“Here’s a little Rage of mine
You might want to read it line for line
Don’t worry, read RAW Rage
Come every Monday you have some trouble
But when you don’t read you make it double
Don’t worry, read RAW Rage
Don’t worry, read RAW Rage
Oooooooo!
Don’t worry, read RAW Rage.
Ain’t got no web access can make you sour
Somebody came and took your power
Don’t worry, read RAW Rage
The Balrog’s Lair is still online
You need to click your way to mine
Don’t worry, read RAW Rage
Don’t worry, read RAW Rage
Ooooooooo!
Don’t worry, read RAW Rage.”
Good, now all of you have that idiot’s song in your head like me. At least those of you old enough to remember it. Bobby McFarren. What a yutz. (Not the best song parody, either)
Hello and welcome to RAW Rage! I am Roland: the overexposed and underappreciated master of Raw recaps back for another edition. I AM YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE! I AM THE MAN THAT IS SINGLE-HANDEDLY LOWERING THE CREDIBILITY OF THIS FINE WEBSITE! I WILL BE THE ONE TO BRING DOWN TBL!!! I AM A CANCER! FEAR ME!!!
Well, that was a bit extreme, wasn’t it? I gotta learn how to control these outbreaks. Anyway, I want to introduce you all to someone. His name is Jay, and he is the absolute GREATEST reader I have right now. As a matter of fact, I shall now classify him as THE KING of all readers. Including you. Want proof? Here:
Wah wah wah, send me email.
Wrestling has been crappy all year. I end up watching something else 80% of the time. When baseball holds my attention longer then wrestling , something is wrong.
A few RAW thoughts. It’s funny that kane has to be shackled to enter the ring, but after the match he can go where ever he wants. I’m not sure why but I don’t give a crap about the E.C. match. I think it’s the participants, half of them suck. I liked the booking for the women’s match, very cool ending.
Well there’s yer email.
lates.
-jay
I received that in my inbox after last weeks RAW Rage. You say, “Uh, what’s so great about that?” HE EMAILED ME, YOU DOLT! He provided feedback, so he is now your unquestioned ruler. Whenever you see Jay, you must bow to him and give him the respect he deserves.
What? You think you could be a better reader than Jay? You think you could provide better feedback than that? I don’t know. . .he does make a great point about Kane. . .
Okay, I’ll give you the shot. From here on out (or until I deem it tedious), if you email me (hey, check it out. I learned HTML. Only took me 8 weeks) and you impress me, I will make you KING FOR THE WEEK and include your email in my RAW Rage report, just like I did Jay. But for now, Jay holds the scepter and crown. Here is to you Jay. Can you take it from him?
Okay, enough of this Jibba Jabber, it’s time for RAW!
8/18/03
RAW IS ROLAND
Oh so close to LIVE from Grand Rapids, Michigan
Only on SPIKE TV!
-I catch some Star Trek NG. Uh, question: if Data doesn’t have the ability to have emotion, then why does he care enough to go talk to some kid who misses him? Is it just because he has a polite program written into him? And if so, would politeness really carry him to the point where he would seek someone out to make them feel better. It boggles the mind.
-BLAM, FIREWORKS!
-We begin with the Highlight Reel. Jericho informs us of his busy week, in which he will cut Nash’s hair and win the world title. He wants to introduce us tonight to “Big Daddy Bald”. Jericho gets all serious and earnest and stuff to let us know how bad he wants that title (and my household is holding out mark-like hope that it’ll happen). He introduces his guest this week: HBK (who seems to be his guest every week). Shawn comes out and dances around. Jericho wants to know if Shawn will win his 2nd EC match. Shawn tries to answer, but Jericho informs him that he is way to busy to be dealing with him tonight, so he introduces him to his guest hosts this week: HHHevolution. Trippers rambles a bit about the “Evolution Chamber” and gets all upset cause he lost the last one. HBK hears enough and starts swinging on all three, but is quickly outnumbered. The audience starts cheering and Mrs. G (who informed me that she no longer wants to be referred to as Mrs. Roland) asks, “Who’s coming?” She should know that if it takes the help five minutes to get to the ring, it’s Nash. When he finally gets there, he too gets beat up. Nash has bleached his hair like a cheap prostitute. So, Goldberg has to come out and try to save the day. . .and does, until that slippery HHH sidesteps and Goldy spears Nash.
-Test is backstage and tells Stacey that he has changed. You see, now, after he wins her back, he is going to treat her worse than before.
-Trish vs. Molly (Women’s Title). You know, when Molly lost the blonde hair, she gained the manish, Chyna-like chin. A whole bunch of grunts and puppy jokes later, Gail Kim interferes and attacks both Trish and Molly. So Molly wins by DQ.
-Evolution is backstage, congratulating themselves on a job well done when Austin breaks it up to call for an Orton/Goldberg match tonight. And he will be the Special Enforcer (much like he was at home with Debra) for the match. You know, I have to admit that I’m tired of Austin. He’s boring. He can’t get his lines out without pausing incessantly and he thinks that he is sooooo great, but really, he just comes off bad. Sorry Steve, time to do something else.
-I go and eat a Klondike Bar. What would you do for a Klondike Bar? I just went to the freezer and got one, so I got off lucky.
-Wack O’ The Night (which tells you that having a disgusting, filth infested apartment; sneaking out late and stealing your dad’s keys to go to a party; and going into some dark alleyway to get your tongue pierced by some freak with bad teeth are all better than smoking): Kane whuppin on Shane from 2 weeks ago.
-Here comes da Moneyyyyyyyy. Here comes the money. Money, money. Dolla, dolla! Shane says that come Summer Slam, Bischoff will be unable to compete because he is going to smack him around tonight! Ad as far as Kane goes, Shane goes to the back to bring out a special present for him. What could it be? I bet he brings out Katie Vicks corpse! Nope, he brings out a gasoline can and threatens Kane.
-Goldust and Lance Storm hang out backstage. Goldust needs Lance to be more spontaneous so he sends him into the women’s locker room to say dirty things and kiss the first diva he sees. How much you wanna bet we see Mae Young here?
-Test vs. Gigantic Booty Daddy King Arthur Freakzilla. In this match, we have a bunch of slap/chops and boots. I officially predict Stacey will turn on Scott during this match. Test lands all awkwardly on his leg and appears hurt (work). So the ref calls for medical help. Bump-A-Stump and Stacey look around confused. Test curses in pain a lot. They get him up and start walking him when he lifts that big boot and suckers Steiner for the win. Boo. I was wrong about Stacey. Anyway, Test drags her out.
-La Resistance come out and try to talk. I am transported back to the 80’s immediately. It was a simpler time. Regan was president, the cold war was winding down, New Coke came out, The Go Go’s were still hot and not as fat. Good times. Back to the matter at hand, La Res. make fun of some generic “service man” who is in some uniform. So, the Dud’s come out like Jim Duggin (HOOOOO) and defend the guy. La Resistance run away and the Duds coax the “serviceman” into the ring. He turns on them and beats them up with a flag and La Res come back and help with the whuppin. This show is going splendidly now.
-Jericho brushes his hair backstage.
-Lugs Boot O The Week is Nash accepting Jericho’s challenge last week.
-A recap of Kane tombstoning Linda last month. Linda surfs the net in Connecticut as the cameras watch her. Looking at porn?
-Jericho vs Nash (Hair vs. Hair): Nash kinda looks like Santa with the new doo. Of course, if Nash were Santa, we would never get our presents. Jericho is dwarfed by El Slomo. I take back the Santa comment; Nash looks more like a pretty girl. Anyway, Mrs. G screams every time Jericho is hurt and cheers for him every time he hurts Nash. This match is pretty fun (as fun as any Diesel match can be). Nash kicks out of a Lionsault and then gets put in the Walls. He no sells that and makes it to the ropes. Nash then gets a Jackknife on Jericho, but Chris gets his foot on the ropes just in time. Then Jericho shoves the ref and gets a low blow on Nash, gets out brass knuckles, hits Nash and wins. He immediately goes for the scissors and starts cutting hair. He takes some with him as a souvenir. Mrs. G says Jericho shouldn’t touch that hair because it looks nasty. She’s right. In a funny moment, Jericho wears some of the hair.
-Rosie tries to help a little girl who’s cat is caught in the tree. Hilarity ensues when the cat attacks him and Hurricane distracts the girl. Just figure it out for yourself.
-What? It’s. . .IT’S TEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Teddy proves once again that he is the King of all Managers and introduces the Rodney Mack/Rosie match. And although Rosie isn’t exactly white and Rodney isn’t exactly black, there is some kind of race battle going on here. Rosie wins because he hates. Boo. Theodore needs to back a winner. I think they should turn Booker when he comes back and put him with Long.
-Linda Interview. She shows that winning personality of hers and updates usssss. . . . . WHOOPS! Fell asleep there. Basically she says nothing until her doorbell starts ringing like crazy and Bischoff lets himself into the house. And he goes for it. GO FOR IT ERIC! GET YOU SUMTIN’ SUMTIN’! VINCE IS WITH SOME FLOOZY OVER ON SMACKDOWN – LINDA NEEDS TO LIVE A LITTLE! But no, she’s all cold. Right, like Vince is so much better looking than Eric. No wonder Vince is always straying – Linda is frigid. So, Bisch gets all mad because Shane took WCW away from him (actually, shouldn’t he be mad at Russo for that?). Bisch then gets creepy and forceful with Linda and kisses her.
-During the break, Shane cusses a lot and steals a car. Nice going. This is two GTA’s this year on RAW. First Trips, now Shane.
-RVD vs. Christian (IC Title). Well, at least Christian should retain after Kane interferes here. My wife speaks of RVD’s “very defined rear-end”. Now I’m getting uncomfortable. During the match, the ref gets bumped (no, this isn’t ROH) so Christian goes for some chairs for a one man Conchairto, but RVD Vandaminates him. He gets the 5 star on him when Kane comes out. He’s not shackled this week. He gets a vicious chair shot on Rob Van Doobie and carries his body up the ramp. Dang, could’ve at least given Christian the win.
-A Metallica Summer Slam Video is played. This song stinks.
-Test forces Stacey to give a lap dance to Rico (who isn’t enjoying it) and Steven Richards (won’t Victoria get mad?).
-Kan handcuffs RVD to a pole and pours gasoline on him in a horrible turn of events as the Pot gets even. Kane tries to light a matchbook and fails. He ends up not lighting him on fire because that’s what we want to see and Kane is not about all that.
-My Favorite Wrestler vs. Goldberg (with Steve Austin as Enforcer). The H’s and Flair will help with commentary. I pray for my fantasy stable that Orton wins this so I can get points. The ref gets bumped (theme of the night) and Austin takes over as ref. This upsets Flair, so he goes down and pulls Austin out of the ring. I guess that’s provocation because Austin stuns Flair and leads Randy right into a Spear. Goldy gets his Jackhammer and that’s all she wrote. But all of a sudden Nash attacks him from behind while H’s laughs. Then HBK gives him the Sweet Chin Music. Then Jericho gives HBK a chair to the back. Ross goes insane, basically left without anything else to say other than, “SUMMERSLAM! SUMMERSLAM! SUMMERSLAM! SUMMERSLAM!” Then it goes off the air.
Well, I thought it was a good show. I give it a solid 7.
“Man! You gotta be playin’! RAW Rage is over already?” Not quite my little happy ball o’ fun. I still got stuff to type about.
Did ya hear? The TBL Newsletter is back! Large and in-charge! And guess what? The new editor is none other than your pal Roland. That’s right! In my continuing quest to overextend myself, I am sending these bad boys out every week with all the news you need to hear along with EXCLUSIVE content, privy only to those that sign up for the newsletter. So, click the link and sign up now. We got lots of cool stuff in the works, including more chances for you to become a star! That’s right, if you see something in the news that you want to comment on and you want to be heard, email me and I might include your exclusive thoughts in the newsletter.
Also, just for grins, I wrote a new Roland’s Chamber this week that I hope you might like. Look for Part II this week.
“Roland, we haven’t gotten our RRP for the week.” Calm down. You know I never forget that. This weeks Roland Reader Pick comes from my very own boss, Joe Balrog, who has some very interesting comments on storylines in the WWE. It’s definitely a good read. Check it out here.
Well, I guess that really is about it. I do have one last thing to share with all of you who enjoy my internet time wasters. Someone sent me this a few weeks ago and I have endless fun with it. I hope you enjoy it too.
I’m done.
Roland
