see the rumors starting that he is moving over. Grandpa Dudley isn’t betting The Acme Corporation on it.
The people were in an active war zone and wore flak jackets and helmets where ever they traveled. They were shown leaving on a military DC-10, and it didn’t look like the most comfortable way to fly. Our troops deserve the best and that’s what they got. Hat’s off to everyone who made the trip. If you missed SmackDown, you missed a great and moving program. It shows what The WWE is capable of. Hopefully the spirit will carry over to 2004.
As an aside, I happened to overhear HHH’s New Year’s Resolutions and thought I’d share them with you. He plans to give others a chance to be World Champion. He also plans to use the digital camera The Princess gave him for Christmas to take pictures of the pigs he see flying over The Castle. HHH and The Princess resolved to become parents in 2004. They have picked out a name for their son (you expected different)? They plan to name him HHHH, and expect him to become The World Champion in 2022, succeeding daddy. They also resolved to have a daughter as their second child, and plans are for her to join mommy on SmackDown as Co-GM.
Happy New Year to all, and to all a Good Night.
_________________________
Since it’s the holidays and since the server went down and since Julian is taking the week off with the “Two Sheds Review” AND since most of you probably didn’t get a chance to read it – I’m going to include (this one time only) my “Best of RAW Rage 2003” special from this past week. I hope you love it:
So there isn’t any confusion – I am NOT recapping a “Best Of” show. I’ll do new shows, but I’m not Raging on old stuff that I’ve already done. So, this is a compilation of some of my best stuff from RAW Rage past. Hey, if the WWE can do it, so can I. This will be fashioned just like a normal RAW Rage (only a bit longer), only with some of what I consider to be my best stuff. Basically, I’m patting myself on the back. Again though, if the WWE can do it, so can I. And if these memories of good times past make you want to read some of my old RAW Rages – go over to Salty Ham and you’ll see my entire archive. Merry Christmas everyone!
BEST OF RAW RAGE 2003:
RAW Rage is carried on Salty Ham Wrestling, The Balrog’s Lair, and now WOW Revolution. Visit them all.
House lights dim – video goes up…A song resonates throughout the area:
It’s time to read the rage…..
TIME TO READ THE RAGE!!
Hahahaha
It’s all about RAW Rage, and how you read it
All about my ego, and if you can feed it
All about your hit, and you already clicked it
It’s all about this page, and who’s gonna stick with it
I am the rage, you so wanna read me
I am Roland, you wish you could be me
I have heavy hits, no way you can graze me
I am the rage, and lame, this parody has made me
Look over your shoulder, ready to run
Like a spare columnist from Wrestling One!
I am the rage and I’ve changed the rules…
Well, actually, I didn’t actually change any rules – I just write this column about Raw and stuff and…oh crap, the song is still going! Does it ever end?
Try to figure out what my rank’s gonna be
From one to ten, why don’t you ask me?
Don’t you forget my ego must be fed
Cause I am the Rage and I want to be read
It’s time to read the Rage
Hahaha
TIME TO READ THE RAGE!!!
Then I spit water all over myself and all over you. [From RAW Rage #3 7/7/03]
Hello and welcome to the first ever RAW Rage, my small attempt to merge the fun of a recap and the seriousness of a column – all packaged into a neat, little hybrid. My name is Roland and I will be your guide. For those of you that might be a little afraid, don’t be. Just take my hand and by the time were finished, you might just find yourself to be a little entertained as well as possessing a shiny new outlook on things. Some of you might read this to find out what happened on RAW, others might read to see what I thought about RAW, and still others of you might read because you are so bored out of your mind and wasting a few minutes of your life reading this seems like a good idea. Whatever your reason, I thank you for the click and I hope to not let you down. [From RAW Rage #1 6/23/03]
Okay, before we go any further – I have to report on this. I don’t think it will wait until the newsletter this weekend. We all know about the “Royal Wedding” this past weekend between Steph and Jean Paul. I mean, this is the only wedding that wrestling fans will ever care about that isn’t a work. So, I got this from popup Bob over at 1wrestling:
One item of note was Michael Hayes grabbing the mic and singing “Jailhouse Rock.” He then later went on stage again which upset the band, leading Hayes to sing solo while mixing in some bad language. Linda McMahon finally went on stage and took the mic from him. Most were shocked at Hayes’ behavior considering how big a day it was for the McMahon family. Many were also embarrassed by his actions as it made the event more of a “wrestling wedding” rather than a classy affair. Many asked Hayes why he acted like he did, to which he replied “a Freebird is always a Freebird” in reference to the wrestling character he once played.
I don’t have one thing to add to that – because, really – it speaks for itself. “A Freebird is always a Freebird” HAW HAW HAW HAW!!! Is there any one of us that wouldn’t have paid money to hear that rendition of “Jailhouse Rock?” [From RAW Rage #18 10/27/03]
Hope you had a nice weekend and are all ready for another week of me, me, and more ME! Hey, I saw something funny on the website this past week. Have you ever looked at the staff contacts page? Yeah, probably not – but sometimes I get bored and just like to see my name. It’s an ego thing – just move on. So, I was looking at it here and I noticed that I am now a Lieutenant General for the website. How’s that for upward mobility? I’ve only been around here for four month and already I’m a lieutenant. So, excuse me for a moment while I address Vining, Magee, Needham, and Patel. You boys repeat after me, “THIS IS MY RIFLE! THIS IS MY GUN! THIS IS FOR FIGHTING! THIS IS FOR FUN!!!” What is that, Magee? IS THAT A JELLY DONUT? I think we have a CODE RED here boys. I expect the rest of you to put bars of soap in your pillowcases and beat him while he sleeps tonight. And if I get court-martialed – this will be my defense:
“Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? YOU? You, Commander Balrog? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Vining and curse the TBL Army; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Magee’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.
You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you want me on that wall, you NEED ME on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use them as the backbone of a life trying to defend this website. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said ‘thank you,’ and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a darn what you think you are entitled to.”
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! GOD BLESS US ALL!!!
Okay, my power trip is over now. Let’s move on. [From RAW Rage #17 10/20/03]
So, how was your weekend? Mine was fantastic. Aside from SS, all my boys came over the house for our Fantasy Football draft and a good time was had by all. But even more than that, my boy D-Rock (you can sometimes find him on our message boards. We’re old friends) hooked me up with a SWEET deal (read: employee discount) and I got a 32 Inch, Flat Screen, Sony Television (which will be known from here on out as The Big, Big TV) at a fraction of what I would have paid without him. D-Rock, you are the MAN. D-Rock! [From RAW Rage #9 8/25/03]
Okay, what’s next? Oh, you might enjoy hearing the story about the big, big TV. You know, the 32 inch, flatscreen Sony television I bought with the help of D-Rock from the forums? Yeah, well that thing is busted. Mrs. G was watching TV late on Friday night and fell asleep on the couch. An audible “POP” awoke her from her slumber and she saw that the television was off. Rather than wake her sleeping husband about his baby, she decided to go to bed and wait until the next morning to tell someone. After much crying and shouts of, “WHY? WHY ME?”, I called the repair guy to come out and fix it. He came today and after wasting three hours of my life, he turns to me and says, “Well, I’m had to order some parts. They should be mailed to you around the 16th. After that, I’ll come back and put them in and see if that will fix it because I’m not too sure what the problem is.” Not too sure what the problem is? The 16th? APSOKJFA[PSO ERJIOAN;ASDFWD ASOPIJD[OPIIA. That was me, banging my head against the keyboard. So now I have to lug the tiny, tiny TV into the living room to watch RAW tonight. Thanks D-Rock! The TV’s not even TWO MONTHS OLD YET! [From RAW Rage #15 10/6/03]
And just looking at how far we’ve come over this short amount of time makes me wonder what RAW Rage #3269 will look like…[begin flash forward now]
Hello everybody! Before we start the Rage for this week, I thought I would mention that I won’t be able to eat a Klondike bar during the Dudley Title match or even during the Steiner vs. Test “For the Services for Stacey” Match because my doctor says I’ll go into a diabetic coma. So, instead of that, I’ll be drinking Metamusal so I can stay regular. There is nothing worse than being stopped up all week before Smackdown…[back to present]
NOOOOO! THE HORROR! [From RAW Rage #14 9/29/03]
Now that the unpleasantness is out of the way, we can move on to the RAW Rage Champ for the week. Not much of a battle this week as it continues to prove to be a two-man fight. I guess the rest of you out there are content on being LOSERS that CAN’T BEATH THESE GUYS. And here I thought you were all big-time wrestling Geeks that thought you knew more than anybody. Guess I was wrong. Don’t like what I’m saying? Too bad – because there is only one way to prove me wrong: Email me.
So, defending Champion Mookie went toe-to-toe in a rematch extravaganza with Violent Jay. I must say, this feud has become epic. It’s a serious clash of titans when these two enter the ring to face off. And after Mookie’s dramatic win last week – one could only wait with anticipation to see these two collide again. Would Jay be able to win back what he believes is rightfully his? Or would Mookie slap Jay back down to the mid-card? Let’s find out who won: [From RAW Rage #12 9/15/03]
Raw Rage:
Let’s look at this weeks “winner”.
“Triple H called me first (we cool like that)” – Suuuuuureeee you were stalking him and somehow found his phone number and after posing as Steph in an Emergency, you got through to him.
“So since the two of us are buddies and I was a little short on money I decided to help him out. The next day I jumped in my H2 Hummer” – Riiiiighhht, You mean since the 2 of you are butt buddies you consoled him by giving him “a hummer”.
“well since then I was in the hospital selling the injuries.” -You really mean that you were at the hospital treating a STD you got from the H’s.
“I was really busy these last couple of weeks with work, school, new girlfriend (you know how that is), illness in the family and a little trip to Germany.” Translation = I was really busy flipping burgers and spanking my monkey, and I had a trip to Branson.
Some tips:
There’s nothing more annoying than replacing everyone’s name with annoying names. One funny name is alright but when you do it with every rassler it just shows you have nothing to talk about except the wrestler’s name and not the actual content. It’s really easy. Type a Wrestler’s name, type your comment. Calling Scott Steiner, Scott Steroids is stupid and no one thinks it’s funny. Just type his name and be done with it.
This is what your email looked liked to people not named you:
Hurri-I stole that guys-Cane looked good against the Open Book Test.
See not funny and annoying. Stop it. For the love of everything sacred stop.
Luckily I have been bored with the Rage Reader championship and you just happened to be the filler champ. Hopefully someone, ANYONE, will step up.
Peace
Jay
P.S. Roland you can forward this to the champ if you want. [From RAW Rage #22 11/24/03]
Let me throw in this: JAY IS YOUR KING! HE IS YOUR CHAMPION! RESPECT HIM AND BOW TO HIM AND LET HIM SHOOT SNOT ROCKETS ON YOU BECAUSE HE IS MAN ENOUGH TO WRITE HIS THOUGHTS TO ME! Good job, Champ. Keep them coming. (email me, email me, email me, email me, email me.) [From RAW Rage #15 10/6/03]
WWE RAW
Coming to you with a ten second tape delay (to filter out the cussin’) from Buffalo, New York (0 for 4 in Super Bowl’s, but #1 in our hearts). [From RAW Rage #2 6/30/03]
-I start off by catching the end of Star Trek. Captain Jean Luc Picarrd (oh who cares if I spelt it right or not) is kissing some woman – thereby both fulfilling the dreams and passing by every geek that religiously follows this show. [From RAW Rage #5 7/21/03]
-HERE COMES THE MONEYYYYYY! HERE COMES THE MONEY. MONEY MONEY. DOLLA DOLLA. Shane-O is sick of people telling him that something bad is gonna happen to him. If it’s to happen, why not now, he muses. So Bischoff comes out, much like Lenny and Squiggy always did on Lavern and Shirley whenever someone said something nasty about something (“Hello!”). [From RAW Rage #10 9/1/03]
-Here comes the Mack and Rosie – but even more importantly, here comes Teddy Long, Playa! Teddy is mad because Jazz lost her title without being eliminated in the battle royal last week. Then he starts giving Rosie some boxing lessons when all of a sudden we are taken backstage to see Dreamer getting carted out on a stretcher. Coach is screaming, “WHO DID THIS!?!” And I ask the same question about them taking away from Teddy’s promo. Buh Buh thinks he knows who did it. [From RAW Rage #3 7/7/03]
-Linda Interview. She shows that winning personality of hers and updates usssss. . . . . WHOOPS! Fell asleep there. Basically she says nothing until her doorbell starts ringing like crazy and Bischoff lets himself into the house. And he goes for it. GO FOR IT ERIC! GET YOU SUMTIN’ SUMTIN’! VINCE IS WITH SOME FLOOZY OVER ON SMACKDOWN – LINDA NEEDS TO LIVE A LITTLE! [From RAW Rage #8 8/18/03]
-Teddy Long then leads all the heels in the back in a chant to get Austin out. Everyone chants except for Dreamer who doesn’t hate the game, but rather, hates the playa. Silly Tommy – Hating is wrong. [From RAW Rage #4 7/14/03]
-JR finally comes down to the booth and kicks Coach out. How cool would it have been if Coach just decked him? GROW A PAIR COACHMAN! YOU’LL NEVER BE MORE THAN A TWO BIT INTERVIEW GUY IF YOU DON’T TAKE SOME INITIATIVE! [From RAW Rage #7 8/11/03]
-After the break, we find that Rico has been bludgeoned too. It’s beat up a Mid-card guy day! Someone go find Spike! Rico tells Austin that it was Kane that did it. Stool pigeon. [From RAW Rage #3 7/7/03]
-Our “smart internet” fan poll for the night: Should JR press charges against Kane? Did anyone read this week where the WWE is suing a wrestling web site for copyright infringement because they recap the shows? Guess what, everyone – I might be out of a gig if they win. How pathetic. The WWE further demonstrates that it hates its hardcore fans to the point that they would sue them. It’s enough to make you want to go over there and beg Shane to let you “take care of” Vince for him. So, by reading me, you might be helping me break the law. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!! [From RAW Rage #5 7/21/03]
-Earlier Tonight – Evolution arrives. Some anonymous woman tries to run up to Trips but is backed away by a security guard. Let’s have a WWE poll on whether she was paid to do that. Stephanie had her killed after the show. R.I.P. [From RAW Rage #1 6/23/03]
-Speaking of Trish, Test hit on her backstage. But she’s all, “I just like you as a friend, loser.” And he’s all, “No way, babe. I’ll force you to like me like every frat-guy stereotype there is.” And she’s all, “Don’t touch me, rat nose!par “” Then Test gets physical, prompting Big Slow Daddy Diesel Sexy to make a save. Heh, the last two threats to Trip’s belt are now fighting Test. That’s what I call “Keeping `em down!” [From RAW Rage #3 7/7/03]
The H’s and Flair talk with Bisch and they make some kind of deal. Then Flair caresses Trips face all lovingly and both Theodore and I get very uncomfortable.
-I still feel sick, playa. [From RAW Rage #6 8/4/03]
-Booker T/Hurricane/Rosey vs. Steiner/ Test/Henry. Can you say, “filler?” Stacy isn’t out there with Test, but we get no word on what happened with that. Within the match, Mark Henry was, “Dominating, Dominating, DOMINATING! According to Ross, anyway. [From RAW Rage #23 12/8/03]
-The Duds vs. Jericho and Storm. As soon as the Duds music hits, my body slumps as my life force escapes my body. Lance may really be boring (and he is, Mark-boy) – but the Duds are enough to make me want to poke my eyes out. I liked them both better when they wore glasses and Buh Buh had a stutter. Jericho did his little cocky dance and my wife squealed. I tried to do it and she broke out into hysterical laughter. Lance gets pinned after some miscues that lead to a 3D. Any match with the Duds is a bad one and not even Jericho could save it. [From RAW Rage #1 6/23/03]
-Backstage, RVD confronts Bischoff saying that he wants Kane in the ring. Bischoff says he will get it next week – so Rob lights a fatty and just chills for the night. [From RAW Rage #4 7/14/03]
-Kane give JR his present before the interview. It’s a gas can. Kane says that JR better behave and not make fun of him, or he’s gonna get burned. Not to worry, JR – the only thing that happens to you when you get touched by Kane’s fire is you end up looking like Bull from Night Court. [From RAW Rage #4 7/14/03]
-Then Kane decks a security guard (Ah, don’t worry about that Kane – Security Guards = Rent-a-cop). [From RAW Rage #13 9/22/03]
-Storm comes out to try and impress Rob Riner (I spelled that wrong) who is in the audience. But he gets cut off because Kane is here. He’s chained and brought in by a dozen or so guards. Hey, wait. Bald, ugly, walks with guards – KANE IS THE NEW GOLDBERG! [From RAW Rage #5 7/21/03]
-Goldberg comes out to the ring and grabs a mic (oh no). Goldy tries to talk but the mic is not on in the area…kinda like the H’s problem a few weeks ago. HAHAHAHA. But he quickly flips a switch and fixes it instead of saying “Hello” 8000 times. [From RAW Rage #16 10/13/03]
-Bischoff vs. Kane. It’s still really cool to see Kane come out with guards all shackled up. He smiles at JR and JR calls him a “stinky, filthy monster” (that’s what I heard anyway). Bisch tries to lay down for Kane to cover him, but Kane makes like he is going to chokeslam Bisch. But then he stops and leaves the ring. RUN KANE! RUN AND GET YOUR FREEDOM! LIKE CHIEF FROM “ONE FLEW OVER THE COOCOO’S NEST!” RUN BEFORE NURSE RATCHED CAN GET YOU! He doesn’t. He just stands their and gets counted out. [From RAW Rage #7 8/11/03]
-Wait a minute…is that a car crashing? Yep. MICK FOLEY comes out. THIS IS THE BEST RAW EVER! IN THE HISTORY OF EVER! [From RAW Rage #22 12/1/03]
-Trish vs. Molly (Women’s Title). You know, when Molly lost the blonde hair, she gained the manish, Chyna-like chin. A whole bunch of grunts and puppy jokes later, Gail Kim interferes and attacks both Trish and Molly. So Molly wins by DQ. [From RAW Rage #8 8/18/03]
-Trippers is going to make a major announcement tonight because his life isn’t complete unless he is on RAW in some fashion. [From RAW Rage #14 9/29/03]
-La Resistance come out and try to talk. I am transported back to the 80’s immediately. It was a simpler time. Regan was president, the cold war was winding down, New Coke came out, The Go Go’s were still hot and not as fat. Good times. [From RAW Rage #8 8/18/03]
-TEEEEDDDDDYYYYY LOOOOONNNNNGGGG gives Austin a what-for for bumping Mack and Fatty from the show. RVD walks up and tells Austin he would like to curtain jerk next Monday instead of headline. He wants the cage match to be first on the show. [From RAW Rage #10 9/1/03]
-The H’s have a new commercial for that Y(2)J Stinger crap where he buries some regular guy and holds him down until he is useless to the “booking of life”. WHEN WILL IT ALL END?!? [From RAW Rage #11 9/8/03]
-Evolution chill in their locker room when the jobbers and Maven bust in to try and attack but are thwarted by those crafty referees! Curses! [From RAW Rage #13 9/22/03]
Trish listens to some messages on her cell phone when Lita comes in and DEMANDS to know if one of those messages was from Jericho. What a snoopy-snoop-snoop. Mind your own business, Lita! Well, Trish says she did get a message. Lita doesn’t like all this attention from Jericho and Christian and she’s gonna do some investigating. The way she interrogated Trish – you’ll believe she’ll get to the bottom of it, too. [From RAW Rage #18 10/27/03]
The Glass Breaks and out comes Austin. You know, Austin should be the Texan on Joe Millionaire. At the elimination ceremonies he could go up the one he doesn’t pick and say, “Sorry, darlin’. I didn’t pick you.” KICK! WHAM! STUNNER! [From RAW Rage #17 10/20/03]
-I make Mrs. G mad by getting too excited when Victoria comes out. She looks good though. But let me personally apologize to the wife. Sorry honey (Roland = whipped). [From RAW Rage #12 9/15/03]
-We are JIP (Joined in Progress) of Lance giving a speech about how he is not boring while the crowd tells him he is. He’s all, “Nuh uh,” and they’re all, “Uh huh,” and then Goldberg’s music hits and everyone is quiet. We are about to witness Lance get squashed by Goldberg (something we have already seen) when The Mack tries a sneak attack from behind on Goldy. But, that didn’t really work for him because Goldberg is a monster and all and he SQUASHED the Mack with a quickness. Then Goldy has about a million facial ticks causing those that are epileptic watching to have a seizure. My wife mentions that when Goldy gives us his INTENSE grin, he looks like he has no teeth. Goldy picks up poor little Mack and Jackhammers him for good measure and then does the tick/gum look at us again. [From RAW Rage #2 6/30/03]
-Kane comes to the ring and so do the cops to make sure that Shane isn’t coming down. Kane looks good with the fake bruises. Kane rehashes the Linda piledriver. He says that inflicting pain turns him on – much like cold bodies…you know, cause of Katie Vick and all. Hey, they can’t all be comic gold, you know. [From RAW Rage #17 10/20/03]
-Trish and Lita walk by backstage and we hear out of nowhere, “Camera six! Camera six ready! Worst case scenario, camera six!” Ha Ha! I love technical snafus. [From RAW Rage #13 9/22/03]
-Flair goes into one of his GREAT promos and Shawn stares at him like a mongoloid. Flair spurs HBK on to take out Goldberg tonight. Shawn just walks away. Wuss. [From RAW Rage #16 10/13/03]
-Man, Mark Henry must have ate every bit of sexual chocolate there is because he is huge. Dude, lose some weight, Giagantor! [From RAW Rage #12 9/15/03]
-Dupree and Conway (with Sylvan) vs. Hurricane and Rosie. What is this crap? Where are the Dudley’s??? I can’t concentrate on this match because I want my sugar rush from the Klondike Bar. [From RAW Rage #13 9/22/03]
-Next Generation is on. Troy is dressed up like a Romulan and saves the Enterprise but sacrifices herself as she is about to get executed. It’s a tense moment that actually points to a two parter. But then the Enterprise just beams her aboard their ship and everything is wrapped up in less than a minute. Wow, how convenient. Did WWE writers write this show? [From RAW Rage #14 9/29/03]
-Lugs wants you to buy their shoes by showing you a recap of Hurricane and Rosey from last week. [From RAW Rage #7 8/11/03]
-We interrupt this match to bring you footage of Kane’s bloody body being carted to the ambulance. Wait, shouldn’t the cops go arrest…WHAT AM I SAYING??? Sorry, I almost used my brain there. We can’t do that during wrestling, as you well know. [From RAW Rage #15 10/6/03]
-You can sign the petition if you have a computer. I assume that you have one. Makes sense to me since you are reading this… [From RAW Rage #22 12/1/03]
-Stacey cheers all of this but Scott pushes her into Austin and flees. Austin offers Stacey a beer, but she won’t drink it. So, Austin opens it for her, she sips, but doesn’t like it. So…get this…AUSTIN STUNS HER??? I’m dumbfounded. Nice message to the male fans WWE. If the gal you just saved from a beating won’t drink with you…ah, just stun her. [From RAW Rage #16 10/13/03]
-Triple H is apparently not content with ruining careers on RAW only, so he will be doing to on Heat against Maven. [From RAW Rage #3 7/7/03]
-They show Clinton Portis getting a World Title Belt on the sidelines of a Bronco’s game. Cause this is my United States of WHATEVER! [From RAW Rage #25 12/15/03]
-Evolution plan their party. But Orton sees Maven and punks him out. Then he turns around and Shawn is waiting for him. After some lovely banter – Shawn gives Randy such a slap! Girls – let’s not fight! [From RAW Rage #12 9/15/03]
-Orton and Flair are interviewed by Terri. They both guarantee that the money will be collected tonight. Flair tells Maven to strap on his jet pack because the Nature Boy is coming. WOOOO! (I don’t even know what that means, but I still laughed at it). [From RAW Rage #17 10/20/03]
-Some sick person has a “Bells Palsy 3:16” sign. That’s horrible. Terrible. Evil. Funny. [From RAW Rage #23 12/8/03]
-Wack O’ The Night (which tells you that having a disgusting, filth infested apartment; sneaking out late and stealing your dad’s keys to go to a party; and going into some dark alleyway to get your tongue pierced by some freak with bad teeth are all better than smoking): Kane whuppin on Shane from 2 weeks ago. [From RAW Rage #8 8/18/03]
-Jindrak and Cade come to Orton about the bounty. They beat Orton up and steal the case and run like the wind. Ha Ha! I like Jindrak and Cade now. Best Tag-Team ever. [From RAW Rage #17 10/20/03]
-JR calls Fred Durst “All Man” and I get uncomfortable. [From RAW Rage #18 10/27/03]
-Maven interferes and Flair gets pinned. That’s right – Flair did the JOB to a rookie. HOW’S THAT H’S? THAT’S WHY YOU’LL NEVER BE AS GREAT AS HIM! [From RAW Rage #18 10/27/03]
-Kane strokes an ambulance and cuts a promo for his match with Shane. In it, he forces us all to go into a dream sequence where we are on a stretcher going into the ambulance while EMT’s attend to us. How does Kane do that? This isn’t the first time that he has induced dreams on the audience. Maybe Kane’s next gimmick should be “The Dream Weaver!” [From RAW Rage #19 11/3/03]
-The Duds vs. Steiner (with a reluctant Stacey) and Mark Henry (with a willing Teddy) (Non Title). Cade and Jindrak watch backstage. So, since I don’t care about this match, let me ask you John – I hear your making a rap CD.
You know it.
At least promise me this: when you go to advertise it – don’t do like Macho man. Every time I go to 1wrestling, I have to be scared out of my mind when all of a sudden, I hear, “CLICK HERE AND BUY MY CD. OH YEAH!”
The Macho has no skills. I used to be a fan. But his raps are as bad as his fighting. He lost to Spiderman. When he talks, I get scared. Seeing all those neck veins. I wouldn’t listen to that guy rap. I’d rather be beat with a hundred canes. [From RAW Rage #20 11/10/03]
-Molly chooses Eric Bischoff (???). How dumb. She should have picked Goldberg or something. He never looses. GLASS CEILING! [From RAW Rage #21 11/17/03]
-JR vs. The Coach in a (leather) country strap match. Jericho comes out to help with the commentating. After some whipping – some running – some screaming, Bischoff tries to interphere. But he gets whipped and JR gives the Coach a stunner and gets the pin. Boy, Coach and Snow were short lived. The King runs out to congratulate his friend on the win. Jericho ended up being a better announcer than all four of them. Austin, I guess, stole that fan’s ticket and hops into the ring to raise JR’s hand and drink beer with them. Jericho sums things up so far by saying, “This night sucks.” [From RAW Rage #14 9/29/03]
-It is at this point that you see Jackie’s nipple as it pokes out. I hope you set your VCR’s boys. [From RAW Rage #21 11/17/03]
–Batista (with Flair) vs. Maven. Lebron James is in da hizouse. Poor Maven. He gets swallowed whole by big Batista. [From RAW Rage #19 11/3/03]
-Trish was listening in on the whole conversation (although, she could have just watched the show and she would have known). How can you mend a broken heart? [From RAW Rage #22 12/1/03]
-JR goes for a record amount of strokes about the Goldberg situation. Dude – calm down. [From RAW Rage #25 12/15/03]
-My Favorite Wrestler vs. Goldberg (with Steve Austin as Enforcer). The H’s and Flair will help with commentary. I pray for my fantasy stable that Orton wins this so I can get points. The ref gets bumped (theme of the night) and Austin takes over as ref. This upsets Flair, so he goes down and pulls Austin out of the ring. I guess that’s provocation because Austin stuns Flair and leads Randy right into a Spear. Goldy gets his Jackhammer and that’s all she wrote. But all of a sudden Nash attacks him from behind while H’s laughs. Then HBK gives him the Sweet Chin Music. Then Jericho gives HBK a chair to the back. Ross goes insane, basically left without anything else to say other than, “SUMMERSLAM! SUMMERSLAM! SUMMERSLAM! SUMMERSLAM!” Then it goes off the air. [From RAW Rage #8 8/18/03]
What an odd show. It gets a 0 out of 10 and you all know why. [From RAW Rage #25 12/15/03]
Like that jobber in “Star Wars” said when he almost blew up the Death Star but got his butt blown up by Darth “Don’t Mess With Me” Vader: “Almost…there.” [From RAW Rage #15 10/6/03]
Many of you that are in college are now getting finished with your Finals and are looking to unwind. Looking to go home and waste a little time trying to hook up with that old girlfriend you had in high school. Maybe check out if the old gang still hangs out in the parking lot of Taco Bell every Friday Night. Maybe stroll by the old High School and reminisce about how you used to be important – as opposed to college, where no one gives two craps about you. And, inevitably, you are going to have to be stuck at home, trying to justify those grades you’ve been getting to your parents who are footing the bill for you to party instead of study – and you will get bored. So, instead of going on mom’s computer and looking up those “other” websites (you know what I’m talking about) to waste some time – why not let Roland help you. I got your back, dawg. I can help you waste those long hours of space you spend at home with mom and dad. That’s why I do things like the TWW every week in RAW Rage. For you. My people. So, first of all – I want you to go here and check out one of the local news reports we got after the Dallas Cowboys lost to the New England Patriots and see if you can detect something wrong going on in the background. Click Here (this is probably not “work safe”). I’m going to be nice and give you more than one today. Again, if you are home from college – you may be into smoking something other than tobacco (and if you are – SHAME ON YOU!!!). If so, then go here. Watching it for 30 seconds drove me crazy – and I don’t do the stuff YOU PEOPLE do (don’t you see those commercial? Hugs – not drugs, people). [From RAW Rage #24 12/8/03]
DONE! DONE I SAY! Well, not quite. A few items for you, my loyal readers. First, let’s all take a trip to Funville and look at these particular websites! You know I make your day with these. First, look at this and tell me you can’t have fun for hours:
It’s SUPER GREG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can watch that for days and never get tired of it.
Next we have this:
yes, this confuses me too.
And finally, some dirty pictures (Please don’t go here):
http://www.richstevens.com/naked.swf [From RAW Rage 7 8/11/03]
Ah, the TBL Newsletter. Can anything be more perfect? Probably – but we try real hard. Here’s what you get when you sign up. First, I’m the editor, so you know there’s going to be some shenanigans. Next, you get exclusive columns delivered to your mailbox like The Two Sheds Review, The Readers Column, Rounding the Squared Circle – and, debuting last week – Eddie’s Rundown from our very own Eddie of N&A Fame! You just gotta sign up for this! Either click here or put your email in that little box below to get this INCREDIBLE newsletter that keeps you up to date on all the big news of the week and all the columns you can’t get on the website. DO IT!!!
Finished! [From RAW Rage #14 9/29/03]
And that’s it. I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane. I’ll be back next week to do RAW and start a new legacy of greatness. Have a Merry Christmas!
Roland
Visit Salty Ham!
Email Me to become RAW Rage Champion!
_________________________
Leaving You
Well, that’s about it. Since TBL was down for the week, there isn’t much for me to plug – so just go there and see all the new stuff they are adding daily.
My head hurts.
Happy New Year!
Roland G
Check Out Roland’s Website: Salty Ham!
rolandg77@sbcglobal.net
____________________
Copyright © 1999 – 2003
