By Michael Blaszkowski
Disclaimer: Everything you read below is a stinkin’ lie, even though they are generally based off of a news byte, rumor milling, or sometimes, just sometimes, a vision sent to me by God. Well, they’re not sent to me by God himself, but rather my inner Daimon, which speaks in tongues. That’s opposed to my inner Daemon, which tells me to burn things. Like people. All the time.
Welcome, my fine feathered friend. My name is Michael Blaszkowski, and I doubt a single damn person knows what in the hell that first paragraph was all about. For once, I wasn’t being totally crazy, honest. Go study some Greek or something, that’s where my old philosophy teacher told me it came from. Oh, and Clevinger? Thanks for the “burning” bit, as always when I steal that joke. I love it dearly, so much so that I won’t soil it with my low-grade “Kung Pao” jokes. This time. You got your goggles on? Then let’s rock motha’trucka’.
TBL Top Story
In news that shocked everyone today, The Rock is considering retirement from ProWrestling.
The Rock was caught on the set of his now-wrapped film, Helldorado (weren’t they changing that?), by an Internet personality who’s name escapes me because I don’t actually bother to credit this crap since it’s all twisted into humor and not reported as actual news anyway. This unknown person, let’s call him Betty, asked Mr. Johnson a few different questions, each time getting a different answer. Luckily, this went better then his last interview, when on the 2nd question, “what is your favorite color?”, Justin Credible answered wrong and Betty was forced to eject him off the bridge.
When the topic of WrestleMania came up, Rock said he expected to fight Hulk Hogan. In preparation, he’s studied many old tapes, including “The Exorcist”, “The Quick and the Dead”, and “Tomb Raider”. He reportedly studied the second tape because it sounded like it was dealing with his match, what with him being fast and Hogan being dead. He studied the first tape because he wanted to learn how previous people had dealt with unholy spirits like Hogan’s. He studied the third tape because, well, it has titties. Big titties.
Finally, though, the big question was asked: what is your future in wrestling? After a quick call to Miss Cleo, The Rock explained to Betty that WWE was in Rock’s past, and that, after Backlash, he may just call it quits, so that he can focus on movies. When asked if he might return someday, Rock said “Sure, once Hollywood rejects me, I’ll be back. Just like Foley once his book doesn’t sell.”
In Other News
Speaking of Foley, WWE is thinking about adding Rhyno to Triple H’s little 4 Horsemen remix. They are considering this because, even though Rhyno doesn’t fit into the group and which additionally already has the “monster” type, he is semi-over. This is all part of WWE’s new operation: Get Triple H over by pushing younger talent until the crowd responds, then job them to H and make him God of the lower realms.
Bill Goldberg, fan favorite and master of the Concussion Kick, is possibly on his way to WWE. In theory, he’d face Rock, who I guess would have to face Hogan at No Way Out. Personally, I’d rather see him fight Hogan in a match, one that involved lots of mule kicks to a running Hogan. Ha, just kidding, I don’t wanna see anyone hurt. Except, of course, for that kid Francis Conlan. That little arse, thinks he’s all hot because he’s got a genius-IQ level, is reasonably cute, and can even speak well in front of crowds. Steal MY girl, will you…
Nathan Jones wrestled his first match, and by all reports, it sucked the big one. Because of this, look for them to push him full steam into the main event. I mean, he’s 7′, right? After all the hype, all Vince’s masturbatory promos, you think that this guy isn’t gonna be huge? Ha! Get it? Huge? He’s 7′, of course he’s big. It’s a play on words. Wait…Its…Its…aw, f*** it, I apologize for this column, truly. In fact, let me be the first to welcome Eric Butler to the gang, as he debuts with his TBL exclusive column, The Stable Hand. And now, to truly welcome him to our little circus sideshow…
This Just In
TBL’s own Eric Butler, in a press conference earlier held earlier today, answered questions from adoring fans. Here now, I present a transcript:
Press Member (Press): So Eric, how does it feel to be working at TBL?
Eric Butler (Eric): Well, while applying for the job, it felt surprisingly like giving Martin head. Afterwards, well, it felt great. For him at least.
Press: Eric, how did you get your column’s namesake, “The Stable Hand”?
Eric: Well, it’s a long story, actually. See, once, back in the day, I worked on a farm as a stable hand. Hmm, guess it’s not that long of a story.
Press: What is your first order of business at The Balrog’s Lair?
Eric: I’m currently working on a story that will blow the LID off of WWE. Did you know that Triple H may be subverting various superstar’s pushes, dating even as far back as 2000?
At this point, the meeting concluded, mostly because Josh Luce had stumbled onto the pavilion, drunk as a Kennedy, high as a kite, and naked as my mom when someone pulls out a $20. Joe Balrog, thinking as quickly as he could, set Luce on fire, exclaiming “What flaming man?”
Deep fried Tidbits
I have a message for someone named “Shawty” from one 50-Cent. “Go Shawty. It’s yo’ birthday.”
Reportedly, The RAW roster is tired after having to wrestle so much. This is in addition to the normal broken bones, sprained ankles, and other shit they normally deal with. What the f***, guys, can’t you at least pretend that you only report real news?
Nova has been signed, and soon, will wrestle for the Cruiserweight title on…where the f*** is the Cruiser title, anywhoo?
I have a splitting sinus headache, have no sleep, have homework yet to do, and have to be up in 6 hours. Yet, I’m still here writing this for you? Why? Because Martin pays me $20 per column, that’s why.
Actually, I wish. If I ever got paid in something other then “the love of the game” I’d be forced to move out of my cardboard box and stop drinking piss. Ah well, at least I still have my laptop…
In Seriousness…
I gotta go do some homework, so it’s time for this column to head down the Triple A Way. My wittiness left me for my wife, and so, here’s is my ultra sad-ass catchphrase. Michael Blaszkowski, signing off; consider this 6th edition of the News all Spoofed out. G’night, folks.
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