“You know where you are?
You’re in the jungle baby.
You’re gonna die!”
RAW Rage #6
See what happens when I’m gone for the week?
The entire website goes in the crapper. Further proof that this place can’t run without me. Well, never fear, I’m back to write the wrongs that certain people, who we won’t mention (EDDIE), did to bring you the very best recap on the web.
I don’t want to take too much time up because I have a very special guest with me this week to serve as the “color commentator”. . .
-Did you just call me COLORED, Hata?
No sir. I was merely introducing you to the readers.
-I heard you say colored, Whitey.
I didn’t say “colored”, I said “color”. As in “color commentator”.
-Mmm hmm. Another phrase made up by THE MAN to keep a brotha down. You feel me?
I. . .guess. Can I introduce you now?
-I ain’t stoppin’ you, playa.
My very special guest this week to help me with this RAW Rage is none other than. . .
-Rage? What you got to be in a rage about, cracker? Have you had to endure years of being put down because of the color of you skin?
Well, no.
-Have you been uprooted from your home and sold into slavery?
No.
-Have you had to work hard for less money than someone of another race? Have you been discriminated against just because you didn’t look the same as somebody else?
I don’t think so.
-Then you don’t have anything to be “in a rage” about, do you honky?
Anyway, I want to introduce to you my co-host for the evening, Teddy Long!
-That’s Theodore Long, whitey.
-Sorry. So, how was your weekend, Theodore?
-I ain’t answering any questions.
Oh. Well, mine was good. Mrs. Roland bought me the latest Martin Gore CD. And it’s very good. I listened to it all. . .
-WHO???
Martin Gore. He is the brains behind the band Depeche Mode.
-WHO???
Depeche Mode. You know, “Enjoy the Silence”, “People are People”, “It’s No Good”, “Dream On”?
-(Blank stare)
They were popular in the eighties and nineties. They still have hits. They used to be all-electric, but now they’ve branched out to more. . .
-Listen here, playa. The brutha’s and sista’s don’t listen to. . .whatever it is you’re talking about. It’s all about the hip-hop. Buhlee dat.
Okay, so, maybe I should give everyone a Tribe update . . .
-Tribe? Let me tell you about tribes, cracka. The White Man stole from the tribes!
I don’t mean those kinds of tribes. I mean The Tribe. It’s a television show on Wam that is a little like a soap opera. It’s based out of New Zealand. . .
-Where’s my boy, Rodney Mack? He’s gonna do a White Boy Challenge on you right now. Nobody knows what you’re talking about with that Jibba Jabba.
Jibba Jabba? Doesn’t Mr. T say that?
-RODNEY! Get over here!
Okay, okay. Well, since we don’t have anything to talk about, let’s get into RAW.
RAW IS ROLAND
8/4/03
Live from Vancouver
Canada? Again?
-White Boy Country.
Okay, we start off with a recap of Shane showing up to beat down Kane for what he did to his momma.
After the pyro, Shane comes out to the ring. Shane has gray hair? When did he get so old on us? Shane tells us that he is going to finish what he started last week when he took the chair to Kane. He’s mad as heck-fire at Kane! Mad, I say! This brings out Bischoff and Uncle Eric kisses up to Shane-O-mac. . .
– Did you say Mack? Let me holler at ya, playa! The Mack is on the attack. You better start to back the Mack if you know what’s good for you. Because it is all the hata’s in the WWE that have tried to keep the Mack down. Down. . .like Down with the Brown, but not in the same way.
Uh, actually I was talking about Shane McMahon.
-Oh. Another cracka.
Anyway, Bischoff says he got a call from Vince right before RAW started and he said he wants a RVD/Kane match for Summerslam and he wants Shane to be escorted from the building. But Bisch is magnanimous enough to let Shane leave on his own accord, but Shane ain’t going nowhere. He wants Kane tonight. At this time, I see a guy holding up a sign that says, “Shane-O is Sexy” and it makes me uncomfortable.
-I feel ya, playa.
Thanks Theodore. Anyway, Shane is all, “Make me leave. I dare ya.” And Bisch is all, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. I’m a black belt.”
-More racism from the man. A Black Belt.
What’s wrong with a black belt? It’s the best belt you can get in Karate.
-Belts are hatas. Belts hold up the white man’s pants. That’s what whitey thinks the black man is good for. We’re just there to hold up his pants. You better stop drinking that Hateraid.
Anyway, Austin comes out and tells Shane that he should leave but Shane disagrees. Austin warns Shane that Bischoff will beat him up. But Shane still stays. Austin then insinuates that Bischoff has a thing for Linda because he said he likes older women that are heavy in the chest department. Then Austin tells Shane that if he really wants a match tonight, he can have a No Holds Barred match with Bischoff tonight. Despite Bischoff’s whining, the match is on. Then Bischoff kinda warms to the idea because he has a plan.
-What a long and boring and overly WHITE beginning to RAW. I better start seeing a little color in that ring soon. Ya feel me?
We also see that Diamond Dallas Page is at some Slamball game. Wow, what a career that guy has now.
Buh Buh Dud (with D-Von) vs Rene Dupree
-See, D-Von has some color, but he’s too busy being an uncle Tom to his brother that he can’t see the right way. He is my haterized brutha that needs to be saved, but doesn’t want to be.
Well, since I hate Dud matches, can I ask you something Theodore?
-Holla at me.
How come you haven’t been on RAW in forever? I mean, what’s the deal?
-Two words, playa: The Man. The Man has kept The Mack and myself off RAW. The Man saw fit to have Goldberg squash the White Boy Challenge. The Man was the one that let that psycho white girl Victoria stiff kick Jazz and then give her title over to some Asian nobody had ever seen before. The man is hating on us.
Who is the man? I mean, is it a particular person or is it just the “White Man” in general?
-I can’t really say, playa. The Man is white, but not all white men are The Man. There is one particular Man that keeps us down.
Vince?
-All I can say is: Don’t hate the playa. Hate THE GAME.
Oh, I see. Well, you aren’t the only one. Back to the match: after some shenanigans with the French Flag and some blatant cheating, Buh Buh wins. Rene blades to give us some blood and I think, WHY? I mean, if we are going to have to watch every mid-carder get the crimson mask all the time, it isn’t going to be special anymore.
Speaking of GAMES, Evolution talks about The H’s injury to his groin. Bischoff comes in and needs to talk to HHH, but we go to commercial. We can only assume that he has come to ask how to book the rest of the night.
We come back to some highlights of the Australian tour, but we don’t get one shot of Nash passing out in the hotel. I have it on good authority that Nash passed out due to laziness. He hadn’t had his nap for quite some time and when it comes, buddy, it comes.
-You heard it here first, playa!
Big Poppa Booty Daddy Freak Boy (w/Stacey) vs. My Favorite Wrestler Randy O.
-Now, here is another example of how the white man steals from the brutha’s. “Holla” is my catchphrase. But this `roided out freak stole it from me. But does The Man do anything to right the injustices placed upon me? No.
You sure are bitter tonight Theodore.
-I have every right to be, playa. I’m one of the few people on this show that are entertaining and I haven’t been seen for weeks!
Anyway, Randy insults Stacey and the match starts. The announcers are sooooo into this match that they talk about JR possibly coming back next week. Test comes down to distract Steiner and Randy is able to get the RKO for the win. More bad booking. If Randy is going to be the next big thing, does he really need help from Test to beat Scott Steiner??? Uhg.
The H’s and Flair talk with Bisch and they make some kind of deal. Then Flair caresses Trips face all lovingly and both Theodore and I get very uncomfortable.
-I still feel sick, playa.
Rosey is backstage with The Hurricane. He’s ready to become a Super Hero In Training (you know what it spells), but Christian breaks up the party to punk out Hurricane, who he will be facing later. Rosey shows Helms his kit to become a Super Hero.
Shane looks all serious backstage.
-PLAYA! THAT’S THE MACK! You betta recognize!
Yes, we see Rodney Mack with Bischoff, but then Austin comes in and they dismiss Mack.
-Take him out Mack! He can’t do that to you!
Mack just walks out. Sad. Anyway, Bisch tells Austin he has Evolution in his corner tonight because he made a deal to make the Goldberg match at SS at No DQ match.
-The Mack was just biding him time there. He chooses his battles, playa!
Sure. Anyway, we get a Wrestlemania recall of Jeff Hardy doing a swanton bomb on Buh Buh off a ladder on a table in 2000. That was a good match.
-You don’t understand. Rodney Mack could have tore Austin’s head off, but he CHOSE not to. He understands that sometimes you must show compassion on those weaker than you. Ya feel me?
Of course. Hurricane vs. Christian.
-Don’t patronize me, whitey! I’ll have you for lunch.
I’m not. I’m just trying to recap here. Christian wins by rollup then proceeds to beat the Hurricane down. This brings out Rosey, who is dressed in a very sad looking, homemade hero costume and saves Hurricane. Then they pose together.
-Look, playa. It’s almost been an hour and all we have seen is white people wrestling. This is what I have to deal with every week!
Kane pulls up in a paddy wagon, flanked by guards.
Flair vs Goldberg. Trips is going to help announce this one. Man, does anyone else wish that Flair would win this?
-Look at Ric Flair. He’s so white his hair has turned white too!
The Canadian fans are all over Goldberg for being the REAL legend killer (poor Brett). Randy comes down and cracks Goldy with a chair, giving him the win via DQ. Then, the Evolution beat down starts. The H’s use a sledgehammer on Goldy, but HBK comes out to save. Then Jericho comes out to beat up Shawn, but Nash lumbers his way into the ring (finally) and the SCHMAZZ is on. Austin comes out to announce that at SS, he has changed things to be an Elimination Chamber match with H’s, Goldy, Slow Diesel, Heartbroke Joke, My Favorite Wrestler, and Mr. Canada. I can only guess here that they did this because Trippers is hurt and Goldy can’t really handle a long match and look good. So, stick them all in there and have a good time serving up fodder. This is encouraging though because the only time Trips lost the belt was in the last Elimination Chamber.
Terri Runnels shills slamball with Pat Croche.
-Slamball is just an attempt by The Man to make black people jump around on trampolines. Ya feel me?
I guess Nash is still very slow because he is still in the ring when Jericho attacks him and HBK. But Jericho gets a Jackknife for his troubles and finally, the lazy one lumbers back up the ramp at his own, special pace.
Backstage, Flair is hurt and the deal with Bischoff is off because of Austin.
We get a Slam-o-the week showing us the WWE rapidly pressing the ABORT button on Gail Kim‘s title reign last week.
Trish vs. Molly (Women’s Title). Victoria interferes to give us a Dusty Finish and all three ladies fight each other until Gail Kim comes down and cleans house. Then, she takes forever to turn heel as everyone in the world knew what she was up to before she finally closelined Trish. Gail and Nash should get together seeing as how slow they are at pulling off moves.
-You mean to tell me, playa, that Jackie couldn’t have been involved in this? Where are the Sista’s? Where are the Brutha’s? This is without a doubt, the WHITEST Raw I’ve ever seen. I must shield my eyes from the blinding white light coming from the screen! Does anyone feel me? Would anyone like to?
Backstage, Shane attacks a defenseless police van, but the van holds it’s own.
Lance Storm admits he is boring to Goldust and they strike up a friendship.
Bischoff runs off the cops around the paddy wagon and lets Kane out.
RVD vs. Y2J. Well, this was a long match. And good. There were a lot of near falls and RVD finally won it with a springboard summersault on the top rope. Jericho tells us all that the reason he lost is because of Nash (I guess watching Nash take forever to do anything would be distracting). He is Mr. Canada and no one treats him that way! The crowd agrees. So he books a Hair vs. Hair match. My wife faints at the thought of Jericho bald.
-Still no color in this show. This is the hatingest show ever! Don’t hate the playa hate the game!
You said that already.
-Catch phrases are a part of wrestling, playa.
Oh. Anyway, Bischoff comes down to have his match with Shane and practices kicking a bag held by some production guy. He even misses once. HA. Shane comes down with his money and the match lasts 2 seconds before Kane comes out. Then Shane and Kane go at it, but Shane gets the upper hand early. Now, why would they do that? I mean, isn’t Kane a monster? Wouldn’t he make quick work of a non-wrestler? Finally he does get the upper hand and throws Shane around for fun and tombstones him on the steeeeeeeeel steps. He rolls him back in for Bischoff to get the easy pin. Bischoff then goes around to celebrate forever. End of show.
Well, that was. . .there. Not too good, not too bad. Middle of the road again this week. I give her a 5 out of 10. Theodore?
-Not one person of color in a match tonight. As a matter of fact, the only two brutha’s I saw were two Uncle Tom’s: D-Von and Coach. Feel this: 0 out of 10 playa.
Okay, well I guess that about does it for this week’s RAW Rage. The only thing left to do is mention our RRP for the week.
-What’s RRP, Playa?
Roland’s Reader Pick. This is where I pick a column on TBL to recommend for our readers.
-Lay it on us.
Okay, this week we are going with Shawn Stinson who has a lovely column about how he has become optimistic again with regards to wrestling. It will lighten your day. Check it out here: http://www.thebalrogslair.com/opinions/stinson/2003/0803.shtml
-You still don’t know HTML, playa?
I’m working on it.
-You’re not gonna plug that Eddie guy?
No.
-Why? Because he made fun of you a couple weeks ago in his column? Heh Heh.
Eddie is on my list right now.
-Ooo! Gonna be a White Boy Challenge from a White Boy?
I’d rather not talk about it, thank you very much.
-Looks to me like Eddie punked you out, playa.
Leave it alone, Teddy.
-Theodore.
You heard me, Teddy.
-RODNEY!!!
CRASH! BANG! OOF! SLAM! WHAP!
ughuuh
-While Roland G picks himself up off the ground, I’ll close this out. This has been Theodore Long, defender of those that have found themselves discriminated against, signing off. Let me holla at you lata, playas! You feel me?
Buhlee Dat!
– Feedback in regards to the above article may be emailed to rolandg77@sbcglobal.net. With the amount of time each author puts into an article, your responses are appreciated.
