Sorry about the super delay on this. Mavericks Games and being busy did me in.
SmackDown Rage is carried on Salty Ham, TBL, and WOW Revolution. Visit them all!
In honor of the greatest Christmas movie ever made, we will be having quotes from A Christmas Story all this month:
Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: Football? Football? What’s a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out ‘football’.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.
So, I don’t know what to talk about.
I could give you all a Best Buy update, but I think I’m going to chronical the whole thing for a Life article on Salty Ham. But I do think we are drawing closer to some closure there. Suffice as to say – I am still without my TV, but (and I don’t want to be too presumptious here), we are getting close to seeing the end of the saga.
Or, I could go on and on about how great I am. Stroking my ego is always fun for me, but I’m unsure how fun it is for you. So, I’ll give you a Christmas present and let that alone until I forget and start up again (probably somewhere near the middle of Ask Roland.
I could plug Salty Ham until you get sick from it – but I do that anyway and you all have probably been to the website already. Either you like it or you don’t, quite frankly. We are hiring – if you are into writing. Go over there and get the details.
Or – I could give season’s greetings to my co-workers here at TBL. That sounds good. Let’s do that (since there is a very FAT chance that there will be a SD Rage on Christmas itself – unless I do a “best of” like I’m doing for RAW next week).
To Eddie: Dude, you are my favorite guy over here on TBL. You write a great article and are always a really nice person to talk to. You never talk down to anyone or act like you’re better than anyone. And for a guy that’s 18 years old – you are wise beyond your years. Merry Christmas.
To Trevor: You really are the doctor around here. I always know when I click on your columns that you are going to give me something to think about. I may not always agree with what you write – but having a real opinion is what column writing is all about. Plus, you make us think and that’s cool. Merry Christmas, Doc.
To Vining: Ah, the canary. We haven’t ever spoke to each other, but I want you to know that I read everything you write. And it’s good to see someone enthusiastic about what they’re doing. I love that you’re always upbeat in your columns and always show that you enjoy writing them. Merry Christmas, Killer.
To Carbo: Now, I know it seems weird, but that one time a month you come along and give us your top ten – I always get a charge out of it. Merry Christmas, Carbs.
To Erico: We make a good tag-team, dude. Thanks for all the emails and just being a cool guy. Merry Christmas – you Jericho wannabe.
To Rico and Stinson: Where are you guys at? I’m being as honest as I can be – you both are really fun to read and I miss you. Merry Christmas, where ever you are.
To the Forum Regulars (Hunter Fan, CURRENT Big Thing, Ringojuna, Big Dogg, Jay, and the rest): You boys always brighten my day. Whenever I go to get the “Quote of the Week,” I try to get someone other than you – but you make me laugh too much to give it to anyone else. You guys RULE and make people’s TBL experience even better when they read what you guys have to say. Merry Christmas, you band of freaks.
To the Readers: You’re who I do this for. And I guess you like it or you wouldn’t come back. Thank you for making my gigantic head even bigger. Merry Christmas.
And Finally, To Joe – the Boss: You took a chance on a guy that you just wanted to do a quick RAW Recap and get it up an hour after the show was over and didn’t know I would turn it into this. But you never complained and always encouraged me to do whatever I wanted. When I started my own website, you still wanted me around and put up with my constant plugs. You truly are one of the good guys on the web. You remember when I said I was ready to go to war when that thing happened (this is kind of inside for all of you who don’t know what I’m talking about)? I would have – and would still. And I wouldn’t do that for just anybody. Thanks for all you’ve done for me, man. You deserve nothing but the best, even if you are in Noo Yawk. Merry Christmas, Joe.
Hang on, I gotta get my hanky out – I’m a bit emotional right now. HOOOOOONNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKK!!!!! There, I feel better now.
And don’t let my kind words fool you – I still will make fun of any of you relentlessly if you give me any grief. Any and all things that were said above will be forgotten by next week and never brought up again.
Okay, we are already waaaay into this and I haven’t even done Ask Roland yet. So lets do that now and then we’ll do SmackDown and then I can waste some more time later. This weeks questions is a bit local, but I think you’ll all enjoy it anyway:
Being a resident of Dallas also, I was wondering if you might know when, if ever, we’ve ever had a white christmas here in good ol’ Big D?
Roland Answers: Okay, first of all, you need to know that I haven’t been in Dallas all my life, so I only have a limited knowledge of the weather for the big day. I moved here from Southern California in 1989 and lived here until 1997. Then I moved to Lubbock for two years (and yes, living in Lubbock is as bad as it sounds). Then I moved back in 1999. So, I only have (including this year) 13 years of experience here in Big D. And we get snow maybe once a year around here – and it usually is just an ice storm. If it snows, it melts the next day. I do, however remember having a very light white powder on Christmas day around 1993 or 1994. It wasn’t much, but I rolled around in it and basically made a “mud angel” with a few flecks of white. It was fun. I do remember in 1996 there was this car dealership that said if it snowed on Christmas Day – they would give away like 10 free cars. It snowed two days before – but not on the day. They dodged a bullet. I would have loved it if it had happened, though.
So, there you go. I am now completely out of questions. I think Hunter Fan sent me one this week, but I deleted it on accident. Sorry man. So, if you like this bit and want it to continue – you need to click here and ask me a question. If you are ashamed to ask me something through email – then go over to Salty Ham and below the whole Rage, you’ll see that you can post comments there. Just fake an email address and name and ask me something and I’ll answer it. If I get no questions by the time we do an new one of these – then the bit might be dead. So ask.
SmackDown time…
SmackDown Rage #11
LAYING THE SMACKDOWN ON SANTA
12/18/03
Taped from…Florida, I think. I didn’t pay attention.
-Recap of Rey being a total loser last week and Holly playing dress up.
-Rap – Crowd – Signs – everything you’ve come to expect.
-Cena comes out and tells us all to chill. Okay, John, we will. Personally, I had already chilled. Anyway, he raps about his bad Christmases and taking advantage of Mrs. Clause while Santa is away. You can’t see him. He goes and sits with Tazz and Cole to help with the next match. He’ll be fighting Big Show in Iraq next week.
-Big Show vs. Orlando Jones (non title). This match again? So, do they only let Jordan out of the Velocity doghouse when Show needs a jobber? You can guess who won this. Show and Cena jaw at each other.
-Bob Holly is here. He’s been invited by Heyman. He gets a security escort to make sure he behaves.
-A-Train is in the ring and Lesnar/Morgan/Heyman come out to confront him. Lesnar asks Train about that match he had last week against Moore. Morgan tells the whole story about what a loser A-Train is. And he lost them money. Then they show the tape, just to prolong it. Ape Train apologizes for letting Lesnar down and wants to make up for it. Heyman has a plan. Since the board won’t let him keep Holly on suspension, Paul makes a tag match. If Holly’s team loses, he’s fired. If he wins, he gets a shot at Lesnar and the title. The tag match will be Morgan/A-Train vs. Holly/Shannon Moore. That took waaaaay too long.
-House Show Video/Pimp.
-Viva La Rossa vs. TWGTT vs Scotty/Rikishi vs Bashams (Tag Titles). So, is this all the tag teams on SD? What a sad division. I don’t have the energy for this one, so – worms, stinkfaces, cheating, double teams, and switches. Basham’s retain.
-Heyman announces a title match tonight to Dawn Marie. He’s gonna have a lottery with all the stars (cept Benoit) and Lesnar will pick the name and wrestle whomever.
-Boot of (last) Week – Sable and Cat.
-Lamont calls out the Cat. Someone call my doctor cause I’m about to shoot myself. Sable interrupts the dancing by coming out and screeching about the kiss Cat gave her. Cat tries it again and Vince comes out. Good. Vince can put a stop to all this. He growls and proclaims himself to be the greatest of all. Cat says he isn’t the best dancer. Vince proves him wrong by DANCING THE GREATEST DANCE EVER! Sable kicks Cat in the ding ding and they leave.
-Rey vs. Noble (#1 Contender Match for The Cruiser). Noble brings out blind Nidia. I ate cookies and milk during this match, so I wasn’t paying much attention. I do know that Noble used Nidia to beat Rey – but Rey overcame it and pinned Noble. Then Noble lied about what happened to Nidia.
-Holly gets interviewed and says nothing. He does give the Crazy Eyes though.
-The Jaguars are here.
-A video game pimp.
-Benoit vs. Polumbo. Filler for Benoit. He wins. The FBI beat him up to give him something to do for the next few weeks.
-Rey tries to tell Nidia in Spanish what really happened, but she doesn’t believe him.
-Kurt Angle is on a USO trip and they pimp that.
-Rhyno calls out Bradshaw to settle their feud – but Bradshaw is already in Iraq. So Farooq comes out for his annual match. Rhyno wins by cheating.
-Heyman has Dawn tell the security guys to take the tumbler out to the ring. Then she acts slutty.
-Heyman calls down Lesnar to pull out his opponent. Brock is not happy about this. He does it anyway and picks Shannon Moore. He comes down. SQUASH. Then Brock reveals all the balls in the hopper said Shannon Moore. HAHAHAHA – Those kidders.
-Brock stays to watch the Holly/Moore vs. Train/Morgan match. Moore takes a long beating until Holly gets the hot tag and eventually pins Morgan. I couldn’t care less.
The show was a bore. 2 out of 10.
Am I full of Christmas cheer or full of something else?
I like you. I like you a lot. Aren’t those words you wish some woman would say to you instead of some freaky wrestling columnist that you don’t even know? Well too bad. This is the best your going to get. So, I like you so much that I want you to be completely informed when it comes to Wrestling and all the news and rumors that come out. And the very best way I know how to accomplish my goal is to get you to sign up for the TBL Newsletter. Now, I know that I slacked off last week – but I very much plan on getting one out to you very, very soon. This weekend, in fact. So sign up and stop making me beg.
No Quote of the Week this week because I want to get this up today. I will say that I am linking the Foley DVD on this report on Salty Ham, so if you want to pre order it, you can. Only $20.00
Enough.
Roland
