“ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE”
“THE CASE OF THE CURDLED ‘COON CHILI”
OR
“STONE COLD STAYING CLOSE TO THE THRONE”
BY SAMJERRY
VISIT MY HOME PAGE: http://members.aol.com/samjerry
The last NITRO II of the first half of 2003 took place last night in Buffalo, without Stone Cold Beer Man (SCBM). According to the man that never told/tells a fib, Good Old JR, SCBM had a case of food poisoning. I’ve told him time and time again that three day old, left over raccoon left out on the back porch in the summer Texas sun shouldn’t be used to make his patented homemade chili. He never learns.
With SCBM away for the evening, Good Old Eric (GOE), the NITRO II CO-boss (who has been MIA of late), had the place to himself. What did he give us? For a change NITRO II was actually worth watching. For the running backstage angle, he gave us Kane mulling over coming out without his mask. For the rocket scientists in Broken Elbow, Montana and Not-So-Beautiful Upper Dudleyville, this is a clue that Kane would get involved at the very end of the show. GOE couldn’t persuade Kane to come out, even for a Title rematch against HHH, and telling him that his unmasking was RVD’s idea; RVD couldn’t convince him; and Terri and her 44 DDD’s (which could convince any man to do any thing) couldn’t find him to convince him. She did so under GOE’s threat to fire her. Can you imagine The WWE without Terri’s Twins?
The show got started with Y2Jackoff and his High Light Reel. His guest was Legs, who was accompanied by Roid Boy. Talk about a mood killer. The end result of this was GOE setting up a tag team match pitting Legs and Roid Boy v. Jackoff and Test.
There was a Ladies Battle Royal for the Ladies Title, held by The BIG Ugly. The NITRO II Ladies Roster took part, and were joined by newcomer Gail Kim. You don’t suppose she’d win the Title in her WWE debut do you? Couldn’t happen. Wrong. The winner and new Ladies Champion – Gail Kim. Assuming the pattern holds, we’ll next see her in a WWE Diva shoot, showcasing her wares.
For the 1,457th time (Unofficial Count), Les Canadian Moose Humper
put the Intercontinental Title up against Booger T. They punched, did a ballet from Romanov, punched, pirouetted around for a while and Booger pinned Moose Humper for the win. Hold on a second, Les Canadian Moose Humper pinned Booger at the same time. Confusing? It wont be. Tune in next week to the next installment of Soap. I digress. GOE came out and declared the match a “Draw” and ordered it restarted, Falls Count Anywhere … except Not-So-Beautiful Upper Dudleyville. Sorry Booger, The Stinkaroonie you did during the match was a mood killer (worse that it usually is). No Title for you tonight. Les Canadian Moose Humper is still the deserving Champion. I understand that if Booger enters The Ten Step Program and learns to refrain from doing The Stinkaroonie, he may get a Title someday. The operative word is “may.”
The most boring wrestler under the sun (SCBM wouldn’t lie), The Canadian Sled Dog F*cker, was in the ring to face the greatest wrestler ever born, the man who won his first 12,768 matches (Official Count – I checked with Fat Tony), and the man who fears no man (a bar of soap is quite another thing). Fear spread across the face of The Canadian Sled Dog F*cker as $oldberg headed to the ring. He may be boring, but he definitely ooked scared sh*tless. Just as $oldberg got to the ring, Mr. BIG Ugly (with Theodore “Black Is Better” Long trailing at a safe distance) attacked him. Surprising end result: Mr. BIG Ugly speared into the next Zip Code. The Canadian Sled Dog F*cker was last seen headed across the border into Canada as fast as his Sled would go.
While I’m on the subject of The Canadian Sled Dog F*cker, there has been much said about SCBM’s blasting him as “boring” last week. My view of it is what he was really doing was drawing the crowds attention to The F*cker’s match. The crowd was deader than a doornail until Austin came out and called Storm “boring.” After that at least they watched and were into the match. As I see it, what he was doing was giving Storm a rub, especially since his character hasn’t been able to draw flies. Props to Austin for this move.
Next up was the Legs / Roid Boy v. Test /Jackoff tag team match, or rather Roid Boy’s Handicap Match, with Legs as his cheerleader. Ironic that Test and Legs have to wrestle on NITRO II, when they do so every night at home, where Legs is undefeated (she loses, and Test really loses). Match ended in a DQ of Test / Jackoff, however, GOE was back in action. He made it a No DQ, Falls Count Anywhere (except … you know the rest). Jackoff nailed Roid Boy with a chair shot, leaving Legs to Test’s mercy. He had none. A Pump Handle slam, a cover, and Legs was done. She’ll get even later.
The WWE’s newest Fashion Expert, Rico, accompanied by Miss Jackie was up next against Maven. I wonder if Al Snow stays up nights knowing he picked the wrong guy at Tough Enough 1. Rico is doing this Gay / Straight thing. He kissed Maven and goosed the referee (but he also made nice with Miss Jackie). Our heroine pushed Maven off the top turn buckle into the waiting arms of Rico (actually into a kick, but who’s counting)? Maven left to write another thank you note to Snow; Rico and Jackie left to do whatever it is they do. Looking past his gimmick, Rico is a pretty solid performer. Looking past Jackie’s gimmick and she is a chunky young lady.
Tommy Dreamer, apparently having completed his sentence on HEAT took on Evolution’s Randy Orton, with Slimy Ric at his side. Since Slimy refuses to allow injustice to go unpunished, he got involved in the match. This encouraged Dreamer to get his trusty Kendo Stick. It didn’t help as he took The RKO from Cowboy Bob Orton III, and was lucky they didn’t feed him his trusty Kendo Stick. At least he has been released from HEAT and is now a citizen again.
France’s biggest (and only) heroes, Les Tag Deux Chumpiones, DeGaulle and Chirac, faced The Flying Green Disease and Spike Dudley in a non-title match. It wasn’t a pretty sight. The Insect tried and was swatted away; Spike was just put away. This match had to be a filler or to aid our fence mending with our French “Friends.”
Main Event Time: HHH, with Slimy Ric, v. RVD for The World Championship. Note that this was the first time we have seen HHH tonight. Usually he has had a half hour or more of bullsh*t time. Could The Princess be annoyed with him about something? RVD dominated the early part of match and each time he came close to pinning HHH, Slimy stopped it. HHH took over and worked on RVD’s educated left leg (The one that hold three degrees from Harvard; the right one hold three degrees from Princeton). RVD came back and nailed HHH with a Five Star Splash, only to get crowned by a shot with the Belt from Slimy. HHH is DQ’d and keeps the Title. Wrong! GOE makes another appearance and changes match to No DQ, Falls Count … , etc., etc. HHH headed up the ramp. (I smell an appearance by Kane on its way.) Cowboy Bob Randy Orton III shows up and helps HHH. HHH nails RVD with the Belt and its off to sleepy land for RVD. HHH keeps the Title to the complete surprise of the entire crowd and TV audience. Show over.
Wait. Show not over. It’s Kane, ugly but no horns and not spewing anything. He grabs RVD for a Choke Slam. GOE calms the savage (scenes of Frankenstein and the five year old little girl flash thru my mind). Instead he Choke Slams GOE off the stage into a pile of crap. Kane is bald and ugly, but The WWE did a pretty crappy job. He should have been made to look like the monster they portrayed him to be. The BIG Ugly is ten times scarier to look at than Kane. Show over.
