Yo. Folks, I am a changed man. My life is fast on the road to improvement, and I have one thing, one change, one way of life, to thank. Mr. Hardy, I thank you. I have become a steadfast follower of Mattitude; I have taken him as my example; I have taken his “Mattributes” as my own. Now, with his belief system in my life, I have the drive, the intensity, the power, to change my life. Take your life from its base in mediocrity. Step up and realize your true potential. Grab hold of your destiny. Find yourself: find Mattitude. Playa’, you ready for some News?
So, Kane isn’t just a killer, but he’s a necrophiliac too. Yes, folks, RAW had many revelations, but beyond “Victoria can’t act” and “Even Triple H can’t stop from laughing at this horrible angle”, we also learned that Katie Vick was a girl Kane liked once ten years ago. So, they went to a party (must have been one of those times when Paul Bearer let him out of the house and his training, you know, back when Kane was being raised by him) and Kane drove home. Car crashed, she died, end of story. Until Triple H came out and said “Yo dude, there was your semen on her body.” Yep, that’s right, CSI came on about an hour and a half earlier then normal. Except this episode of CSI had bad storylines and atrocious acting, starring Terri “Look at my ribs” Runnels. Yeah, it may be going somewhere, but my guess is, the storyline is going only one place: straight into the ground and through it, right through hell. Guess what: we’re all along for the ride. Hey Adam, RAW sucked, who was right yet again?
Actually, RAW didn’t suck. I mean, it did, and the majority of the backstage thinks so too, along with the vast majority of the IWC, but Vince McMahon and Stephanie really liked it, so guess what: it didn’t suck. I can’t wait until next week when The Hurricane realizes he has split personalities, Jeff Hardy gets confronted about a drug problem by Rob Van Dam, and Tommy Dreamer struggles with his personal life as his new bride complains about him skipping their honeymoon to dance/roll around with guys.
On SmackDown!, there was a whole lot of the banner raising ceremony and saluting the Red Wings past. That’s right, it got freakin’ pre-empted, week before the PPV. I’d go read the recap and spit it back, but to be honest, if you’re reading an Internet wrestling site and didn’t see SmackDown!, it was probably by choice.
The above shows being done with, all the hype being played to death, we now have ourselves a Pay-Per-View. The card is definitely a “5 of hearts” this time, as opposed to Survivor Series “Ace of Spades”. Matches include:
-SmackDown! Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar takes on The Undertaker (for said Heavyweight Championship) in a legendary Hell in the Cell match.
-RAW “Champ-een” Triple H takes “The Big Red Dead-Body Raping Machine” Kane, once again for the slightly aforementioned Championship, in what will be the last appearance of the Intercontinental title ever (stipulation of ever subject to WWE terminology, meaning 4 weeks).
-The finals of SmackDown!’s Tag Team tournament to crown the first-ever SD! Tag Champions, which features Rey Mysterio Jr. and Edge taking on Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle in what should be an absolutely amazing match.
-Booker T. and Goldust challenge “The King of the World” Chris Jericho and “No haircuts for me” Christian for the RAW Tag Titles. -Rob Van Dam will take on Ric Flair in the “look how far this feud has fallen” match of the night. -Victoria will challenge the 2002 Babe of the Year (as decided by WWE.com) Trish Stratus for the women’s title.
I’d expect another match to be added, mind you, so add in “feud of the month” match at the bottom. Maybe SmackDown! announced another match, I dunno. WWENoMercy.com hasn’t yet, so I’ll trust them.
The Pay Per View itself could go either way. Any match with Rob Van Dam or Booker T. will instantly be watchable, but Ric Flair and Goldust might keep those respective matches at “just watchable”. Victoria v. Trish will be good only because when the match is on par with all the others, the lower expectations will make it seem so much better. The Tag Finals will rock, one of two matches the show belongs to, the other being the Hell in the Cell. That match could be an instant classic ending a pretty good feud, or it could be an abysmal failure that cements Brock as an Angle-esque midcarder for life. Is it worth the money? It’s a gamble, I’ll tell you that much. I’m getting it, of course, but that’s because I have misplaced loyalty fogging my decision-making abilities.
In a possible PPV spoiler, rumors are once again abound that ‘Taker will be taking some time off. Hopefully, this means Brock will lay waste to him, but it might just mean that he wins the belt, then gives it to Mark Henry and tells Steph he needs a vacation. Henry would then feud with Matt Hardy version 1, who would win the belt (as he rightfully should). Thus would begin the new era…or Something.
Stephanie was on Howard Stern and talked about her personal life, including her and Triple H’s sex life, how she would feel hurt if people don’t whack off to her, and how her breasts aren’t big enough. Go back and read that line again. YOUR BREASTS AREN’T BIG ENOUGH!? HOLY CHRIST IN HEAVEN! This world is f***ed up, Jesus. Actually, wait. Maybe she wants bigger breasts so that she can’t see RAW when its on. Hell, I want that.
Alright, that’s about it. I mean, yeah, there’s a Ross Report, but what do you want on two hours notice? Besides, nothing else out there really mattered, and most of it isn’t week-sensitive/confirmed yet (Rock in Johnny Bravo live action movie, anyone?). I’ll be back sometime mid-week, or Martin will. Also, look out for another Unspoken, probably dealing with No Mercy fallout. Until next time, this is Michael Blaszkowski asking “Where the hell is my FarScape movie!?” Peace, yo, I’m out.
Michael Blaszkowski, the best damn news “copy-and-paste”er in the biz.
