By Michael Blaszkowski
Disclaimer: Everything in this column is a lie, warped and blended for my own master plan. Of course, by “my own master plan”, I mean your amusement. And by “your”, I mean anyone out there who blindly stumbles across this in a weed-induced stupor. Read with caution, remembering that everything in here resembles the truth only incidentally, whatever the f*** that means. Oh, and to Mr. Chavez, Prince called: he wants his song back.
Welcome, this is the 4th edition of the News and Spoofs, guaranteed to f*** you up like 3 fifths on a Saturday night. My name is Mike, I’m an alcoholic, and sometimes I wonder exactly what the meaning of life is. Random and weird as always, here’s your weekly dose of vitamin crap. You got your goggles? Then it’s Spoofin’ time, motha’trucka’.
The Top Story
In somewhat shocking news, UPN may be closing down its doors in August of 2003.
The quick version is that Fox, who may or may not be behind the World Trade Center attacks, is considering saying bye-bye to the 20% of the UPN channels that they own. That would mean that some big cities, including New York and Chicago, would no longer have access to shows such as “Star Trek: Enterprise” and “Moesha.” If Fox decides to take away these fine programming choices from the fans, UPN may just commit suicide in protest, dissolving into 2 smaller television channels, much like certain old-school Zelda baddies.
When reached for comment on this subject, UPN’s spokesperson to The Covenant, Master Chief, had this to say: “I lost a few polygons in my waist for ya’…WORK IT!” Despite the lack of polygons – or maybe because of it – Master Chief looks better then ever, and is set to whoop upon some alien scum with the release of Halo 2.
So what does UPN’s closing mean for the thousands of wrestling fans who still tune in, much like the beaten housewife who goes back to her husband week in and week out? It means that WWE SmackDown!, often reported to be the only quality wrestling program in the USofA (broadcast nation-wide and for free, at least), might be gone from TV. At least, that’s what other people would have you believe. Me, I think TNN would pick it up to replace 29.4 Wheels of Justice or whatever Pig-F***er program those hicks run.
If UPN does close down, though, it might mean that the added benefit of being a network program would be lost. When asked if he thought this might be a problem, Vince McMahon responded with the following: “UPN isn’t a real network, dumbass.” He then got in his personal jet plane, flew to his 17-million dollar vacation home, called up Jim Ross, and proceeded to inform him that WWE couldn’t support its wrestler’s extravagant salaries, causing a company-wide (exempting top-level management, of course) 10% pay-cut. This news caused Brock Lesnar to cry. Look what you did, Vince.
In Other News
Other news? Um…er…Matt got beat over the head this week on Tough Enough? Aww, f*** you, that’s news. He was swollen, and not in the “makes Josh Luce happy” way, either. Alright, alright, let’s try this again.
In Other News
In other somewhat related news, WB is finally presenting competition for the coveted “fifth-place on a Thursday night from 8pm to 10pm” spot. With SmackDown! getting a 4.1 rating, WB decided that it needed some help. So, enlisting the services of the dead soul of Lou Thesz, it trained for the upcoming bout, eating right and staying fit. As the match approached, WB talked smack about UPN, calling it a “wannabe urban network”. This enraged UPN who fired back, calling WB a “rat bastard sonovabitch”. The two finally meet in a few days, and a true winner will be decided.
The Royal Rumble is soon. That is all.
Vince McMahon met with several people over the weekend. The first person was Goldberg, who came in, sat on his lap, and asked for 3 million dollars. Vince McMahon said “Screw you Bill, you’re fired” and shot him in the face with a .44. Next was Steve Austin, who said “I want a pony” in an obvious sign of homosexuality. Vince McMahon, being a homophobe, pulled the trigger of his gun in real fear and mock disgust, shooting the Rattlesnake in the face. Finally, in came a little boy known only as Timmy. Timmy, in a quiet, leukemia-ravaged voice, said “I’d like to see less Triple H on RAW.” Vince, so saddened by the boy’s condition, put him out of his misery by shooting him in the face. “Don’t worry little Timmy”, Vince said with a tear in his eye, “You’ll never have to see Triple H again.”
This Just In
My weekly column, Unspoken, has been sitting in the dusty archives of the TBL Towers since last weekend, unannounced on the main page. Apparently, this is an act of war by Martin, who is very upset by my repeated beating of his face into the ground. The conditions of this war were sent to me via instant messenger yesterday night.
#1HoganFan: Mike? This is Martin.
Auto-Response from threePunk2oo2: I’m currently away from your misery, leave me a message.
#1HoganFan: I have officially declared that our ongoing battles have escalated into a full-on war between the minds! I dubbed this the “Battle of the Balrog’s Best”, and I dub thee heretofore a Knave! ha-HA!
#1HoganFan: As a knave, I now feel the need to explain to you, to the best your primate knave-like comprehension abilities can understand, the rules of our engagements.
#1HoganFan: 1.) You shan’t make fun of my Old English speak when writing your pretend News Reports.
#1HoganFan: 2.) You shan’t reference the one time I asked you if you would…yeah…and you declined.
#1HoganFan: 3.) Under no circumstances will you ever speak of Jakob the Great, my teddy bear and lifelong confidant.
#1HoganFan: That is all, knave, and so I now wish you a good day. As a side note, I’m thinking about firing Adam, he’s much too “Yey for Wrestling” lately. As you know, the Internet frowns upon such things. What is your opinion?
In seriousness…
This is normally where I’d say something, or plug something, or whatever. Um…go check out the Unspoken archives for my last column, or keep an eye out on the main page for when Martin puts it up. And with that, my faithful fan base of two, I guess you could say I’ve gone shootin’. You know, I don’t think anyone’s caught what I’ve been doing at the end of these. Ah well, regardless, it’s checkin’ out time, so D-Von, get the plug (This is Michael Blaszkowski) and cue the catchphrase, you know, because this News is all Spoofed out. G’night folks.
– E-mail feedback to MichaelBlaszkowski@yahoo.com
– AIM Screen Name: threePunk2oo2
– Michael’s Web Site: threePunk v3
