By Michael Blaszkowski
Disclaimer: Everything from here on down is a lie, so believe nothing, you know? It’s all a joke. Any resemblance to the…blah blah blah. You know what? I just lost $283 to my college over some idiot’s mistake, and, after books and stuff, this poor white boy don’t have the cash for that just now. Not only is everything on this webpage a lie, and not indicative of what other TBL columnists think, I’m also thinking it’s going to be a misdirection of some pent up f***ing anger. Don’t worry, kiddies, I still love you, although not in that sick, R. Kelly kinda way. In fact, let me change kiddies to Internet readers…
Welcome to the 5th edition of the News and Spoofs. I’m your host, Michael Blaszkowski, and if you mistakenly clicked on this link thinking you were getting News in a spiffy, easy-to-read format, well, the name’s not Eddie. In fact, all you cowpokes are in for an utterly (not udderly) milk-tastic ride. You got your goggles on? Then let’s rock motha’trucka.
The Top Story
This week’s TBL Top Story revolves, once again, around the Rattlesnake “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
Eric Bischoff, in the latest episode of RAW, launched a bombshell, one that he claimed was the biggest bombshell he’d ever laid. From the man who introduced us to the nWo, the Elimination Chamber, and others, this announcement promised to be big. Imagine everyone’s surprise when it turned out the bombshell was the return of Sir Walksoutalot. Bombshell? Come on, us ‘net folks have known that little tidbit for months, you jest, right Mrs. Shirley?
Alas, Shirley did not jest. The big announcement was only big to those wrestling fans without an Internet connection and/or the will to search for naked pictures of Trish, only to mistakenly stumble across a fart joke and decide to read this amazing fan site for a few weeks. This means that while the 3 million average Joe fans were happy, shocked, and surprised, us ‘net folks get to bitch about how “Why didn’t they do something we didn’t see was coming”. I’d now like to direct that question to our resident Chief of Staff, Chief Gorza…Gazelle…Gor-zel-sky. Ha, I finally got it.
“How could they have done something you didn’t know about when you ignorant f***ers break every little single tidbit of crap that might resemble news someday under the right light and in zero gravity!?”
Any response to that comment can be sent to its rightful owner, Adam Gorzelsky, author of the Anti-Electronist. Actually, I apologize; he didn’t actually say that. I just used my homemade Cerebro to rip the thought from his mind while he slept and/or killed kittens. Actually, I apologize again; I came up with the thought and just attributed it to him so he’d get the hate mail. I tell ya’: that’s what you get when you let chimpanzees type. Eep eep.
In Other News
Hulk Hogan is still lobbying to get back on television. The two sides are at a standstill, though, as John Edwards suffered a heart attack and Hulk Hogan could no longer communicate with the world of the waking.
The Rock may be playing a heel when he comes back. Actually, he will most definitely be playing a heel, whether he likes to or not. The question lays in whether him and WWE will even recognize that fact.
Raven and Justin Credible were released recently. When reached for comment, Justin Credible had the following to say: “I’m still wrestling? I thought I started a travel agency for the stars or something. Yo Raven, you hear of this?” To which Raven responded “My masterpiece will be complete!” and stomped on Justin’s fingers before stapling a sign to his forehead that read “Greed”.
Kevin Nash was working out in the ring before the Royal Rumble pay-per-view, preparing himself for his return. In order to get back into ring shape, he followed one of his standard matches from beginning to end. Although his doctor’s have not cleared him to take a bump, after they witnessed his style of match, they did clear him for an in-ring return.
This Just In
Eddie T. has been taken to the hospital. Apparently, after his comment in the News and Analysis about “Who was the idiot who nominated 6 people for Superstar of the Decade but was hesitant to add a 7th person like Shawn Michaels, or hell even make it 10 and add guys like Hogan, Yoko, Nash, etc?”, the idiot in question attacked him with a baseball bat, crushing in his nose. This idiot, who wishes only to be known as K. Dunn, was more then a match for the TBL native, who suffered a broken face. When the doctors were questioned on “how a man can have a broken face?”, they pointed to a spot in the corner of the room, exclaimed “Look! A butterfly!”, then bolted out of the room while shouting “Yoink!”. This news has struck all of us hard, but it struck Eddie hardest of all, being that it struck him with a baseball bat. A metal baseball bat. In the face.
In Seriousness…
The Royal Rumble rocked like few Rumbles before it. RAW was a great start to the Road to WrestleMania. Chris Jericho, Booker T., Matt Hardy, and my favorite character on RAW, Randy Orton, all are set to, with the proper push, make it big. Rock comes back in February. “Stone Cold” comes back in February. Shane’s coming back, one way or another, and there’s a possibility that both Hogan and Goldberg will be at WrestleMania. Many times since WrestleMania 16 has wrestling threatened to get good, only to stumble backwards and suck after a few months. However, with all the good going for it, I’m thinking WWE deserves some positive thinking. Many times they’ve made me a fool before, but I still am willing to say the following. By WrestleMania XX, WWE will be back on top. And that rise, well, it starts at WrestleMania 19. If I were you, this is where I’d start to get hyped.
And with that, my faithful fan base of two, the revolution comes to a close. My wittiness, as always, is non-existent, so let’s just hit up the sad-ass catchphrase, as always, and head out. This is Michael Blaszkowski, and this News is all Spoofed out. G’night folks.
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