By Michael Blaszkowski
Disclaimer: Everything you read from “Disclaimer” to “g’night folks” is a bald, or hairy, faced lie. It stalks fair folk like yourself home from work and places bio-degradable listening devices on your coat. Sometimes, just sometimes, it dabbles in the dark arts and calls upon the Elder Gods. That is, of course, only when the stars align properly. What I’m trying to say here is: don’t believe everything you read: especially on the Internet, and especially me.
Welcome to the News and Spoofs el-numero 7. My name is Michael Blaszkowski, and since you’re reading this, I presume that Martin actually put the link for this one on the update bar, unlike Edition 6, which was only added retroactively, and hence, was probably TOTALLY missed by anyone. Granted, it’s not like I update on time more then once a month, but I swear, that boy is trying to kill my readership…all two of them. So, for Mr. and Mrs. Lobos, “Tienes tus gafas? Entonces vamos piedra, madre camionero”. (If that didn’t translate right, don’t blame me; blame them.)
TBL Top Story
Top WWE SuperStar “The Hurricane” Shane Helms has been injured!
For those who are unaware, this may be the worst news in the HISTORY of sports-entertainment! For the last year, ratings on RAW have been spiraling downward towards an abyss of despair the like of which only those who’ve watched “The Osbournes” have ever seen. With ratings on the slide, only someone as popular and charismatic as Jesus, or even The Beatles, could help. Jesus, The Beatles, or “The Hurricane”, that is!
However, right as wrestling was poised to take back mainstream appeal from the clutches of those reality show heathens, wrestling’s last, best hope for peace, The Hurricane, suffered either a neck OR an ankle injury, according to RajahWWF.com’s reading of the PWT newsletter.
A neck OR an ankle injury. Yeah, because it’s so hard to tell the difference between the two. F***ing hell, if you don’t even know which of the freaking two is injured, wouldn’t you say that maybe the information might not be the most ready to be put in a newsbyte? If you’re not even sure what of two different, distant, and distinct body parts are injured, maybe you might wanna just say “I got nothing!”. Hacks…
In Other News
WWE SmackDown! may be moving to the WB network.
The Dubba-dubba-dubba-dubba U B has expressed interest in everyone’s favorite male soap opera. This is great news for Wrestling fans, because, as a previous edition of the News and Spoofs revealed, UPN may end up going out of business sooner rather then later. This tidbit means that, even if everyone’s favorite Star Trek lovin’ channel goes under, WWE SmackDown! still has a place to live, and live free!
Besides the possibility of moving before hand, rumor has it that WWE may just move anyway once their contract runs up. This is due to UPN’s daughter, Moesha, and her annoying habit of leaving her toenail clippings everywhere. WWE asked Moesha nicely to stop leaving her fuggin’ nasty ass nails all up in their sink, but Moesha kept on doing it. WWE even sent had its fellow TNN show 18 Wheels of Justice talk to UPN about cleaning up Moesha’s act. Alas, the situation remains unresolved to this day.
In other other news, everybody’s favorite bastard child of a TV program, WWE RAW, has been allowed to move out of the dog house and back into its upstairs room, which has currently been converted into a poker room.
Vincent K. McMahon and Co. have decided that maybe they should focus on RAW, possibly hoping to raise it back up to quality standards. The results of this effort have been noticeable in recent weeks, as the inquiry to all current staff about suggestions for the flailing show have turned back many suggestions which have made RAW a good programme once again. This is all set to change once Stone Cold comes back, though, as current plans having him reject everything the writing staff wants to do, refuse to put over any up and comers (see Brock Lesnar), and piss on Arn Anderson…literally.
(On a side-note, Austin has since seen a doctor and his urine is no longer the color of Mountain Dew.)
THQ has released a survey, asking you to help them…help you. Their current plan to help them? Giving you a videogame that doesn’t suck. How you can help them to help you? By taking the survey. Please note, anyone who doesn’t list WWF No Mercy as their favorite game is the wrestling fan equivalent of the Big Show. This, of course, means that Gorzelsky will kill you with his bare hands and a cheese grater.
RNN UPDATE
Randy Orton may not be able to wrestle for another month. A support group will be formed later this week , so keep an eye on the newsboards for that.
This Just In
TBL Columnist Steve Ashfield was spotted walking down the street this week. His adoring fans, flocking to his every whim, charged at him, asking him to sign their carefully made signs. Some samples include “I AM A STEVE ASHFIELD FAN!!!!!” and the ever-popular “ASHFIELD UPDATES LESS THEN EVEN BLASZKOWSKI”, and even my personal favorite “ALL CHANGE ISN’T JUST A NONSENSICAL TERM, IT’S A WAY OF LIFE”!
Unfortunately, the English Language police and anyone who hates “yelling” staged a joint sting soon afterwards, killing him, his style of titles, and his pet dog Foo-Foo. Foo-Foo was 87 and will be sorely missed.
Deep Fried Tid-Bits
Seth Mates is a tea-pot. No word if he is short or stout.
Jeff Hardy has stopped smoking pot. Thankfully, marijuana is a gateway drug, and as such, Jeff is now on the harder stuff, like crack.
After seeing Nathan Jones wrestle, everyone in the arena committed seppuku. None of them will be missed, according to Chris Jericho, because they were “useless untalented assclowns.”
Brock Lesnar is scary, especially to that girl who said no to him. His neck muscles flared out, he charged forward, and said “I told you to kill your husband! Dammit, you can’t tell me no! I’m Brock Lesnar!”
What? You thought he raped a girl? Please, he’s much too nice for that, although, apparently he isn’t too nice for premeditated homicide and conspiracy charges.
In seriousness…
I make tons of jokes about Balrog, Martin, and the crew, but in truth, y’all know I’m joking, right? I mean, how could Eddie T. and Luce be having sex? Luce doesn’t even have those parts, damn eunuch. But yeah, I make tons of jokes, but go give everyone on the site a read. Most every edition of every column you see up there is a good read, whether I agree with their wrong opinions or not.
I can’t even go a freakin’ paragraph without a joke, how sad is that? Anywhoo, I’m out, kidlings, and what that, I plunge myself through the ring of fire. I’ve got wittiness on order from the Acme Co., I’ve a humor transplant from the now-near defunct TPWW (God rest its soul), and I’m ready to whoop upon some ass if y’all don’t recognize. This is Michael Blaszkowski, and as always happens each week, this News is all Spoofed out. G’night folks.
– E-mail feedback to MichaelBlaszkowski@yahoo.com
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