Yo, this is Mike: I’m not a clown. However, as many of you have guessed, I totally AM a fictional creation of Martin’s to give him the ability to avoid any backlash from his personal opinions, such this one: Chyna is hot. That withstanding, I’m here to travel the vastness of Internet-land, grab its Shine Sprites and beat the holy hell out of them, subsequently turning them into news and/or rumors. Let’s kick this shit like it’s a fake lesbian, shall we?
On RAW, we learned many things. One, when wrestlers act like humans, the show seems more real. Two, when the show is built up as amazing, its bound to be mediocre. Finally, we learned that freaks do indeed rule, giving many an Internet columnist, like myself, cause for celebration. Notes of importance:
1. Booker T./Goldust got killed by Rosie and Jamal, who, post-match, claimed to be focused after the Tag Titles now.
2. Jeff Hardy got a count-out victory over the Big Show, but judging by the ending, the feud ain’t over yet.
3. Useless Women’s wrestling crap.
4. Triple H finally shut down Bubba Tough’s push by beating him in a World Title match. (I’m not sure to be happy that Bubba finally looked inferior to someone, or sad that it took Triple H and his +4/+4 Booking Sheet of the Damned to do it)
5. Booker T. always gets in the “Sucka!”.
6. New I.C. champ as Kane decides that Jericho is “a loser”.
Some rock star that Chris Jericho is; you know, you don’t see Drowning Pool’s lead singer laying down to a freak like that, Drowning Pool Dude doesn’t lay down for NO MAN! Now drugs, on ye old other hand…
SmackDown! looks to be a good show. What? You want me to ruin it for you?
NWA-TNA’s next weekly PPV has been announced. The show is expected to either be a textbook of “Why wrestling is amazing” or it will be a clinic on “How to make a show that causes teen suicide rates to jump nation wide.” Billed matches include: A.J. Styles versus Jerry Lynn (ladder match) for the title of the X, some Harris brother tomfoolery, Mr. Truth v. Mr. “I hurt people with my stiff kicks”, and the “WWE don’t want us no more” special attraction, starring some combination of Double J, Drug-master Sexay, a roadie and the best wrestler ever. Oh, and ol’ Hey Yo will make an appearance…probably a drunken one. Order the PPV, it’s the best 10$ you’ll ever spend!
Legendary wrestler Andre el-Giganto’s slightly less gigantic daughter wants WWE to have some ceremony or other form of remembrance for the big due at WrestleMania XIX, saying “they don’t act like they remember him at all.” Word of this got back to Vince McMahon, who was so touched at the sentiment that he had this to say: “Honor a dead wrestler? HAHAHAHAAHAHAHahahahahahaha.” Seriously, I mean, does she remember Lou Thesz’s passing? Or the other old dude who’s death they no-sold? Hell, they wouldn’t have remembered Owen Hart if it wasn’t for the damn cleaning bill.
(So you know, my e-mail is threePunk2oo2@hotmail.com. I figure some of you were searching for it after that one.)
Nash’s website had a thing with him where he announced his future plans.
1.) He’d like to have a WrestleMania feud with a main event star. (yeah, so would Kidman.)
2.) He said his plans were to be back by the Royal Rumble.
Why the Rumble, you ask? Well, the throwing Cruiserweights to not throwing Cruiserweights ratio is at its 365-day peak in that match. In other words: fly, Rey Rey, fly.
1wrestling.com was all about posting a complete track listing for WWE’s new anthology CD. But, instead of linking to 1wrestling’s list OR wasting lots of space in here posting it myself, I’ma toss this to 411 and let you see their full version. Take THAT, Scherer.
This just in: 1Wrestling has too many freakin’ pop-ups.
In this oft-crazy world of wrestling, there are always those stories that you love, that you hate, that you’ll never forget. Then there are those stories that websites put up and play up just to make it seem like they have content. I’ll have none of that here at The Balrog’s Lair! Piece of crap news, you will take up nilly more then a paragraph!
Quick news
-There’s a Meredith “I’m a bitch” Brooks interview over at WWE.com. I refuse to link it.
-Lawler’s taking shots at the NFL were Vince’s call. His taking shots off an 8-year-old were not.
(Oh…wait…libel…need disclaimer.)
-I was joking earlier. Lawler doesn’t sleep with 8-year-olds. I mean, the Kat looked at least 13.
-People are suing NWA: TNA. How smart are you when you’re trying to get millions from a wrestling corporation so successful at what they do that probably steals from the penny jar at 7-11?
-1Wrestling says that Columbia wants to defile some ancient sacred place with everything Americana: A Jeep and The Rock. If only we could only get wannabe-porn infomercials and a fat blonde celebrity in there, we’d have ourselves everything you ever see on E! TV.
Kind of a short report, but hey, what do you want? I mean, the biggest story out there is that Hulk Hogan was working without a contract. What, you mean I forgot to mention that? Yep, the Orange One was working on a handshake deal, and ever since the loss to Brock, he hasn’t heard jack cripe from the writing team. There’s something very cool about that…
Okay, so, for real this time, I’m gone. I’ll be away from the D-Town for a few days, but darned if I’m not gonna be back with another Unspoken mid-next week. Additionally, I may yet pop-up in other places, too, but I’ll leave it at that cryptic remark and add intrigue to the deal. For now, this is Michael Blaszkowski saying “Catchphrases? You mean I have catchphrases!?” I’m out, yo, peace.
Michael Blaszkowski, master will-worker and prophet of the arcane arts…and crafts! Beat that Khrima!
