WWE Velocity
Hosted by Josh Mathews and Ernest “The Cat” Miller
Report by Matt Zylbert – BigShot5021@aol.com
It’s Cat! It’s Josh! It’s me! What more could you want? Hello all and welcome back to the guilty pleasure. I am your inspiring reporter Matt Zylbert and THIS is the ‘five-star’ 1Wrestling.com Velocity Report that is always the center of attention. This is actually a special Velocity because on this day LAST YEAR (August 10th), the infamous Marc Loyd/Rico/Hardcore Holly Velocity segment was aired. For those that don’t remember it, allow me to quote myself from last year’s ‘five-star’ report:
“Before the opening video montage rolls, we see Rico doing Marky Mark’s hair in the backstage area. Unfortunately though, that jerk Hardcore Holly, who I lost ALL respect for last week shows up, and Mark gets scared. Well I’m not there to protect him so I understand. Anyway, Rico tells Holly get on line and take a number, and before leaving, the Hardcore-One shaves off a piece of Rico’s hair. Let me tell you this, if I ever see Hardcore Holly in person, don’t blame me if I give him a Baldo Bomb!” (Myself, 8/11/02 Velocity Report)
It’s kind of sad how I really haven’t changed in a year. Except now I correctly spell my boy Marc Loyd’s name right, unlike most of those other Velocity reporters. With all of that said, let’s send it down to…
Actually, we have a backstage segment! Earlier tonight (On Velocity!), the aPa are seen looking at various pictures of Shaniqua with Shelton Benjamin’s face attached. Bradshaw’s convinced that they’re the same person and wants to prove that Shaniqua is a man. Well that’s a fun storyline. And apparently to Bradshaw, Peter Parker is Dr. Octopus (Who will be in Spiderman 2, by the way) while Clark Kent is Batman. Maybe he should lay off his stocks for a bit. The FBI show up to inform them of their upcoming match, and when Bradshaw tries getting their opinion on the Shaniqua situation, Nunzio will have none of it. “We ain’t tellin’ you nothin,” says the FBI leader. What a HEEL! They leave, while Bradshaw adds in that Shaniqua’s a full-blooded man. Ron Simmons agrees. Well, this segment wasn’t as good as the one last year “before Velocity,” but I liked it and I’m definitely looking forward to next year. What kind of segment do you think they’ll put before the 8/9/04 edition of Velocity?
With the video montage airing, now we can send it TONY THE CHIM for our opening contest…
The FBI w/Nunzio vs The aPa
It’s the battle of the three-initial tag-teams! The FBI as a tag-team haven’t won a match in ages, so I really doubt they’ll pick up a win here over the aPa. I may actually like this match though. Should be a good ol’ fashioned brawl.
“I need some more money; gimme ten bucks, kid, ” says The Cat as he and Josh were talking about Bradshaw’s new book. If you heard it you’d laugh out loud too. Or maybe it’s just my ‘outside the box’ humor. Speaking of ‘outside the box’, my latest column is up in the Columns section if you haven’t seen it already. Cheap plug, I know. Anyway, Stamboli and Simmons start us off, as the crowd gets a loud “aPa” chant going. Simmons gains the early advantage after and elbow and second-rope shoulder tackle for two, before Stamboli is forced to tag out to his parner. “That’s my tall glass of chocolate milk they talkin’ about,” says Cat while that earlier segment was being discussed. I love The Cat. Palumbo comes in only to receive a drop toehold from his opponent, which leads right into a tag to Bradshaw. He enters and hits Palumbo with a diving shoulderblock, before executing a suplex for two. The big Texan tries to follow-up with a corner ram, but it ends up eating a discus punch instead, and that gives Palumbo the opportunity to tag out. Stamboli comes in, but is unable to get anything going as Bradshaw manages a back suplex and elbow for a near fall. He continues the damage with a fallaway slam (Called the “last call” by Josh) for another near fall, prior to tagging out. Simmons comes back in, and now I’m confused because Josh is referring to him as Faarooq again. Which is it? Simmons works over Stamboli in the corner with the ten-punch count, but at four, Nunzio interjects himself as he hangmans Simmons out of the corner while Brian Hebner was distracted. The FBI is now in control as Stamboli gains two before tagging out to Palumbo. He nails Simmons with a kick to the side of the head for another near fall, as another “aPa” chant is heard. Palumbo goes right to the chinlock at this point, and as Hebner is distracted, Palumbo breaks it up, claps, and Stamboli comes in without a tag to re-apply the chinlock. I don’t get why they just didn’t tag when they were so close to each other. I guess they just couldn’t resist being the evil heels that they are. Stamboli eventually breaks up the hold to attempt some high-risk offense from the second rope. Instead, he gets powerslammed in mid-air by Simmons, and both men are down. Simmons makes the HOT HOT HOT tag to Bradshaw, who comes and in cleans house. Eventually, all four men get involved for some LOW-CARD MAYHEM, but it is the aPa who would dominate. Meanwhile, a shot of the Bashams and Shaniqua is shown from the stage as they are looking on. I smell a Velocity Feud! Bradshaw clotheslines Palumbo and the numbers game comes into effect… oh no, did I just say something Michael Cole-esque? Somebody please shoot me. The aPa simply give Stamboli the spike powerbomb, and Bradshaw covers for the easy three count. Decent enough match. And back on the stage, Shanniqua has crumbled one of those pictures of her with Bradshaw and Simmons looking on from the ring. She shouldn’t be that ashamed of himself… err, herself.
Winners: The aPa
Commercial
Josh and Cat intro pictures of the Cena/Taker match from Vengeance, as well as Cena’s unfortunate non-clean victory over the Undertaker with help from Albert. It’s nice to see my boy Albert get involved, but just like everyone else, I would’ve rather seen Cena win CLEAN. At least Albert will have a match at Summerslam. Hopefully before then they’ll re-build him up again on Velocity with a couple of Albert Squashes. Oh yeah!
Commercial
Rewind: With help from the MFers, Nunzio is able to defeat Zach Gowen this past week on Smackdown. Wow, Gowen’s really jobbing through the whole barrel, isn’t he?
Shannon Moore vs Ultimo Dragon
This should be good. For whatever reason though, Vince is unhappy with Ultimo Dragon’s style, which makes no sense because Vince has MADE him compete under this WWE toned-down style. That’s like telling someone to do your homework, and then yelling at them for not writing it neat enough. Oh man that Vince, actually, I’ll just skip the insults. In a few years, I may be applying for a commentator’s job so I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret. I think I have in the past though.
Once again, let me point out how cool Shannon’s titan tron is. Crash had the coolest titan tron but with him unfortunately gone, Shannon now holds that distinct honor. Hey, if anyone knows where I can download Crash’s titan tron as the Moore-On, it would GREATLY be appreciated. To the match now as Shannon takes down Ultimo with a quick snapmare, and then boasts about it, just like Matt would do. “Look at that Mattitude!” points out Cat. He must be doubling up on study time of Mattematics. Both men lock up again and we get some terrific chain wrestling, leading into a leg sweep for two for Dragon. After hopping over Shannon in the corner with help from the ropes, Dragon continues his temporary offense with a drop toehold, before putting on a pretty cool modified camel clutch. He eventually breaks it up, but falls victim to a drop toehold into the ropes, giving Shannon control. The MFer starts off his offense with a back suplex, before going to the sit-down bow-and-arrow. Meanwhile, Josh calls Shannon a great commentator and that Cat should watch his job. Why would he watch his job if he’s the best commentator in WWE right now (Besides Loyd)? Dragon elbows out of the hold, but Shannon throws him down. He gets a pair of scoop slams for two before resorting to the chinlock. Dragon elbows his way out again and ends up hitting Shannon with a reverse crossbody from the second rope. Shannon tries re-gaining control as he scores with a knee to the mid-section, but is SEIZED BY CAESAR in the corner. He ran into a boot, that is. This permits Dragon to work in his nice kicking combo, concluded by a spinning heel kick for two. Shannon blocks a clothesline at this point and gets a backslide, but Dragon rolls through and traps Shannon with a hurricanrana into a pin for another near fall, before whacking his foe with some chops in the corner. They both end up on the top, where Shannon shoves him off, and he capitalizes with a nice top-rope spinning neckbreaker, gaining a close two count on the pin after. Shannon throws a temper tantrum as a result, and that would be costly as Dragon counters a waistlock with some kicks, permitting him to execute his flip-over reverse DDT to achieve victory. Great match. Why doesn’t Vince like Ultimo Dragon again?
Winner: Ultimo Dragon
Commercial
WrestleMania Recall: From WrestleMania XIX, Brock misses with a Shooting Star Press, but connects with the F5 to dethrone Kurt Angle of the title.
Orlando Jordan vs Andy Anderson
I knew it! For all this time, I had a feeling that Orlando Jordan’s theme music was recycled (Besides it being the music in the “Live Events” commercial), and as it turned out, I was right. Minus the growls, his music used to be The Kat’s! Wonder if Jordan knows that. Meanwhile, his opponent actually has some Velocity history. He was on the show back in December, where he was squashed by Risquashki. And he’s also one of those guys with a neat name, like Jack Jackson and William Williams. I love those names.
As Jordan makes his entrance, we get another “earlier tonight” segment, in which Jordan is shown with three hot ladies all wanting to get his autograph. I’m not sure what the point of this is but the ladies do eventually get Jordan to sign their shirt. Okay then. To the match as we get some basics to start, leading into a takedown for Jordan. Anderson would come back with a shoulderblock, but Jordan knocks him right back down with a right hand, before working an arm-drag into an arm-bar. Shortly after, Jordan blocks an attempt hip-toss from Anderson, enbaling him to get one of his own. An arm drag and dropkick later lead to a near fall, before Anderson gets desperate and nails Jordan with a knee to the mid-section as they were breaking it up. A snapmare leads into a kick to the back for the Velocity Jobber, and he then works in some choking. The chinlock follows while Cat calls Josh a sick freak. Other than that, I honestly have no idea what they’re talking about. Jordan gets out and manages a sunset flip for two, but is clotheslined back down to the canvas. Anderson goes back to the chinlock again, and now Cat is confusing him for Andy Griffith. Why not Andy Richter? Jordan punches his way out of the hold and then punishes Anderson with the Johnson Special. Two dropkicks and a flying jalapeno later get him a two count, but that wouldn’t matter as Jordan executes Black Ice shortly after anyway, giving him the easy 1-2-3. “Andy Griffith, go back to Mayberry!” demands The Cat. You try and figure that one out. Anyway, I think Wrestling Challenge just called, they want this match back.
Winner: Orlando Jordan
Commercial
Josh and Cat recap the Lesnar/Vince Cage Match with Angle as the referee from Smackdown. Smackdown was pre-empted here in New York for the Giants/Patriots football game, but I just don’t get WHY UPN couldn’t replay the game in the Saturday night timeslot, instead of airing Smackdown then. Smackdown is UPN’s highest-rated show, so it makes no sense to delay it, let alone put it on Saturay night when we all have LIVES here. Replay the game on Saturday night for the non-cable viewers so if they really wanted to watch that idiot and overrated tight-end Jeremy Shockey and the Giants face-off against an overrated team in the Patriots, then they would have. Wait, this is a wrestling column so I will spare you of a football rant. All I have to say is go Bengals!
Commercial
Boot of the Week: On Smackdown this past week, Charlie Haas defeats Rey Mysterio with the Haas of Pain.
Funaki & Spanky vs The World’s Greatest Tag Team
SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA… the Tag-Team Champions are on Velocity! It may be a non-title match, but it’s still nice to see the Champions again. Their last Velocity match was a few months ago when they defeated two masked jobbers known as Los Chihuhas, in preparation for their upcoming PPV match against Los Guerreros. Anyway, for those who watch Stevie Night Heat, you may recall a similar incident happening a few weeks ago with the champions (La Resistance) in a non-title match against a young team to never appear on the other show (Jindrak and Cade), and lose. Will the same happen here? FEEL the suspense… of a Velocity main-event!
I don’t know why but TWGTT’s theme reminds of the Beverly Brothers’ music. Benjamin and Funaki start us off with a quick exchange of two counts, before the champion drills the challenger with a knee to the mid-section. Despite this, Funaki comes back with a tilt-a-whirl head-scissors take-over, and with Spanky making the blind tag, both men perform the old Kaientai double-team. Spanky gets two on the pin after, and although receiving a shoulder block, he stays in control with the side-salto kick. Haas tries helping his partner out, but instead is taken out. Spanky then literally runs up Benjamin in the corner, but loses control as Haas decks him with a clothesline. Brian Hebner (Who has double-duty tonight) was distracted, so this goes clean, and Benjamin tags in Haas now. The champs work a double-team move for two, before Haas continues the assault. He scores with an overhead belly to belly suplex, and then resorts to some choking. “He havin’ a good time ripping Spanky apart, man,” says Cat. Yeah. Tag to Benjamin, who comes to execute that exploder suplex of his for two as Funaki broke up the pin. He then goes to the chinlock, which Spanky of course gets out of, but Benjamin thwarts his comeback attempt with a knee, leading into a tag-out to Haas. With that done, the former Team Angle members give Spanky the Rougeaus double-team move, which gets Haas two on the pin moments later. Backbreaker gets Haas another two count, and now he goes to the chinlock. Spanky elbows out, but becomes the victim of a shoulder block. After knocking down Funaki off the apron with a running forearm, Haas drags Spanky to his corner for some more damage. Tag to Benjamin, who proceeds to slap and kick around Spanky. His arrogance would cost him as Spanky hits him with an unexpected dropkick, and then makes the HOT HOT HOT tag to Funaki. He enters and just totally dominates Benjamin with a bulldog and a backdrop. Enzuqiri to Haas, and Funaki counters a Benjamin attempted-powerbomb with a nice quick sunset flip for two. Benjamin gets him up on his shoulders right after, but Funaki counters beeee-autifully with a sweet reverse DDT for another near fall. All four men are involved and for the second time tonight, we’ve got ourselves some LOW-CARD MAYHEM. Funaki is absolutely on fire right now, but can’t do it all by himself. Spanky ends up missing a plancha on the outside as Haas side-stepped it, while inside, Funaki has Benjamin set-up for a tornado DDT. The champ counters by tossing him into Haas, who catches and holds him for a Benjamin superkick, giving TWGTT the hard-fought win. Tremendous match. Spanky and Funaki should be on Smackdown, while TWGTT is proving me right from the start that they would become one of the best tag-teams put together. I really like them.
Winners: The World’s Greatest Tag Team
As I always say, Velocity was great, and even the majority of smarks would like it. Two ***+ matches on Velocity?? It happened. It’s close but I’m going to give MOTN honors to the main-event, but as I said, Dragon/Moore comes very close. The opener was solid, while the Jordan/Anderson match was no harm. Even with the absence of Kanyon, Albert, and DeMott, this show still proves to be watchable. Speaking of DeMott though, where has he been? It’s been two months now since we last saw him on television and I have seen absolutely no news on him. Same with Kanyon, who I hope is in for his deserved push.
With another ‘five-star’ report entering the archives, this is Matt Zylbert wishing you guys and gals a great week, and I’ll see ya next weekend for the latest ‘five-star’ report and column. Peeeeeaaaaace.
Any feedback, comments, or questions? Send to BigShot5021@aol.com. I respond to all e-mail.
