“ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE”
“SUMMERSLAM EXPLAINED – IN ONE EASY LESSON”
OR
“IT’S PPV TIME AGAIN – GET YOUR CHECKBOOKS OUT”
BY SAMJERRY
VISIT MY HOME PAGE: http://members.aol.com/samjerry
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, it’s PPV time again. PPV time is a nice way of saying “It’s time again to send your $35 to The Emperor.” At least this one has a couple of matches that appear interesting. Of course, that is the first clue that’s it going to be a dud. Can we expect two decent PPV’s in a row? We’ll find out Sunday.
In the meantime, here are my “Guaranteed” picks. Have I ever led you astray?
Let’s look at the NITRO II Matches first:
THE World Championship: In “The Most Devilish Metal Enclosure Ever Conceived” (so says Good Old JR, time and time again) [Conceived? We know The Emperor is the ‘Daddy,’ since it is his ‘Baby,’ but who is the ‘Mother?” Was he getting too familiar with the tail pipe of one of The Guerrero Clan’s Low Riders? Did he prefer getting it on with a Water Main than with The Empress?] Elimination Chamber Match: HHH (C) v. Y2Jackoff v. Big Lazy v. $oldberg v. The Over-The-Hill-Kid v. “Randy” Randy Orton:
Let’s eliminate the pretenders one-by-one.
1. Big Lazy: If he had the Title, shows would have to be at least a half hour longer to give him time to get to the ring. Ad to that, The WWE would have to hold a Championship Tournament as soon as he was injured again … within a week.
2. “Randy” Randy: He’s HHH’s flunky, allowed to make beer runs, wash his car, carry his jock, etc., but not hold the Title. Sometime in the not too distant future (when HHH decides it’s time), “Randy” will be World Champion, but that time isn’t now.
3. Y2Jackoff: Been there, done that. As long as HHH is the No. 1 Badass, Jackoff will have to be content with his High Light Reel gig and picking up the scraps that HHH’s leaves for him. The Emperor only has one daughter, so that route is shut off for him, besides he’s already married.
4. The Over-The-Hill-Kid: Won the first (and only) Chamber Match. How long did he hold The Title? That tells you why he wont win it again, at least not this time. Besides, sooner or later they will replace the security staff at The Shady Acres Rest Home For Very Old and Over The Hill Wresters and he wont be able to get out to play. The Kid makes NITRO II and a few other selected dates, but he can’t keep a full schedule.
5. $oldberg: How many Spears and Jackhammers can he get away with in one match? He will be the next Champion, but it will be in a one-on-one match. Anyone remember HHH’s and The Princesses wedding date? Check your PPV schedule and find the one just before that and you’ll see when $oldberg will be our most worthy Champion. I can hardly wait. “Goldberg, Goldberg, Goldberg … ” Will someone please turn the PA System off! Oops, I was having a WCW flashback
6. Who’s left? Lets see … Oh, it’s HHH. Darn it, and here you thought he was finally going to play nice and give someone else a turn. Wrong! HHH lives for only two things: The Princess and The Title … and not necessarily in that order. He’ll let someone ‘borrow’ it for a while, but they have to remember it belongs to him. Like I said, $oldberg will be the next one, but not yet,
World Tag Team Championship: Les Frenchie Assholes (Chirac and DeGaulle, accompanied by their new friend, Maison des Jardines) (C) v. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray and DeVon): In a perfect world, The Boyz would take the two French Foreign Legionnaires and stuff them up each others rectal orifices. In a perfect world, The Boyz would hog tie them, take them to Dudleyville and turn them over to Great Grandpa Dudley and Grandpa Dudley, a fate much worse than death. Last time Grandpa Dudley was this pissed at a man, he covered him with honey and staked him out on a fire ant mound. Luckily we found him in time. Guaranteed Les Frenchies wouldn’t be that lucky. In a perfect world, The Boyz would feed them to a pack of 200 pound mutant frogs, who are looking for revenge for all their ancestors who became Frenchie dinner fare. However, this is not a perfect world, so The Boyz will have to settle for some French Table Stew. Can you say “We want Tables, We want Tables … ” The crowd will, and they will get them. Au revoir Les Frenchies.
The “Monster” v. RVD: The Emperor loves The Monster. That says it all. The only thing RVD can hope for is he comes out of this in one piece … one unroasted piece. That, plus RVD said a few things in an interview last week that upset The Emperor and other members of The Royal Court. He forgot that he is no longer in ECW, where the most that would have happened was Paul E. would have called him in, given him a tongue lashing and three days of detention. Piss off the upper echelon of WWE and it’s purgatory. Forget about getting a “Push” and just hope you aren’t sentenced to a Year at Hard Labor … on HEAT.
Good Old Eric (GOE) v. The Prince: The Prince comes out of the castle every so often and shows us some unreal bumps. GOE comes out from under his rock and shows us he is still a snake. This match could just steal the show. If you see a 50 foot crane in the building, guaran-F’N-teed The Prince will climb it. Bet the ranch that something wild will take place during the match. You can also bet the ranch that The Prince will make Turdburgers out of GOE.
Now for the SmackDown Matches:
WWE Championship: Our American Olympic Hero/Zero (C) v. Godzilla: You have to give The Emperor credit for making Godzilla look like the meanest SOB who ever lived. Last week he made Tokyo look like Disney World compared to what he did to Spanky. This week he ripped one-legged Zachie into shreds and bits. What better way to make him look like a killer than have him destroy people half his size, not to mention one missing a leg? Hero v. Monster could be The Match of The Year. Heck, anytime these two face each other it has that potential. Looking into my cracked Crystal Ball (I got it at garage sale for seventy-nine cents, so I can’t complain), I can see F-5’s, Angle Slams and Ankle Locks. I see Acme Steel Chairs. I see The Emperor getting involved and costing Hero The Title. I see Godzilla walking into the ocean towards Monster Island wearing The Title Belt. I see another crack in my Crystal Ball.
WWE United States Championship Fatal 4-Way Match: Grandma Guerrero’s Favorite Taco Chomper, Eddie (C) v. Canadian Crybaby No. 2 v. Rhyno v. Tajiri: Three great workers and Rhyno. All the makings of an excellent match, providing you like 3-Way and 4-Way Matches. ECW was big on these matches, and now The WWE is. If nothing else they give many more wrestlers PPV the exposure they might not get otherwise. Eddie is doing a good job wearing The Belt. If he loses it, we might not get to see any more Guerrero Low Riders, and the crowd loves them. You can look for models of them on shelves of toy stores soon, if not already. That alone is reason enough for Eddie to keep The Title. Take CCB No. 2’s Cross Face away and you have one of the best workers ever. Take Tajiri’s Mist away and you have another good worker. Take Rhyno’s Spear away and you have … give me time, I’ll come up with something.
The One Legged Wrestler, Zachie Gowen v. Matthew Hardy (with Shannon Moore): If Zachie makes it to SummerSlam, he will be like a jig saw puzzle – in 500 pieces. After what Godzilla did to him on SmackDown, he should be in Intensive Care for several weeks … providing they really want to sell what happened. It would make a lot more sense if someone (like John Cena) who was left off the PPV was there instead of little Zachie. Moore should be able to sit down and watch this match – his services shouldn’t be needed. Matthew should win in a breeze. However, this is The WWE, that was then, this is now. Zachie will look like he is bionic and stronger than ever. Given all that, plus Moore at ringside, and Zachie wins the match. Why? Because one good leg is better then four … especially if the one good leg is on The Emperor’s favorite one-legged wrestler.
The Undertaker v. The Hairbag With Legs: A quick question. Why is Hairbag on the PPV, while John Cena is home working on new raps? Hairbag gets absolutely no reaction from the fans, while Cena pisses off The Pope. Hell, even The Big Slowass gets more reaction than Hairy Ass. Whatever. The Taker will make a new rug for his wife out of Hairbag, and have enough left over to make a seat cover for his bike. If anyone is interested in this match, please raise your hand. Don’t be bashful. OK, I guess no one is.
There you have it. You can save the $35 if you want. I wouldn’t steer you wrong.
