By Michael Blaszkowski
Welcome, I’m Michael Blaszkowski and this is my new project, the News and Spoofs. Martin came up with the idea, partly as a way to showcase my humor (humor, brainwashing, same difference) and partly as a way to keep my warped comments out of the real news, thus avoiding e-mails like “Is Joe Balrog really a Balrog, or just a cheap French imitation?”
Here’s the skinny, skippy: every couple weeks, maybe less if there’s enough News, I’ma scrounge around this Internet wasteland and bring you the top stories. Then, I’m gonna make a joke or two. Then, you’re gonna laugh. Everything I say in here could be the truth, but it is probably made up, so don’t take this as gospel and then go kill your brother for not believing, the damn heretic. Strap in, sid’down, and shud’dup, baby, this feature is now underway.
The Top Story
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin, former WWF World, Intercontinental, and Tag Champion, former King of the Ring, former Royal Rumble winner, and all around good guy, is on his way back to World Wrestling Entertainment television.
As part of the 10th anniversary RAW show, Austin will likely make his re-debut as one of the myriad of performers making their appearances throughout. Although his ratings power might best be used on RAW, he’s been quoted as saying he’d rather go to SmackDown!. I believe the exact quote was “Why would I want to go to RAW? They’ve got Jackie and Victoria and…those girls hit back, you know.”
As part of SmackDown!, Steve Austin would likely be a big name draw, resulting in SmackDown! being over stocked with brand name talent. As part of the restructuring, look for top stars like Edge, Kurt Angle, and John Cena to be traded to RAW. This will give the added star power they need to help ratings hit that coveted 3.5 mark once again.
Austin’s return, however, is resulting in discourse inside the WWE Locker Room. Apparently, many stars on RAW are upset over Austin’s return, citing his unwillingness to work with up-and-comers as a horrible influence to add to the locker room. Some go so far as to say that they will protest, strike, even quit, if he is pushed over them. Of course, WWE management ignores these threats, because they come from Chavo Guerrero and Mark Henry, two people who have just been fired.
Following his return, Austin is expected to engage in a storyline with Triple H. After HBK gets beaten by the Cerebral Assassin, Austin will run down and attack the newly crowned champ. However, neither will be able to decisively defeat the other, as a no-jobbing stipulation in each man’s contract prohibits selling. Instead, they will be forced into beating on the fallen Michaels, playing a game of one-ups-manship with the legend. Eventually, they will both fall down from exhaustion, with Triple H landing conveniently on Austin in a decision that will appease both parties.
In Other News
Hulk Hogan met with Mr. McMahon over the weekend. According to NnS sources, the conversation revolved around a return for the Neon Orange One. Look for him to be at the RAW X show, possibly in an angle with Ric Flair, a match that would showcase why WCW was called WheelChair Wrestling.
Speaking of McMahon, he is apparently upset with the under and midcard wrestlers. Some of them, namely Raven, Stevie Richards, and Matt Hardy, have been attempting to be entertaining and/or original. Now, normally McMahon would just ignore them and book their jobbings to The Big Show for later in the night, but this time around, they’ve actually gotten crowd heat. This has resulted in an uproar from the backstage, since crowd heat was long since thought a myth, only believed in by veterans like Ric Flair who had seen it first hand. To fix this problem of “giving the talented jobbers hope”, the offenders have all been assigned to secondary shows from now on. This will hopefully set a lesson to the Rey Mysterios of the world, that lesson being: Be boring, get pushed. Case in point.
Another story making the rounds involves the ratings. Rumor has it that RAW got a 3.3 this week. This is down exactly .1 from the last week’s 3.4, and is seen as a huge failure for Shawn Michaels. This is almost a shocker, since a couple weeks back, Michaels drew a 3.5, and was seemingly in line for a huge push. Our heart goes out to HBK in this trying time.
This Just In
The Balrog’s Lair’s own Adam Gor-however-the-fuck-you-spell-his-name was just arrested before my very eyes. Apparently, he was the sole assailant in a dark alleyway attack on The Big Show, which killed the 500-pound paperweight. Adam, due to his new schedule of being a cum-dumpster in a local prison, will be unable to fulfill his promise to be in the upcoming Pardon The Ring session. He will be replaced by a plant, and judging by the level of his jokes in previous editions of PTR, no one will even notice.
In seriousness.
I’m headin’ out, but before I go, I wanna take a second to say something. You’re probably going to hear a lot about how “TBL is being updated” or “TBL is God” or “Send Mike money via PayPal” over the next little bit here at The Balrog’s Lair. All this self-blowing is for a reason, folks, and its because we’re kicking it up a notch. We’ve added a few great new columnists, a new section, new designs, and more. Additionally, Eddie T. is consistently putting me to shame with his News Report, Adam Gorzelsky found a super-sized order writing talent with a side of passion that no one could’ve guessed he had, and Martin is even returning to the News game as of late. We’re busting our asses to make this site damn good…well, at least they are. I’m just a lazy f***in’ prick who writes his shit a minute before deadline, and trust me, it shows. Either way, though, each and every improvement and drop of sweat is for your entertainment. If something works, let us know, and if it doesn’t, tell us that too. We’re improving and moving, baby, but if you don’t read it and let us know what you like, we ain’t nothin’.
With that, my faithful fan base of two, I’m hitting the street. I’ll be back soon, and hopefully, you will be too. This is Michael Blaszkowski, and to coin another useless catchphrase, this News is all Spoofed out. G’night folks.
– E-mail feedback to MichaelBlaszkowski@yahoo.com
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