Yo. News, rumors, its all the same when you’re dead, but fortunately for you, you’re not, and neither am I. Guess that means you want some wrestling talk: I’m only too happy to oblige.
There’s no real big news stories today, so let’s just get goin’ with the reviews and tidbits of shit. NWA had their weekly PPV extravaganza. From what I’m told, the show was okay, but the ladder match was sick as all hell. The X-Division lit up the stage with a match that, by all accounts, probably took more then a few years off of all the competitors lives…except Syxx-Pac (X-Pac, Sean Waltman, your hero, my hero, Aaliyah’s hero, God’s hero). Syxx-Pac took the match and the championship, some feel undeservingly, and thus you have the revival of the “X-Pac sucks” theme on the Internet. Well, in between the “wrestling sucks” theme and the “RAW sucks” theme, at least.
After the NWA show, Chris Rock filmed some stuff for his new movie, entitled Mike has no clue what its name is and doesn’t care to find out. When reached for comment about why he chose NWA, he had but four words, and four words alone: The Harris Boy’s T-shirt.
This just in: Nicole Bass is fugly.
RAW was Monday (note the WWE news after NWA). Important notes from the show:
1. Kane killed some girl.
2. Trish ruined someone’s life as well.
3. There was yet another “destined to be forgotten” TLC, complete with van terminator. Get yours today, for a limited time only, see stores for details.
And now, SmackDown! notes:
1. The era of Mattitude began as Matt Hardy came down for the opening promo. Personal mark-out moment for me was the fact that Mr. Hardy did not run from ‘Taker. In fact, Matt stuck it out and went toe-to-toe, fist to chair with the Dead Man. Their confrontation ended when Matt dodged ‘Taker’s broken fist as it slammed into the turnpost. I’d say score one for Matt Hardy version 1.0. 2. Brock Lesnar brought out a girlie that claims to have been one of ‘Taker’s ratlings. She “revealed all” and told Sara she was sorry. Meanwhile, somewhere in back of a Chinese Take-out/Buffet, Viscera is wondering where in the hell his career went wrong. 3. The coolest team in the history of tag teamery, Tajiri and Brock Lesnar, lost to Rey Rey and Edge, who advance to round two of the finals. 4. Benoit is missing teeth. Angle is missing hair. Neither missed advancing to the tag finals as well. 5. SmackDown! was a damn good show this week. If you missed it, go kill a kitten. It makes everything better inside, like waffles.
Note to all you psychos: don’t kill kittens. They love you with all their hearts and souls.
Tough Enough producers are publicly wondering why so few indy workers are trying out for the TE competitions. Here’s a thought, maybe its because they don’t wanna be known backstage as “the one who didn’t kill themselves on the indy circuit for ten years before they got an angle with Torrie and a banana.”
I really don’t know what to say about this.
Nicole Bass is still fugly. She also lost her lawsuit. She then claimed that she “stuck it to the man” or some shit. You know, I betchu she did stick it to a man…BECAUSE SHE HAS A PENIS!
If you haven’t noticed, I’m really tired. Please forgive my spelling errors and grammar follies. The bad jokes and lack of humor? There’s really no excuse for those.
You know the Hurricane? He’s no hero. Now that indy wrestler who chased down a robber by bike and acted all outta Marvel, he’s a hero. Oh yeah, and the villain? He turned out to be a childhood friend. I swear, this really happened. Seriously.
That’s about it for the newsbits. Um…I’m going to write a column about the difference between the Kane angle and good angle sometime tomorrow. Additionally, I’ll be taking part in the Pardon the Ring friday night, so if you can’t get enough of me, have no fear, I’ll be back. If you can get enough of me, well…I don’t like you either. Sorry for the slightly half-hearted effort, if you had your soul stolen by RAW for X-Box, you would be half-hearted too. Slow news week, too, nothing special goin’ on. Hell, is it too much to ask that Austin beats up a family member again? This lack of content is killin’ me. Anywhoo, have yourselves a good night, and heck, a good day while you’re at it, too. This is Michael Blaszkowski saying “BitchesSayWHAT!?” I’m out, yo, peace.
Michael Blaszkowski, I swear I’m not French.
