By Michael Blaszkowski
Welcome, I’m Michael Blaszkowski and this is the News and Spoofs. Think of this report as your (insert “whatever-the-f***-holiday-you-celebrate”) present, and me as your mother. I love you like her. I feed you and clothe you like her. I even sleep with you and get you off like her, and yet, you don’t love me like you love her. Why won’t you love me?
Let’s do this one more week, just to keep yous all informed. Meh, I even’s ‘splain it for ya’ real slow, too. Everything I say in here is crap. It’s craptacular, in fact. However, just because we all hope for the things I say in this space to come true (who doesn’t want to see Victoria naked?) doesn’t mean they will. Hell, half the shit I just make up as I go. And if it sounds too vulgar or fake to be true, it most definitely is. Let’s rock, motha’trucka’.
The Top Story
In the Top Story, former WCW champion and ProWrestling icon Bill Goldberg is possibly on his way to the WWE.
During a radio interview, Goldberg decided to let us all in on the truth: he’s gay. Not just normal gay, like certain TBL columnists, but way out there gay. He’s the kind of gay where you sleep with animals gay. Yeah, that gay. When asked how this affected him as a wrestler, fellow Superstar Kevin Nash said “that explains why he always used to feel up Scott Hall in the back after Ol’ ‘Hey Yo’ passed out.” Later on, though, after the anti-homo heat fell away, Billiam had another revelation.
In what some are call a desperation manuever, Vince has reopened negotiations with the legendary “Master of the Spear”. As Goldberg himself confirmed, they are looking to bring him back for WrestleMania X1X in a big money angle, probably feuding him with either The Rock or a returning “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. We here at The Balrog’s Lair tried to reach “Da’ Man” for comment, but he was too busy kicking people in the head and crippling them.
The current card for WrestleMania now looks to include a main event of The Rock versus Goldberg with a co-main event of Triple H versus Kevin Nash versus Shawn Michaels. Other matches could include Kurt Angle versus Brock Lesnar or Hulk Hogan versus Vince McMahon. Many wrestling pundits look at the card and note: there is no A-Train. If WWE hopes to get a buy rate, they better get onboard. Get it? Train humor? You know, get onboard Albert bandwagon, onboard because he’s a train? The A-Train? Get it? Aww, what the f*** do you know.
In Other News
Following the end of his current project, everyone’s favorite actor pretending to wrestle, The Rock, will be back in WWE for an extended period, possibly even half a year. Although he’ll have another movie at next year’s end, he will be a full time wrestler, house shows and everything, for about 6 months. Reportedly, this will cause The Rock some troubles during the transitional period, as he will have to switch his mindset from making bad movies and bad acting to no-selling his opponents finishers and bad acting. He welcomes the challenge.
Also making headlines is the aborted push of Matt Hardy in favor of A-Train. The plan submitted by Paul Heyman had the Mattitude founder attacking Edge and Mysterio and fighting them at Armageddon and Royal Rumble respectively. The plan was changed by Vincent K. McMahon to feature the A-Train, instead, building him as an opponent for a returning Undertaker. In a bit of good news for Matt Hardy, they do have a new storyline to get him over, one which involves lots of jobbing.
You know, the great thing about that last paragraph is the fact that I didn’t even have to make a joke.
Matt’s brother Jeff is also making news, this time for being suspended for missing house shows. The reported punishment for him missing house shows is suspending him from all but necessary appereances, i.e. TV and PPV. This means that he will no longer be allowed to work house shows. Jeff Hardy was reportedly so sad at this, that went and practiced with Peroxwhy?gen like he had during the house show the week before.
This Just In
Last week, at 9:57pm, someone inside The Balrog’s Lair sabotaged the server, causing all the problems we now face with it today. Now, the cops, they don’t know who it is, but I did some investigating of my own and I found out the truth. So Monsterbowler, what did I tell you about trying to make love to the computer!? How many times must we go over this: don’t put that in the zip drive! I swear, between you and M.C., almost every piece of electronics is stuck together.
Final Update
In a story we’ve been working on behind the scenes for the last few months, Triple H is long-winded. He just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. Sometimes he talks so much that I get flashback of my old TPWW columns. His promos rarely entertain, and always run about 15 minutes past my attention span. In fact, during one promo, I went outside, killed a man, dragged his body back inside, bleached it, hung it from a hook on my wall, painted it green, wrapped lights around it, placed my kid’s presents under it, and Triple H STILL was talking. Jeez, Triple H, talking that long is kinda warped and demented, how perverse can you get?
And with that, my faithful fan base of two, this People’s column comes to a close. I’m done trying to be witty, so let’s just hit up the sad-ass catchphrase and head out. This is Michael Blaszkowski, and this News is all Spoofed out. G’night folks.
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