The TBL Newsletter: Volume 2, Issue #13

~~~~~THE TBL NEWSLETTER~~~~~
Volume 2, Issue #13

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Official Newsletter of:

The Balrog’s Lair
”Still an Internet Original!”

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Table of Contents:

* Note from the Editor – Joe Balrog
* News and Rumors – Various Sources
* Columns –
o Old School with “Living Legend” J.P. Joyce
o The Professor’s Classroom #110 with The Professor
o Linda’s Thoughts with Linda Robin
o The Smoking Gun with Ciarán Madden
o Rounding the Squared Circle with Sam Jerry
o Mark My Words with Martin Hawrysko
o Balrog Babblings with Joe Balrog

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Note from the Editor:

Hi again all. This edition brings us more faces to the newsletter as well as another newsletter only “Balrog Babblings.” I’d also like to thank that folks at TheRockSays.com for allowing us to use some of their news and rumors as needed in the news section of this report. I hope that you are all enjoying the newsletters that get sent out and that you are all telling a friend or two about what we do here so we can get some more subscribers! Thanks and enjoy!

Joe Balrog, Editor-in-Chief
joe@thebalrogslair.com

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News & Rumors:

Ed Ferrara Leaves the TNA Promotion!
Ed Ferrara’s departure raised some eyebrows. Many are trying to read something more into it, associating some past possible conflicts with Vince Russo. Sorry conspiracy theorists, not the case. Ferrara is a great friend of TNA, and will always be. We wish him the best of luck with his future endeavors. – Jeremy Borash via Joe Balrog on the newsboard

X-Pac Gets The Boot From The WWE!
Well, it’s final, X-Pac (Sean Waltman) is officially out of the WWE. Jim Ross commented on it this week in his Ross Report on WWE.com. Apparently WWE and Waltman have “mutually agreed” to part ways. More on this as it develops!. – Wade Needham

ESPN Comments on the Latest Downturn in Wrestling
It appears that on ESPN, they are wondering if the WWE is finished with it’s revenue loss of 79% this past quarter. They do, however, claim pro wrestling isn’t finished but the WWE might be. I certainly hope this isn’t true, and I will continue to support Vince McMahon’s company until the final end and even afterwards! – Wade Needham

Val Venis Gets an MRI
Val Venis recently had an MRI on his injury. The scan showed that he escaped serious injury and that with rehabbing over the course of two weeks the 28 year old wrestler will be able to return to ring action. – The Rock Says

The Rock’s New Co-Star
Rosario Dawson has signed to play the female lead in the Rock’s upcoming movie, which was is be called Helldorado but may be changed by the producers. The movie starts filming next month and will largely keep Rock away from WWE through out the year. – Andy Steven

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Columns:

Old School
By: “Living Legend” J.P. Joyce
METS698631@aol.com

I Am A Hulkamaniac!

Hello everybody and welcome to the very first edition of the column that’s just as good, if not better than Rob Van Dam’s weed, Old School. Let me start off by saying that I am very happy to be able to write for a site that I truly think has everything a wrestling fan wants, and I hope to contribute to this site with my opinions to make it that much better. Alright now that I got all my shameless plugs out of the way lets get down to business.

I have a confession to make. As a guy who’s favorite current wrestler is Chris Benoit and as somebody who watched ECW for so many years along with the WWF, I feel like I’ve betrayed my hardcore roots. What is the betrayal you ask? I cheer for the man that doesn’t resemble anything hardcore, the man that in no way represents technical wrestling. I cheer for Hulk Hogan. I guess you could even go as far as to call me a Hulkamaniac.

This disease started at the tender age of 5 years old when my older brother used to sneak me downstairs to watch Saturday Night Main Event. Obviously the main feature of all these shows was the Hulkster as he was the biggest star ever at the time. Immediately I became a Hulkamaniac thinking the man could do no wrong. I said my prayers, ate my vitamins, hell I even dressed up as Hulk Hogan for Halloween when I was six. When Wrestlemania 6 came along I was pumped up for what at the time was the second biggest match in Wrestlemania history (behind of course Hogan-Andre.) The Ultimate Challenge, Hogan vs. Warrior. The two fought it out for 20 minutes in what to this day I still consider one of my favorite matches ever, and like I said earlier my favorite wrestler is Benoit and I love technical wrestling just as much as the next guy. When the dust had settled The Warrior was the first ever-double champion in WWF history defeating Hogan. After the match Warrior and Hogan embraced and shook hands in a classic wrestling moment and what I consider the peak of Hulk Hogan’s career.

However just like when you reach the peak of a mountain and there’s nowhere else to go but down, the same is true for Hulk Hogan. He was still beloved in most of the fans eyes but in my opinion the act was getting old. I put all my “Hulk Rules” shirts and bandanas in my top dresser drawer and started cheering on some of the new guys. Wrestlers like The Undertaker, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels and even the older Randy Savage, who as far as wrestling skills go is far superior to Hogan. Eventually Hulk moved on to WCW an organization I refused to watch.

Hogan was very sucsessful in WCW and like him or not he was a major reason WCW beat WWF for so many years in the ratings wars. However the Hulkster being gone was a blessing in disguise for Vince McMahon and the WWF. While WCW was still stuck on the past with guys like Hogan, Nash, Hall, Savage and many others WWF was still making new stars. WCW fans got tired of seeing the same old guys and at the beginning of 2001 WCW was bought out by Vince McMahon. Obviously that wasn’t the only reason the company failed but the demise of WCW is not the topic of this column, nor will it ever be because there is way to many reasons.

After what myself and just about everybody else thought was a failed invasion angle in the summer of 2001, I started to think, “what if Hogan came in one more time.” Well my thoughts were answered in February of this year when Hogan, Hall and Nash came back as the New World Order. It was pretty clear after a couple weeks that the nWo was not going to be nearly as effective as it was in WCW. It’s not that people weren’t happy to see the nWo, but the real reason that they were failures was because fans didn’t really think that the nWo was a threat. Another big reason was that fans wanted to cheer Hogan, and I was one of those fans. So at Wrestlemania X8 Hogan faced off against The Rock and Hogan’s ovation was one of the most tremendous ones I have ever heard. After Hogan put over The Rock the two shook hands and posed together. Although this moment was very unrealistic and kind of stupid considering that Hogan had run over Rock a couple of weeks earlier it was still pretty damn cool to see. Hogan was now ofcially a face and 2 and a half weeks later he was back in the red and yellow.

Many people have many opinions on weather or not Hogan should have gone back to the red and yellow and as a “Living Legend” I find it necessary to share my thoughts as well. I think it was a good idea. He had his one nostalgic run with the title which although wasn’t great only lasted a month and you could see WWE’s logic behind giving him the title, they were trying to get old fans back. Unfortunately that didn’t work out and during Hogan’s run as champion the ratings actually went down significantly. One thing no one can complain about is Hogan holding other stars back. He has not taken up major amounts of airtime (compared to guys like Triple H) and he’s done just about everything he’s been asked to do. He’s put over Angle, Rock and Triple H all cleanly. He’s helped elevate Edge’s career by tagging with him and just 10 days ago on Smackdown he helped make Brock Lesnar famous and gave him tons of credibility heading into Summerslam. Now Hogan is taking a leave of absence that could probably last until Wrestlemania. This is probably the best thing for everybody as too much of Hogan can lead to bad things (see WCW.)

Hogan has also come under criticism for his wrestling skills, or should I say lack of wrestling skills. The truth is Hogan’s never been great in the ring and now that he’s older he’s even worse. Like I said earlier I love technical wrestling but I can still enjoy and have fun with a Hogan match. I love seeing him Hulk up, do the big boot, the leg drop and all the other moves I marked out for as a kid. If you can’t have fun with wrestling then there’s no point in watching. Same goes for Hogan, if you don’t find him entertaining then turn the channel. Hogan is fun and so is wrestling.

Well folks that’s it, the end of my first column. While some people have trouble writing introductions, my “Achilles heel” has always been conclusions. So let me just say that any feedback, death threats, harsh criticism, or high praises will be greatly appreciated. Each week I’m going to take one fans thoughts and respond to them in the column. I’m going to come back with another column on Saturday, which will have my predictions for Summerslam, an event that I will be attending. So until next time this is the “Living Legend” signing off.

“Living Legend” J.P. Joyce
METS698631@aol.com

The Professor’s Classroom
By: The Professor
TheProfessor11@hotmail.com

Cleaning Out The Office

The students are on vacation, and the hallways are quiet here at the Powerbomb Institute of the Net (PIN). Your Professor sits alone in his office, reflecting upon the just-ended summer session. Hmmm… Well, that’s enough reflection—what am I, a mirror? It’s time to do what I always do between semesters, which is giving the office a good cleaning. It’s time to get out all those little topics that have been cluttering up the place—topics that have been on my mind, but aren’t really long enough that I should devote an entire class to them. And so, I throw them out, one by one, in no particular order:

* Has anybody put a clock on Eric Bischoff and Stephanie McMahon to see which one is getting the most TV time?

* How long do you suppose that Rey Mysterio will able to stay in the cruiserweight division? The guy is over big-time. And if he ever has to take the mask off, will he have to put those horns back on? Or maybe they’ll try it with Kane?

* In fact, since WWE doesn’t think we remember past storylines, why not just bring back Kane without a mask, and never refer to it again or explain why it’s gone?

* After Raw on Monday night, how anxious would you be to try out for Tough Enough if you were female?

* Who do you suppose the Most Valuable Player for WWE would be for this year? If Kurt Angle isn’t at the top of the list, he has to be in the top two.

* NWA-TNA continues to be interesting to watch. I have never before seen cruiserweights carrying a promotion, but that’s exactly what’s happening here. The X division continues to be terrific.

* Do you ever watch a WWE show and get the idea that WWE is owned and operated by video game companies?

* Is it just me, or do J.R. and the King seem to be performing a notch below where they used to be? Particularly the King, who sank to a new low when he actually talked over Fozzy’s performance?

* As for Fozzy, I think they have actually improved. They didn’t stink quite as bad as they used to. I still think Jethro Tull will beat them out for the Grammy, though. And Chris—don’t quit your Monday night job just yet. (Whoops—there I go being a holier-than-thou pompous jackass again. Sorry, Chris.)

* Did somebody finally realize that having the Big Show on Stacker 2 commercials is not a good idea?

* If Goldust is ever demoted to Ohio Valley Wrestling, will he have to change his name to Silverdust? Or Bronzedust?

* With all of the old veterans being brought in by WWE, how long can it be before Terry Funk returns?

* We had a record number of students take the final exam for the summer session of PIN. Some of the answers were rather creative, especially for a multiple-choice exam. Thank you all for attending and for turning in your exams. The grades will be posted in the usual manner. You are one step closer to becoming a true PINhead.

* The classes where I discussed the upside-down American flag generated about 10 times more mail than I have ever had for my class sessions. Probably the most interesting part was the number of people who saw it as an opportunity to write in to me and bash everything they could think of about the USA that they didn’t like, and complain about everything that the USA, as they see it, is doing wrong—most of which has zero to do with the point I was making. I had to chuckle, as a number of these emails started, “I don’t have any problem with America, BUT…” I’d say there was about a 50-50 split between those who agreed with me and those who took me to task (with varying degrees of civility). To paraphrase a famous entertainer, love me, hate me, praise me, curse me, call me whatever you’d like, just be sure you spell my name right. That’s Professor—capital “p” with a double “s.” And if you want to complain about things that America is doing wrong, write to the guy in charge. The address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, D.C. 20500.

Well, I guess that’s about it—the office never looked better. The fall semester begins next week.

— The Professor —

PIN Phony Rumor of The Week: New match set for Summerslam—a bra and panties match: Chris Jericho vs. Ric Flair! (Thanks to Mystic4D)

(Email to TheProfessor11@hotmail.com. Feel free to submit possibilities for the Phony Rumor of the Week. If your rumor is used in the Classroom, you will win a genuine will o’ the wisp. Batteries not included. If you’d like to pay your tuition for the fall semester, just send $97,500 in small, unmarked bills to: Powerbomb Institute of the Net, PO Box 204, Strudelheim, Switzerland. No personal checks, please.)

The Professor
TheProfessor11@hotmail.com

Linda’s Thoughts
By: Linda Robin
lvaccarp@hotmail.com

The ending of Raw with HBK/HHH going at each other was OUTSTANDING. And last night’s ending of Smackdown Brock and Rock finally have contact was totally electrifying. Yeah a wonderful ending to a very good Smackdown last night. I’m really looking forward to Sunday’s SummerSlam. Raw might have gotten me in the mood but Smackdown sealed it for me.

First let me just mention a few things I didn’t like, and believe me there’s not many and they are all minor. I’m thinking of putting Matt Hardy in the X-Pac category. I’m sorry as a heel he bugs me. He bugged me last year when he turned on Lita and Jeff, and right now this new character of his being “ALL THAT” is not appealing at all. Granted it’s new but he can’t carry off a heel role without someone or at least me finding him very unlikeable, I pray I will feel differently but as of now I’m not enjoying Matt on his own. And then there’s Stephanie, hey I tried I really did but I can’t take her. Heel/face who cares? She still over does it and even though her segments were short and she was only on twice it’s getting to where even seeing her talk for a minute is too much. And finally Nidia. I love her character, she really seems quite comfortable in it, but you know for me a little too much with her exposing herself and focusing on her body parts. Again it wasn’t major it had its moments but I think it was a little over done. Boy I’ll tell you Jamie Noble seems to have fallen into a nice gimmick; you got to wonder if he and Nidia do a lot of rehearsing. Ok I’m only kidding but as I said all the above did not make for a bad show at all they just managed to get on my nerves just a little.

As far as the matches go, I didn’t particularly enjoy Rikishi/Cena vs. Batista/D-Von. However what I really did like was that Batista seems to be going on his own. I think that will be a big plus for not only him but also the fans. My God is he odd looking our what? I would love to see how he does solo, I think it’s definitely the way to go with him. It was finally good to see Nidia wrestle. So they do train you after becoming a winner on Tough Enough I wasn’t sure. Just being sarcastic, she looked pretty good in there, but this Molly character seems to be wearing thin. I never thought her being women’s champion was a good thing, because seeing her on both shows just doesn’t do anything for me. Chavo Guerrero and Matt Hardy had a very nice match. And this is where I want to see Matt, in the ring, just no mic work. I think with Chavo and the other cruiserweights that Smackdown is the perfect place for Matt. I think Chavo too could use a little help with his mic work, but in the ring he’s outstanding.

And speaking of outstanding, my three favorite matches of the night had to be Billy Kidman vs. Angle. I couldn’t wait for this one. Maybe because I’m very anxious to see Angle and Mysterio on Sunday and this was a nice little of preview of a cruiserweight taking on Kurt. This was a hell of a match and I’ll tell you it sure made Billy look like he can play with the big guys for sure. My next favorite match was The Hurricane and Shannon Moore vs. Tajiri and Noble. Another excellent match. Again Shannon Moore shines out there and as I’ve said before Moore, Helms, Tajiri, Noble and the other cruiserweights are going to be the ones to bring back the tag team division. It’s already started; the sad part of it is, Smackdown can boast, not Raw. Oh well at least seeing them once a week is better than not at all.

And now for the main event. Rock/Edge vs. Benoit/Guerrero. This match was made after Benoit and Guerrero brutally attacked Rock then Edge. A good main event and for me the best part was knowing that Brock and Rock would finally lock horns. My God it was something to see. After all these weeks with absolutely no contact just words in a matter maybe of a minute or even less Rock and Brock got their heat across and did just what they needed to do, make you want to see them one on one Sunday. This was all played out so very well.

As far as promo’s go Paul my hero Heyman, he’s such a weasel did a great job opening up the show. Hyped up his guy Brock and got the fans ready for what would be a very good Smackdown. Angle had some good lines barbing back and forth with Mysterio. The more you watch Angle the more natural this man is. He must have been born with a mic in his mouth, this guy just flows when he talks, I guess you can tell how much I enjoyed Kurt. And I really liked Tazz last night. Michael Cole was fine but Tazz to me was just a riot, he comes up with some funny lines and I just love his new suave sophisticated look. I do look forward to SummerSlam and JR/Lawler splitting the show up again for Cole/Tazz. I think it’s the right thing to do and the smart thing to do.

Smackdown definitely gets a 10 out of 10. Yeah better than Raw, but still a good week for both shows. They both got things hyped for the big pay per view and they both ended their shows in a very upbeat and exciting way. So it’s on to SummerSlam and my predictions. I’ve already gotten a few and I thank those who have sent there’s to me. I will have mine Saturday or for sure Sunday. I have to say I’m really excited thinking about this. I told you WWE has made that turn around it certainly is a good feeling isn’t it?

Linda Robin
lvaccarp@hotmail.com

The Smoking Gun
By: Ciarán Madden
madden_ciaran@yahoo.com

Make or Break!

Welcome one and all to the very first edition of “The Smoking Gun”. I am your host Ciarán dealing out fresh spoons of creamy justice in the topsy-turvy world of professional wrestling. Never being one for snappy intro’s, I’ll dive straight into the action.

There’s no doubt that the WWE, the unquestioned ruler of the wrestling world has had a hard time of things in the year 2002 so far. Financially the company has suffered a huge fall in buy-rates and ratings, has often found its shows playing before half-empty arenas, one of the biggest stars in wrestling history “Stone Cold” Steve Austin has abandoned the company in a wave of controversy and with criticism being levelled at it from every quarter many even predicted the fall of Vince McMahon’s multi-media empire but alas all the apocalyptic predictions once again seen to be more biblical than factual as McMahon and the WWE have seemed to turned a corner. The company has been building up a head of steam for it’s second biggest event of the year, Summerslam, and for the first time this year I have allowed myself to build my hopes up in anticipation of an event that has the look of a potential classic. But in all my thinking about the potential of Summerslam, I have also been thinking about the aftermath and the immediate future of the company, because post-Summerslam will most likely be the most important time in the recent history of the McMahon Empire. Wondering what the hell I’m talking about, well read on.

While not the only factor in the company’s turnaround, the return of “The Great One” The Rock has no doubt had a substantial influence in the bettering fortunes of the WWE. Since returning, the quality of the product and all round attitude of the company seems more in tune with the WWE of old. The booking team seem to have finally gotten their heads out of their asses and the establishment of new stars has become top priority in TV land. Men who weren’t known, were injured or were being criminally mis-used at the start of the year have now become the focus of the product, men like Guerrero, Benoit, Lesnar, Mysterio, Edge, Cena and Booker T are now the focus of their respective shows. But I’m afraid for these guys play-time is over here and now, you see, some of you may know and some of you may not but The Rock is scheduled to begin shooting another movie right after Summerslam, meaning it is unlikely “The People’s Champion” will walk out of Summerslam with the strap. This leaves a rather big space at the top, not only that but with Hogan gone for the foreseeable future and the heel turn of HHH, the WWE is in need of a new top face. So who will fill the gap as the company’s most important figurehead? Here I’ll run through some of the likely candidates and there potential ability (or lack of) to run the WWE world!

The Undertaker:
Fresh of the back of an excellent run as champion, the Undertaker has been one of the stand out performers of the year so far. While standards have been dropping around him, ‘Taker has picked up his game and restored dignity to the Undisputed championship after the disastrous title runs of HHH, Hogan and Jericho. He had the match of the night at Wrestlemania and Vince McMahon has a habit of turning to his most loyal employee when the going gets tough, mainly because that’s when you can count on the big man to deliver. ‘Taker is well known for his leadership role backstage and his title run may have been as much about spreading that influence to both brands as it was about any booking decisions. Regardless, after the UK plane flight fiasco and the general lax attitude that slipped into the company, its seems clear that ‘Taker had no small part in “busting heads” and getting the locker rooms to buckle down and put in the effort that the stage they work on deserves. The “Deadman” even led by example working a wonderful ladder match with Jeff Hardy against medical advise! Already working as a face, ‘Taker will perhaps be the most over man in the company when the Rock leaves (as the 8-man tag match on Raw demonstrates) but his feud with the Un-Americans seems likely to continue after Summerslam and another run at the title is unlikely so soon, it appears any Lesnar/’Taker showdowns will have to wait for the foreseeable future.

Kurt Angle:
One of the most established and respected stars in the company; Angle is well on his way to legendary status in the wrestling world. While he undoubtedly has the ability and the talent in almost all departments, he seems entrenched in his heel role to the point where even a heel HHH couldn’t compete on Angle’s level. In Rock and Hogan’s absence, Angle will almost certainly be asked to carry the Smackdown brand on his shoulders but it seems unlikely that the WWE will attempt to turn the Olympian into a face because, as of yet they have failed to lay any ground work for what would be one of the most important angles in the pipeline. Much talk has been made of the eventual Lesnar/Angle feud however it seems certain that such an event would be held off for a bigger pay-day like Survivor Series or even Wrestlemania, so for the moment it seems Angle isn’t the man the WWE has in mind to fill the void left by The Rock.

Chris Jericho:
About a year ago to the day, Chris Jericho was the rising star of the WWE. His all-round performances guaranteed an imminent title run, the fact that that title run was an unmitigated disaster could hardly be attributed to Jericho himself. As Wrestlemania approached Jericho got lost in the HHH/Stephanie McMahon sit-com and usually spent Raw and Smackdown getting tainted victories over the likes of Edge and the Big Joke. Post Wrestlemania, the WWE saw fit to bury Jericho in a hole. He didn’t appear at Backlash, and lost at to HHH at Judgement Day, RVD at King of the Ring and John Cena (Why God, WHY?!!!) at Vengeance. While I was a huge fan of the old WCW-heel Chris Jericho, but there is simple no room for a top heel in a company with HHH and Kurt Angle in bad-guy mode, but this isn’t about heels. The question is can Chris Jericho be the top face in the WWE? And the answer is a definite yes! For anyone who needs proof simply find a WWE video from 2000, it will almost certainly feature a Jericho/Benoit match (in what was one of the best mid-card feuds of all time) and watch the crowd reaction. Jericho is a wonderful all-round wrestler, has a great rock-star look (because he kind of is a rock star) and is the only man who can rival The Rock’s mic abilities. Jericho’s appearance on Raw should kick start his career, but with Booker T, RVD and the Undertaker all on Raw, I’mnot sure a face turn is coming and to have any hope at the top stop Jericho simply must destroy Flair at Summerslam.

Kane:
After years of wasting Glen Jacobs’ talent, it seems the WWE is finally ready to give the “The Big Red Machine” his run at the big time. The unexpected pyro/montages that have appeared on both Smackdown and Raw are an unprecedented step for a character that has never had a serious title run. Indeed this alone indicates the seriousness with which the WWE is treating his return and any potential plans for his future. Before his injury it seemed Kane was about to abandon some of his older character attributes in order to make the big step up to the main event division and in many ways the injury may help Kane’s career in the long run as it allows the booking team to make all the necessary changes in one lump. Whether they get these changes right or fuck them up will make the difference in any push for Kane. Regardless I have a sneaking suspension that Kane will make an appearance at Summerslam (and be on Smackdown) and this appearance will gives us the best indication for Kane’s future. If he helps or screws ‘Taker worry, if he helps Michaels or even Mysterio expect a title run in the not to distant future.

Booker T:
Whether it was desperation or just plain old fashion common sense, the WWE finally turned the “Booker Man” face and his popularity instantly skyrocketed. Since Booker was Unceremoniously “kicked” from the nWo he has passed Edge, Benoit and Guerrero in the pecking order and is now battling with RVD for the top spot on Raw. Fans would had accused Booker T of being the worst wrestler in the company now pop very time they see the spinaroonie. There’s little question that Booker T has the talent and the charisma to handle the top spot but I feel it’s too soon to put the strap on him but don’t count out seeing Booker getting a run at Lesnar in the near future as the booking team will likely want to test his popularity in a similar sense to RVD’s shot-term title win on Raw! If Booker passes the test, who knows what the future holds!

The Rest:
There are a few other less likely possibilities to run through, so lets have a look:

RVD:
I’m a huge RVD fan, but half of this business is entertainment and with his weak mic skills, it seems RVD star may fall short of the top spot. I personally would love to see RVD as champion but I not so sure the booking team agrees with me. Hopefully I’ve got this one completely wrong but the time is coming where RVD must move up or out of the way and at the moment he’s seems pretty stagnant.

Shawn Michaels:

Stranger things have happened folks! Face it, very little work has been done to push a new face and at the same time we have one of the all time greats back in the ring. This is probably just an old HBK mark dreaming, but hey this is my column so sue me! A Brock Lesnar Face Turn:
With no main event faces, perhaps “The Next Big Thing” is going to turn face mid match, possibly by taking Heyman out. The division between the two has been played up recently and his would be an interesting angle that wouldn’t be than unexpected if Heyman himself is calling the shots on this one!

Conclusion:
There you have it folks, there’s a world of possibilities out there and the only thing I can say for certain is that Summerslam looks worth the cash. As the Chinese say “May you watch wrestling in interesting times”. OK so I paraphrased but I for one will be glued to my seat Sunday and I haven’t felt that way in a long time. It’s make or break time for Vince and co. Lets hope they’ve got there thinking caps on!

Send any feedback, questions, insults, porn etc. to madden_ciaran@yahoo.com.

Ciarán Madden
madden_ciaran@yahoo.com

Rounding the Squared Circle
By: Sam Jerry
SamJerry@aol.com

“SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR A CHANGE”
OR
“WHAT YOU DO WHEN THE WELL IS DRIER THAN THE SAHARA”

BY SAMJERRY

VISIT MY HOME PAGE: http://members.aol.com/~samjerry

Tired of hearing about things like who walks on water and doesn’t even get his soles wet; who smells worse than The Brooklyn Brawler on a 100 degree day; who screwed who – in Montreal or the Pink Lady Motel on Route 46 in New Jersey after a House Show? Well, so am I. Therefore this Article will look at the August 3, 2002, TV Guide rankings of “The Fifty Greatest Cartoon Characters Of All Time.” Right off the bat, let me say that they did as good a job at this as their “Sports” writer Phil Mushnick (Mushy to his friends – both of them) does when he writes about wrestling. Today’s Article covers Numbers 1 thru 10. I may cover the other 40 in the future.

1. The GREAT Bugs Bunny – Who can argue with this pick. Bugs has been around longer than most of us. In fact, he is one of The Acme Corporations oldest customers. If he were here, I know he would say “What a maroon” if asked about the author.

2. Homer Simpson – Again, no argument here. Duff Beer’s No. 1 customer every year since Duff Beer and Flag Pole Company, Division of The Acme Corporation, brought Duff out. Homer is the poster boy for every couch potato in the world. Beer and anything edible; our hero.

3. Rocky and Bullwinkle – Three for three. Who among us doesn’t love them: a flying squirrel and a moose that keep trying to invent the better anything. They are even forgiven for being residents of Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, where the get to see the sun every Fourth of July, between 3-4 PM.

4. Beavis and Butt-head – A bit high for two people with a combined IQ just slightly higher than a turnip. They have divided the world into things that suck (i.e., Our American Olympic Zero) and things that are cool (i.e., Trish in hot pants). They are every parents nightmare, and may well be the best case for birth control.

5. The Grinch – This yo-yo has only one idea in his mind (much like Good Old Eric in his hey day at WCW), and that is to make the kids of the world cry. Look closely and you’ll notice his resemblance to Dirtbag Doophus Page.

6. Fred and Barney – They lived in the Stone Age. They dated Moolah and Mae Young, but their parents didn’t want them marrying women older than they were. They proved that guys without a clue could marry foxes, giving eternal hope to every guy flipping burgers or making fries, that he could end up with Trish or Torrie.

7. Angelica Pickles – Our first real travesty, unless you’re big on The Rugrats. The equivalent to Albert being a Main Eventer. No. 7 ? Proof that for a TV Entertainment Magazine, TV Guide makes good bird cage paper.

8. Charlie Brown and Snoopy – Not much argument here. A lovable loser, with a supercool dog. A kid who can’t catch a break, and a pet who thinks like Steven Spielberg.

9. SpongeBob SquarePants – Another mistake. A relatively new kid on the block and already they have made him a Main Eventer. If he’s No. 9, then (Planet) Stasiak is in a perfect orbit.

10. Cartman – There has been much conjecture that he was cloned from Stone Cold Steve Austin, or vice versa. The little fat kid spews four letter words like they are going out of style. Hated by parents who have watched South Park; loved by kids whose parents haven’t, and kids who know the Parental Block Code on their cable boxes.

This Sunday (August 25, 2002) is SummerSlam. It could be one of the better ones, or a total waste. After The Rock surrenders The Title to Godzilla, we can expect to see a Stone Cold Steve Austin type build up for Godzilla. If by chance the Title doesn’t change hands (and the sun may not rise in the East tomorrow), expect it to as soon as The Rock departs for his next flick.

Godzilla is really The Next Big Thing, and will get the full WWE star treatment. The WWE is looking at him as their next marketing bonanza. Look for a future Title Match against Wall With Legs (Batista).

The other “big” match pits HHH against his closest friend, Shawn Michaels (HBK). HHH is the only man he trusts to protect his back. If HBK is able to put on half as good a match as he used to be able to, it should be a winner. Since this might well be HBK’s last time in the ring, he will walk away a winner. If he comes away with his back intact, he might fight again.

Sam Jerry
SamJerry@aol.com

Mark My Words
By: Martin Hawrysko
Hawrysko2003@hotmail.com

Smackdown thoughts, Raw preview, Hulk Hogan’s time off , WrestleMania 19, and more

After a busy weekend, I am finally back for the (late) post-Smackdow column. Actually, it may make more sense to call this a pre-Raw column by the timing. Things also don’t help when the site’s server is down which seems to be like the 39482th time in two weeks. I hate that. I also hate these intros so I am going to begin.

Smackdown is old news by now, but my quick review was that I liked the program overall. I don’t care for Rikishi and Mark Henry so why they they are on each and everyweek is beyond me. If they both must be on each week, then why not wrestle each other? Therefore, instead of fast forwarding through two matches, I only have to fast forward through one! Actually, I didn’t fast forward through Henry’s match this week due to the fact he wrestled Angle, and Angle can make almost anyone look good in the ring. Angle rules. One other note, I like the direction Matt Hardy is heading for on Smackdown. He is trying to proove to himself he is just as good if not better then his brother Jeff which will eventually lead to (another) heel turn.

Anyways moving on, tonight’s Raw features Triple H vs. The Rock in what I believe will be a non-title match. I could be wrong. I don’t have a care in the world for this match as I know there will be some screwjob finish, most likely Michaels making an interfearance to cause Hunter the match. What is also known about Raw is that Chris Jericho’s band Fozzy will be performing live. Why do I have the feeling that somehow during the middle of the performance, Ric Flair will interupt it somehow?

I mentioned in my previous column about Hogan possibly taking time off TV. Apparantely, my at the time only an idea turned out to be true. Previously, the rumor of Hogan being off TV was related to his being pulled off the recent Australian tour. That rumor is false, and rather, Hogan requested some time off due to nagging back and knee injuries. The reason Hogan was pulled off the Australian tour is somewhat unknown. Hogan apparantely asked Vince McMahon about his revenues from the show, as Hogan would give him Pay-Per-View revenues, while WWE believed the tour was a normal houseshow. McMahon then pulled Hogan off the tour for whatever reason. Hogan is not gone from WWE for good and will return sooner or later. He is pencilled in to wrestle Vince McMahon at WrestleMania 19 next year.

Speaking of WrestleMania 19, the location of the event is still unknown. Seattle hosted both Raw and Smackdown this week as a test to see how well the area would sell. There were rumors that WWE confirmed Seattle to be the spot earlier this week, but those since have prooved to be false. WWE claims to have other potential spots as well, either way though, they will make a decision sometime in the coming weeks if not sooner.

WWE Smackdown last night scored a 3.5 as it’s final rating last night, which is up from last week’s 2.7. Thanks to 1Wrestling.

WWE.com reports that Maven will be out a few more weeks after a MRI revealed he had torn ligaments in his ankle. We know Maven broke his ankle about two months ago, and was scheduled to be back by now, but he will be rehabbing for two more months. I’m sure the question on everyone’s mind is, why didn’t they find out about the torn ligaments when he first injured his ankle?

Joe Balrog reporting from Zap2It.com reference…
– Once again, the WWE came out on top of the weekly rankings for cable television. The WWE program entitled “RAW Zone” (Hour Two of RAW as us lay folk call it) was the number one ranked program on cable with a total audience of 3,349,000 viewers. Not too shabby for a show that 90% of the internet feels the incessant need to crap on come Tuesday.

– As for Hour One of RAW, there were a total of 2,869,000 viewers to bring it in at number 6 for the week. While this is all good news for the WWE (as was the kick in the Smackdown ratings last week), the volatile economic conditions still make advertising revenue a hassle to obtain. If the WWE had numbers like it had a few years ago, they would be rolling in dough right now. But that’s another issue!

The NWA-TNA apologized to their fans via their website, NWATNA.com, today due to the fact that Don Harris wore a shirt with the letters “SS” on it during the Pay-Per-View Wednesday night. The letters SS is a symbol for the Nazis. What the apology should include is why no one noticed what he was wearing and didn’t stop him before going out there. I personally believe what the Nazis did during World War II was sick, and with offense or no offense (I could care less), I think it is sick today and anyone supporting that needs a huge grip on reality and life.

The news unfortunately is dry. Depending on the time of month (where else have you heard that before??), there just isn’t much news out there. 90% of the news out there is WWE related, about 5% TNA related, and the rest is independent, and WWA, XWF, and XPW related.

I hope everyone is enjoying the new columns on the site. Three columns (not including this one) have made their debut to the site this week and we are not through yet with the new columns. By the way, we are still accepting applications for columnist, so if you would like to write at this site, we would love for you to e-mail us an application. Further information on what exactly we are looking for can be found by clicking this link.

And that’s a wrap for this one. I would love to hear from all of you your opinions of the site since the new design arrived. I have been trying to make the site easier to navigate around and add columns, and I still want to add new sections in the coming weeks. Any feedback or ideas are welcomed, plus any column feedback is welcomed as well. I don’t know what else to say, so until next time, mark my words…

Martin Hawrysko
Hawrysko2003@hotmail.com

Balrog Babblings
By: Joe Balrog
joe@thebalrogslair.com

Hello once again my minions. This babbling is about our upcoming PPV, SummerSlam. You see, this is a big event for your humble Owner of The Balrog’s Lair – it’s my FIRST Pay-Per-View event! As a matter of fact, this is my first televised event of any kind. So needless to say, I’m greatly looking forward to this PPV like none before it.

So as far as what this article is going to contain – I thought that I would do what I do best and do something different. Instead of going over the matches and what not, I’m going to be going over the matches for this upcoming event, but rather the entourage that I am going to be attending with! If you don’t care for learning about who I’m going to be going with, then now would be the time to look at something else or go read something else. Otherwise…here we go!

JOE BALROG
Age: 21
Job: Real Estate Management / College Student

I stand to get a good deal out of this event (such as shirts and toys and what not). I think that this is really going to be a great time for everyone who is going!

UNCLE AJ
Age: 40 something
Job: Postal Worker / Union Executive

My uncle was at the first SummerSlam and he rubs that in our faces whenever he can! Some of the LONG-TIME readers of this site might remember him from the early days of the Trivia on our site (he had some ridiculous questions). He was in charge of getting tickets and travel arrangements for SummerSlam. He’s pretty good at calling matches so I have to see whether or not he’s going to get them right or not this time!

COUSIN MATT
Age: 21
Job: Sales Associate at The Wiz

Besides the fact that I bought my new LCD monitor from him last weekend, I think that Matt will have a great time at this event! Ok, that made no sense, but hey…whatever! Matt has been a wrestling fan all of his life and even had a ridiculous collection of those LJN wrestling figurines that are being sold on eBay these days. I expect Matt to be marking out for The Rock as I sit there and cheer for the man, Brock Lesnar! Matt recently got re-into wrestling again and I take him as a good indicator as to what the general public feels towards wrestling. He’s usually dead-on-balls accurate with his ideas about wrestling as far as what happens in the near future (for instance he’s been saying for years that as much as they push Test, he’s not going to get on top).

COUSIN DAVE
Age: 23
Job: Automotive Specialist

Dave is a fair-weather fan who has recently been enamored by the wrestling scene. He’s always up for a good trip somewhere and where better to go than SummerSlam? I expect him to get the most out of the event since he’s not been heavily involved in wrestling like the internet community, for example.

BROTHER CHRIS
Age: 14
Job: High School Student

My little brother is a wrestling freak (I think I might be partly to blame for that). He’s turning into an encyclopedia as far as recent history goes. I know he’ll love this PPV. His latest wrestling event was the return of Eric Bischoff (little bastard got to go and I didn’t!).

NEIGHBOR MIKE
Age: 22
Job: Old Folks’ Home Assistant

Mike has worked on the website before under the guise of “Iggy” and he wrote a column back then. Always good for a laugh or a random wrestling quote out of nowhere, I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to sit at SummerSlam with him as we watch the Next Big Thing beat the crap out of The Rock.

MATT HEALING
Age: 20
Job: Works for his Uncle

Those of you who frequent The Balrog’s Lair know that Matt is our Trivia man. I met Matt through the internet as well as through the fact that he is a brother in my fraternity! We go to the same college (in case you couldn’t get that). Matt is a wrestling fanatic so I expect him to have a really great time at the PPV.

FRATERNITY BROTHER DON
Age: 20
Job: Feeds Birds at the Zoo

Don is just like Matt Healing (except that he doesn’t work for the site). He is another wrestling fanatic who wore a complete Triple H get-up to a Greek Week basketball practice (VERY funny). Whether he is playing the part of Don Flamenco (Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out) or pecking at some McDonald’s, Don’s a big fan of wrestling.

So now that I’m sure I’ve even made Sam Jerry take a second look at this mess that I call an entourage, I shall take my leave. I’ll be in Section 216 if anyone wants to even dare get near my family while wrestling is on! I’ll talk to you all through this column soon!

Joe Balrog
joe@thebalrogslair.com

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Copyright © 1999 – 2002 Joe Vincent