By Michael Blaszkowski
TheBalrogsLair.com’s Minister of Necrophilia
Yo. My name is Michael Blaszkowski, but you can call me Essa Rios. I’m officially 18 as of November 1st, and dammit, it feels good. Not only that, I voted for the first time earlier today/yesterday night, and dammit, it feels good. Finally, later this week I have to go register for the draft, and dammit…well, actually, that doesn’t feel so good.
Before I get started, go check out Eddie’s News report from last week. As a fellow News writer here I can squarely say his effort blows mine outta the damn water. He covered a lot, did it well, and kept it entertaining to. Shit, with competition like this, I’m gonna have to start trying. Well, either that or threaten his life next time I see him backstage at TBL headquarters.
Speaking of threatening people’s lives backstage, Scott Steiner’s debut is fastly approaching, and although no one really seems to know when it will be, I’d bet on an appearance at Survivor Series, probably to be bid on by both Bischoff and Stephanie. Although he’s expected to be headed to RAW, presumably as a face to battle Triple H, I actually think he might head to SmackDown!. RAW might not need him as much as they claim, considering they have Triple H, RVD, Booker T, and others ready to step up. SmackDown!, however, has a champ in Brock Lesnar with, after the Big Show, no one to fight. A rumored angle with Angle has been much talked about, but I’d assume they’ll blow off his and Benoit’s feud before they push Kurt back to the main event. That gives a month of dead air, and being honest, Steiner could be perfect to fill it. Both Lesnar and Steiner are faces, but since Heyman has made it clear that he wants Brock a heel, what better way to do it then “accidentally” use Steiner to turn him back. Plus, if he gets sent to SmackDown!, he can be built up to a main event level better, simply because Heyman is on fire as of late. Whereas RAW, however…well, read this.
“You subject yourself to this? For two hours every week?”
“Twice a week, actually.”
“Jesus. That’s worse then cutting.”
-My friend Adam and I’s conversation following RAW.
As I’m sure you can guess from the above commentary, RAW was pretty pathetic. Its rating stayed about the same (1Wrestling reports it as 3.5), but then again, after a week of casket-humping, who’d turn off RAW just because it was boring? Seriously, for every decent Rob Van Dam/Christian-type match, there was two Booker T. & Kane/Triple H & Jericho-type matches. For every “Booker T. decides he’s a main eventer” promo, there was a “Victoria is handed a mic again” -styled debacle. When William Regal is part of one of the better matches on the show, you know its bad.
There were, however, the beginnings of some good things. For one, Al Snow proved why he’s still highly underrated. For another, Maven proved that the crowd still remembers him. Hopefully, both of these realizations will help bookerman GeWertz decide to give the upcoming “Chris No-Win-Sky and Maven” feud the attention it deserves. That match could be good for what it is: a potentially hot undercard battle to hype up the crowd at Survivor Series. Neither would be mistaken for a ring general, but give them 5 minutes to shine with significant story backing and I bet you the crowd will eat it up.
In other, bigger news, Shawn Michaels will be main-eventing again, this time in the 6-man Elimination Chamber match at Survivor Series. This main event has the potential to go many ways, some good, some not so good. First up is the obvious way to go, that being: Keep the belt on Triple H. Many would argue that Triple H has failed as a champion and the best course of action is to test out a new champ. I say: if Trips loses now, after a couple months of defending the belt, without a storyline surrounding the change, would only take away what little importance the belt has. (Granted, there is a storyline if Kane we’re to win, but that storyline sucked and didn’t really build to anything.)
Three other options are: Booker T., Rob Van Dam, or Chris Jericho win. Although any of these options are salvageable, they all go back to the “no storyline build-up” thing. Granted, sometimes shock angles are great and all, but unless they get behind it, it’ll never work. And let’s be serious, as much as we all want to see Booker T. become a 6-time, 6-time, 6-time, etc…, World champion, Vince would never let him truly run with it. As much as a quick Rob Van Dam win would rock, they’ll never give him the 4 months of domination it’d take to get over his character as a serious player. So, since those options are pretty much out, there’s just one possibility left: Shawn Michaels.
Storylines involving returning heroes overcoming their ailments are always dramatic. Considering the new “soap-opera” style of writing, it might make some sense to have HBK come back and struggle each pay-per-view to hold on to his last shot at glory. If he could take 1 match per month for 5 months, you have a legend that the crowd loves struggling to go out on top at the biggest show of the all. If played right, you also have his would-be assassin, Triple H, ready to take away that glory. Playing up the history Trips had with Foley, and Shawn’s rapidly deteriorating health might even make the confrontation a serious moneymaker. However, this would all bank on Michaels’ health, and to be honest, I doubt it can hold out. Still, look for either him or Trips to take the match and the belt. Anything less would be…suck.
One thing no one has mentioned is: there are 4 good guys in this match. That leaves 2 bad guys, and ones who hate each other at that. Way I see it, you can’t have a match where you have 4 good guys who all can team together and like each other and leave 2 bad guys who’ve been feuding for years. I’d look for someone to turn, either before the show or at it, and even up the scores. Since HBK and Kane are out based on their feud with HHH, I’d say it’d have to be either Booker or RVD, if it happens. And, considering Booker is on the rise and the fans are loving him, if this turn does happen, its gonna be him. That’s right, I think Booker T. is going to turn, and going to turn soon. At least, I hope he does, feuds with RVD for a few months, establishes his superiority, then takes out whomever is champion. Eh, no matter how it ends up, though, you can expect one hell of a contest. RVD + Booker T + HBK + Jericho + Triple H + Kane + Crazy new gimmick match = must-see PPV for sure.
On the SmackDown! end of Survivor Series, we’ve got a less spectacular main event. The Big Show, having been traded to SmackDown!, now stalks the WWE champ Brock Lesnar. Despite their best efforts (Show takes out ‘Taker, Heyman worries aloud), Show just doesn’t seem like a main-eventer. Still, if they were going to do this feud, doing it the same month as the Elimination Chamber was a bright idea. Obviously, WWE brass is hoping this match will put Lesnar over as not just a monster, but a monster-killer as well. I’d assume this feud won’t last more then a month, but the payoff is something I’m worshipping. Big Show getting F5’ed should be a thing of beauty.
With all my Survivor Series talk, I didn’t not never address what the card looks like. That said, here it is, prettied up and wearing hooch-shorts:
-RAW-
World Championship match (Elimination Chamber match)
-Triple H(c) v. Kane v. Booker T. v. Chris Jericho v. Rob Van Dam v. Shawn Michaels
WWE Women’s Championship match (Hardcore rules)
–Trish Stratus(c) v. Victoria
***Grudge match***
-Maven v. “Harvard” Chris Nowinsky
***Grudge match (Table match?)***
–Jeff Hardy/Bubba Dudley/Spike Dudley v. Three Minute Warning (Rico, Rosie and Jamal)
-SmackDown!-
WWE Championship match
-Brock Lesnar(c) v. The Big Show
***WWE SmackDown! Tag Championship match***
-Chris Benoit/Kurt Angle(c) v. Edge/Rey Mysterio
Of course, this card is subject to change. Further, anything surrounded by “***” is just rumored and/or my guess, so take it as such. Finally, I’d expect them to add a Survivor Series match, just to round out the card, possibly even 5 RAW guys v. 5 SmackDown! guys to determine which promotion is “better”. Damn, that could be a freakin’ cool annual tradition to look forward to. Don’t laugh, we had it last year.
Lots of live reports are saying that a 10-man tag match was filmed after RAW, featuring Triple H, Kane, and 8 others. Well, it looks like this (along with a match filmed at the SmackDown! tapings) are going to be shown on some form of Survivor Series special to air on UPN sometime over the next couple weeks. This show should appear sometime Tuesday night, so check your listings, biatch!
1Wrestling reports that Hogan was to be back for Survivor Series. However, he felt that he should beat Brock and become champion. Heyman and the rest of the writing crew said “ha!”, and until future notice, the Neon Orange one will be staying at home. Everyday, God does something to remind me he’s there.
Alright, lemme start to wrap this up here. But before I do, I offer you some of the reading material this fine site offers. I present…The Blatant Plugs.
-Eddie is back with The Prime Cut, and he wonders aloud whether WWE RAW is going to become WCW Nitro when it hits its 500th episode. I wonder aloud if the show will even hit a 4.0 rating.
-Eddie is back with The Prime Cut, and he wonders aloud whether WWE RAW is going to become WCW Nitro when it hits its 500th episode. I wonder aloud if the show will even hit a 4.0 rating.
-From The Hip, a column of mystery and/or intrigue, is back. Created by a shadowy individual known only as Dave The Sharpshooter, he takes us down memory lane with some of his favorite angles.
-A debut. You know you’re interested. Give in, click it. CLICK IT!
A’ight, my peoples, that’s the end. Hopefully, I’ll be back later this week with some more Unspoken. Before I go, though, I wanna use this “power” I have and “blatantly abuse” it. Check out my website. Its still being tweaked and doesn’t have all that much content yet, but I promise ya, its on its way. Hell, by the time this gets posted and shit, you may find more then a few things in the Humor section. Until then, um…check out version 2 of the site, it has plenty, including multiple wrestling-related jokes. Now that that painfully dull pimping of my site is over, this News Report is too. Until next time, my loyal Mop-lovers, this is Michael Blaszkowski saying “Muffins taste like soap. You’re welcome.” I’m out, yo, peace.
