~~~~~THE TBL NEWSLETTER~~~~~
Volume 2, Issue #16
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Official Newsletter of:
The Balrog’s Lair
”Still an Internet Original!”
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Table of Contents:
* Note from the Editor – Joe Balrog
* Top Story – Martin Hawrysko
* News and Rumors – Various Sources
* Columns –
o The Last Ride with Roman Duvall
o The Professor’s Classroom #114 with The Professor
o The Prime Cut with Eddie T.
o Rounding the Squared Circle with Sam Jerry
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Note from the Editor:
Hello everyone. This edition features a new section entitled “Top Story.” This is a place where I will be taking the Top Story from the Main Site of The Balrog’s Lair and putting it out via e-mail. Martin Hawrysko is in charge of that area of the site.
Also new in this issue is the debut of Roman Duvall, writer of “The Last Ride.”
Please let me know if there are any other sections that you would like to see in the newsletter. Thanks!
Joe Balrog, Editor-in-Chief
joe@thebalrogslair.com
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Top Story:
A Show Stealer
Like him or not, Eddie Guerrero along with Edge put on a great show during their match on Smackdown this past week. Both men put their body on the line for the ‘sake of competition’ as Michael Cole repeatedly mentioned. Following the match where Edge scored the pinfall, Eddie Guerrero received a standing ovation as he was getting up and out of the ring.
It was hard to believe that the main event had the potential to be even better, as a triple threat match was announced. Chris Benoit, Kurt Angle, and Rey Mysterio wrestled an outstanding match that was almost as good as the Guerrero and Edge match. Smackdown this week once again prooved to be the better show then Raw. Smackdown faced rough competition this week from both NBC and CBS, but at the end, the show scored a final rating of a 3.6 which is considered good news for WWE. Further information concerning all the happenings in WWE and NWA-TNA from this week will be available early Sunday morning with the newest edition of Mark My Words.
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News & Rumors:
WWE Very Happy with Nidia’s Work
Many backstage are beginning to heap praise on WWE Diva, Nidia. The female winner of Tough Enough is already been dubbed as a very hard worker and someone that does their homework. It has been said that Nidia watches tapes of all her matches to try and improve by taking notes to review and improve later. Nidia is also open to working at Ohio Valley to refine her wrestling ability and become a better all-round worker. – Amish Patel
WrestleMania in Seattle!
For the first time in the 19-year history of one of the premier entertainment events in the world, Seattle will play home to World Wrestling Entertainment(TM)’s WrestleMania® XIX. The event will take place at SAFECO Field on Sunday March 30, 2003. Ending weeks of speculation, the official announcement was made today at a news conference at Seattle’s Experience Music Project. “All eyes will be on Seattle as the host of WrestleMania® XIX. Seattle is a world class city and we’re excited to bring one of the greatest events in entertainment to the Pacific Northwest,” said Linda McMahon, CEO of WWE. “WrestleMania® is our highest profile event and we’re looking forward to entertaining more than 50,000 fans from around the world live at SAFECO Field.” – Bob Magee
WWE in the UK
The WWE has announced the following superstars to appear on the upcoming UK tour in Ocotber which will include the Rebellion PPV: Lesnar, Angle, Edge, Rikishi, Eddy Guerrero, Benoit, Billy, Chuck, Rico (one would think he’d be switched to Raw this week), Cena, Valbowski, Holly, Henry, Orton, Mysterio, Matt Hardy, Kidman, Hurricane, Wilson, Batista, D-Von, Chavo, Tajiri, Noble, Nidia and Dawn Marie. – Andy Steven
Bubba Ray Gets Injured
WWE.com has found out that after being seen by a medical expert in Orlando, X-Rays have shown that Bubba may have pinched a nerve in his neck. As was reported to us yesterday, we have been told that Bubba has been feeling numbness in his arm lately. That could be one of the reasons. – Andy Steven
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Columns:
The Last Ride
By: Roman Duvall
rduvall@ezwv.com
A DRAW???? Lesnar better consider himself lucky. Getting thrown through the “Unforgiven” sign, is just the start for the ” Next Big Thing”! He’s stepped into the Deadman’s Yard and the next bout just may tag ole Brock with his first loss ever and a 5th title run for Deadman Inc.! I did not get Unforgiven because to be truthful with you all, I cannot stomach ANYONE getting a pin on The Undertaker. Much less the new kid on the block, Lesnar.
The WWE did the only thing they could do, to extend this feud, which is the best they got going on either show right now. If they want to extend it even further, they could put the rematch off until November and but Taker and Lesnar in Tag team action in October. Taker and a returning Hulk Hogan vs. Lesnar and Matt Hardy. Sounds good, but I am thankful that Taker is in what is building up to be a classic feud, the best yet Lesnar has had. I am sure there are greater things to come with the angle with Taker and Lesnar so stay tuned!
Hurricane showing up on Raw and getting the Tag Titles with Kane. Nice surprise. Kane said it was cool since both wore masks and were “freaks”, because “freaks” are cool. Can’t argue with at all! They make a great team and I hope they hold the gold for a long time, at least through a couple pay per views. Get Kane away from Booker and Goldust and back to his old ways. Some humor does not hurt I reckon and Hurricane will provide that. I am just glad Hurricane has a home that appreciates his talents and that he has been repaid for getting robbed by your nearest neighborhood trailer park trash in Noble of his “other” title.
I hear rumors abound that the reason Brock was sent to Smackdown and his title became the “Smackdown” title was because your friendly neighborhood crybaby, Triple H, refused to work with him or put him over. Date the boss’ daughter, get what you want handed over to you on a silver platter. I am leaning towards agreeing with this hypothesis. Triple H did put over HBK, but only because he knew Michaels would not be an every week wrestler. He put over Taker at King of the Ring where yours truly was in the audience, only because he had surgery to undergo. Triple H is laughable, works stiff with those he does not feel worthy of him and cuts off promos, just ask RVD and pops that faces get when the spotlight veers off him for just the slightest second. This is not a case of Daddy’s little girl being spoiled, but Daddy’s soon to be son-in-law. He pitched his fit, and got the World Title brought back. If Taker has to go down to Lesnar eventually, the only solace I can take from that is a hope, a hope that Triple H will have the grapefruits to UNIFY the titles. Hogan, Rock, and Taker have all gladly pushed Lesnar, time for Trips to do the same. Better and more talented wrestlers have already seen the future in Lesnar and it is time for….GAME OVER!
Why on earth Flair would side with your friendly neighborhood crybaby, I have no idea. SamJerry has pointed out correctly that Flair goes from face to heel like changing underwear. His time in the ring has past, and maybe he is settling into a managerial role. But with Triple H???? Flair says he is gonna teach our crybaby to be a jet flying..limousine riding….you know the rest, but first Flair will have to get Triple H out of his diapers!!!!
So the big boss as “frozen” the rosters except for trades. Good move. All this back and forth gets one so confused you are not sure who is where. Let the shows settle in now, develop some worthwhile angles and if something or someone is not working, then like those good ole baseball cards we had as kids….let the tradin’ begin!
Well time to close, and close I will with Smackdown tonight. Matt Hardy Version #5,254 steps into the yard tonight….but so does ole Brock with a chair. Just remember when Smackdown is over tonight what the Deadman said last week…..Paybacks are a…..well…. Lesnar will find that out the hard way.
Roman Duvall
rduvall@ezwv.com
The Professor’s Classroom
By: The Professor
TheProfessor11@hotmail.com
One Incredible Thing After Another
Yes, class, I’m still shaking my head about it. In fact, the entire distinguished faculty here at the Powerbomb Institute of the Net (PIN) is buzzing about it. Wait…I’m getting an update from PIN’s Department of Meteorology…it’s the latest weather forecast for Hell: heavy snow through tomorrow, with a high of 32 degrees Fahrenheit (0 Celsius). And was that a pig that just flew past the classroom window?
What your Professor is talking about is a September 17th Internet column that took WWE to task for some of the overlong promos (HHH was specifically mentioned) and for some of the shows, particularly Raw, that are more story-oriented than wrestling-oriented, and are chasing away viewers.
Well, that’s hardly a news flash. You have seen any number of columns on the Net, including this fine site you’re reading now, which pretty much have the same conclusions based on the same arguments. So, why is this particular column so amazing?
Because the column was written by one Brian Solomon, who writes columns for WWE’s own web site. And WWE, to their credit, has left the column up, and continued to employ Mr. Solomon.
Now, predictably, at least one other writer on that site has taken Mr. Solomon to task for that column. Mr. Solomon himself had a curious disclaimer at the beginning of his next column, but didn’t backtrack from what he had written. In fact, after the obligatory swipes at Internet “smarks” (Jim Ross disease, no doubt), he had some rather candid observations about WWE’s “brand extension,” including agreeing with something I have said before – that the term “brand extension” is boo-awful. (He didn’t use that term—I did.)
Well, what do you know? Someone in WWE, albeit on the periphery, has the guts to publicly say that the Emperor has no clothes, instead of the usual “Vince is a genius, everything Vince does is inspired, Vince is wonderful (*kiss kiss kiss*).” Maybe someone there finally has a clue. Maybe they’re not just re-arranging the deck chairs over there at Titanic…er, Titan Tower.
Why, this could lead to an entire series of gut-wrenching, honest revelations by prominent people in WWE, as more and more people on the payroll begin to see the light. Any day now, we’re sure to see some or all of the following:
HHH walks out at the beginning of Raw, climbs into the ring, and picks up the microphone: “You, know, I’ve been thinking. I think I’m on camera too much. I think I play politics too much. I think I talk too much. As of now, Stephanie and I are history. It’s a conflict of interest. I’m gonna wrestle exclusively on Heat for the next two months, so newer wrestlers can get some TV time. And the heck with this stupid phony Raw world title—it’s a joke!” Tossing the belt aside, he strides out of the ring to a standing ovation.
The next day, Vince walks up to Jeff Hardy and says, “Jeff, I’m tired of seeing you get squashed like a grape every week. The singles run with you and Matt just isn’t working out. Let’s bring the Hardy Boyz back together again!” Jeff limped away shaking with excitement.
Later in the day, Vince stopped in at a writer’s meeting. “Folks, we’re going to do away with all the trashy HLA garbage, as of now. I want wrestling-oriented storylines, and I want them NOW!”
As Vince drove home for the night, Undertaker reached him on his cell phone. “Vince, I just can’t do this any more. I just ain’t getting it done in the ring, and I’m stinkin’ up Smackdown. I think someone else should be wrestling in my spot. Do I get to keep the motorcycle?” Vince promised to think about it.
Across town, Sean Waltman/X-Pac/Syxx-Pac shuts off the VCR after watching some tapes of his WWE performances. He shakes his head and says to nobody in particular, “Man…I really DO suck!”
Next morning, Jerry Lawler runs into Paul Heyman in the hallway. “Paul, I’ve been thinking…my schtick with the ‘puppies’ and the teenage lust for anything in a skirt is really stale. You’ve got a wonderful way of calling matches and elevating the participants. Would you mind working with me so I can get closer to that style?” They are in earnest conversation for the rest of the day.
Down the hall, a still-excited Jeff Hardy happened to look in a mirror, frowned, and said, “My God, all this paint makes me look like an idiot! I’ll never use it again!”
When he finally gets behind his desk, Vince has a fax waiting from Bob Costas over at NBC: “Vince: the noticeable improvements to WWE shows have me excited! If you ever need someone to fill in for Jim Ross, just give me a call. Bob.”
Meanwhile, the following letter is received at PIN: “Dear Professor: We would like to hire you as our new script consultant, at a modest salary of $650,000 per year, plus expenses and bonuses. We love you, and we need you! Sincerely, Vince and Linda McMahon.”
Hm…OK, but only if I get to help with Lita’s rehab…
— The Professor —
PIN Phony Rumor of The Week: On the next edition of Raw: Dr. Phil counsels Billy and Chuck to get rid of their anger with Rico and move on with their lives! (Thanks to OBWan3027)
(Email to TheProfessor11@hotmail.com. Feel free to submit possibilities for the Phony Rumor of the Week. If your rumor is used in the Classroom, you will win three minutes to entertain Eric Bischoff. Hospital fees not included.)
The Professor
TheProfessor11@hotmail.com
The Prime Cut
By: Eddie T.
Levski11@aol.com
RAW is Triple H — part 425245029
Hello everyone. Welcome to yet another edition of the Prime Cut here at TBL. After a tough sickness last week, I am back on-line and back on here for my column. Today’s column will focus on the man who seems to be getting all the heat, and the man who personifies all that is wrong about this business people like me and you love. Yes, this week’s column is on Triple H, his relationship with Stephanie McMahon, his backstage power, his politics, as well as where other people stand on the issue of Triple H.
In 2001, Hunter Heart Helmsley spent 2/3 of the whole year rehabbing a torn quadriceps injury. The Game was out of the WWF (back then) for 8 whole months. The last storyline he engaged himself into was the Power Trips alliance between Triple H himself and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Vince McMahon was their leader, and Stephanie played along as the cheerleader. Nothing out of the ordinary. With The Rock out to shoot a movie, Chris Benoit injuring his neck, and Triple H leaving for his quad injury, the WWF found themselves in a tough position and realized that there’s nowhere to go but start the awaited InVasion storyline as soon as possible. Triple H was not present for this, but his wife Stephanie McMahon had a quite significant role, and so did Steve Austin.
Triple H returned to WWF Television on the January 7 edition of WWF RAW from Madison Square Garden. Upon his arrival, Triple H stated that he has entered himself in the Royal Rumble PPV. The rest of the month of January saw Triple H lose completely all the rust from his absence, and play a babyface role which quite frankly suited him well according to some, but sucked for a great heel like him, which has been the main consensus on-line. Triple H won the Royal Rumble match at the PPV and automatically received a shot at the WWF Undisputed Championship (back then) at WrestleMania. Until that day came, The Game found himself in a short-term feud with Kurt Angle where he continued to play the babyface role.
It didn’t take long before Triple H won the WWF Undisputed Championship at WrestleMania X8, as he ended the long title reign of Chris Jericho. Stephanie McMahon was written into this storyline, however, and that’s where the focus should begin. Around WrestleMania X8, Steve Austin’s situation and status in the WWF was getting more and more complex. He was in the midst of a storyline with the nWo, and had a match with Scott Hall at ‘Mania. As you all know, Austin refused to show up to work on the RAW after, which was the beginning of the end of his run. Steve Austin, thanks to his long experience and everything he’s given to help build the company, was the wrestler with probably the biggest say in the direction of the company, as well as the direction of all storylines backstage. Austin had Triple H banned from management meetings backstage, and now I can truly see why. Anyway, we’ll get into that.
Let’s look at WrestleMania a bit closer. Like I was saying, with Steve Austin busy with other issues, Triple H took it upon himself to use his backstage pull, only this time, the things he was doing were stronger than ever. Triple H hasn’t exactly been a fan of Chris Jericho ever since Jericho arrived at the company (both on TV and in real life). The first example of what people like Dave Scherer call the “Triple H Effect” today was to have Chris Jericho walk his dog “Lucy” around and then clean her poop. The WWF Undisputed Heavyweight Champion had to clean poop. What was even worse, the WWF Undisputed Champion was scheduled to fight Triple H in the main event at WrestleMania, but not only was that match less expected from the legendary Hogan vs. Rock bout, but there was almost NOTHING behind it. Quite frankly, the feud was Stephanie McMahon vs. Triple H, and Chris Jericho was pretty much an addition to it. That’s the first example of the Triple H Effect right there. It should be important to note from this info that The Triple H Effect also depends on other people backstage. About 50% of it comes from Stephanie McMahon.
So after WrestleMania, Triple H was the WWF Champion once again and all was well, no? The Game finished the storyline with his wife on RAW in a Triple Threat Match that also pinned Chris Jericho, who wasn’t involved in the decision. Triple H pinned Stephanie and the stipulations said that if that happens, Stephanie would be out of the WWF forever (good one). After that edition of WWF RAW, it would take Chris Jericho 6 months, all the way until this past Sunday’s WWE Unforgiven, to win a PPV match!!! The Triple H Effect was in control.
With Stephanie McMahon out and the WWF doing poor ratings, the company gave the title to Hulk Hogan and had Triple H job to him at Backlash. The Game then felt like being successful again at a PPV, so squashing Chris Jericho one more time seemed like a very fun idea! Oh what a joy Triple H got as he defeated Chris Jericho at Judgment Day in a Hell In A Cell match. Huge step forward for the Triple H Effect as well. As far as Jericho goes, it was yet another huge step down.
Shortly after Judgment Day, the newly formed WWE was already on TV. Steve Austin, however, walked away. The next sentence is the whole point of this column and the whole point I wanted to share… The day Stone Cold Steve Austin left the WWE, the company has turned into what RAW has turned lately — The Triple H Show. It’s been like that since. At King of the Ring, Triple H found himself in the main event yet again, this time facing The Undertaker for the WWE Championship. With an interference of a returning Rock, The Undertaker held on to his title and defeated Triple H. Since Rock and ‘Taker were two of the biggest players besides Triple H at that time, The Game didn’t seem to have any troubles doing the screwjob finish, since he was never pinned clearly.
The Rock was now back in the WWE, and Vince’s plans after Austin left were to elevate at least one new star. His name was Brock Lesnar. Triple H could no longer be in the main event, or find himself at the top of the card. That was because The Rock was back for a couple of months and Vince was to milk that for all it’s worth by having Rock job to Brock for the title at SummerSlam, a shot which Lesnar received after becoming the 2002 King of the Ring. With Brock and Rock planned for SummerSlam, The Rock was to face The Undertaker at Vengeance, which meant no Triple H in the main event of a PPV, ever since he’s returned to Television. What’s even worse was that The Game was probably going to end up on the PPV card if it wasn’t for an elbow injury he suffered!!! So the WWE then comes up with a storyline pinning friend Shawn Michaels and the really desperate for new ideas and doings, nWo.
The next week on WWE RAW, Kevin Nash injures his quad muscle, the same injury Triple H suffered and the storyline is now over, as Vince McMahon kills the nWo. Vince then brings Eric Bischoff to WWE TV as the General Manager of RAW and appoints his lovely daughter and the person who’s behind the Triple H Effect today, Stephanie McMahon. Before we knew it, Triple H was sure to appear at Vengeance as the plan was now for Eric Bischoff to steal him and bring him to RAW from SmackDown!. Constantly having in mind that Rock vs. Brock will be the main event at SummerSlam, The Game and Vince McMahon still found a way to top what they have planned and Triple H was now secured a match with a returning Shawn Michaels at SummerSlam. That was probably Triple H’s best match ever since his injury and the ONLY match that showed him as his old “Cerebral Assassin” character that people actually LOVED to hate.
So then you might ask what’s the big deal here of reminding us all about the past? The big deal, my friends, is that Triple H has been a powerful man backstage for years. Since the Clique you might even say. Anyway, Triple H has had supreme backstage power ever since he started dating Stephanie McMahon. However, there was one man who was always able to keep his ego and usage of that power in check — Steve Austin. The Rattlesnake is gone, and what many sites feared did indeed happen — Triple H presumed the position of the backstage leader in politics, matches, storylines, and what have you. Though it’s happened slowly and it took some good 3 months to realize it, the WWE has turned into The Triple H show.
Triple H was recently given the World Heavyweight Championship, a title which no matter what they come up with will be known as the WCW Championship on-line, and The Game didn’t even have to defeat anyone for the belt. He decided that he needed a belt… Triple H decides, Stephanie writes. The cycle is completed. This cycle, however, never stops.
The WWE, now in ratings troubles and into tons of media problems as well, find themselves in a hole after an incredible SummerSlam PPV, so for Unforgiven they book Triple H to defend his newly “won” (another good one!) World Heavyweight Championship against Rob Van Dam. All Triple H had to do was job. All Triple H had to do was give Rob the rub. You see, the WWE keeps on going and rambling about having new superstars and all, and creating new characters with new ideas, etc. They keep saying that it won’t happen overnight. I completely agreed and supported that theory. That’s no more. If you need to create new characters and bring new forms of sports entertainment, you have guys with names like The Undertaker and Triple H give the rub to the upcoming guys. Would it have been that horrible to give the belt to RVD? That’s why my friends, I call Rob the Chris Jericho of Yesteryear (see my first column on the site in the archive section below). You see, just like Chris Jericho, RVD was just another victim (nice phrase Tazz) of the Triple H Effect. No, it wasn’t right to have Rob pin Hunter. It was better to have Ric Flair, who’s in the end of his career and God knows why is embarrassing himself the way he’s been doing lately, interfere in the match and give the rub to Triple H… Why, I ask you, Why is that?! Some say because some members of management don’t feel secure having 2 guys as their champions (Brock and RVD) at the top yet not so experienced. Well, guys, if you want a change and you want a huge transformation in the business you’ll have to sacrifice the big guys. Suspend the egos. You see, the famous names like Mr. Scherer himself have talked about all the problems the WWE keeps putting themselves into, rating-wise, storylines-wise, etc. These problems will not stop, until the duo of Triple H and Stephanie McMahon is stopped backstage. It’s just embarrassing and humiliating if you are a wrestling fan to sit at home every Monday and watch the disgraces they come up with. Triple H defends his title against Spike Dudley with a sleeper. Triple H is in every second segment on RAW. Triple H’s promos can’t be shorter than 20 minutes. Triple H has to get the rub from everyone, including Flair and Jericho. Triple H has to keep the World Heavyweight Title. Well, then to me, WWE RAW is no longer WWE RAW, it’s The Triple H Show and unless they realize that soon, I don’t think the WWE will see anything higher than a 4.0 rating (which they haven’t gotten in weeks) on RAW.
You see, what makes this even worse, is that Triple H is a legend in his own words. His infamous speech several months ago that was even talked about on WWE.com was simply embarrassing for the business. If you don’t remember, Triple H came out in front of the gathered superstars and talked to them about transforming the company and changing things around. He insisted that they all spend time watching tapes, and that they all spend more time talking about their matches, and that they all spend time watching the show backstage. The push would then come. Well, what happens when you do that Triple H? The payback these guys get for working their asses off is listening through another one of your promos? If the answer is No or if you are trying to come up with anything to defend The Game, I am immediately going to tell you that if Triple H was to support the words that came out of his mouth, Rob Van Dam will be the current Heavyweight Champion. If Triple H wasn’t the hypocrite he is, Booker T wouldn’t have to worry about surviving the Un-Americans, but will be an established main-eventer who can pull more youngsters to the top and work with them. If Triple H wasn’t so full of himself, Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle, RAW’s and SmackDown!’s top guys would be where they should be, at the top.
I know when to defend the company I love and I know when to bash on it. And bashing is not a bad thing, it’s not being a smark either. The man, whose awesome and brilliant feuds with people like The Rock and Steve Austin made me love and watch with excitement every week, has become a sad parody of his character. He’s the cerebral assassin, but he does his dirty work behind the scenes, where it really counts these days. Feel free to send me your thoughts on this and any other subject that deals with wrestling or whatever it is you have in mind. I will respond to you. Thank you very much for reading, it does mean a lot!
Thanks!
Eddie T.
Levski11@aol.com
Rounding the Squared Circle
By: Sam Jerry
SamJerry@aol.com
“ROUNDING THE SQUARE CIRCLE”
“GUARANTEED, CAN’T MISS ‘INVASION’ PPV PICKS”
OR
“IT PAYS TO LIVE IN BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN LOWER DUDLEYVILLE”
BY SAMJERRY
VISIT MY HOME PAGE: http://members.aol.com/~samjerry
I was on my sitting in my lawn chair outside my freshly painted doublewide, in the Estates Section of Beautiful Downtown Lower Dudleyville. With me were Billy Joe Bob Dudley, Billy Joe Billy Dudley and Billy Joe Ray Dudley. I was far behind them as I was working on only my 8th or 15th Dudleyweiser, as we discussed the upcoming Invasion PPV. Although I know you’ve read many Articles predicting the results of the matches, not only am I going to give you our guaranteed winners, I’m also going to predict the order of them.
The first match will be the Five Man Tag Team Match. It will pit The Big Red Rocket Scientist v. The Four French Foreign Legionnaires, Testicle, Hairboy’s Brother, Fart-In-A-Wind-Storm and The English Asshole. At ringside cheering The Rocket Scientist will be The Golden Gay Guy, Booger T and my close childhood friend, Bubba Ray Dudley. During the match, The Rocket Scientist will kick The English Asshole’s Little Guys across the Atlantic where they will land in the middle of a Soccer Field. This will result in your standard Soccer Riot as they will follow the game ball into the Manchester Mudsuckers net, giving the Devonshire Coal Diggers a 3-0 victory. Meanwhile The Rocket Scientist will nail Fart-In-A-Wind-Storm with A Chokeslam From Beyond Hell. When he wakes up, he will be greeted by three great Americans, Michael Myers, Jason Vorhees and Freddie Krueger, who will give him a few pointers on dissing the American Flag.
The next match will be for The Intercontinental Championship, with Y2JockStap (C) facing The 152 year old Icon of The Shady Acres Rest Home For Ancient Wrestlers, 16 time loser of the WCW Championship, Slippery Rick. Unknown to Slippery Rick, JockStrap just finished reading Slippery’s life story, “The Dirtiest Player In The Game.” He will use one of Slippery’s patented ploys, The Fake Knee Injury. Slippery will feel sorry for poor JockStrap. This will prove to be a fatal mistake, leading Slippery to write a sequel, “The Dumbest Player In The Game.” JockStrap will sit down and begin to author his life story, “I Am The King Of The World.” Mrs. JockStrap will write a companion book, “Not If He Wants Any.”
In their 487th (or thereabouts) match, Hairboy will face Mama Guerrero’s Favorite Taco Chomper. Having also read Slippery’s life story, “The Dirtiest Player In The Game,” The Taco Chomper will use Dirty Trick No. 56, found on page 87, “Grab The Sucker’s Tights,” and pin Hairboy after a second rope Power Bomb. Hairboy will stagger out of the ring just in time to avoid the barber The Taco Chomper hired to give him a Mr. T haircut. Mama Guerrero is writing a cookbook entitled, “Mama Guerrero Favorite Taco Recipes.” It promises to be a best seller, especially in East El Lay and Beverly Hills.
The next match promises to be a “barn burner” (Billy Joe Ray own words). It will pit Good Old Eric’s (GOE) friendly Samoan A*s Kickers, Jamal and Rosie Mothragidhrahydrasopranofatbuttsberg (Mo for short) against We Be Straight, Billy and Chuckie. Knowing the fans want a little “HLA,” the outcome was never in doubt. A Flying Samoan Drop will seal the deal. Watch for Little Mo (Rosie) to do plant Billy. Also watch for GOE’s lesbians, hired from The Godfather, warming up in the bullpen, and Sweet Stephanie just warming up.
The WCW Championship Match will follow next, with HHH (C) facing RVD. RVD will be on the verge on taking HHH’s hard fought for Title away from him, however, we can expect to see the usual “Referee Taking A Nap Ploy” pulled out at this time. Pulling the 1,786th Face/Heel switch of his career (Page. No. 187 in his book), Slippery Rick will race to the ring using his Wheeled Walker. He will pick up HHH’s Acme Sledge Hammer and feign smashing arch enemy HHH with it. RVD will have X-rays on his ribs (negative, of course) where Slippery Rick will plant the Sledge. One Pedigree later and HHH will exit stage left, hand-in-hand with Slippery Rick. They will follow Page 207 in Slippery’s book: Champagne and several buxom females, also employees of The Godfather. HHH will tell Sweet Stephanie he was out with the boys.
Finally the match all Dudleyville will be waiting for: The WWE Ladies Championship, with Fat Butt (C) facing The Best Thing To Come Out Of Canada Since Molson’s, The Lovely Trish. Fat Butt with get a dose of Stratusfaction (something every red blooded male in Dudleyville pants for) and again become Champion. The Dudleyville City Council will pass a Resolution declaring Monday a legal holiday in honor of Trish’s victory, hoping Trish will pay a visit. They will give her a brand new Triple-wide, providing she moves to Dudleyville. They wont let Fat Butt go empty handed; they will give her the long empty trailer, next to Jaime Noble and his true love, Trailer Park Trash, atop the Dudleyville County Dump.
Up next will be Canadian Crybaby No. 2 v. Our American Olympic Zero. This match will have the fans screaming for more (either that or the hot dogs they had been eating will be bad). Proving he can read English as well as French, Crybaby will use Dirty Trick No. 36, found on page 45 of Slippery’s saga, “Feet On The Ropes For A Pin.” Zero will be sorry he never read past the Introduction (or had it read to him, as the case may have been), and go home vowing to watch Sesame Street every day. With this match, Zero will match The Brooklyn Brawler for the most jobs in a career.
GOE, wearing a sh*t eating grin ear-to-ear, will bring a pair of hot lesbians to the ring, and be joined by Princess Stephanie. The lesbians will strip and begin warming Stephanie up for a little HLA. Being the nice guy he is, GOE will send the lesbians back and call out the ugliest woman (not counting Nicole Bass) you ever laid eyes on. Besides being ugly, she will be the fattest woman you ever saw. At this point, anyone not realizing it is The Ass That Ate Cleveland in drag, is either blind, or really into ugly and fat. Going along with things, The Princess and Her Fatness will swap spit and rub bellies. As GOE is laughing is nards off, Her Fatness will reveal itself. GOE will get the longest, smelliest, dirtiest Stink Face of all time. It will be so long, that it will go into the Wrestling Hall Of Fame. GOE will need six gallons of lye to remove the stench. Mrs. GOE will ask for a divorce on grounds of “Facial Cruelty.” The little GOE’s will refuse him parental visitation! for the next 25 years.
In the Main Event, Godzilla (C) will put the WWE Title on the line v. The Taker. In the only place you will see this prediction, it will end in a Draw. The match will be bloody and personal, but it will be a Draw. The referee won be able to control the two. By the way, did I tell you it will be a Draw? They will live to fight on another PPV. In yet another prediction you wont see anywhere else, The Take will throw Godzilla thru the Invasion sign on the stage. However, it will still be a draw.
There you have it. With days to go before Invasion, you have guaranteed winners. We also talked a little football. The game will be played in a driving rainstorm, part of Tropical Storm Isadore, currently in the Caribbean. We are predicting the biggest upset of the season next Thursday night, when No. 4 ranked Florida State visits lowly Louisville. In fact, it will go into overtime, where Louisville will win 26-20. You can take this one to the bank, or your bookie if you prefer. I think I need another Dudleyweiser.
Sam Jerry
SamJerry@aol.com
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Copyright © 1999 – 2002 Joe Vincent
