Jared – Weeeeeeeeeelcome everyone to Swerve Stadium! Weeeeeeeelcome everyone to Swerve, Edition… 14 is it Mitch? Maybe 15?
Mitch – It’s definitely higher than 14… it could be 15, or 16. Agh, I can never keep track of these things. All I know is that we promise this edition to be one of the top 15 Swerve’s we’ve ever done. After all, we’ve got some exciting segments back this edition, including a new guest, and a brand new Swerve game to boot, and a BRAND NEW SEGMENT – Jared’s Bouncing Balls!
Jared – That’s a flagrant misrepresentation of the truth! But I checked, it is 15. Wow Mitch, we’ve been in this business for 15 years. Amazing… isn’t it?
But this week, much like last edition, we should start of with a mention of the sad news… You all know it by now, but Road Warrior Hawk’s passing. It’s sad that it happened and it’s also sad that wrestling deaths are occurring so often.
Mitch – It’s terrible news, and it makes you wonder who else it could happen to? It’s quite frightening really, because wrestling has already had enough tragedies for the decade in 2003 already. Road Warrior Hawk was someone I grew up watching and loving as a child. People like him were what wrestling was all about when I first got in to it. So, in memory of Hawk, as Jared runs down our first topic, I will say it one more time… TELL ‘EM HAWK!
Jared – WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAAAAAAAAAAAT A RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH we are in to get through all these topics! But on one last note on Hawk, yes he was a great wrestler and it’s good to know that L.O.D. has to go down as one of, if not the, most well known tag teams in professional wrestling history.
Anyway, onto today’s topics… Let’s start with Jeff Hardy v7.2. They say this kid may be on his way back around Wrestlemania XX or sooner. Will it happen Mitch? Is it worth it Mitch? Tell us Mitch, tell us!
Mitch – I’m absolutely certain he will be back. The day he left I was almost certain he’d be back someday… and sooner, rather than later. The whole way it happened seemed very amicable and open to re-negotiation in the future. Yes, it will definitely happen. However, whether it is worth it or not is a different story altogether. As you know, I’m not the biggest Jeff Hardy fan. but that isn’t because of his lack of skill and ability to excite in the ring. I admit, the guy is tremendous when on top of his game. However, that is not often enough for my money. Providing Hardy comes back with a new attitude, and a better desire for this wonderful business, then yes, I would be glad to see him back. It could make for some interesting interaction with brother Matt upon return. However, if the old Jeff Hardy comes back… forget it!
Jared – And that’s exactly what I see happening, whether it appears so initially. I think when anyone is out of the business for a significant period of time they will have a little more fire in their heart upon return. Giving Jeff’s track record I really don’t see that lasting and his uninspired, lazy self will rear it’s ugly head before long. However, maybe he’s good for ratings and right now that’s not a particularly bad quality… So perhaps he is worth it whether we like it or not.
Mitch – I agree totally. You know what, I once ran in to Jeff Hardy feeding ducks at a pond, you know.
Jared – Mustn’t have been running with much care.
Mitch – I wasn’t. But I turned to him and said why don’t you throw them some bread instead of throwing in pieces of your gew covered wrestling attire. So he turned to me and said, “I’m 2 extreme (yes he said it with a number, not a word) for that”… and you know what he did?
Jared – No, but I’m captivated.
Mitch – He took a run and jump and dove in to that pond. He turned around and said, I call that a “swanton bomb”, but I told him those are ducks, not swans. However, upon rethinking a new name for the move, it appeared he crushed a little boy swimming in the lake. His mum called our his name. And what was that name, Jared?
Jared – Ooooooh, I know this one… What was it?
Mitch – “Sinton!”, she cried out. “SIIIIINNNNTOOOOOONNNNNN!”. Before you know it, Jeff was jumping up and down with delight. Oblivious to what had just happened, he had the name of his move after all. The end.
Jared – Well I for one feel dumber for hearing that story… I really do.
Well, what a great anecdote, let us never speak of it again. Same goes for Jeff. How about his more talented sibling? Matt “Veeee OoooooneeAh” is expected to head over to Raw.
Mitch – I’d rather him stay on Smackdown! personally, because I see some better feuds for him over there. I’d rather see Matt pitting his wits against the Benoits and Angles of this world, rather than the Booker Ts and Jimmy Gs of the universe. Jericho is not the right alignment for Matt, and neither is most of the other top RAW midcarders, such as Christian, Orton, Steiner, Test, etc. Yes, Matt could turn face, but as a heel he is way too good. A match with RVD wouldn’t go a miss, though. Oooh, and Shawn Michaels. Okay, maybe it could work, but I will stick by my “Keep Matt on SD!” campaign.
Jared – Look I would agree, except I want something more to look forward to on Monday nights (in reality, Friday nights for me). Matt needs to go across and wake things up on Raw and you already thought of two good ways to do it. Matt’s a very valuable asset and I agree he would be better used on Smackdown, but I think the needs of a brand outweigh that.
Mitch – I will accept such a point, but do you not think that RAW has been better than Smackdown! lately? As far as I’ve seen things, RAW isn’t the one that needs waking up right now… it’s Smackdown!. I believe we could use a few trades near the top of the card maybe at the end of the year, but I do not think Matt moving across is a total necessity. I’d say Smackdown! is the one that could use some of
“Veee OooooooneAH!” right now.
Jared – Although I agree Smackdown is sliding in quality, that seems to be McMahon’s fault more than the talent. Ever since the Iron Man match got bad ratings Vince has been convinced he knows how to improve the product, when as far as what I want to see, Vince has no clue. The slide in quality has been a result of less ring action from the likes of Matt Hardy, whereas the Raw roster barely has the talent to put together solid contests.
Mitch – Smackdown! still has the potential to turn things around. It has the better talent. RAW needs some solid stories to back up it’s wrestlers, otherwise it struggles. Smackdown! doesn’t need that so much, because the in-ring action is so good. I will accept your point, and I agree with it somewhat, but if you want a thickle and pragmatic response to the current WWE situation… keep Hardy on SD! until the year is out.
But you know who’s fault it is that SD! has slid, right?… And it isn’t Vince.
Jared – Umm… Stephanie?
Mitch – No… it’s the fans. Those fans that are hypocrites. I do not want to tarnish people with the same brush here (god forbid, that last time I did that I nearly got a closeline from your mother and a nice helping of “you’re dumped” from your sister) but the fans that say SD! is slipping and “we hate all this Vince and Steph on our screens!” rubbish, are the same fans that did not tune in when SD! delivered a classic Iron Man Match. The people who did that make me sick. They’re such hypocrites… and they wonder why Vince is all over their screens!
Jared – I think they are idiots, but I doubt they are the same people that are so vocal about what they want. They are just a quiet majority who tune in to crap as the minorities slowly turn off and dent the ratings a little more every week.
Mitch – Yes, that’s probably true. And none of these idiot, hypocrite fans read Swerve. All our Swerve readers are level-headed, smart and mature fans. After all, the idiot fans have Hein Sight for their needs… we gotta give something back to the smart people here!
Jared – Oh Hein Sight gets the occasional moron, I wont deny it! But still, the majority of my readers are as credible and level-headed as Swerve readers.
Mitch – Don’t insult our Swerve readers! And there was me talking about tarnishing people with the same brush. Anyway, if RBTR is for the adolescent teens, Hein Sight for the dump people, and Swerve for the smart people… I guess that leaves Steve Ward with the unenviable demographic of the “no people”… hahaha!
Now it’s time for a commercial break. Back in a mo’…
***
Jared – Here’s a little story that I will tell you in a rhyme,
It takes about minute but will save you so much time.
One day I was drunk and spilt wine around the house,
I had to clean it fast, I didn’t want to wake the spouse.
I tried all the old products and not just any would do,
I needed something better, an extroidinary carpet shampoo.
So I ran to the shops, barefoot and drunk,
But saw only the same old products and my heart sunk.
Then like a shining light my answer came,
It was the only cleaning product that wouldn’t come up lame.
I asked the shopkeep “what of this hullabaloo?”
He said “why sir, that’s the John Cena brand carpet shampoo.”
It really did the job and my wife would never know,
It left my carpet looking great with a healthy looking glow.
So next time you hit the shops and you’re looking for the right stuff,
Just remember John Cena will clean anything double tough.
It’s the John Cena Household Cleaner.
Workife!
Mitch – Welcome back everyone. Still to come, I will be talking exclusively to the champion of C-Wrestling, Kevin Stevens. He’s also a big follower of theymayhem, you know, so it will be interesting to hear his views of some mayhem orientated topics. We’ll also be talking cruiserweights as well. All that to come, but Jared’s still here with some trivia results.
Jared – Last week the hangman reveals looked like this…
E _ I / _ _ _ E
And we did get a winner, well done to Elan Dubrofsky for not only being correct with the answer of ELI BLUE… but FRISYT IN!
This week will be trivia… Here’s your question:
What match was the first WWF vs. WCW match of the invasion (not InVasion the PPV)?
Mitch – I didn’t get to say “FIRST IN!” Jared!
Jared – Oh my… well I’ll set you up Mitch. How do they win my trivia?
Mitch – By being… FIRST IN!
Jared is about to leave the building, and our guest is about to take over. Say goodbye, Jared.
Jared – ….
Mitch – Fine then. I will. “Goodbye Jared!”. Okay, here’s a little promo for our guest. Take a look at this:
* In true this is your life voice-over fashion – I’m crazy when I’m drunk man. and when I’m drugged up. I tell people my name’s Craig and I’m from Manchester .This one time, I woke up in this strange house. and I went downstairs and this bloke was cooking breakfast. and he goes “they’re outside Craig” and I went out to the back garden where he’d pointed and there was a load of hippie’s there man, ready to take me to the reading festival with them.
End of Voiceover *
Mitch – Please put your hands together everyone… for Mr. Kevin Stevens!
Welcome Kevin.
Kevin – Good evening sir Mitchell of Gadd. May I just say, that without a shadow of a doubt… that promo was the greatest of all time. It’s about time the Swerve readers got a little time off from that fool, Jared. At last a true wrestling fan gets to sit beside you here in Swerve stadium Mitch. Kevin Stevens – the housewives favourite.
Mitch – I’m sure you are. Kev’s going to be sticking around for some fun and games later, as well as some Swerve Word Association (NOT Steve Ward Association) on some of the wild and wacky characters from themayhem. First off, though, how was your journey, Kev? Did you beat the traffic when getting down here?
Kevin – The traffic was horrendous Mitch. Anytime I leave my house though, I get mobbed. You should know that.
Mitch – Absolutely. It’s like me when I go to the Rift family’s Christmas dinner… except I get mobbed for different reasons.
Kevin – I know what you mean Mitch. I got mobbed at Rift’s house too. One time I was invited around, and started speaking to Rift’s daughter. Let’s just say, it wasn’t just the Rift family dog who was getting a bone that night.
Mitch – Hahaha. I wish I could stop you in your tracks and say this is a family show, Kevin… but, it’s not.
Anyway, let us begin proceedings before we get thrown off air for good. First on our list of agendas is cruiserweights. I know you’re a big cruiserweight fan Kev. Tell us your views on the current cruiserweight situation in the WWE, as you see it.
Kevin – Yeah, it’s no secret I like my Cruiser’s Mitch. The WWE Cruiserweight division has probably, the best group of Cruiserweight’s any one promotion has ever had. Although, it has, and probably always will be second rate in the world of WWE. We all know Vince likes his big men, right? Although, I will say, that since Tajiri has become champion, it’s certainly gone up a notch.
Some strong storylines are being built, which should’ve happened when Rey Rey was champ in my view. Rey’s Cruiserweight title reign was a huge flop in my estimation. They didn’t do anything with him. Interest can’t just be built on the fact that they have great matches in WWE. Namely because, the Cruiserweight matches in WWE aren’t that great. WWE waters down their Cruiser’s hugely, so the matches will never be in the league of the old WCW days.
Mitch – WCW was always praised for its cruiserweight action, and it still seems like the one thing they’ve always held the edge over the WWE with. I agree that the division has gone up a notch, and Tajiri seems on top of his game right now. However, I’m sceptical that this is a sign of things to come. Personally, I cannot see the whole face of the cruiserweight division changing much at all, despite an improvement in the action recently. Do you think that the WWE needs to give the cruiserweights more time on shows? Maybe even their own show? Or do you think that they’re simply not using the allocated time to given to cruiserweights in an efficient manner?
Kevin – There’s 3 simple steps to making a great Cruiserweight division Mitch. Step 1: Let them go for 20 minutes at a time. All you need is one match per show, but dammit… don’t make it three minutes long like in today’s WWE. Step 2: Don’t water down your talent. People like the Hurricane, Kidman, Ultimo, etc. They’ve all been stopped from doing moves. The way I see it, fair enough if a move is deemed un-safe by officials, such as Helms’ Vertebreaker. But if I’m not mistaken, this is wrestling. Danger comes with the territory. Besides, could they get any more injuries than they already get? It’s the damn hard ring that needs removing, not people’s moves. Anyways, finally… step 3: Good promotion. There’s never any storylines, hype or anything. You need this, it’s essential. They give Tajiri an angle, a storyline… and look. Instantly improved and interest is now there.
Mitch – Well, I would say that the first couple of points have to be the main priority. But yes, a storyline does help matters. I would say that if there’s any division that can get by without storylines, then it is the cruiserweight division, but neglecting storylines, as you rightly said, does not help them in any way, shape or form.
So, you’ve given us your views on the WWE situation, but, what about the broader picture? Who are your favourite cruiserweights in the business today – WWE, or non-WWE?
Kevin – Well, just going back to the point you made Mitch. The Cruiser’s can definitely get by without storylines. But this is WWE. Fanboy’s like Jared only watch for the soap opera. Hell, he probably thinks Ultimo is an actual dragon. And unfortunately for us, WWE’s fanbase is mainly fanboys. As for the broader picture… my favourite Cruiserweight has to be Ultimo Dragon. He’s a legend, and truly amazes me whenever I see him perform. Then it’s probably Kidman, with Liger trailing slightly behind.
Now, seeing as I’m in Jared’s chair, and Jared is co-host. Let me ask you a question Mitch. I know being sat with Jared you’re not that used to intelligent questions… but who’s your favourite Cruiserweights? I just want to know for the sake of history.
Mitch – Well, Ultimo Dragon and Jushin Liger are two of my faves as well. Rey Jnr. and Kidman are also fantastic. However, I must say that I’m impressed by Amazing Red and Nova whenever I see them perform. If I had to say one, I’m always partial to Liger. Growing up seeing him face Brian Pillman in some astonishing matches will always leave its mark in my wrestling memory.
Kevin – Great memories there Mitchell.
Mitch – Almost as good as the ones with Rift’s daughter from last night!
Kevin – I never have any good memories with Rift’s daughter. I can never remember what I do with her, because I have to down twelve pints to actually kiss her.
Mitch – Okay, last question on the cruisers. You gave us some points earlier as to how the WWE can create a successful division. However, there are always calls to sign more people to the division. Does the WWE need to do this? Is there anyone that you would like to see get thrown in to the WWE mix?
Kevin – I’d love to see Liger there. But to be honest, I’m not that eager to see any new Cruisers come to WWE. Maybe Mike Sanders though.
Mitch – Liger would be great to see again… but I’d personally fear he’d get the same fate as Ultimo Dragon. The WWE could easily make it work without any new signings. If they can’t make the best of what they’ve got then there really isn’t much hope for them in new signings anyway.
Kevin – Agreed. Let’s face it Mitch… WWE sucks almost as bad as theMayhem’s own Linda Carp. By the way Linda… if you’re reading… see you Thursday night baby *wink*
Mitch – Now, give us a Jerry Springet style “Final Thought”…
Kevin – Okay, in true Jerry Springer fashion. To all the hitmen and assassins in the world… take care of Jared. And to the rest of you… take care of each other.
Mitch – (haha i meant on the cruiserweight topic)
(hahah ure not done yet)
Kevin – (lol)
Dammit Mitch. I thought we was done. Now I know why this show is called Swerve…
Mitch – Haha, that’s what you think. Anyway, let’s play some Swerve Word Association on some of themayhem’s writers/staff. Ready?
Kevin – Ready
Mitch – Okay. Jared Balstrup.
Kevin – Jared Ballstrap would be a more fitting name. Without a doubt he brings this show down. Word on the grapevine is that old Tremble is being replaced with a new, more in-touch co-host. Hard eggs Jared. You son of a b*tch!
*Points directly into the camera*
Mitch – Linda Robin.
Kevin – Linda Robin? TheMayhem doesn’t employ such a person Mitch. It’s Linda Carp. Read her E-mail address man. As for her, I’ll just state that she talks about Triple H, or as she calls him, in a truly un-cool way “Hunter”, too much. Get to watching the Cruisers Linda, and maybe you’ll get laid this Thursday night tuts.
Mitch – Haha. Good stuff.
Jim Forzeseszeseseze.
Kevin – Oh, I’ve been waiting for this one Mitch. Jim Four-eyes is nothing more than an idiot. I read his last column entitled Difficult Decision, and let me tell you… the only difficult decision I saw in it, was whether or not to stop reading that piece of sh*t or carry on to see how much more boll*cks the guy can speak. What kind of a name is Jim anyways? It sounds like Jam, and Four- eyes… I’m officially calling you out. BE A MAN Jim!
Mitch – I would say Steve Ward… but he’s not worth our time.
Aaron Rift.
Kevin – Aaron Rift is a God. Through his sacrifice to bring a ho such as his daughter into the world. Me, you… and COUNTLESS others Mitch have had a lot of hot, steamy nights in the sack. Not together of course. You DIDN’T say Steve Ward.
He’s the only guy on theMayhem that I know who has hot, steamy nights with other men in the sack.
Mitch – Quickly moving on. Can you stick around for one last game, Kev?
Kevin – It’d be my pleasure Mitch.
Mitch – Okay, it’s a new game to Swerve. It’s called SWERVE PAPER-VIEW (yes, not Pay-Per-View). The rules are simple. I read out a past card from a WWE PPV. I start with the first match, working my way up the card. If you get it on the first match, you get maximum points (10!). If you get it on the second match… you get 9…. and so on. Now I did this earlier and scored a whopping 7 points (honest!).
To beat me, get a score of 7, or over. That clear?
Kevin – Indeed it is Porsha. I mean Mitch.
Mitch – Okay, finding a good card to test you on.
Kevin – AWA House Show, May 1986. Oh wait, we haven’t started…
Mitch – Hardy, ha, ha. Okay, I’m going to be a BIG help here Kev. A REAL big help. I’m going to TELL you already that it’s a Summerslam show. Now, all you have to do is guess the year. Ready?
Kevin – Your genorosity has no boundaries Gaddfather.
Ready.
Mitch – First match. Jake “The Snake” Roberts” defeated Hercules.
Kevin – Summerslam ’89
Mitch – That’s not the right answer, sorry Kev. Match number two… for 9 points.
Kevin – Dammit, hard eggs Kev.
(Editor’s Note: Only I get to say that!).
Mitch – Dusty Rhodes defeated the Honky Tonk Man.
Kevin – Summerslam ’90. Yeah, this is the correct answer, I can feel it.
Mitch – Unlucky Kev. That isn’t quite the year I’m looking for. Okay, for 8 points. Match number three panned out like this: The Natural Disasters defeated The Beverly Brothers to retain the tag team titles .
Kevin – Dammit, what type of game is this?! Just what exactly are you trying to pull Mitch!?
The Beverly Brothers never competed on the same rosters as HTM.
I’m onto you and your Slick Wagner Brown games Gadd!
Mitch – I understand Kev. Things can get heated during the midst of combat.
So, you’re passing on the chance for 8 points? That only gives you one last chance to beat me.
Kevin – No wait…
Summerslaaaaam… ’92
Which is obviously wrong, but I remember the Beverly’s fighting the Disasters there.
Mitch – Nope. haha, only one guess left.
Bam Bam Bigelow/IRS defeated the Headshrinkers by disqualification
Kevin – Dammit Mitch. I don’t like this game. Games are supposed to be fun! All the matches you’ve read out are from different Summerslams. I’ll go with Summerslam: Best of box set.
Mitch – Nope sorry, Kev. Looks like you lose. The answer I was looking for was Summerslam 1999 – which was headlined by a triple threat match for the World Title between Mankind, HHH and Steve Austin… and refereed by none other than Jessie Ventura. Hard eggs, Kev.
Well, that’s about all the time we have. * whispering * Cut his mic.
From Jared Balstrup, Kevin Stevens, I’ve been Mitchell Gadd, and here I will finish things with the “Macho Man rap up”… so long, folks!
With the return of Swerve adverts and a guest,
I’d think it’s safe to say that Swerve has passed the test.
Yes, we keep debating, this time about Jeff and Matt,
We’ll kill the competition, like when Deryk Jeter comes out to bat.
So, in closing, you better believe that Swerve has got the legs,
and to those of you that don’t believe, I got two words for ya… “HARD EGGS!”
Jared “Honestly, I didn’t know she was three” Balstrup
Mitchell “Two’s company… THREE’S way too old!” Gadd
The Hein Sight archive – http://clik.to/heinsight
