By Michael Blaszkowski
Disclaimer: Everything from here on down is a lie, and any resemblance to the truth is in no way indicative of the remainder of the article’s psychic abilities, or of its relation to reality. This entire column is a joke, funny or otherwise. Please note: these are not the droids you are looking for.
Welcome. I’m Michael Blaszkowski, and this is the News and Spoofs, the only place on the Internet where you can get grade-B comedy served to you with a heapin’ helpin’ of horrible humor on the side. For the record, Almond Joys have nuts: Mounds don’t. As our great forefathers used to say to their illegally gotten wives whilst trippin’ off the raver-loved E: It’s Spoofin’ Time. You got your goggles on? Then let’s rock motha’trucka’.
The Top Story
In our Top Story here at TBL.com, Vince McMahon is rumored to be handing control over RAW to Eric Bischoff.
In a story many find surprising, Vincent K. McMahon is indeed considering giving complete creative control of the RAW brand to Eric Bischoff, his one-time hated rival. Reportedly McMahon feels this will force the writing team to actually, you know, write, as opposed to playing their favorite game “Tell Mr. Mac-Man what he wants to hear.” On news of the impending extra duties he would have, including having to develop characters and maintain some semblance of continuity, Brian Gerwetz jumped from the top of Titan Towers, screaming on the way down “This is all your fault Vince! My blood is on YOUR hands!” Vince was not rattled, however, considering this was the second time he heard this, the first time of course involving one Owen Hart.
Before you let the ‘net tell you this change of management is a bad idea, think of the facts. Fact: Eric Bischoff made WCW very popular for a short period of time. Fact: Eric Bischoff was once viewed as a creative genius. Fact: Eric Bischoff once killed a man in Reno. Fact: Eric Bischoff’s pseudonym is Eddie T. Fact: Eric Bischoff once married Ric Flair, but their bitter divorce has left them hated rivals. Fact: Eric Bischoff is secretly an elf, but the rest of the Light Warriors haven’t caught on yet. Fact: Eric Bischoff may be harmful to your health. Fact: This joke has been beaten into the ground worse then Rob Van Dam’s push. Fact: I am not the momma, but that doesn’t mean you can hit me with a pan.
As the facts state, Hulk Hogan is clearly a member of the unDead. However, Bischoff may yet stand a good chance of turning RAW around. Whereas the writing team currently does and says anything they believe will make McMahon happy, if they answered to Bischoff, they would probably be much more willing to say “shove your push for Bagwell up your ass, Eric, I’m writing Bautista into that segment!”
Current plans for the change in management appear to be set for just after the Royal Rumble, allowing Austin to return to RAW and not have to deal with Gewertz’s shit. You know Gerwetz, the one who got Chyna’s wife to leave in digust? Yeah, that one. What the hell was ‘Pac thinking, anyway…
In Other News
In Other News, SmackDown! focused on the wedding of Dawn Marie to the white man. Torrie Wilson was reportedly upset with the segment, as was her boy-toy Billy Kidman, but neither is willing to voice their opinion to the groom. This just goes to prove my theory: you don’t f*** with Al Roker.
Another story making headlines is Shawn Staziek’s claim that he is on his way back to WWE. He joins the list of people claiming to be on their way back, including Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, The Rock, and Owen Hart. You just can’t keep a good man up down.
Speaking of Austin, he has reportedly been signed to play himself in the claymation masterpiece Celebrity Deathmatch. Taking the role of Steve Austin, he will be part-doctor, part-scientist, part-ProWrestler, and part-wife beater. He’ll be like an omelet, except with more beer. Anyone else think I’m on drugs?
This Just In
I’m insane! B’dee-b’dee-b’dee-that’s all folks! Actually, that’s not all. Mr. Balrog, will you please report to the Office? There’s a man here to see you, and he says to relay this message: the bird flies at midnight. Also, he has a present for you, but the bomb squad is currently in possession of it. No matter how much he says you requested the gift, the officer keeps saying “Any parcel of mail that vibrates must be inspected thoroughly”.
In seriousness…
I realize that some people may have a problem with my Owen Hart references in this column. I hereby direct them to this previous article where I imply my dead grandfather gives me head. I then direct them to this previous column, wherein I state my opinions on jokes being out of bounds. In short: if you are offended, keep it to yourself. Really, what the f*** do I care?
And on that lovely note, my faithful fan base of two, this flash of insight comes to a close. And to that special someone, yes I did get the message, but no, I’m not interested in a 3-way. Mabel is mine, and damn if she ain’t hot. More cushion for the pushin’, you know what I’m saying? Know what I’m saying? Aw f*** it, you wouldn’t know what I’m saying, the closest thing you’ve had to a sexual experience involved your sister and a tight space. Come to think of it, that actual does qualify as a sexual experience, you incestuous sicko. ‘Till next week pseudo-sports fans, this is Michael Blaszkowski, and the week’s News is all Spoofed out. G’night folks.
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