Disclaimer: Tricksy hobbits are always stealing my precious, that being “The Truth”. So, since those furry-footed rabbit f***ers stole all that is right, everything in this column is a lie, and any resemblance is merely a figment of your, or my, imagination, and hence, doesn’t really resemble the truth intentionally, possibly even at all.
Welcome freaks of nature, I’m Michael Blaszkowski, and I thank you people for feelin’ me. I’m feelin’ you, too. Enough Kid Rock-isms, let’s roll, because some seriously big news is shaking up everyone’s favorite long-running independent wrestling website…
TBL Top Story
Martin Hawrysko, author of “Mark My Words”, News Analysist, and Chief of Staff, is taking leave from The Balrog’s Lair
In an e-mail to the staff of the website, Mr. Hawrysko stated the following:
To the good folks of The Balrog’s Lair Web site:
Starting for now on, please e-mail all your columns, news, spoofs, any material whatsoever to myself AND Adam Gorzelsky. Adam’s e-mail address is (censored). I am going to continue posting the majority of stuff for the time being, while introducing Adam to the posting process. This will help take a load off my back. My time at TBL is reaching its final peak, as my interest in professional wrestling is at an all time low, and I myself, may not even be qualified to run a wrestling site in due time. So that is the latest from my end of the block, so please send all your stuff to myself and Adam. Thank you.
Shocking news to say the least. Many experts now wonder what drove him to the edge, and what pushed him over. Some look to a previous edition of the News and Spoofs, in which I implied that he was a D&D nerd who liked stuff animals. Soon after that came out, Martin was harassed daily by Star Wars nerds, armed with toy lightsabers, who beat him over the head for his kind’s transgressions, the worst of which having a successful system for role-playing games, driving West End’s Star Wars pencil and paper RPG out of business and allowing Wizards of the Coast to takeover. Or something. Not that I know about such things.
Others who study the Internet Wrestling Community believe that it might have to do with the recent edition of the Stable Hand. After it debuted, although many fans believed it to be funny, Vince McMahon got upset and called Joe Balrog at his Caribbean home. Balrog, worried that Vince would force him to join the Kiss My Ass club, immediately reprimanded Mr. Butler with a $20 fine. Butler refused to pay the fine, mostly because those $20 were his last, and earned by unspeakable acts of illegal prostitution with Michael Jackson’s Blanket. What, you thought I was gonna crack on him for sleeping with Michael Jackson himself? Dude, even I’m not that ruthless…
Anyway, after Butler refused, Balrog told Martin to get the $20 from him, whatever means necessary. Long story short, Butler has two hollow points in his head and bloody hole out the back, and Martin is forced to leave the country. Still, I think Zimbabwe has Internet, doesn’t it?
The most popular theory, though, involves Stephanie McMahon. Apparently, ever since she got the book, she has sucked the life out of wrestling, and only Heyman has been able to salvage anything until recently. Martin, sick of wrestling always sucking, hopes that by unplugging from the Internet, the rumor-mongering, the revealing of every damn storyline 2 months before it happens, and the constant negativity, he’ll be able to enjoy wrestling, rejuvenate his love of it, and return better then ever. See Zenk? You drove him to it. You bastard.
What this means
With Martin out of the way gone, “Mr. PTR” Adam Gorzelsky will be in charge of posting, and essentially take over for Martin while he goes on hiatus. This means that, until Adam adjusts, you may see some minor mistakes befitting someone with such low intelligence. Wait. Fuck! I can’t make fun of Adam anymore! Dammit, he’ll be able to add in Editor’s note to anything I fucking send in! He can censor me and rewrite me! Oh shit, now I gotta treat him respect. Maybe I’ll even need to *gulp* indulge his fantasy that he didn’t get creamed in our Pardon The Ring encounter. Oh cruel God, take me now!
Psych. Y’all ain’t getting rid of me that easy.
Anyway, Adam’ll be in charge, and you may even see others stepping in with some help. After my new feature debuts (Friday the 21st, in 3 days! Gotta love the plug…), I’ll be helping redesign PTR. Eddie, creator of the Eddie Burger, will be taking over Martin’s job of Chief of News, and Josh Luce will…well…continue to suck. Sorry dude.
When asked to comment on the situation, Joe Balrog had this to say: “.….” When allowed to sober up, though, he explained how everything would be okay, because he had great workers like the Fozmaniac, Doug Kolman, and Matt, which counteracted the horrible babblings of people like Michael Blaszkowski, Josh Luce, and Adam Gorzelsky. At this point, I beat him with a salmon until he pissed his wife’s pants.
So folks, there you have it, the whole story. If I get my way, then soon you’ll see a few changes around here, like them letting me go back to adding things like “Minister of Necrophilia” and “TBL’s only stillborn” on the end of my name and a return back to the days before the site updates were jobbed to the discussion forums.
In seriousness…
Although most everything in it was a blatant lie, Martin is going to unplug for a few months sometime soon. He’s been watchin’ over me since back at TPWW, and it’s gonna be weird suggesting all my crazy ideas to someone new. From all of us here at TBL, and myself especially, thank you for your hard work, and here’s hoping you come back soon.
And um…yep, that’s all for me. Until Friday, my little Balrogs, this is Michael Blaszkowski, and I did pull over. I mean, come on, that ass WAS too phat, just like Trina said. I’ll catch you this weekend for my new feature, then the No Way Out PPV review, then News and Spoofs in one week’s time. One last thing: I love you all, more then anyone but my friend Mr. Spanky can know. With that, g’night folks, and good riddance to me.
